Darkest Hour
written by Emilieee
reviewed by layximi

Title: 10/10
I really like your title. It has an ominous feel to it, which sets the right tone for the story, and it relates to your setting. If I had one comment or suggest, it would be to consider putting a ‘The’ in front of ‘Darkest Hour’.

Plot: 20/25

                10/10: Setting
                You do a pretty good job of establishing your setting. I’m definitely interested in your world and I think there’s a lot of potential that can come out of this kind of setting. I think that an adequate amount of backstory was presented which really helps to better support the world you have created.

                4/5: Originality
                I’d say your story is pretty original. Some of the dialogue comes off as being a little too cookie-cutter, but other than that, I think your take on this kind of story has a unique spin to it.

                6/10: Believability
                I think you have some issues with believability. Not necessarily with the setting, which is usually the case in most stories, but rather, with the progression of the plot. Having Jinae just ‘happen upon’ the mages having a serious conversation about the potential for revolt, is way too convenient to be believable. These are supposed to be the governing bodies of the Fortress, meaning that 1) they should have some sort of security with them at all times to prevent things like this from happening, and 2) their meeting should be at some place with exclusivity (meaning that some random person should not be able to just walk up to the doors of the meeting and listen in on their top secret conversations). What makes even less sense to me, is that in one of your later chapters, you mention how the mages can sense the presence of people nearby, which is why Jinae and Baekhyun were caught when they broke into the Fortress. So why weren’t the mages able to sense her during the meeting? Your believability is hindered even more when you tell conflicting details. For example, you start off by saying, “She had never thought of the mages as kind,” when in the very next sentence, you mention, “One mage that she remembered from her childhood was especially kind.” If you can’t even stay consistent with your own storytelling, how do you expect your readers to follow along? There’s a major flaw in logic for me too. Why is it that, rather than try to recruit Jinae for her powers, they just decide to throw her out instead? I don’t see any angle where their chosen solution could seem like the more logical option.

Characterization: 26/35

                3/5: Presentation
                I don’t particularly like the way you established your characters. I don’t think you present enough information to really humanize your characters. Any mention of your character’s thought process, only dealt with the immediate plot, which meant that, instead of getting a glimpse at your character’s personality, I just got their reaction to certain events. At no point did I feel I could relate to any of your characters. With Jinae, I don’t really have any sense of her interests, besides her crazy infatuation with the sun. Same goes with Baekhyun’s character. I just wished that you had spent more time elaborating on Jinae’s relationship to her ‘brother’ or maybe talked more about Baekhyun’s experience being alone outside of the Fortress. Things like this would have really helped to round out your characters.

                7/10: Development
                I honestly see no development in Jinae’s character. She’s still the weak-willed, meek girl she was in the first chapter. Given that this story is ongoing, I’ll give it a pass, put I do genuinely hope that at some point in the future, she’ll finally grow a spine. Baekhyun, on the other hand, transitions from being confident and reliable, to becoming a nervous wreck. I hope that you really emphasize on Baekhyun’s mind state as he tries to come to terms with Kyungsoo’s death and how it relates to Jinhae.

                16/20: Diversity/Purpose
                I think the underlying purpose of the mages’ actions is kind of shallow. What that comes down to, is that you try too hard to establish them as the bad guys. When you add things like a “sneer”, it makes it seem like the mages are taking their issues with Jinhae, personally. It makes no sense for them to hate her that much. I can see how they may look at her as a pest, but that doesn’t justify why they seem to take pleasure in seeing her suffer. I can’t really comment on the diversity of your cast, given that not much characterizations were given in the first place. If you really want to sell Baekhyun as being a talkative, friendly guy, then you need to show more of that side of him. Because, so far, we really haven’t seen much of it. I assume that was done intentionally though. Be careful with lumping all the mages together, because at this point, that seems like what you’re doing. Keep in mind that not all of them can be evil and spiteful. I hope that you give Jinhae more of a purpose, because at this point, it seems like she is kind of just stumbling around. I’m just brainstorming here, but if you put some sort of threat on Jiho that forces Jinhae to take action against the mages, it would really strengthen Jinhhae’s sense of purpose.

Writing Style: 15/30

                2/10: Narration
                You spend way too much time reiterating the same things but in different words. I mean, the amount of times that you mentioned that Jinae had never seen sunlight was borderline excessive. It’s ironic, because you spent about three paragraphs establishing the fact that life within the Fortress is mundane, and all I could think about as I read it, was how mundane these paragraphs where. This is purely because of how repetitive you were being. Every sentence you write needs to add something to your story. If it doesn’t, then it needs to be cut out. Redundancy not only slows down the pace of your story, but it also dumbs down your work greatly. Another point that I really want to touch on, is that it is not necessary to explicitly state every single detail of your characters’ thought processes. A lot of their emotions and logic are already implied by their actions, so once again, by stating them explicitly, it becomes redundant. You have to understand that your readers are capable of reading between the lines. In fact, readers are usually much more engaged by your work if you force them to read between the lines on a regular basis. Remember that, in this case, less is more.

                6/10: Consistency/Flow
                Your dictions is somewhat odd at places. For example, you use “She retreated to her room without after dinner was served, eating only slightly more than she had eaten at breakfast, and drinking a cup of water.” Even after reading this sentence back a couple of times, I still have a hard time trying to discern what you’re trying to convey. This happens enough in your writing, that it really starts to affect the flow of your story. Also, your story lacks transitions. You jump from topic to topic, without really taking the time to relate the two topics, which makes your story seem random at times. It’s actually quite disorienting for readers.

                7/10: Spelling/Grammar
                You seem to leave out commas a lot. A majority of your sentences are quite long, which is why commas are so crucial to your writing. You need to make sure you’re using commas appropriately so that your sentences don’t become run-ons. As I mentioned before, you have issues with diction. I highly suggest you get a beta-reader to edit your story for you, or that you go back through your story yourself to edit.

TOTAL: 71/100