Sora didn’t hear from Jongdae for several days after that. She tried to forget about what had happened, but the memory was forever ingrained in her heart.

She had liked for Jongdae for a long time, and she would be lying if she’d never thought about being intimate with him. There had been many nights where she’d thought about it, about what it would be like to have his hands on her, to feel his lips in her most intimate of places.

But always in her fantasies, the intimacy would come after some sort of declaration of love, a promise of a future together or something. In real life, it had happened as a matter of convenience: Jongdae had been drunk and , probably missing his girlfriend, and Sora had been the only girl around to satiate him.

She felt hurt that Jongdae had used her in that way. They had been friends for such a long time, and it was painful to think that he could throw her away as easily as this, for something so stupid.

On top of that, she also felt a sort of terrible loss. A loss of innocence and childhood, perhaps. She had been a when she’d gone into Jongdae’s bedroom, and now she was not. It wasn’t that she’d had any sort of special attachment to her ity, but she’d wanted to give it away under her own conditions, not someone else’s. She had never imagined that her first time would be like that, and she mourned the loss of the innocence she hadn’t known she still relied on.

But more than anything, Sora felt guilty. She felt guilty because she knew that this wasn’t all Jongdae’s fault. She could have stopped him. He had even asked her, and she knew that if she’d told him to stop, he would have. Jongdae would never have forced himself on her. So she wallowed in the knowledge that she had not only let this happen, but also encouraged it by telling him not to stop. And a small part of her had actually liked what he’d done to her. Even if it had been all wrong, she had liked the way he’d made her feel so full, so tingly and airborne.

But Jongdae had a girlfriend already, and Sora had done one of the lowest things a woman could do to another. She had made him a cheater, and it broke her heart.

“What’s up with you?” Amber asked one afternoon. It was about a week after Jongdae’s party, and the two of them were out shopping with Krystal and their friend Minseok, who always got dragged along on their shopping adventures even though he hated shopping. “You’ve been quiet.”

“Ah, nothing,” Sora lied quickly, forcing a little smile. “Just tired, that’s all.”

“Maybe we should head back soon?” Minseok suggested eagerly. He was carrying four of Krystal’s shopping bags loaded down with her purchases, and he definitely looked like he was ready to leave. Sora never understood why he even agreed to go shopping with them in the first place.

Krystal, who usually wouldn’t call it quits on a shopping excursion until she had no more money to spend, glanced at Sora and agreed. “Yeah, let’s. I’m getting tired, too.”

They were walking back to the subway station when Sora’s cell phone went off. She checked the caller ID and felt her heart catch in . Nosy Krystal peered over her shoulder, saw who it was, and grinned.

“Ooh, Jongdae!” she teased. “You better answer it!”

Sora had no choice but to answer the call. Her friends would get infinitely suspicious if she ignored it. She took a deep breath and tried for all the world to sound normal. “Hey, Sora. It’s me.” He sounded like he was dreading this conversation as much as she was.

She swallowed again and forced herself to sound bright for the sake of her friends eavesdropping on her side of the conversation. “Hi. What’s up?”

“About the other night,” he began wearily, and she could only imagine how upset he must be at having to make this call.

“It’s okay,” she assured him quickly, not wanting him to say any of it aloud. “Just forget about it. It never happened.”

Jongdae hesitated. “Sora,” he tried again, but once more she cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it,” she insisted. “Listen, I’m out shopping with my friends, so I can’t really talk. I’ll see you later.” And she hung up without giving him a chance to respond.

“What was that all about?” Minseok asked suspiciously.

Sora wrinkled her nose at him. “None of your damn business. You don’t look like you’ve got enough to carry. Here, hold my bags too.” And that promptly shut Minseok up.

Sora waited until she was safely back in her bedroom to call Jongdae back. Both of her parents were out, and Dami was in her bedroom, so it wasn’t likely that she would be overheard. She took a deep breath and dialed Jongdae’s number.

He picked up after only the second ring. “Hey, Sora.”

“Hi,” she replied, wiping her sweaty palm on her pants. “Sorry I was so short earlier. I was out shopping and it was so busy and loud that I couldn’t really talk.”

Jongdae hesitated. “Did you tell your friends about…what happened?”

“No,” she answered honestly. “I haven’t told anyone.”

A long, uncomfortable silence fell between them.

Eventually Jongdae sighed. “I’m so sorry, Sora. That never should have happened. I-I was so drunk and I just…I’m so sorry.” He sounded really anguished about it. “And what am I going to tell Mikyung?”

“Mikyung?” Sora repeated.

“My girlfriend,” Jongdae moaned. “I can’t believe I cheated on her. This would kill her, you know.”

There were tears pricking Sora’s eyes but she forced her voice to stay steady. “Don’t tell her anything,” she suggested. “Let’s just pretend like it never happened, okay? We were both drunk and it was a bad decision. It never happened.”

Jongdae took several deep, calming breaths. “Are you okay?” he finally asked. “I didn’t…I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Oh yes, he had hurt her. He had hurt her in more ways than she could count. But she didn’t tell him this. Instead she forced herself to sound bright. “No, you didn’t hurt me. I’m fine. I promise.” Oh, what a lie.

Jongdae seemed relieved to hear it, though. “Thank god,” he said. “I couldn’t remember much about it, to be honest, and I was afraid I had…” He didn’t finish his sentence. He took another deep breath. “So…friends?”

“Yeah, friends,” Sora agreed, even though it was the last thing she wanted to be with him at the moment.

It seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off Jongdae’s shoulders and been added to Sora’s. “Great,” he said, sounding happy. “Alright, I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you later, Sora! Thanks for being so cool about all this.”

She mumbled a weak goodbye and hung up. Then she promptly buried her face in her pillow and screamed until she was sure was bleeding.

When she finally came up for air, she found Dami standing in her doorway, arms crossed, eyebrow quirked in silent question.

“Sorry,” Sora mumbled, and indeed her voice came out hoarse and cracked. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“Don’t worry about apologies,” Dami said impatiently. “Are you okay?”

Sora barked out a little laugh. “I’m fine,” she said. It was a lie now, but it wouldn’t be in a few days. It hurt, but eventually she’d get back to normal and life would go on. It would be just like she had suggested to Jongdae: it had never happened.

Dami didn’t seem to believe her, but she also knew when to not push her sister. “Well, if you say so. And if you ever need to talk, you know, I’m here.”

Sora laughed. “You sound like mom now.”

Dami smiled. “I’m no psychiatrist, but sometimes it helps just to have someone to listen who’s not going to label all your problems.” She gave Sora another smile and left.

Sora sighed and flopped back down against my pillow, face-up this time. She just had to put this behind her. She had to forget about it. She had to pretend like it had never happened.