'But I Watch Us Go Round and Round Each Time.'
"I've Been There Too a Few Times."
Pairing: JackBam
Song: ‘Mono’ - Fightstar
Created: 16/2/15
Finished: 21/2/15
Word count: 4,253
{ WARNING: Do not get your hopes up. }
CHAPTER 2 - 'BUT I WATCH US GO ROUND AND ROUND EACH TIME.'
BamBam could barely remember how long it had been since that night, the night he shouted at his hyung. The night he snapped and had had enough; the night he had no sleep as he just cried alone in his empty house.
Jackson had tried to contact him a few times since, sending sickening messages and leaving nauseatingly sweet voice messages. Begging the younger boy to talk to him.
BamBam had almost caved so many times; he was starting to think he needed to permanently leave his phone off to resist temptation.
He was angry, so unbelievably angry. The one time the actually wanted Jackson to ignore him he did the opposite.
BamBam was sick of everything.
He was tired of fighting himself. The childhood BamBam who loved Jackson and wanted to crawl back into his arm and apologise, and the present BamBam who loved Jackson but was sick of being thrown around as though he meant nothing. His head was a constant war of thoughts, battling against each other to rise to power.
He was barely sleeping, barely eating, barely himself at all. And he was just fed up of thinking about Jackson 24/7 when he didn’t deserve it.
BamBam only seemed to be aiding the process of destroying himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was still as numb as that hauntingly memorable night.
In the process of not seeing Jackson, BamBam also hadn’t seen his other friends. His brothers.
He missed them, he missed them so much, but he couldn’t bring himself to see them. He couldn’t risk seeing Jackson.
He could put up a front, he was a good actor. But there was only so long it could last around the Hong Kong native and he wasn’t sure if he’d blow up in his face or try to kiss him. He couldn’t risk either; he’d only end up more broken than he already was.
He text them all like usual, giving casual rejections to their offerings of meeting up. Acting normal whenever Jackson was mentioned, not giving much response to his questioning hyung’s.
But Jinyoung knew him better; and he knew something was beyond wrong.
“Yeah I know, she hasn’t stopped crying since he proposed!” Jinyoung laughed his velvet like voice filled with adoration and happiness.
“I can imagine! Wow it’s so exciting hyung, I’m so happy for noona.” BamBam smiled, spinning his spoon around in his mug as his other hand held his phone. His smile grew even wider just imagining Jinyoung’s sister crying in happiness.
“I know me too. She really deserves it, and he’s a great guy too so I know he’ll treat her well. Anyway to get to the point she’s throwing an engagement party… A huge one at that.” Jinyoung sighed but BamBam knew it was in a good natured way and the older male was still smiling.
“And she has requested that, ‘her favourite dongsaeng Kunpimook’ must attend because she misses you.” Jinyoung laughed sweetly and BamBam couldn’t not smile at the sound.
Jinyoung had always made BamBam happy, he thought that maybe in another life if he hadn’t met Jackson, he could have loved Jinyoung.
But even if they lived another life, Jinyoung would love Mark. He was pretty sure the two of them always would; no matter the laws of time and space.
“Well of course I’ll be there… Is the gang coming?” He spoke, his voice wavering slightly. Knowing that that meant a very particular male would be included.
“…Yeah I’ve invited them… Bam… Mark said he’d talk to him if you want.” A hint of sadness ran through his voice; clear even through the grainy quality of the phone.
BamBam swallowed thickly dread filling his chest, already knowing that of course Jinyoung would’ve known something was wrong, but he had still hoped the elder wouldn’t.
He had hoped he wouldn’t be so observant for once, that maybe he didn’t know BamBam as well as he thought.
BamBam felt guilty that it had gotten to a point where Jinyoung couldn’t even say his best friend’s name over the phone.
“No hyung, it’s okay. It’s about time I faced him anyway.” BamBam sighed as he squeezed his eyes shut, resting against the kitchen counter as he suddenly felt dizzy with nerves.
“I’m not going to push you Bam, you know I’d never do that. But I can’t watch you waste away anymore, I don’t like it Bam, you’re not yourself. Please… you need to stop distancing yourself.” Jinyoung whispered a gentle softness to his already soft voice that made BamBam feel both guilty and secure.
He knew Jinyoung was right; but it didn’t stop BamBam from wishing he wasn’t.
