Pairing:  JackBam

Song: ‘Style’ – Taylor Swift

Created: 12/2/15

Finished: 17/2/15

Word count: 2,623

He had been in BamBam’s life since the day he was born, Jackson, the Wang’s youngest son. They had been close family friends to the Bhuwakul family since their move to Korea.

Him and Jackson had grown up together, childhood friends turned brothers.

Some if not all of BamBam’s earliest memories were of Jackson, his chubby cheeks and kind eyes, his gentle hands and cackling laughter as he and BamBam used to play with each other. Bittersweet memories that BamBam would never forget, and could never forget even if he tried. They were his treasures.

Jackson teaching him how to ride a skateboard, and plastering his knees the first time he fell off. Jackson teaching him how to make Chinese dishes in his family kitchen, laughing so much they cried as they almost set the kitchen on fire. Jackson coaching him how to ask a girl out, hugging him so tightly when BamBam said he wasn’t interested in girls.

Everything was Jackson, his past, his present, and what he hoped was his future. Jackson was BamBam’s first and only love and he had been since BamBam was eleven.

Seven years and counting.

Jackson was BamBam’s first kiss.

BamBam still remembered it even to this day. The taste, the feelings that flowed through his entire body and soul never fading.

It was reckless and rushed; it was unthought-of and just pure instinct.

And stupidly BamBam wouldn’t have had his first kiss with Jackson any other way.

Jackson smashed their mouths together, his lips hungrily slipping over BamBam’s as though he needed to be quick in case the younger male pulled away.

His hand locked into BamBam’s hair his fingers tugging the strands. He BamBam’s soft bottom lip with his wet tongue but made no attempt to enter the younger’s cavern.

And BamBam was just so breathless and shocked, trying to keep up with the clearly experienced older man. His trembling hands clenched at his sides as his body seemed to heat up uncomfortably.

He was starting to enjoy the sensation, kissing back with effort, the only man he had ever wanted devouring him just like he had imagined so many times. Though the real thing was so different and so much better than what BamBam had always envisioned.

Then suddenly the heated touch was gone, ripped away as BamBam was left stuttering for breath. He watched as so many emotions crossed Jackson’s handsome face, and his heart seemed to scream inside his chest as the emotion that burned brightly in Jackson’s eyes was the one thing he never wanted to see.

Regret.

Jackson stared at BamBam his eyes sad and mouth open to release his rapid shaking breaths. He moved away until his back hit the kitchen counter, as far away from BamBam across the small kitchen as possible.

BamBam could feel himself crumbling, the wall around him crashing to the ground as Jackson turned his eyes away from him.

“I-I’m sorry Bam… I’m so sorry.” He whispered, his usually handsome and confident voice quivering with emotion. And again regret.

Don’t say that… Don’t apologise for giving me the one thing I’ve always wanted.

BamBam tried to voice his thoughts, but his throat seemed to close up. He opened and closed his mouth trying to will words out.

 Just say something!

“Jackson hyung…” He whispered softly, worried the older hadn’t heard him, but he watched the older man wince and knew that he had.

“I can’t do this. This is a mistake. I’m sorry I can’t do this.” Jackson muttered mostly to himself, not even realising he was speaking out loud. And had he looked up he would have seen the tears already falling down BamBam’s face.

He left the room quickly and turned away from BamBam.

Taking both of their hearts with him as he did.

BamBam collapsed to his knees, unbelieving that his happiness had been given and taken so quickly.

He stayed there until a very flustered Jinyoung had found him, holding him close and rocking him until his sobs grew quiet and eventually his tears ran dry.

BamBam didn’t tell Jinyoung the cause of his sadness, but he was almost certain by the knowing glint in Jinyoung’s eye that the older male knew the reason.

That was when BamBam was fifteen and Jackson was eighteen, at Jaebum’s birthday gathering. Their first and only kiss that BamBam simultaneously loved and hated.

That was one of the many times Jackson unknowingly chipped away a small shard of BamBam’s heart; though it was the first time BamBam truly experienced the feeling of true heartache.

BamBam had been with the older man so long he didn’t really know how to be without him, he didn’t know who he was without him and he didn’t want to learn what person he would be without Jackson. He didn’t want to think of a future without Jackson in it.

But BamBam was starting to think that maybe a future without his precious hyung was the only way for him to survive.

BamBam honestly didn’t know what had happened to them. Him and Jackson.

But he did know that his love for Jackson was killing him.

“What do you mean you haven’t heard from him? I thought you knew… he’s going out with some girl he met… Didn’t he tell you that?”

