"I'm leaving for school now." I tried to fake a smile to Auntie and Yura we were eating muffins at the dining table. They were laughing at each other's jokes and didn't give me a glance as I stepped off the house and left for school. Yura's attending an Arts school and will attend school in the afternoon. I wonder how good it must be to attend an Arts school and be a performer someday.

Oh well, those are just dreams someone like should never dream of. I should stay in the lane of standard dreams where ugly beings like me should be.

 

I entered our classroom and found my seat missing. I heard some snickering behind my back and when I looked back at them, they were all either smiling, smirking or laughing. I ignored them, thinking of the best ways to get a seat before our teacher comes.

I found a seat at the back and settled for it, even though the sit was one leg shorter. It would have to do for now.

Our teacher came and started the lecture. I listened diligently although I felt paper balls being thrown at me from time to time. It was useless to call for the teacher's attnetion and interupt the class. As long as I won't die from paper ball throws, I won't complain.

 

Classes ended and I turned for lunch in the cafeteria. As usual, there were many students who fell in line. I made myway towards the line and waited until I am to be served. Kids had 15 centimeters of distance from me. They probably thought I have some freak disease and that they could get contaminated.

I sighed and paid for the food before sitting on a table to eat. I looked around to see students chat and be friendly with other students while I'm here all alone, eating with no one but myself. I was used to this, anyway. I can't do anything to change how things work now.

 

It shouldn't have been this way if I wasn't to stupid to love a boy who I'm sure, won't love me back.

Choi Minho. He was a senior who graduated last year. I met her during my freshmen year where I didn't know where to find my classroom. I bumped into him and just like that, I was experiencing love at first sight with him as he shows me the way to my classroom. Since then, I have fallen for him completely and I was so sure i'd do anything for him to love me back, too.

Though I was foolish. He'd never love an ugly, chubby girl like me. I should've known people are all the same, loving a person for what they look like and not for what's in their hearts. Mom was wrong to say that loving a person in based from the inside, not the outside. Mom was so wrong and me? I'm a stupid kid to believe what she said back then.

Though I knew about the truth, I still loved Minho. I was still persistent on getting him to love me back. So on his birthday, I planned on confessing. I was invited because everyone was. I'm not exactly unwanted before so people were sometimes talking to me and laughing at my jokes. I still had friends, no matter how few they were.

His friend, Jonghyun was the host of the show. He asked the crowd if there was someone out there who wanted to give Minho a birthday performance. And because it was his last year in our school, I grabbed the chance and walked up the stage, singing him a song that conveyed all my feelings. Everyone was cheering because I was known to have a good voice. They evensaid I'd be an idol if I was just a little bit thinner.

The cheering ended though, when I didn't left the stage after my performance and confessed.

"Happy birthday, Minho oppa. Thanks for being born. Without you, my life would've been boring. I know this is foolish and stupid but I have to grab this once in a lifetime chance of confessing. Yes, I like you, oppa. No, I think I love you. Now, I just want to know if  you have the same feelings for me." I was so stupid.

After a few seconds of silence, his friend Kibum started laughing and soon, everyone joined the laughter. I watched as they held their stomach and tried to stop their tears from the overjoy. Everyone was laughing except for me who was dumbfounded and for Minho who looked pissed.

He pulled me off the stage and pushed me to give ourselves distance. "You disappointed me, Nabi-ah. This is my last birthday with our school and yet you chose to shame me infront of them?"

"But Minho oppa, I really love you! I really do!" I tried to get closer but he took steps backwards and away from me.

"Stop this, Nabi. I can't love you because I already have Hani hear now." He pointed his heart which started the rolling tears in my eyes. "And even if I don't have anyone right now, I'm sure I won't love you. So stop dreaming."

The next days, people were laughing at me, insulting me, judging and making me feel like I'm not deserving to be treated like human anymore. That one step of proclaiming my love for that one person I cherished was also the step to giving myself the life I hoped to never have.

That made me realize how cruel the world was to people who are ugly. They will continue to judge you until you can't help but to judge yourself too. Soon after people starts hating you, you will hate yourself, too.

It was a surprise that I'm still alive dispite how much I loathed myself. Maybe because I never knew how much uglier I got since the day I last checked the mirror. It gave me lesser reasons to find myself disgusting and kill myself. Though suicide would be in my options, sooner or later.

 

"Hey, watch it." A guy said, picking the bags of clothes that fell on the street when I bumped on him. I started apologizing and helped out in picking the fallen bags. It had known expensive brands and he was hurrying. He probably needed this in his work.

"I'm so sorry." I sighed and bit my lower lip unconsciously before helping him out. Thankfully, no dirt damaged the clothes inside the paper bags. When our gazes met, he looked horrified. Thankfully, I was half expecting that.

Though instead of profanities or comments on how ugly and stupid I am, he pointed to my lips and said, "Their bleeding." I didn't realize I was biting so hard on my lips until he pointed them out.

"I-I'm sorry." I'm so stupid. I've caused too much trouble in people I meet. I'm really cursed, aren't I? Maybe Auntie was right. Maybe I should start on thinking of ways on how to suicide without causing too much trouble on people one last time. "I've caused you trouble. I'm so sorry. Here," I handed him the handle of the paper bags and bowed multiple times. "I'm really sorry."

"You said 'sorry' four times but I already forgave you when you said the first one. You only say sorry, once. Remember that." The guy took out his phone, tapping its screen and raising it in between our faces. I heard on click of the phone camera before he smiled and ran off.

Suddenly, I wasn't thinking of ways to suicide but instead, I was wondering about the guy who took a picture of me.

 

---

 

"Got you a project." Himchan said, smiling at Yongguk. He fished for his phone and tapped towards the picture before showing it to his slightly older brother. "Whatcha think?"

"She.." Yongguk tried to find the right words to say so he won't sound so rude when he directly say she's ugly.

"Yeah, I know. She's ugly, right?" Himchan laughed, remembering how horrified he was after he saw her. Though after a second, he found something wrong in her eyes. He saw sadness that affected him and made him feel like he just lost a brother. In seconds, he found it so hard not to look away from her eyes. Her eyes held too much sadness, he just wanted to die than see them in a girl's eyes. He knew, just from one look, that the girl was having thoughts on suicide. It's how he looked when he was fourteen after losing his parents until the Bang family took him in.

Himchan watched Yongguk as the latter haven't even taken his eyes off the picture after he saw it. "She looks familiar, doesn't she?" 

"Yeah." Yongguk knew these eyes. They were the same pair of eyes Himchan had when he first saw him. The pair of eyes he tried so much to avoid for they caused him sadness and pain. The sadness that was caught up in Himchan's eyes that he so badly wanted to erase.

"So. Want her?" Himchan threw a name plate in the air and swiftly caught it with his hand. Sometimes, he thought he was born to be a robber. He had swift hands that made him have everything in his hand in one grasp without anyone knowing until it's late. He looked at the name again. 

"What's the name?" Yongguk asked, rummaging on his working table for a pen and paper.

"Song Nabi." Himchan smiled, looking at how keen Yongguk had become after his proposal.

Yongguk stopped midair and tried the name on his tongue. "Song Nabi. Nabi. Nabi means butterfly. Metamorphosis. Project Metamorphosis." Yongguk talked to himself and wrote the tile on a scratch paper.

Walking closer, Himchan placed the name plate on top of the paper. "Good luck saving her."

Yongguk paused as Himchan walked towards the door of his room. Yongguk knew what Himchan meant by saving her. His thoughts were right.

The girl was suicidal and he had to find her. Fast.