“I know. I’m sorry I made you worry hyung…”
“Don’t apologise Kun, and don’t worry okay? I understand.” BamBam could hear the smile in his hyung’s voice and he smiled too. A little relived that Jinyoung wasn’t angry. Not that the older male even knew how to be angry.
“Thanks hyung.” He whispered
“No problem. Now c’mon go get a pen I’ll give you the details for this party.”
BamBam’s heart clenched tightly, as though someone had it in the palm of their hand and was squeezing it with all their strength.
And that seemed to be exactly what was happening.
He sat staring at Jackson, watching him as he danced with one of Jinyoung’s sisters’ friends. He should be used to this; he should have known that nothing would have changed. He must be stupid for even wishing his words that night in the car had finally woken Jackson up.
The older male hadn’t attempted any contact, only a snort nod and hushed hello when Jackson had arrived with Jaebum and Yugyeom.
He wasn’t sure when Mark had wound their fingers together under the table, but the slight touch was enough to help BamBam hold himself together. His thumb was gently rubbing BamBam’s skin, sending comfort through his tense body. It was only a small help, but BamBam appreciated it more than he could say.
“Don’t worry Mook, he won’t do anything stupid to hurt you. It’s just the alcohol.” Mark whispered as he tucked BamBam’s hair behind his ear in a fatherly fashion.
If only you knew.
BamBam wanted to scream, he wanted to walk up to Jackson and slap him. He wanted to cry into Jackson’s chest and never let go.
He sighed heavily already feeling to urge to scream. He turned away from Jackson briefly to look at Mark, almost apologising for the strong concern he had put on his hyung’s face.
“That hasn’t stopped him before hyung.” He felt a bitter smile tilt up his lips as his words tasted venomous in his mouth. His eyes were straight back on Jackson, clenching his teeth together as Jackson wound his hands around the woman’s waist and whispered something in her ear.
BamBam squeezed Mark’s hand unconsciously, downing his drink and deciding to leave the room before he lost control of himself.
“I’m going to get another drink.” BamBam sighed, leaving the lavish hall quickly. Deciding that he wasn’t going to survive the night without an alcohol fuelled system.
BamBam was feeling a buzz. His mind was slightly hazy and he was starting to feel his tightly bound self-unwind slightly.
Mark had just left after Jinyoung, first assuring that the younger would be okay on his own. BamBam held a small smile to his lips, hopefully Mark and Jinyoung would confess tonight and stop being so secretive about their blatant attraction for each other. Maybe then BamBam wouldn’t have to constantly bicker at lovesick Jinyoung to fess up.
He laughed quietly, not taking any notice as Mark’s empty seat was taken up by another person. He sipped his drink and turned to the side, his smile faltering as his eyes were locked with Jackson’s.
His heart thumped in his chest and his breaths became quicker. When was the last time he got to look into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes?
BamBam swallowed, refusing to break the small contact. He stared at Jackson as the older man stared back; his eyes were shining with unspoken words that BamBam couldn’t make out in his hazy state.
“Bam…” Jackson whispered, everything became quiet and Jackson’s smooth voice became enhanced.
BamBam felt his heart pick up once more, a sickening happiness prickling through his body at finally hearing the older man’s voice.
He felt his mind beginning to wage war again, land mines of angry exploding and white flags of forgiveness waving, the loudest voice screaming at him; telling him he’s stupid for feeling happiness. For allowing the one man who causes him so much hurt near him.
But he silenced that voice. He silenced his thoughts.
Just one night. Let it be how it used to be; just for one night.
“Jackson.” BamBam whispered back his voice coming out gravely and croaky, as though it was hard to even speak the name. Which wasn’t far from the truth.
A smile e side of Jackson’s lips upward, happy that BamBam was allowing this. He didn’t want to push the younger boy, but as his hand came to entwine with BamBam’s on the table he knew he couldn’t help himself.
BamBam stiffened, his body turning warm with that white heat that Jackson’s touch always sent through him. He ignored the shouting inside his head, squeezing his eyes closed quickly before taking the plunge and wrapping his fingers with Jacksons.
He couldn’t stop himself, he knew this would end like it always did, but at that alcohol filled minute BamBam didn’t care.
He just wanted to feel something, to escape the numb shell his body had become.
Jackson smiled widely, sending BamBam’s heart soaring.
“Wanna dance?” Jackson voiced, excitement shining in his eyes. He looked at BamBam, his thumb BamBam’s skin, sending a very different feeling through BamBam then when Mark had done it.