BamBam rested his head back against his head board, his knees to his chest and arms wrapped tightly around them. Mark’s words ringing in his head as they had been since the older male had muttered them.

He was finally starting to calm down, the trails from his tears drying on his cheeks. He sighed for the millionth time squeezing his tear filled eyes closed and washing away all thought.

He looked down to his side as the watched his phone light up, he sighed as he stared at it not really seeing who it was from due to his still tear blurred eyes. He unwound an arm from around himself and bought the small device closer to read the message.

Get ready I’ll be outside your house in 5 minutes

How vague.

BamBam ground his teeth together his tears falling again as he squeezed his eyes shut, he moved to stand up, his body on autopilot.

He should just text back no, tell the other to leave him the alone like he deserves… But what can BamBam do? He still loves that idiot after all.

He pulls on a thick cable sweater, after pulling it on gripping his hands in his hair tightly to try and hold the shattered pieces of himself together. Running them to his eyes and taking deep breaths he wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands, his salted tears wetting his skin.

He took another deep breath throwing his phone to his bed and heading out the room. He walked absently through his empty house, the darkness not at all fazing him like it usually would.

He stood by the large window in his living room, eyes vacant as he watched out for car headlights. His right hand resting over his stomach and wrapping around his elbow to try and hold what was left of himself together.

His eyes moved away from the floor as his lone figure became illuminated by the lights outside. BamBam stood there, knowing the other man wouldn’t leave the car; that he would wait for BamBam to get in the car himself.

BamBam should just tell him to leave because he knows how this ends. He knows where this leads. He becomes even more shattered and broken and the older man drives away chip free.

He hated it. He hated how much power he had over him, how much he loved him, so much so that he would do anything he asked of him.

BamBam hated himself for it, his stupid weakness.

But he loved him, and he would never do anything to hurt Jackson; even though the elder continuously hurt him.

He turned to the front door opening and closing it soullessly as the distance between him and Jackson grew uncomfortably smaller. He locked his door and slid the keys into his jeans pocket, turning and keeping his eyes on the floor as he slipped inside the car. BamBam could tell Jackson wasn’t even looking at him as he reversed the car and took off to nowhere.

No words were spoken between them. Usually BamBam would be uncomfortable with the silence; he was never one to endure no talking.

Jackson was just the same; having to fill the silence somehow.

But things were different now, the atmosphere between them strange.

BamBam watched the dark road as it was illuminated by the bright headlights of the car, his mind not really thinking of anything as he took in the familiar roads around his home. He felt numb all over and he hated it.

He didn’t look at Jackson, and the elder didn’t look at him. Almost like they were playing some sick game to see who would break first; whose emotions would explode before the other.

BamBam wouldn’t lose. Not this time.

It wasn’t until about ten or so minutes into the silent drive that Jackson broke first, at any other time BamBam would have been surprised, the stubborn Jackson Wang giving up first. But he couldn’t feel a single ounce of emotion at the moment.

“What’s going on BamBam?” Jackson questioned his voice serious and authoritive; which was not like Jackson at all.

BamBam stifled a sarcastic laugh.

“You’re asking me that?” BamBam bit back, suddenly feeling anger boil fiercely beneath his skin.

“Excuse me?” Shock coloured Jackson’s voice his eyes growing wide, surprised at BamBam’s sharp tone. BamBam never spoke to him like that.

“It’s been a while since I’ve even heard from you.” BamBam practically growled out between his clenched teeth. Anger running through him unstoppably, he tried to calm himself down focusing on the greenery flashing by the car window.

“Mook…” Jackson whispered voice soft.

Don’t call me that. Don’t you dare.

BamBam tensed at the nickname, feeling his heart clench painfully in his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut feeling himself slip back into usual habits for a fraction of a second, wanting nothing more than to turn and look at Jackson; but that urge disappeared as quickly as it came.

“I heard you’ve been hanging around with some girl.”

“Mook… I can explain-“

“I don’t want to hear it.” BamBam whispers cutting Jackson off. Closing his eyes and balling his hands into fists on his lap.

“Mook, just listen to me-“

“Listen to what Jackson? Listen to you giving me excuses for why you’ve been ignoring me for 3 months? You expect me to sit here and listen to you lie to my face about why you’ve cut me out of your life? I know the truth I don’t need your bull!” BamBam snapped, his entire body quaking in anger. His breathing was harsh as his eyes glared daggers into the road ahead of him.

