"Are you mad at me for the words I say to donghae?"

"We had a deal, Siwon. I'm the one who'll tell him about our marriage. And you broke the deal!" I walk straight to the kitchen, while Siwon slumped himself into the couch across the kitchen counter.

"Is that a problem?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Of course it is!" I slammed the fridge door hard.

"Do you still love him, hyukkie?"

"It's not about I still love him or not, siwon-ah. You need to understand the situation."

"What situation? His situation? Are you afraid that he will hurt?" Before I answer it, he's continue to speak "Because I don't see you understand MY situation, OUR situation, nor you do consider my feeling here, hyukkie." There's slight of hurt in his eyes and his voice and I feel so bad.

"I'm sorry, wonnie. I'm just.. shocked. I never seen him for so long. Many things I want to ask, but you decided to interrupt us."

"Excuse me? I was interrupting both of you? So you think that I'm at fault here??"

"It's not-"

"You know what, I think you're still not moving on from him. You're not ready with this wedding." He's standing up from the couch and took his coat before saying "If you want to cancelled it, you better take your decision faster."

"Siwon ah! Wait!" With that, he left me alone at our apartment. I drop myself to the floor, I feel sad, I feel wrong, I feel stupid and I feel unwanted.

I sat on our bed, mine and Siwon's, processing what I’ve been through from the first time I met with Hae on the coffee shop until my fight with Siwon because of Hae. It’s our first fight actually, that’s why I’m so clueless for the things I should do to fix our this. I looked through the window, which I can see the whole city from here. Me and Siwon choose this apartment, this room, because I love to see the light from the city, it's giving me the vibe that I'm not alone in this world. Siwon knew my insecureness, he knew I'm afraid to be alone and being left. So, he agreed to took this place.

Siwon never leave my side, he always makes me feel like I'm wanted, loved and needed. He treated me so nice, like I'm fragile. He never let me narrow my eyes nor let me drop a tear. I'm being pampered by him, a lot. But, now, my first drop of tear after 5 years, is out from my eye. I cry again after a long time, it's hurt, I thought I would never feel this way again.

Why are you always makes me cry? Why are you always the one that makes my heartbeat fast and in the same time you always break my heart, Hae?

7 Years ago..

"Hae! Chullie hyung invited us to his party tonight!" Soon as I heard the door of our house being open, I run from the living room to welcome my long time boyfriend home. Donghae is a CEO of East Sea Limited, a company that run an export and import stuff. We we're bestfriend before, since diaper, but not after Hae told me he love me and ask me to move in to his own place. Lee Donghae is handsome, rich, muscular but not too much, manly but childish at the same time, romantic and a little bit stupid sometimes and he is a careless person.

"Tonight?? I'm sorry, hyukkie. I can't,  I have to catch my plane. But, I can take you there before I'm going to the airport and I'll send the driver to pick you up, okay?" He peck my lips then run upstairs to our room.

"Hae, it's the second time you skip the party." I followed him to our room.

"You always come anyway, so why should I? You'll always be my saviour when it comes to the invitation." He hug me then kiss me on the forehead before run to the closet to grab his bags.

"I want to go with you, hae. I was always left alone and I want to dance with you, but you never had the time. We don’t have many moment together again like we used to." I was sitting on the edge of our bed while pouting.

"Aaww.. don't pout, hyukkie. I promise I will come to the party some other time." He comes to me and we hugged.

"Where do you intend to go right now?"

"I'm going to Rome."

"Business again?"

"Yep!"

"Good."

"Eh, why?" He loosen his arms around me and tilted his face towards me.

"Because the Last time you go, it was always about your hobby." I glared.

He laughed. "Because travelling can not be wait, hyukkie." He pinched my cheek. "Besides, it's also help me to found a new link on business and new experience to build and to apply on the company."

"You always seems to care about the company, but not me." I whispered.

"I do care! You are my everything! I love you! So never doubt it, okay?" I hummed. "I promise, after this visit, I won't go anywhere, except, you're going with me anywhere you want to go."

"I will keep your promise, hae!"

Weeks later..

It's been weeks, but he never contact me he'll be late for home. I was always prepared dinner for him, waiting at the living room, and he'll be home in the morning without telling me where he was staying at night. Just like last night.

"Hyukkie.."

"Hmm.."

"Hyukkie, wake up." I slowly woke up, groaned.

"Hae?" My voice still hoarse from sleep.

