warning: vague and brief mentions of violence and non-con

FOUR

 They're trying to eat me, blood running down their chin, I know that I can fight or I can let the lion in.

And I begin to assemble the weapons I can find, cause sometimes to stay alive you've got to kill your mind.

There are three types of owners.

Type one is the worst, in Seungyoon’s opinion. They start out with a such gentle fondness and devotion; he scratches behind your ears and gives you a look full of fondness that it fills your heart with such warmth and security. He gives the best cuddles that make you feel at home, and kisses the top of your head after he comes home from college, it makes your ears twitch in excitement and your tail wag with happiness. Whenever Seungyoon wakes up feeling wrong, he understands. Seungyoon doesn’t really know why; everything is just wrong. But it all seems okay when he wraps you in the fluffiest blanket he owns, he rubs your back in a comforting rhythm and he makes you a mug of hot chocolate just the way you like it. Its a familiar warmness, a place where there’s the person he loves the most; a place he now calls home.

The first time he gets picked from the adoption center, he admit he felt reluctant because Jinwoo hyung, Soojung, Jongsuk hyung, Junhwe— all the people he consider to be family are all there. But type one owners shower you with affection and love, whisper sweet nothings into your ear at night and embed a sense of great affection towards him into your soul and heart.

Seungyoon found a new home, and its perfect just like this; with Seungyoon snuggled into Junho's arms. When Junho comes home one day reeking of alcohol, with wobbly steps and a whimsical dizzy look on his face, Seungyoon runs over to him. He slings one of Junho’s arm over his shoulder and drags him to the bedroom. When Junho flushes red and giggles into the curve of Seungyoon’s neck and says a slurred “Yoon-ah, I love you. You know that?”, Seungyoon is over the moon. He says it back to him and he means every word with all of his heart.

Type one is the worst, because the next day he wakes up with a hangover, he sees a bottle of Dawn 808 on the side table with a sticky note attached to it.

Junho hyung, make sure you don’t drink so much next time!! Its bad for your liver, you dont want to die when before you're thirty~ ( > n < )

Its written familiar neat handwriting that makes him smile affectionately. When he sees Seungyoon in the living room, he doesn’t hesitate to press a chaste kiss on his temple. When he turns around, he types a message. Good morning babe, last night was really fun. ;) You doing ok?

Type one is the worst, because his I love you’s hold a different meaning from yours. At the end of the week brings home a girl. She stands beside him like she was meant to be beside him since the beginning. She’s pretty, she sports a white dress and she has long hair. She offers him a kind smile. “Ah, you must be Seungyoon! I’ve heard so many things about you!”

When Seungyoon only returns her a confused look, Junho speaks. “Seungyoon-ah! I want to introduce you to someone,” Junho smiles in a breathtaking way as he looks at her as if she’s the most amazing thing that has ever happened to him. “This is Soeun, my girlfriend.”

They’re perfect for each other and Seungyoon’s world starts crashing down.

Type one is the worst, because he is the reason why Seungyoon is part of a bitter cycle. First is tiredness, one day Junho comes back home later than usual, weariness blatant across is features. He only sighs loudly when Seungyoon gives him the usual cheerful “Welcome home!”.

For the first time, Junho doesn’t pet or kiss him, he just walks straight to his room, Seungyoon trailing behind, feeling confused. He keeps smiling though, and starts asking him about Junho’s day, and filling him up on what he’s been doing while Junho was at college, as usual. He expected Junho to smile or laugh back, like he usually does. But all he gets is an annoyed grunt. “Can you keep quiet for a second? You’re talking too much, I have a headache.” It’s like a hard slap to Seungyoon, and he recoils back immediately. Ears drooping down, he locks himself in his room. He sleeps alone, and his bed feels too hard and cold.

Second is annoyance; it starts with the simplest of things, like forgetting to put back dishes into the washer, or leaving a trail of water in the hallway after a shower, or accidentally putting Junho’s expensive white button-up in with the towels. Pointless fights occur on a regular basis, and Seungyoon just wants it all to stop.

It builds and builds, until winter was finally fading away. It's February when the annoyance grows into anger. Seungyoon’s birthday rolls around. He decides to be a little selfish for once. He sneaks into Junho’s room and figures that Junho probably wouldn’t mind. Seungyoon slips into the covers and snuggles into Junho's back, letting out a contented sigh. He missed this. It’s a Sunday, so hereaches for Junho’s phone and turns off all the alarms. He goes back to cuddling, and slowly falls into a peaceful sleep for the first time in months.

His bliss was interrupted after what felt to be a short while. He was arruptly woken by Junho’s frantic state of panic. "Yah! Did you turn off my alarm?!” He’s shouting at him, and he's already out of the bed, trying to find decent articles of clothing in his closet.

"Yeah, hyung. I mean, it's a Sunday, plus it's--" Seungyoon's voice is small and careful, trying not to anger Junho any further. He fiddles with the pillow case.

Junho stops and turns around, giving Seungyoon an exasperated look. "What the hell, Seungyoon?"

"I’m sorry— I just—" wanted you to spend the day with me for once.

"I’m an hour and a half late to my date with Soeun!" Junho lets out a frustrated groan and Seungyoon freezes. His heart drops. He forgot.

"What? No! Why? Can’t you just stay with me for today, hyung? I’m really sorry. Hyung, please I—" miss you. I won't ever annoy you again. He tries, its desperate, his voice wavers at the end, as if he was about to break into tears. He sounds pathetic, but Seungyoon doesn’t care.

Junho lets out a frustrated and discontented groan, and he throws the covers off of his body and jumps out of the bed. “I was planning this day for months now and you—” ruined everything. He pauses to look at Seungyoon, unsaid words ringing in the air.  “You know what, forget it. I’m heading out Seungyoon. Don’t even bother to wait for me.”

