*

“What?”

I don’t know what to say, when his gaze questioning me like that. I don’t have certain thought right now, just happened to look at Kai and enjoyed watching his face. He wasn’t handsome, but he’s better than any man I know. Isn’t it weird to feel attracted to someone so opposite, so unlike myself. Maybe it was started from jealousy for that Kai was natural born performer, so this boy had given permission from heaven to spread his charm as well as exploding those poor ovaries even though he’s just standing there, doing nothing.

A little voice in me denied my own thought, said that I’m also blessed with endless luck to gain my place in fame. I’m also handsome –or pretty as people pointed it out- but I don’t born for this. I fought to speak Korean well, to dance well, to sing well, and it still not enough in this harsh world of stardom cause I’ll keep became shadow if I’m not having special skill, or having unique personality, or like Kai, already so lovable in the nothingness.

Really, I sounded so grudgingly jealous now.

“Nothing.” I whispered cause it seemed Kai won’t stop staring back if I don’t give answer. He narrowed his gaze in curiosity but said nothing and averted his eyes elsewhere, boring flat look to the crowds in this Award Ceremony. I almost inhaled a relief sigh while eyeing the table cloth but his warmth which hanging closely to my side slowly weighted on me, as if he was leaning to my shoulder and punished my lame answer by grazing the visible skin on my lower arm to his, slowly, torturing me with his intoxicating heat and arousing musky scent.

I grunted lowly, “Kai…” I warned him.

“What?” He said without looking, but I knew there’s a small snicker on the corner of his lips. “I do nothing, you’re just too sensitive.”

“Shut up.” I said in between gritted teeth, as I looked at the stage, tried to ignore the closeness as hard as I could. But I can’t. I can’t ignore him, just like I can’t help but falling in love to him, over and again. It was the fruit of planted jealousy in my heart, why I had to grow it nicely in the first place anyway. If he’s not that shining and lovable to our fans, I won’t hold this grudge and I won’t kept my eyes on him, tried to find his secret. If he’s not a kindhearted and honest guy behind his brooding mask, I won’t feel any remorse to degrade him as tricky idol with thousands face.

Kai was just Kai.

And that’s how I falling in love so hard to him.

*

 *

“I love you, hyung!”

People who fell in love were foolish, that I can admit, proudly. I realized loved turned me confidence, love influenced impulsive decision, yet I’m glad to feel it rushing through my veins, heated my cheeks with burst of joy, build strong constitution to my heart, make me tough from bad whispers in the wind and make me ignorance to subjective critics. When I’m in love, the world became distant as I tried to step close and closer to my dearest one, cause in silly way, I could feel there’s nothing important than his smile, his laugh, and his acceptance to my feeling.

“I love you!” without any shame, I shouted the words to Luhan, whom I held in arm and in return, held me in preparation to lift me up. He was smiling in mixed expression of daze, confusion and a little wary. I know we could be heard by other members as they were standing near, hence, some fans might caught the words even though this place already turned bizarre from the song, the melody, and the loud chants.

Still, it didn’t less my courage, so I kept yelling and kept staring at him, “I love you, I love your eyes, I love your lips, I love you whether it’s dawn or dusk, with or without make up, shaved or stubbed…” at this point, Luhan almost had difficulty to lift me not only from exhaustion but also the attack of red blush gradually darkened his fair skin. But I’m not stopping to talk, just like I will continuously love him, “there’s no way I would less love you than I had now, and I will selfishly long for you even if you reject me, deject me, hated me-…”

“Stop it!” Luhan yelled back with laugh covering his frown from the crowds. “This is not the place for confession, Kai.”

“No. this is not the right time nor was the right place.” when he placed me down in the next second, I circled my hands around his waist, enjoyed his surprised yelp when I dragged him down from the stage, “but this love I had was too strong, it bent the time and space.”

*

*

Oh it’s too close, too dangerous yet I don’t realize that I shouldn’t turn when he’s right behind me, leaning his bare shoulder to my back. If Kai didn’t have such god-like reflex and draw back, our nose will graze and our teeth might clash in awkward yet scandalous kiss. Not that we’ve never been kissing before. It happened to us, the lust which was coming from fanart and fanfiction, sometimes we laughed the funny ones, discussed the angst and dramatic AU, but we both weak with pure romance, where the kiss descripted in 1000 words and making love took a whole chapter, even two.

“Sorry.” I apologized from my abrupt movement with a shy smile, and he laughed it out, as if it was nothing. We had to act as if it was nothing, while in fact, my heart couldn’t stop beating rapidly and cold sweat kept popping from my forehead. It’s a hard time for both of us, to feel our breath ghosting on our skin and to feel the warmth hugged us, seducting us to wrap our head in tilt and sealed the ual temptation into an open kiss, where our lips locked a wet and hot passage to the passing tongues and saliva. It might be not the most romantic definition of a kiss, but this is what happen when two insolent fleshes met. Lips will be bitten. Tongue will be bruised and mouth moaned in stung over the emptiness, for the shared liquid among us was addictive and made us craved for more.

Crap.

As I focused back to the game, I bit my bottom lip in agony, cause I want to kiss him so bad now, thanks to the vivid image I dumbly planted to my poorly controlled mind.

“Later.”

As if he could read my mind, Kai whispered only to me and I cleared my throat in order to hold whine of protest cause he didn’t make me feel better. As I took a glance at him, he returned me with a sheepish smile and so I glared, promised him later to make those bumbly and alluring lips swollen and spent as my revenge.

*

*

“Hyung!”

I know he’s tired, I’m tired, everybody was tired as hell. But it didn’t stop me from catching up to him, walking next to him and calling him over and over until I could get his attention. I know this part of me was so childish and selfish, but he knew me from inside and outside anyway, so I don’t worry he’ll get angry as I grabbed his bag and pull it from his shoulder. “Hyung, look at me.”

Luhan turned. Inside his hoody, I could see his hazy eyes, hazier and darker from the lack of sleep. He looked at me lifelessly, but as I thought, there’s no sign of annoyance or even angry shade contorted in his angelic face. He said nothing, only silently watch me in sadness. It made my body itched to wrap myself around him, hugged him as if it could recharge his energy, it will be his comfort. But I’m also as exhausted as him and when I’m tired I will always be a .

“Can you keep awake until we reached home?” I asked and he gave me a sigh as answer. He shook his head, telling me that he might as well pass out while standing. But I grabbed his bag tighter, insisted that he should do as I wanted and he sighed again, now in defeat cause he knew I won’t stop badgering him until he agreed to my term. But I’m not doing this out of stupidity or to punish him for no mistake he made. I had my own reason and I need him to keep awake for that.

“Hyung.”

When the car stopped, Luhan startled from dozing off cause we’re not at the dorm building. The car dropped us at my house and now I grabbed his limp fingers as we entered the front gate and knocked on the door, “tonight, I want us to stop being idol and pretend we’re just two common guys in love with each other.”

Luhan gave me an ill look, but I could see it all came from embarrassment not disgust, “so, you brought me here for ?” he guessed.

“No, Hyung” I laughed at him, “We’re here to rest and to heal. I want you to keep awake so you could enjoy it when I wash your hair in bath while pouring freshening lemonade to your glass and then cuddled you to sleep so you would forget how sore you are and having the best slumber you’ve ever had since we’re debuted.” It might sound dreamy, but Luhan knew I’m no big mouth who said promises I couldn’t kept. I would do every single thing to ease his mind and to erase the dark cloud from his face, because he deserved to be loved like this and none else could love him as hard as I would.

*

TBC

how was it???