"Just please sleep in our bedroom, don't sleep here. You'll get sick." I was just stared at his face. "What's the matter, something wrong?" He touch my cheek, my tear suddenly fell.

"I miss you, hae." I hugged him and begin to sobs. "You always came home late, never eat dinner or even breakfast with me. Are you avoiding me?" I look at him with so much tears.

"Hyukkie, I never meant to avoid you. I miss you too." He wipe my tears with his thumbs then caresses my face. "I did this for us. I always thinking of you, thinking about us. I want you to be happy with me."

"I will be happy if you always beside me, hae."

"I never leave you, hyukkie. I'm still here, I’m beside you."

"You are here now. But mostly you were not."

"So, what do you want?!" He's yelling at me for the first time. I gasped. Suddenly, he grab my hands, pulling me into his embrace. "I'm so sorry, hyukkie. I'm just tired. I'm exhausted, I just want to sleep right now. I don’t mean to yell at you.“ He whispered then stare into my eyes, I saw nothing but hurts and weary in his eyes.

“But we can have breakfast first before I'm going to bed. Do you forgive me and letting your lover here to eat his precious food from his beautiful lover right now?" He's putting his forehead to mine, and ghosting his lips over mine. I dumbly nodded. He started to kiss my lips slowly and he's nibbling my bottom lip, so tender. We kissed, like we were not seing each other for so long. But it's not a passionate kiss, it's taste sweet. We finally let go of each other, out of breath. “I love you , hyukkie. I really do. Don’t ever doubt it.”

"I'm going to get shower, cooked for me, okay? I'll be joining you later after this." He pecked me then ran upstairs. He's the one whose always succeed to make me forget and forgive his mistake.

"Hae, have you eaten yet?" I call him in the middle of my work, I’m missing him so much. Nowadays, he always coming home late or even didn’t coming home. There is one time, he wasn’t home for 5 days but he never explain to me his whereabout.

"No, I haven't." But, like usual, his voice is always flat.

"Wanna go lunch with me?"

"I can't."

"Why?" I'm whining.

"I just can't, hyukkie"

"Pleeaasse.. we're not seing each other for days, hae."

"Hyukjae! I say I can't! Which part of my word that not clear?!" With that he hung up the phone. What is my fault, now?

"Hyukkie, did you saw my hat on the couch? Because my skin is a little bit dry here and I want to go outside, perhaps it can also help to cover it from the sunbeam. Ugh! I can't find it! Kangin must be- hyukkie? Are you listening to me?" Chullie hyung keep blabbering about hat, skin, something about sun and kangin hyung but I can't catch all of his sentences. I'm still absorbing what hae said to me on the phone. "Yah! Are you ignoring me Lee hyukjae!"

"No- no.. hyung.. i just-"

"What?"

"Hae was ignoring me, hyung." I looked at my phone, never once he abandon me like that.

"No way, that fish is madly in love with you. You're just hallucinating and being sensitive."

"But he left me for days, hyung! He's even act cold! Now he's refusing me to lunch together! Then he hang up the phone!" I palm my face to cry. I feel heechul hyung sat beside me and rub my back try to calm me.

"Maybe he's being busy, hyukkie. You know his running his company by himself. So he must do it seriously, now it's the time for him to focus."

"But he can tell me that! Not ignoring me like this!"

"Well, he doesn't want to be a burden for you. You know him, hyukkie. From all the wish he had, he just want to see you happy." I sniffed.

"I missed him, hyung. He knows that I hate being alone, he knows that I hate waiting and he promise me to never leave me again and to go anywhere with me." I'm crying and clutches my hands to his shirt, while heechul hyung keep rubbing his hand on my back.

"He must have his own reason, I believe that. Don't worry, he come back soon like he used to." I nodded on his embrace, when he continued. "And when he's comeback I'll beat him, kick him and throw him to the mall." He said on the cold tone.

"Mall?" I tilted my face.

"For making you alone, waiting, crying a river and makes my favourite shirt wet because of your tears. So, he must spent his time and money to buy all the expensive clothes for me."

"You really are something, hyung."

"Now, tell me. Where is my hat?" I rolled my eyes.

I woke up with the headache, my eyes are puffy and red from crying all night. I puffed my cheeks in front of the mirror, scanning it. I need to shower first then going downstairs to make breakfast for me since hae is not here like usual. Usual? Did I begin to used to it? I don't want to. I still want my hae.