BamBam didn’t think he could speak at that moment, choosing instead to just nod shakily at the other. Jackson practically beamed, up and out of his seat in a flash as he pulled BamBam along with him, the both of them stumbling hilariously.
BamBam stood stiffly for a few long moments watching as Jackson began dancing along to the beat of the song. (That involved far too many body rolls for BamBam’s liking.)
He watched Jackson, taking in his well-fitting black suit that clung nicely to his broad shoulders and thick biceps. He looked so different without a snap back on, his dark chocolate hair falling softly on his forehead.
BamBam tried to not notice how soft the strands looked, how the slight makeup around his eyes made him look amazingly handsome, how his pink cheeks hinted at his intoxication and seemed to make his skin glow, how his smile was more beautiful than BamBam ever remembered it.
Before he could scold himself mentally for falling back into old habits, the atmosphere on the dance floor changed, a slow song playing and drifting through the air.
He gulped, turning his head as everyone on the dance floor seemed to grab someone and begin to slow dance.
How cliché.
BamBam was turning to walk back to the table, not enough of a masochist and still lucid enough to refuse any slow dancing with Jackson. But of course the older man had other plans and BamBam was pulled into his strong chest.
His skin turned hot and he was sure his skin was brushed pink, if not red. He took some deep breaths to try and calm himself, ignoring the older man’s hands clinging to his waist. He bit his lips and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop his hands as they slid to Jackson’s strong shoulders.
BamBam didn’t know why he was trying to stop himself when his body had already moved at its own accord. He was about to remove his head from Jackson’s chest when he felt Jackson move, a breath released hitting the skin beneath BamBam’s ear. He stilled, waiting.
“I’m sorry Bam.” He whispered his voice like silk, flittered with emotion that BamBam pretended he couldn’t hear. His fingers squeezed the fabric of Jackson’s suit, feeling himself breathing heavily.
“I-it’s okay Jackson hyung. We don’t have to talk about it right now.” He choked out.
“No, I know. But I needed you to know, I really am sorry.” And then Jackson’s nose was pressing into his hair affectionately.
Tears were filling BamBam’s eyes, and he honestly wasn’t sure if they were from happiness or sadness. He heaved a shuddering breath trying to calm his shaking body before Jackson noticed.
“I forgive you.” BamBam’s eyes snapped open.
What the… Did I just say that?
BamBam gasped, biting his lip as his words flowed through the air around them. How could he be so stupid? Did he really just say that?
He couldn’t forgive him that easily… Could he?
BamBam’s inner conflict was halted as Jackson pulled back slightly, staring into BamBam’s eyes as if trying to pick out the lie. He looked unsure and it shone in his eyes, but he beamed down at BamBam. He ran his hand through BamBam’s blonde hair softly before cupping BamBam’s flushed cheeks in his hands, and then he was leaning in and pressing a kiss to BamBam’s forehead.
Every nerve in his body was lit up and burning with warmth. BamBam wanted to push him away, but it was almost as though some unknown entity was controlling his body as his eyes fluttered closed and his hands encircled Jackson’s wrists. Not pushing him away at all.
The rational part of his brain was exploding with taunts and shouts, but he couldn’t find it in him care. He was here with Jackson, and he’d make the most of it while they were on okay terms.
Jackson pulled his lips away, smiling at BamBam. BamBam tried to smile back and hoped he had succeeded.
Then he was stepping back clasping his hand around BamBam’s and dragging him through the hall, dodging people here and there.
“Where are we going?” BamBam hiccupped, not even attempting to fight the older male as he was pulled along.
“I need some fresh air. I’m hot after all that moving.” Jackson’s hyena laugh echoed through the hall and BamBam found a face splitting grin forming on his lips.
Oh how he loved that laugh.
BamBam threw his body onto the sofa as soon as he stumbled into the living room, deciding he couldn’t possibly go any further. He watched with hooded eyes as the other six men wobbled into the room.
Jaebum and Yugyeom had hold of one wrist each as they practically dragged Youngjae through the house. “My name is Youngjae. How are you?” He kept repeating in between maniacal laughter. Jaebum looked too tired and far too drunk to deal with Youngjae’s .
Yugyeom helped until Jaebum had Youngjae somewhat sitting in a chair, before helping Jaebum collect blankets and pillows to create a makeshift bed on Jackson’s living room floor.
