Kai

As much as the busyness of recitals and finally getting certified took my mind of the other stressful things in my life, I was glad when it was all over. The guilt of not being able to spend more time with Kyungsoo was killing me, but since I finally had more time on mu hands, I planned to make it up to him. I just hoped it wasn't too late.

I had just arrived to the apartment the night were over, immediately look up at our kitchen window to see if the light was on. It wasn't. I hadn't really seen him or been able to get a hold of him for the most of the day because he was now busy with finals, so I supposed it made sense, but that didn't stop me from feeling disheartened. 

After letting out a sigh, I began to make my way up. But before I could get to the stairs, I heard a car pull up behind me and turned back around. I recognized Kyungsoo in the passenger's side immediately but not the driver, but I figured it was safe to assume that was Hyunsik. They were talking and laughing about something, the sight making my stomach churn in discomfort. I turned back around, hoping I would have a chance to go inside before either of them spotted me, mostly because I knew I was not in the right emotional headspace to meet him. 

I was able to make it up to the apartment, taking a deep breath and resting my back against the front door for a moment after I got inside and shut it. I took a few more breaths before slipping my shoes off, deciding that a hot shower was what I need to de-stress. But before I could even make it to the bedroom, the front door opened and Kyungsoo walked in. 

"Hi," he said as his smile and laugh were fading. He glanced at me before starting to take his shoes off. "Did you just get in? I thought I saw you coming up when I got here."

"Uh, yeah," I said plainly and shortly.

His movements visibly slowed down as he blinked at me a few times. "Well, Hyunsik dropped me off. You could have met him."

"Oh, too bad. Maybe next time," I said before swiftly turning around and heading into the bedroom. I didn't stay long enough to see his reaction, and I was hoping we would just be able to drop the subject altogether. I should have known better than to think that.

"Is something wrong?" he asked in a voice that was still soft but definitely filled with tension. I looked back behind me as he approached the bedroom, stopping right before the threshold. "Are you angry at me or something?"

I sighed and turned back around. "No. I'm just tired," I lied, really not feeling up for another argument that particular night. 

"Is it Hyunsik? Are you still upset about what my mom said?" he pressed on. 

I closed my eyes. "I don't really want to talk about this right now," I said. 

"You never want to talk. That's exactly the problem." I exhaled again and opened my eyes. "I can understand that you don't always want to talk about everything all the time, but it's starting to feel like you don't want to talk to me at all, Kai."

After letting go of another small breath, I turned around and faced him. "I'm sorry for not being ready to talk exactly when you want to be," I said, causing him to let out a frustrated sigh. "But if you're demanding I do, fine. I'll tell you every single thing I'm feeling right now. Yes, I'm still upset about what your mom said about your Hyunsik dating. It ing and it makes me insecure. I'm also feeling upset because you didn't come to even one of the recitals I've been working my off on or even send me a 'congratulations on your teaching certification' text today. But more prominently than those things, I'm mad that you keep getting angry at me for not being as extroverted as you are. It really ing pisses me off that you can't see how hard I'm trying to talk to you and open up to you, but because I'm not writing down every little thing I've ever felt in my life, every argument we have is somehow my fault." I sighed heavily. "Is that good enough for you or should I keep going?"

Sighing again, Kyungsoo shook his head. "I never said I expected you to tell me everything at the same time, Kai. I just want you to stop shoving everything you're feeling down because you feel like I won't understand or for whatever reason you don't trust me. I mean, you can't even tell me how much milk you like in your coffee. I don't expect you to be as extroverted as me, but I do want you to talk to me at least somewhat similarly to how you talk to Taemin."

I scoffed, the sound coming out as a chuckle. "So that's what this is about? Because you're jealous that I have an easy time talking to Taemin, someone I've known for literal years?"

"Don't try to make me sound irrational for being upset," he said as he took a few steps into the bedroom, the gentleness in his voice now completely gone. "I know it's gonna take time for you to talk to me the way you talk to him and if you bothered paying any amount of attention, you'd see that I'm more than willing to wait. But when it feels like you don't even want to try with me, yeah, I'm gonna get a little envious. I mean, if it's so difficult for you to talk to me, why are you wasting your time dating me? Why did you insist we move in together right after high school?"

"Because I was just doing what I thought would be easier for you, easier for us," I said as I lowered my head and ran my hands through my hair. I let them fall to my sides as I met his eyes. "I thought your parents would send you to some fancy university in another country and then we'd never see each other and eventually break up and I didn't want that. I know I'm not great at saying how I feel, but I always try to show how I feel through my actions. So maybe neither of us are good at paying attention."

"Maybe, but you need both words and actions. They don't mean anything without each other. How was I supposed to know you wanted me to go to your recitals when you've barely had time to have dinner with me these past few days?"

"Some things are just ing obvious, Kyungsoo! We're adults now if you haven't noticed. I shouldn't have to hold your hand and tell you how to respond to everything!" I didn't intend to raise my voice, especially after I saw tears entering his eyes. But I felt like I was time bomb ready to explode at any moment. "If I knew your graduation was coming up, you wouldn't have to tell me you wanted to go. I'd just ing know. I'm sorry I assumed you listened to me whenever I actually talk about things I enjoy." He let out a few sniffles and wipes a couple of fallen tears from his cheeks. I sighed again. 

"I don't know why we even bother anymore," he whispered as he looked away. He looked at me again a moment later. "You clearly don't trust me with your feelings yet and I'm very obviously horrible at reading you. I know all relationships are hard, but this just feels too difficult for me right now."

"What does that mean?" I asked. 

"It means I feel like when you're around me lately. I-I question myself and everything I know and feel about you, and I feel like you don't love me anymore because you'd rather spend time in the studio with Taemin than at home with me. And yeah, I feel like we shouldn't have moved in together because sharing a space with you is quite literally suffocating me."

I blinked my eyes rapidly a few times and swallowed. "Then why did you agree to it? You didn't have to say yes if you didn't feel ready to," I replied.

"Because I wanted to! Because I loved you and wanted to be around you!"

"So what? You don't want that anymore? You don't..." I took a moment to collect myself as a lump formed in my throat. "You don't love me anymore?"

"Not really no," he said without hesitation, making my heart stop beating for a moment. It seemed like he realized what he said a few seconds after because he shook his head and started talking again. "No, I-I didn't mean that I don't love you anymore, I just meant--"

"No, I think I get it now," I said as I cut him off. "I'm too difficult for you to love. Because I can't be the person you want me to be, it's hard for you to love me."

He stepped closer. "Kai, that's not it. Please--"

"You're right. I don't know why we're bothering either." I looked him straight in the eyes. "Let's just end it then. Sorry for making you feel suffocated all this time." 

And with that, I turned around and didn't look back. 

Kyungsoo

I could barely make it outside to call Suho before the tears started falling. I wasn't expecting him to just break up with me like that. Was I wrong for expressing how I felt? I admit my words could have come out better, but it was like I had no control over them anymore, like they were all just spilling out at once. 

Still, I didn't think he'd react like that. 

I was sitting on a bench a few blocks away from our apartment building when I saw Suho's car turn onto the street. I wiped some tears from my eyes as I stood up and walked closer to the curb as he parked next to it. I heard the door unlock and pulled it open before sitting inside. 

"Are you okay? What happened?" he asked as I shut the door. I sniffled and sat back against the seat, my eyes pointed down at the floor. I didn't say anything for a while, mostly because I was scared. I was scared that if I said the words out loud and set them free into the open air, it would all become real. 

And I didn't think I'd ever recover from that.