I feel like doing nothing, because heechul hyung said I can off from work today. So maybe I'm just having late breakfast, go outside to buy some movies to watch Marathon, eat ramyeon for lunch and I can think later for the rest of the day. When I step one of my feet out from the bedroom,  I heard noises coming from the kitchen. I gasped lowly. There is thief on our house?!? . I take whatever my eyes landed on the things around me, I took the umbrella and position myself like a spy. Slowly but sure I bring myself to the kitchen to fight with the thief. I can punch, you know! I entered the kitchen and found the messy flour,  eggs, and everything inside the fridge on the kitchen table. What the-

"Umm.. Hi, hyukkie. Mor-niing?" I saw hae in the kitchen grinning with a pan in his right hand and a spatula in his left hand. I stare at him in horror and speachless. "Hyukkie, I'm so sorry. I ruin your kitchen and make this such a disaster. But I swear I will clean up this mess alone and never ask for your help. I just want to make breakfast for us, to surprises you. I want to ask for your forgiveness because of my attitude yesterday, I'm such a bad person. But, please don't add this mess into your list of hate towards me." He was talking and blabbering non stop. I'm not thinking twice, I run towards him and hugged him with all my might and burst into tears, again.

"Hae!!"

"Hyukkie? Wait. I have to turn off the stove." I feel him put all of the things on the stove beside him. "Hyukkie?" He then caresses my hair and sooth me while I'm still sobbing. "Please,  don't be like this. I'm sorry,  I always break my promises to always beside you and never make you cry. I'm so sorry, hyukkie."

"I misses you, hae. I dont want you to leave me. I need you beside me, please, don't let me be alone.  Don't ignore me." I tilted my face and buried it again against his chest.

"Oh, hyukkie. I know this is my fault. I won't ignore you again. I will make it up to you. Today is our day. We can hang out all day to all the place you want to be, we'll date, have a dinner in the romantic place, watching movies, shopping or anything you want to do with me. I'll granted." He kiss my head, pecked it all over.

"I don't want anything, hae. I just want to be with you. I want to cuddle up with you while watching movies or staring at the skies at night. Like we used to." I broke the hug and palm his face.

"You want to do something naughty, eh, hyukkie?" He wriggle his eyebrows playfully.

"If you want to." I smirk.

"Woaaah, my hyukkie is playing naughty today. I should have left you again so you can do all naughty things to me later."

"Yah!!"

Every problem that we face, every fight that we face, are always ended with him teasing me all day, being lovey dovey, pampered me and showers me with love. Showing me what he can do to make it up to me. But, that, were always repeat on the next fight after fight until I begin to lose my patience and faith.

Is he the one?

Today is our anniversary. Since we rarely have dinner or lunch together at home I have to go for grocery shopping now. I will make something special just for him. He likes surprises, but mostly, he was the one that never failed to gave me much surprise after surprise every years. Yes, we've been dating for 10 years, since we we're in junior high school. He was so sweet, he never forget our anniversary,  even on our fifth anniversary, he's the one that gave me surprise by gathered our best friends to be a monkey and one piece characters in front of the people on our school. Their dancing and hae was singing randomly, making the whole school laugh at them. Hae knows I love dance and he'll sing for me just to see me dance with his voice. When he was stop singing, our best friends stop dancing too, hae walking towards me, bringing a bouquet of red rose and a box of strawberry milk saying he love me and always love me till the end of the time and promise me to never left me.

I smile at that thought, that was really one of my special memories with hae before he began to travelled all around the world for his hobby and his works, well I trust him. He never cheat on me. I know he was doing all that stuff for his works and he really need his time alone on one of a time. I just can't handle it if he never ever talk to me about his problems, his burden. He run when I try to ask him. He will angry and being cold towards me if I push him to talk.

Just like these days, he was acting cold, and rarely home.

I'm done cooking then arrange the plates and utensils. The wine has also set. I looked at my work, it's beautiful. I can't make any other surprise than this one. I'm not that creative and romantic like hae.

The clock is showing that dinner time is out, but hae never show up. I kill the time by watching tv but it isn't help at all. I keep glancing at the clock, it is almost midnight. I look at my phone, searching information that maybe hae was trying to contact me but it's empty. Our bestfriends already gave me a happy anniversary and much wishes for us. He was the one that absence, he was the one that forget our anniversary,  he was the one who didn't keep the promise.