BamBam’s hooded eyes flittered to the doorway of the living room, where Mark was carrying a sleeping Jinyoung. BamBam was amazed Mark hadn’t tripped over his own feet considering he was staring at the sleeping male in his arms and not where he was walking.
He almost applauded, but he was too tired to move.
Mark lay down on the other sofa, Jinyoung on his chest as he watched the other sleep. BamBam felt warmth spread through him just watching them.
Jackson was last to enter the room, having taken about ten minutes just to get his keys in the front door and lock it. He smiled at Mark and Jinyoung, patting Mark’s shoulder as he walked behind the couch to go help Jaebum and Yugyeom.
BamBam felt his eyes flutter to a close, exhaustion finally setting in from all the alcohol and emotion that had consumed him that night. He knew he should probably lie down on the sofa to prevent a stiff neck in the morning, but he couldn’t be bothered to move. Allowing himself to relax back into the sofa cushions and letting the darkness consume him.
“Mook…” A deep voice whispered into his ear, he was stirred awake by soft fingers trailing down the side of his face and the sweet tingling sensation they bought.
BamBam opened his eyes to find himself staring straight into Jackson’s, they were inches apart and BamBam could feel Jackson’s breath against his face.
If his mind had not been so clouded with sleep and lingering alcohol, he may have moved away from Jackson. But in his current state, he felt himself relaxing further as his own hand came up to entwine with Jackson’s that was resting against his cheek.
They seemed to stay that way for a few long moments, just staring at each other. Until Jackson pulled away slightly, he held a small smile to his pink lips. He got up from his crouched position on the floor, tugging BamBam’s hand to signal the younger boy to get up.
BamBam’s body was working faster than his mind as he found himself getting up instead of asking why Jackson was here or what the older wanted.
His legs cracked and his free hand came up to rub the blur from his eyes. He said nothing as he was lead through Jackson’s house, upstairs and into the elder’s room.
BamBam froze, watching as Jackson began to discard his suit jacket, wondering what the hell he was doing here. In Jackson’s room. With Jackson.
He watched as Jackson’s fingers began to his shirt, muscled tan skin baring itself to BamBam and shining in the dim light of the room, leaving BamBam breathless.
He had seen Jackson shirtless countless times, but the sight never failed to make BamBam’s throat dry and his heart pound.
Jackson turned to look at BamBam, hooded eyes trailing over his body.
BamBam gulped, watching as Jackson moved closer to him, pulling one of his t shirts out of nowhere and placing it in BamBam’s hand.
He got the message, but it did nothing to ease his confusion and rapid pace of his beating heart. He turned around, beginning to discard his own clothes as his face flushed red. Ignoring the sound of Jackson’s belted trousers hitting the floor behind him.
He pulled Jackson’s shirt over his head, closing his eyes and inhaling the beautiful masculine scent of Jackson that lingered on the fabric.
He removed his trousers deciding to sleep in his boxers; they had done this so many times before.
Though they were children then… and it had been years since he and Jackson had slept together in the same bed.
He was so busy with his inner monologue and memories that he failed to notice or feel the eyes piercing into his back; he turned and was startled as he watched Jackson watching him intently.
A long moment passed between them as nerves began to swell in BamBam’s chest, beginning to think he should maybe retreat back downstairs to the semi comfortable sofa.
Though before he had time to fully process the thought Jackson’s hand was wrapped delicately around his wrist, and he was pulled beneath the silken sheets of Jackson’s bed. Lying down against the pillows and Jackson remained sat up next to him.
He held his breath watching as Jackson stared down at him, his wrist burning from the contact that Jackson kept. He tried to look away from Jackson’s smouldering eyes but something inside him wouldn’t allow it.
“When… did you get so thin?” Jackson asked shakily as he swallowed emotion thick through his whispered words. A deep frown carved into his face as his eyes trailed to BamBam’s neck and chest, his shirt too big for BamBam’s body exposing the boy’s prominent collarbones.
BamBam was caught off guard, his eyes widening slightly. Sure he’d been skipping a few meals but nothing too serious. Well he didn’t think so at least. But then again, it had been a few months since he had last seen Jackson…
“W-well… I…” BamBam stuttered.
“You’re still beautiful…” Jackson whispered again the crinkled lines of concern on his face smoothing out as he stared at BamBam, something else entirely taking over his features.
BamBam gaped, unsure if he had really just heard Jackson say that.
A warning voice was beginning to echo in the back of his mind, shouting and pleading at him. But again he chose to ignore it.
