Kai

Somehow, we woke up in each other arms despite going to bed with our backs facing one another. I apologized first for getting upset about something neither of us had control over. He apologized next for wanting me to express my feelings more but not being more understanding of them. Then, we went along with our days as if everything was fine--well, we tried to. 

I think we both knew that something bigger was at play, though.

Taemin was already at the studio when I got there, seemingly cooling down from his lesson earlier that morning. I loved dancing, but I could never imagine getting up early to do it. The bell above the door chimed when I pushed it open, he lifted up his head to look at me.

"Hey, look who's on time," he commented with a faint grin as he stopped stretching and stood up. 

"Don't get used to it," I replied with a quick eye roll, which made him chuckle. I made my way to the back and got changed before joining him out front again. "Lessons coming along well?"

"Yeah, so far. She said for someone who hasn't danced in a while, I remember a lot. I guess I have good muscle memory," he answered. 

"Makes sense for you," I said as sat down and began stretching. "I was always second to you when we were in class. If I did great, somehow you always did better. Not by much, but just enough to get a little bit more of her praise."

"What can I say? I'm just naturally gifted." We both laughed this time and as I began to focus on stretching, I heard a phone go off from the other corner of the room. "Oh, that's me," he said, speaking almost excitedly. He walked over to the desk where it appeared to be charging, a smile appearing on his face the moment he looked at the screen. It looked like he was texting someone, as he tapped on the screen for a few moments before turning it off and walking back over to me.

"That seemed like someone special," I said, making a small grin begin to grow on his face. "You talking to someone?"

"Maybe..." he said almost shyly. I raised my eyebrows and exhaled. "I don't want to jinx anything, so I haven't really talked about it to anyone. We've only been talking for like a week or something."

"Oh, yeah?" He nodded, trying to contain his smile but ultimately failing. "Good for you. Did you meet him at school?"

"Yeah, I think we were in the same math class study group," he explained. "He's in the pre-med program, so I didn't think we'd still talk after I dropped out, but low and behold."

"A future doctor, huh? I bet your parents will get over their homophobia real quick if they ever meet him."

Taemin laughed. "They still have to get over the fact that I dropped out, so I don't think I'll be introducing them to anyone any time soon." He chuckled again and pushed back some of his fallen hair. 

"I'm happy for you. It's good to see you moving on," I said after looking at him for a moment.

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, it feels nice," he replied. I smiled back at him. "I'm gonna go get some coffee before the first class comes. You want anything?"

I shook. "No, I'm good, thanks."

"Okay. Be back in a few." He went to the back to grab his jacket and then waved at me once he returned to the front to leave the studio. I turned around to face the mirror, letting the smile on my face fall. 

I wasn't lying when I said I was happy for him, but I wasn't being completely honest either. I wouldn't have gone as far as to say I was jealous, not like I was with Hyunsik getting to go to that party, but knowing Taemin was starting to develop feelings for someone else made my stomach churn in a weird way. I had no idea what to do with that feeling.

Kyungsoo

Was our relationship becoming toxic? I didn't want to think so, but it didn't feel healthy to me the way we always seemed to fight about the same thing regardless of what triggered the fight in the first place. I knew all couples fought, but there certainly had to be a line, right? A line that once you crossed it, it wasn't just average couple fighting anymore but rather a sign for a bigger problem. 

It didn't help that he seemed to go quiet again over the next few days. I could tell something was bothering him, but I was afraid to even ask at that point. I knew he had dance recitals and his final certification test coming up, so I'm sure he was stressed, but there was something else, too. And getting Kai to talk about his true feelings was starting to make me feel more terrified than I did when I came out to my parents. I was worried he wouldn't be responsive and if he was, I was scared that I wouldn't respond the right way and cause another fight. 

No, there was definitely something very unhealthy about our relationship.

With Baekhyun busy with school, I was glad to have accepting friends to talk to about this stuff. 

"Sounds toxic to me," Yeseul said one afternoon as we ate lunch outside. "I mean, what's the point of dating someone and sharing a physical space with them if you're afraid to share a mental and emotional space with them?"

"But he doesn't seem like a toxic person in my opinion," Minhyun interjected with a few shakes of his head. "I think he has a toxic tendency to keep things in, so now that he's with you, it's starting to affect the relationship. Toxic behavior doesn't always necessarily mean a person is toxic."