After that day, he never ever call me again, he was gone. I've trying to contact him by phone, it was failed. I've coming to his office only to find out that he was going overseas for almost a month, he was going to London for whatever works he's done that I don't really care. His secretary apologize to me couples of time,  but it didn't matter, she's not at fault here. He should be the one whose inform me about his well being.

What am I to you now, hae?

I'm crying all day, didn't has a willing to work, spending my time in our bedroom, refuse to eat even heechul hyung force to dragged me to the bathroom so I can get a grip of my self with cold water.

Kangin hyung spoiled me too much, just like teuki hyung. Heechul hyung keep on blabbering days by days on how much he hated hae and never wanting me to go near him again if one day he'll come back.

Kyuhyun's job is to make sure that I'm back on my track, being cheerful, sulky and cute, that's what they said. But it works, for months after that incident. I was loosing my grip, then they're come to save me, and Siwon was coming to save me too.

"Hyukkie, this is Siwon. My friend. He is also one of my shareholder on this company." Heechul hyung take me to the party where I can socialize again. They think I need new environment, so they called this invitation party as a 'healing method' for my broken life. "And Siwon, this is my best friend, Lee Hyukjae."

"Hi, I'm Choi Siwon. It's a pleasure to meet you, hyukjae." He's handsome,  I admit it. He have dimples when he's smile or talk. Cute. Did I say cute?

The awkward introduction was ended when we both have commons. I found that he love dance too, watching movies and rarely go out on weekends. We sure have a nice talk. We dance. We were joking. We laugh. And I'm finding my self happy.

We meet each other more often, going out for lunch or dinner. Take a simple walk or bicycling at the park on the weekends. I begin to like him, he was asking me to be his boyfriend, but I still need time to recover myself. He was wait with patience, no force and stay with me even when I was crying again for Hae. I still remembering him though, why Shouldn’t I, He was by bestfriend since diaper and being my boyfriend for ten years. How am I supposed to forget?

“Hyukkie, I’m not forcing you. I’ll wait for you because you are so precious to me. Even if I had to be a single man for the rest of my life just to wait for you. I’ll do it.” He was staring at me with so much love, no lust and sincere.

From that moment, I was trying to be my old self, like I’m still be friend with Hae, no string attached again. Siwon keep pestering me in a comfortable way. He’ll know when I want to be alone, he left me, but watching me from a far, afraid if I was hurting myself. For a year, he assured me with all the love he had, then one day I decided to be with him and accept his proposal.

Today..

The ringing from my handphone is waking me up from the deep thought I had about my past with Hae and how Siwon appeared in my life. I did wrong here, I have to fix things up with Siwon. I love him and I have to chase him back.

“Yes, hyung?” I picked up my phone that rings for couple of times and I realize it’s 12 missed calls I receive.

“YAH, LEE HYUKJAE!!! I CALLED YOU FOR DECADE AND YOU IGNORE ME?!! DO YOU WANT ME TO BANG INTO YOUR APARTMENT AND KILL ALL YOUR MONKEY PLUSHIE??” I have to put my phone away from my ear, because the diva have gone mad.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I don’t hear it.” I pout, even though I know he didn’t see it.

“MAKE SURE YOU COME HERE, TOMORROW  NIGHT!! I WILL HELD A PARTY FOR ALL OF MY COLLEAGUES, I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A CAB TO COME HERE! I NEED YOUR EXPLANATION ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SIWON!” With that, he hang up the phone. I sighed and preparing to sleep. Heechul hyung probably know this matter from Siwon, they are close, but why does I have to face it this way. I want to talk with him alone.

At the party..

I looked at the surrounding, looking for a certain diva to give him the explanation he wants. I ruffled my hairs, confuse what should I say to him about this matter. If this party is for his colleagues, Donghae might be here right now. my life!

“Hyukkiiiee..” I know this voice, it’s Heechul hyung. I turn my body and ready to faced him, but indeed I faced Siwon.

“Siwonie?” I lost my speech. “I-i…can-I”

“Do you want to dance with me?” He smiled at me like usual, like nothing bad has happened.

“Of course, I do.” I take his hand, and we start to dance in the dance floor.

“Siwon-ah.. I’m sorry for what I’ve done yesterday night.” We both stay silence, I put my chin on his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I loved Donghae.” He push me a little.

“What?” There is frown on his face, slowly I cupped his face.

“It’s past tense, wonnie. I love you now.” I inched my face closer to him. But suddenly..

“Hyukkie?” Here comes the devil.

Here is the update!

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