9.Shelter

                                                     ''This isn’t what my heart really wanted.
                                                       I didn’t become your other half so you could bear half of my misery.''

Seunghyun carries you gently up the steps of your apartment block and to your front door. When you get there you climb down from his arms, open the door and stand in front of it.

‘’I’ll be alright now.’’

He raises an eyebrow.

‘’You don’t have to act strong around me.’’

‘’But, I’m really embarrassed about all of this.’’

He pats your head with his hand and the side of your face.

‘’Don’t be embarrassed, I want to be here.’’

He grabs your hand and leads you into your apartment before you can argue any further.

‘’Do you have a first aid kit?’’

‘’It’s in the cabinet above the sink in the bathroom.’’

‘’Alright, sit down and Ill be back.’’

You go to the sofa and sink down onto it. Everywhere aches but your head hurts the most. You’ve gotten worse beatings before but at least those times you fought back. This time was different, you just couldn’t bring yourself to get up and fight. Maybe its because you’re not angry anymore, you’ve just given up completely.

Seunghyun returns with the kit, a dish with water and a damp flannel. He bends in front of you and starts rolling up your sweatpants. You hiss as he pulls the fabric from the bloodied cuts on your knees and grab a pillow to dig your nails into.

‘’It’s going to hurt, I’m sorry.’’

Very carefully he begins to wipe the blood away from the cuts and then gently daubs around them. When they’re clean he bandages them up carefully with a clean white roller bandage.

‘’That looks a lot better.’’ He says and then kisses both knees ‘’A kiss makes everything better right?’’

He grins up at you and you laugh.

He drops the flannel into the dish and starts ping your jacket. You shrug it off but luckily there are only a few scrapes, it’s your hands that received the most damage when you put them out to cushion your fall onto the ground.

He wipes the dirt off them then applies some band aids to the cuts.

Seunghyun looks at your face then. He palms your cheeks softly in his hands and sighs sadly.

‘’My poor baby, it must hurt.’’

You’re not even sure how much damage has actually been done to your face and you’re not sure you want to know.

He grabs the flannel again and wipes away dried blood from your mouth and chin and then wipes at your forehead which stings so bad that a white flash of pain crosses your eyes.

You try to pull away but he keeps dabbing at it.

‘’I’m almost done, I’m sorry.’’

Eventually he finishes and puts a band aid over it.

‘’I wonder if we should go to the emergency room.’’

You shake your head.

‘’No I really, really hate hospitals.’’

‘’Why?’’ he asks confused.

‘’I spent a lot of time there in the past.’’

Seunghyun doesn’t press any further. Instead he just wraps an arm around your back and helps you off the sofa.

‘’Let’s just get you changed and get into bed. ‘’

He helps you limp to the bedroom and you collapse onto the bed and exhale heavily. The pain in your head is really beginning to take its toll.

You can feel Seunghyuns hands go around the waistband of your sweats and he slips them off you.

You lean up on your arms ‘’Wait I can do that.’’

‘’Don’t be stupid, like I said before, you don’t have to be modest around me right?’’

He winks at you.

‘’Now what do you wear to bed?’’

‘’Usually just a shirt or some shorts.’’

He goes to your wardrobe and fumbles around in it until he pulls out a short pink see through night dress.

‘’Wow, how can an item of clothing be so cute and so y at the same time?’’

You cover your face with your hands to hide your red cheeks.

‘’It was an impulse buy okay? I haven’t even worn it yet its not like I could just walk around at home with it on.’’

‘’Well you’re not at home anymore, so this will do nicely.’’

You sit up as he clambers onto the bed and kindly removes your shirt for you.

You lift your arms and allow him to pull the nightdress over your head but when he goes to smooth it down over your stomach you double over in agony.

‘’Oh my god’’ you groan ‘’That ing hurt.’’

‘’Here’’ Seunghyun says as he eases you across the bed so that you can lie down on the side closest to the wall ‘’Lie down here, I’ll go get some stuff to help with the pain.’’

He leaves and returns a few minutes later with a glass of water, some painkillers and the deep heat cream your dad packed into your first aid kit. He liked to make sure you had everything to help with all kinds of injuries, seeing as you were so prone to getting them.

Seunghyun helps you sit up and pops the painkillers into your mouth before handing you the water. You gulp the whole thing down thirstily before flopping back down onto the pillows.

He lifts your nightdress up over your stomach and squirts the cream onto it. Sending chills up and down your spine.

‘’This will help soothe the muscle pain’’ he says as he caresses it into your skin ‘’You’ll feel a lot better soon.’’

He lies down alongside you on your little single bed and continues to rub soothing circles onto your tummy. You can feel yourself growing extremely drowsy and you look at him through slit eyelids.