"Toxic is still toxic, though and toxic isn't good. Toxic makes you feel like and someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like ," Yeseul argued.

"So, what? It's like love the sinner but hate the sin? How does that help me?" I said in confusion. 

"It doesn't. They just like arguing with each other," Hyunsik said, cutting them both off before either of them could speak. He sent them a small glare, to which they rolled their eyes, and then turned to me. "Look, it's simple if you make it simple. How do you feel when you're with him? Good or bad?"

"Well, mostly bad these days. It didn't used to be like that, though. I used to feel good with him," I answered. 

"Okay, then that can mean one of two things: either your relationship can be saved because there is a way for you guys to be okay in a difficult situation or your relationship has simply run its course and there is no longer a way for you two to be good in any situation, good or bad."

I pouted a little and looked away. "So...I either break up with him or...?"

"Take a break," he said, finishing my sentence for me. "I'm not taking sides here because it's clear that you both feel suffocated, which probably has a lot to do with taking on the responsibility of moving in together so quickly. You're hurting each other even though neither of you intend to. Sometimes, some space can help clear your mind and put things into perspective better, which is what I think you both need."

I turned away again, this time moving my eyes to my unfinished lunch. "But...how can something that hurts be good for you?" My voice came out in a softer, quieter way.

"Okay, look at it this way then," he continued. "If you're going to be hurting in both situations, wouldn't you rather be in the one where you at least have hope that thing will get better? I'm obviously not there with you guys all the time, but it doesn't seem like you have much hope for things improving with Kai. If you're gonna hurt either way, you might as well do yourself a favor and not waste your time, too." I looked at him for a moment as he took a bite of his food and shrugged at me. Sighing, I looked away again.

He had a very simplistic way of seeing relationships, but I knew I couldn't dwindle my relationship with Kai down to two options so easily. My feelings for him were too strong and complicated. But having a simpler perspective did make me think there was an easier way to talk to him. Maybe if we could break things down more, we'd have a better chance at actually making a true, long-lasting breakthrough.

Well, that was what I was trying to tell myself anyway. That would require both of us to put in more work and overcome our fears of talking to each other. It would require us to actually make time even if we didn't think we had it. If I really wanted us to work out, I knew it couldn't just be me who wanted it; we both had to.

But getting Kai to understand that was its own entire step in the process. I felt a sense of urgency because of that, so I planned on talking to him as soon as I got home that same day. It was the late afternoon, just a few hours before we usually ate dinner. The kitchen light wasn't on when I got to the apartment, so I figured I had beat him home. So, I went in and was able to put my stuff away before I heard the front door open a few minutes later. I was still in the bedroom, so I took a deep breath and walked out, trying to think of what I would say. 

"Oh hey," he said, briefly glancing at me as he was walking into the kitchen. He went to the fridge and seemed like he was in a hurry. 

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked carefully as I watched him pull out the water container we had in there and fill his bottle up. 

"Yeah, I have to go back to the studio. We're having an extra class for kids who still need help since recitals are coming up soon," he answered without looking at me. "It's only a few extra hours, so I shouldn't be back too late."

"Oh," I replied, glancing down and then clearing my throat. He must have recognized something in my voice because he turned around and met my eyes as I was lifting my head back up. 

"Are you alright? Did something happen?"

"No, not really. I just..." I started, feeling anxiety trying to take the words from my tongue. "I kind of just wanted to talk. There's some stuff on my mind."

"Oh, um, well, can it wait? It's just with recitals and my test, everything suddenly got really busy."

No, it couldn't wait. That's what I wanted to say, but the fear got the best of me.

"Yeah, sure." I forced a smile and nodded. I could tell by the way he hesitated a little that he probably felt bad. Still, he just nodded back and started back toward the door. 

"Okay, well, I'll, uh, be back later. Maybe we can talk then," he said.

"Yeah...maybe." I was trying my best to keep the smile on, but I could feel the strength in my voice quickly disappearing. He slid his shoes back on and then paused to glance back at me. Then, he opened the door and left.

The moment the door closed, I turned around and let a few tears fall from my eyes. Maybe I was the only one who wanted to us to work out.