A long silence dragged between them. BamBam trying desperately to pull away from the urge to just leave the car and walk home and Jackson swallowing down his guilt, not at all bothered by BamBam’s language or sudden drop of formalities.

“Mook… it’s not that simple.” Jackson sighed his hands gripping tighter around the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white.

BamBam released a humourless laugh and Jackson flinched.

“Sure it isn’t. I wouldn’t understand right? What’s not to understand, you got yourself some more trashy arm candy. Surprise sur-ing-prise. Let me guess, she’s telling you to ignore your friends and you can’t say no because you ‘really like this one’. Oh wait that isn’t true is it, because you’re still talking to everyone else, so it’s just me you’re ing around with. But that isn’t new is it?” BamBam shouted, barely allowing himself to breathe as the words came out unfiltered. He knew he’d regret this. He would regret it so much because he knew he was hurting Jackson.

But he couldn’t do it anymore.

He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as his shouts echoed around the silent car.

Jackson’s eyes shined with his own tears as BamBam’s words hit him hard. He swallowed his sobs down and tried again.

“Mook, please-“

“No Jackson. Don’t worry I understand. Who the hell does she think she is to tell you who you can and can’t see? The Jackson I know would never let that happen... You’ve been together 3 months not 3 ing years! Why the hell is it just me Jackson? Is it fun, do you enjoying hurting me? I’m starting to think you do because that’s all I seem to get from you anymore, heartache.

“I’ve known you all my life Jackson, all I do is care for you and all you do is throw it back in my face! I’ve always been here and you throw me away whenever you find someone to cling to your arm! I’m sick of it! Stop dropping me and picking me up again! Either ignore me or don’t, stop ing around with me Jackson I can’t do it anymore!” BamBam cried his tears falling.

The last string inside him snapped, and at that moment, he honestly didn’t care if he never saw Jackson again.

Maybe he could live his life well without Jackson Wang, without that perfectly dense, sweet, stupid man.

BamBam didn’t bother wiping his tears, knowing they wouldn’t stop. “Take me home.” He whispered resting his head against the window and closing his eyes, praying that he’d be home soon so he could lock himself in his room to be alone with his sadness and guilt.

He heard Jackson release a shaky breath, ignoring the fact that he knew the older man was crying. One look and BamBam would fall straight back to the ground, fall straight back into Jackson. He’d take back everything he said and apologise over and over until Jackson held him.

Not this time.

BamBam refused to apologise for the truth, he had been holding on to his hurt for too long. It was about time Jackson stopped being so dense and listened to him for once.

The car stopped and without opening his eyes he opened the car door, sliding out of the seat.

Jackson’s strong hand wrapped around his wrist and a different kind of fire ran through BamBam’s veins as the air was knocked out of his lungs. His wrist tingled with warmth, the all too familiar electric current running through his entire body as Jackson touched him.

His tears flowed faster, so close to turning around and looking at the older man. He was fighting himself, deciding if Jackson deserved it, if he could betray himself, if he could pick himself up from another fall.

Jackson spoke through the silence pulling him away from his battling thoughts.

“Kunpimook…  I don’t want to lose you…” He whispered shakily, his hand tightening slightly around the younger male’s wrist; as if trying to keep him there for as long as possible.

BamBam swallowed down his words, the words he desperately wanted to say: ‘You’ll never lose me.’

He pulled his hand from Jackson’s grasp, walking from the car and to his front door as quickly as his stiff body would allow. He unlocked the door and slammed it, his back against the wood as he slid down it. He finally let out his cries in the empty house, crying harder as he heard his screams echoing back to him.

If there was a way to stop loving him I would. If there was a way to end this hurt I’d do it.

Chapter 1 done!

Don't worry you guys there is more to come, this is just kind of a taster if you like... and I just wanted to get something up for you asap!

Unhappy JackBam right now and a bit more to come. I apologise for any mistakes or if it’s confusing lmao

            I’m trying really hard to get my 2^nd chapter up in the next few days, but I’m really ill right now and tbh I’m having extreme trouble writing my ideas down… and connecting them all together if that makes sense. Basically whatever it is that’s wrong with me is mixing my brain up OTL

            I just want to say wow thank you so so much, the amount of subbers that I got on this already without any chapters… I’m so grateful! You guys are awesome I really appreciate your time and your interest in my story.

I really hope it doesn’t and you enjoy it omg so much pressure ;)

I got more subs on ‘U Got Me’ too, so again if you’ve come from there (Extra) love to you guys.<3

            Please let me know your thoughts, thank you all <3