He’s gazing lovingly at you with a small smile on his face.

‘’This must be the least y thing you’ve ever done with a girl.’’ You murmur ‘’I’m sorry.’’

He slides his arm beneath you and pulls you against his chest.

‘’Don’t you dare be sorry for this.’’ He kisses the top of your head ‘’I’m going to look after you now, so it’s okay, go to sleep for a while.’’

‘’Okay.’’

‘’When you wake up we can talk about what happened.’’

‘’Okay.’’

You close your eyes and drift off instantly.

In your dreams you find yourself running through a thick black forest. The branches of trees reach out to grab you and tear deep gashes into your skin. But you keep running and screaming for help.

‘’Who do you think you are’’ a voice hisses ‘’Do you think he’d want someone like you? This is all your fault.’’

‘’NO’’ you shout back ‘’I didn’t ask for this I swear!’’

‘’You’re a tease and a cheating , no one wants to see scum like you ever again.’’

You fall to your knees and howl in pain.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!’’

That’s when you feel hands wrap around your throat and his voice speaks to you.

‘’I never want to see you again.’’

‘’Please’’ you whimper ‘’Please don’t leave me.’’

‘’Jagiya….Jagiya….wake up.’’

Your eyes snap open and you jump up. The bed sheets are clinging to your skin which is drenched in sweat and your head hurts worse than before.

Seunghyun sits up next to you and pats your back.

‘’I think you had a bad dream.’’

You breathe out heavily and wipe the sweat from your brow.

‘’Yeah, I guess I did.’’

‘’What was it about?’’

‘’It’s too weird to explain.’’

You look around you and notice that the room is grey from the dimming sky outside.

‘’What time is it?’’

Seunghyun squints at his watch.

‘’About 9 pm.’’

‘’!’’ you gasp ‘’I completely forgot.’’

‘’Forgot what?’’

You scramble from the bed onto the floor to find your jacket that has your phone in the pocket. You retrieve it then climb over Seunghyun and back onto the bed. You open up the radio app you installed and search for the station your Dad said he would be on.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Seunghyun asks.

‘’Just wait.’’

You turn on the station and your Dad’s voice can be heard. The segment is nearly finished but you’re grateful you managed to catch the end of it.

‘’Do you have any other songs you’d like to perform for us?’’ The radio presenter asks.

‘’Yeah.’’ Your dad replies ‘’I’d like to do my song ‘’Try’’ for my daughter who isn’t by my side right now, I hope she’s listening and feels closer to me through this song.’’

You lay back on the bed alongside Seunghyun who slips his hand into yours and you both listen quietly to the song your Dad wrote for you sometime after your mother passed away. It was his way of consoling you as well as coming to terms with the loss himself.

‘’ Oh, even if all tears in the world

Were to pool in my small eyes

I just wish I could cry for you in your place.’’

You press your arm over your eyes to stop the tears from coming out.

‘’ One day I will give you the world.

Try..

If that can’t be done, I will change the world.

Try..

Today may be full of promises but girl I’ll try..’’

Your dad finishes and thanks the presenter and you can hear the tightness in his voice, as if he too was trying not to cry. You know he misses you just as much as you miss him. After it being just you two for so long, being separated hurts.

‘’He sounds familiar’’Seunghyun muses ‘’Are you a fan?’’

You laugh ‘’Yeah, you could say that. I just really love that song he performed so I really wanted to listen. I want it to give me the strength to go on.’’

‘’________’’ Seunghyun says your name softly ‘’I don’t want to pressure you, but can you please tell me what happened today?’’

You sigh ‘’I don’t know where to begin.’’

‘’Well to be honest, I heard most of your conversation with that guy, It’s not that I was eavesdropping I just didn’t want to go over.’’

‘’Oh.’’

‘’Yeah so being in the dark is freaking me out a little, if you tell me then I can help you.’’

‘’It’s just hard to open up, I’ve been betrayed so much that I can’t even remember what it’s like to trust again.’’

Seunghyun gets off the bed then and starts shucking off his jeans.

‘’What are you doing?’’

‘’I’m getting more comfortable.’’

He gets back onto the bed and pulls the cover over his head and yours till you’re enveloped in darkness. He pulls you between his legs so that your back is resting against his chest and he wraps his arms around you.

‘’It’s just us two in here, you don’t have to be afraid.’’ He your arm ‘’Just speak to the darkness, vent out all of your frustrations and I’ll listen quietly.’’

You can’t see a thing and you cling to his arms as if you’re clinging to edge of a cliff, you feel like if you let go that you’ll fall and never get up again.