When Junho leaves their apartment with a loud slam of the door, Seungyoon tries his best not to cry. He convinces himself that Junho will never leave me. It's going to be okay. Seungyoon spends his birthday alone for the first time.

It ends at a breaking point. He walks into Junho and Soeun making out on the couch. Its the final blow, seeing his hair tousled, her clothes tattered and messy. Both of their lips are red and swollen, dilated pupils filled with a mix of arousal, shame and embarrassment. Seungyoon stands there for a whole ten seconds before squeaking out a quick apology. He runs into his room and locks the door.

He wants to scream, because it's all wrong. This was his home, it was warm and accepting, it was the place where Junho showered him with hugs and affection, it was the place where he belonged. But now it's cold and strange. Junho's standing beside Soeun with loving eyes, and she's staring back. They hold hands, fingers interlocked. She's wearing an engagement ring. He knows he could never give him what Soeun offers, and he knows that there is no more room for Seunyoon in Junho's home or heart. He know's he'll have to leave sooner or later. It's a ticking time bomb and as the mere seconds pass by, Seungyoon is afraid of the inevitable.

Five seconds;  "Seungyoon, pack your things." Junho drags an empty luggage into his room, eyes staring at the floor, unable to look at the poor confused puppy. "You're going to have to stay at my hobae's place for awhile."

Four seconds; "Why, hyung? Are you--" Seungyoon's voice hitches, even when he knew it would happen. He had practiced what he would say in this scenario over and over again in his mind. "Are you going on a trip or something?"

Three seconds; "No, it's just that…" He looks straight into Seungyoon's pleading eyes, and has the decency to look empathic. "I'm sorry, Seungyoon. Soeun is… uncomfortable with you being here. We're getting married soon and it's just weird, y'know for me to be so close to you. Relatives are already talking about it."

Two seconds; There's a million thoughts running through his mind. All the dark doubts and questions from the past week clouds his thoughts all at once. So many words he wants to say, so many questions he wants to ask, and all the tears he wanted to let go. But all he could bear to ask was "W-What do you mean, hyung?"

One second; "Look, Seungyoon, I'm really sorry. Live with Jongin for a few months, I'll try to talk and sort things out with Soeun, please." Junho reaches his hands and he kisses his knuckles that were balled up into fists. "Please do this for me. I'll come back for you."

Zero- it's all too late; Seungyoon complies, because he's madly in love with him. He doesn't say goodbye when he gets into Jongin's car, because he believes in Junho's words. Although, deep down in his heart, he knows very well enough that the I'll come back for you and the See you later, Seungyoon, are all just empty promises hidden behind the sweet kisses and warm hugs, just like how the past year had been. He ends up living in a naive fantasy of denial and delusion at the age of 17.

/ / /

Type two, they're the second to best because they understand him.

 Jongin is a two years younger than Junho, a freshman and a dancer. Seungyoon once followed Junho to watch Jongin's dance recital and he remembers feeling a sense of awe when Jongin leaps and twirls. He's fluid and refined, and his strong legs support him well as he lands, its evidence and the result of tough training and determination. He looses himself completely to the music and dance, and Seungyoon ended up on the edge of his seat, eyes wide in admiration for the rest of the recital.

His days living with Jongin are spent in vain. He sits around in the spare room as he waits for Jongin to come home with takeout. Sometimes Jongin would just leave a note on the table along with some money, telling him to buy food for himself because he wont come home that night.

At first he felt anxious and worried, calling Junho almost everyday to ask him if he was doing okay. The latter complied to Seungyoon’s worrying, but as the days past the same bitter cycle repeated once again, and their conversations became shorter and shorter. He had spent hours, lying awake while thinking about Junho hyung, is he doing okay, is he happy now, is he happier without me, is he really trying to keep me? He had spent hours crying, did I do something wrong, what did I do to mess it up, if I had not make a mistake, could it be different from what it is now?

He needed a distraction.

Jongin was kind enough to let him go out during the day and use the internet, so he’s either chatting with Jongsuk online ever since he got taken in by the pretty florist noona. Or he tries to go outside, he goes to the CD shop listening to music, or to his old adoption center. When he’s at home, his days are filled with music, he finds a particular band he likes, thanks to the internet. He plugs in headphones and sings along all day, blocking out reality as if the world only comprised of him and his music in the tiny spare room. He forgets about the Junho, for the time being anyway.

Jinwoo throws him a suspicious look when he comes to visit for the fourth time. “Is Junho-shi really okay with you being here so often?” He ruffles Seungyoon’s hair affectionately. 

Seungyoon notably tenses at the mention of him, he hasn’t really gotten used to it. Yet, he forces a smile on his face. “Actually… I’m not living with Junho—“ Jinwoo chokes on his coffee. Seungyoon panics. “For the time being though! He’s busy with his final year in school and the wedding, he said he needed time to sort things out! Everything’s okay, hyung, I promise.”

Jinwoo looked genuinely distressed, and he looks as Seungyoon as if he was trying to figure out if the words he spouted were trustworthy. The pup was looking down at his shoes, ears drooping and eyebrows in a frown. Jinwoo sighs and reaches out, soothing the creases and the tense frown on his face with his fingers. “Okay, Seungyoon, I believe you. But you have to promise me you’ll return here if anything bad happens, okay? And Junho has to sign an official form if he really wants to let you go, so he’s still your master, no matter what he says, you hear me?”

Seungyoon nods, and nuzzles his face into Jinwoo’s hand, finding further comfort. Jinwoo laughs at this and pulls hi