An invisible charge sparked between them their eyes thick with emotion, and as BamBam’s eyes trailed to Jackson’s lips his hand was already moving at its own accord. He ran his fingers through Jackson’s soft hair, letting his hand curl around the back of his neck.
Jackson tightened his hold on BamBam’s wrist his other hand resting against his neck, a shiver traveling through him as BamBam bit his lip and exhaled loudly at the contact.
Before either could really register it, the distance between them was vanishing. Keeping eye contact until the very last second when Jackson pressed his lips gently against BamBam’s.
BamBam sighed into the kiss feeling his body set alight with so much emotion and burning heat he felt his eyes tearing up.
He pulled Jackson closer to his body, the elder having to steady himself with a hand on the mattress beneath them.
BamBam wound his fingers in Jackson’s hair holding him as close as possible, scared the elder would pull away and leave like the first and last time they had kissed. His lips moulded softly against Jackson’s showing the other man his every affection through the slick movements of his mouth.
Jackson pulled away panting against BamBam’s lips, his thumb the soft skin of BamBam’s neck as his eyes came up to meet brown irises.
“Please… Don’t leave again.” BamBam whispered staring straight at Jackson, his voice vulnerable.
Jackson shook his head gently, leaning back to BamBam’s lips and kissing the pain away once again.
He slid his hands to BamBam’s waist, gripping gently as he pulled them to lie side by side; lips still connected.
His hand gripped BamBam’s waist sending a pleasurable shudder through the younger boy, feeling Jackson’s large hand heat his body through the material of his shirt.
He BamBam’s bottom lip sensually, revelling in the stuttered whimper that slipped from BamBam’s throat. He ran his hot tongue against the seam of his soft lip, feeling BamBam’s hand grip his bicep tightly as he opened his mouth. He flicked his tongue against BamBam’s lightly before he pulled away altogether, staring at the younger males flushed face.
BamBam looked up at him through his eyelashes not believing that that had just happened, a cloud of doubt settling in his eyes as he gripped Jackson tighter just in case he began to fade away.
Jackson brushed away his bangs, smiling down at him and kissing him softly before he pulled BamBam tightly to his chest.
BamBam blushed hard, his body still buzzing and warm from their kiss and the fact that Jackson was holding him.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms.
BamBam felt consciousness slowly seeping into his body, squeezing his eyes shut as the light in the room began to flood his vision.
He stretched his limbs; smiling in triumph when his joints clicked and comfort over took him.
He opened his eyes, looking around as his memory slowly began to filter.
He bolted straight up as his lips began to tingle, his skin heating where Jackson had touched him, his insides flipping as memories of Jackson’s piercing eyes and soft lips began to play in BamBam’s mind.
He stared absently at nothing for a few moments, trying to decipher if what he was remembering really happened or was just something he had fabricated in his drunken loneliness.
He looked down at the patch of bed next to him, frowning as he noticed the absence of a very specific man.
He got up quickly, pulling on a random pair of Jackson’s long pyjama pants as he ran downstairs, eager to see how the older male would act around him, if he’d be embarrassed, if he’d kiss BamBam passionately like he had done in between his sheets only hours before.
BamBam blushed, frowning as he noticed the absence of people in Jackson’s house. There was no sign of anyone, not even Jackson.
The makeshift bed Jaebum and Youngjae had been tangled up in together was folded neatly ready to go back upstairs.
The couch Mark and Jinyoung had slept on was vacant and looked as though no one had slept on it at all. There was no one here.
BamBam was just about to shout when he heard it. A hushed whisper.
He frowned, moving towards the porch where the front door was. He moved slowly, trying not to make any noise.
He turned the corner, smile on his lips as he caught a whisper spoken in Jackson’s voice.
He stopped. Heart in his mouth as he watched the scene before him unfold.
He felt his soul leave his body, his heart break and stop inside his chest, and his knees turn weak. Tears were already streaming uncontrollably down his cheeks as he felt out pained whimpers.
There Jackson stood. Lip locked with some gorgeous red headed female.
BamBam felt every last piece of himself shatter.
Yes I’m evil.
OTL
I warned you.
Please please forgive me; the next chapter is the last chapter. Coming soon~
Just… trust me ‘kay?
Thank you for all your support, please comment and let me know your thoughts<3
(Please no death threats towards me or Jackson<3 LMAO.)
I promise he's really a good guy, just wait for it...
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