You breathe in shakily and for the first time in a long time, you just talk.

‘’I used to have a lot of friends’’ you begin ‘’I was popular and the two girls who pummelled me today were two of my closest. I had a boyfriend too. We were a big group of troublemakers and we were always messing up and getting involved in dumb . Including parties. I was always careful never to drink alcohol though, but they always got out of their minds drunk.’’

You squeeze Seunghyun tighter.

‘’Then one night something happened that changed it all. There was an incident and a lot of people got hurt, including those girls and my boyfriend.’’ You start to well up again ‘’It was all such a horrible mess and in the end the police showed up to the house and we were all too distracted with fighting to run away so we were all arrested. Everyone who was meant to be my friend me and said I supplied alcohol and that I tried to assault Jang Hyeyoung, one of the girls from today. Luckily because I was a minor and it was my first time getting arrested, I was let off with a warning, but it still went on my record and my school was notified too so I got suspended for a week. Hence why no prestigious Universities would accept me.’’

All the painful memories rush through your body like a bulldozer and they break you down all over again. You tried so hard to forget and to move on but that involved never facing up and dealing with what happened, so you’ve never been able to let go of the past. And now that those girls are back it’s making your recovery so much more difficult.

‘’I’m so sorry baby.’’ Seunghyun murmurs and he kisses your head ‘’That must have been so hard.’’

‘’It was.’’ You sniff ‘’It was really hard and it still is. It hurts so bad.’’

‘’So cry baby, cry until it stops hurting.’’

‘’I can’t cry, it’s all my fault why should I get to cry.’’

‘’It’s not your fault, deep down you know it, you’re just trying to punish yourself.’’

His words resonate with you and you can feel the defensive wall you set up around yourself start to crumble. The tears come silently at first as you shake in Seunghyuns arms but soon the sobs erupt loudly from your chest and you can’t hold it in anymore.

‘’I’m so sorry’’ you weep ‘’I’m sorry.’’

Seunghyun pulls the covers off you both and you turn to wrap yourself around him and he holds you gently on his lap.

‘’It’s alright baby, let it out.’’

You cry for what feels like an eternity before you finally calm down and Seunghyun grabs a tissue from the box on your nightstand to wipe at your nose and face.

‘’I’m so gross.’’

He pokes your nose ‘’Don’t be stupid, even with snot running down your face you still look ethereal to me.’’

You smile weakly.

‘’Seunghyun, why were you outside my apartment?’’

He leans forward to kiss you.

‘’Because I like you dummy. I couldn’t let you walk away from me just like that, especially considering it was me who upset you.’’

That’s when you remember him telling you his real age at the park. Because of Nari and Hyeyoung, him lying about his age didn’t seem like a huge issue to you.

‘’Oh Seunghyun no, the reason I walked away then was because I saw those two girls at the park. Once they saw me I freaked out and that’s why I acted so crazy.’’

His eyes widen in shock.

‘’Wow, I thought I’d really screwed everything up.’’

‘’Well I understand why you lied and yeah you probably could have told me a little earlier but it’s okay. If I was in your position I might have done the same.’’

He grins and starts kissing you all over your face.

‘’Yah, it tickles!’’

‘’I’m just so grateful to have such a forgiving girlfriend like you.’’

‘’Girlfriend?’’ you say in astonishment ‘’I’m your girlfriend?’’

He looks embarrassed ‘’It kind of slipped out there but…I mean… that’s how I see you, even if it’s only been like a week.’’ He scratches his head nervously ‘’If I’m being honest, I can’t remember feeling this way about anyone before. It feels like we’ve always been together, if that makes sense.’’

‘’Yeah, yeah it makes a lot of sense actually.’’

 You take his hands in yours to his soft skin.

‘’But Seunghyun, the age difference, does it not bother you?’’

He shakes his head ‘’I don’t even notice it. I know it’s a lot but I don’t want you ever to think I’m taking advantage because of your age. I sat and thought about it for a long time, I wondered if I was making a mistake and that being with you was selfish. But I can’t change how I feel and I want you to know that if at any point you’re no longer comfortable with me, that you can ditch me and I’ll never turn on you, I promise.’’

You pull his hands to your mouth and kiss them.

‘’Thank you.’’

‘’For what?’’

‘’For being the first person I’ve been able to trust in a very long time.’’

You both kiss and lay down next to each other again.

‘’I’ll help you from now on, so don’t be scared of those girls, I’ll look after you.’’

You can’t know for sure if Seunghyun can fulfil his promises but what you do know is that at some point you have to take a chance. You have to jump into the deep end and open yourself up because you can’t remain a closed book for the rest of your life.

 At some point you have start again and live life from a new perspective.