Jia-li stared at the white walls of the room, stared at the white blinds partially concealing the window, stared at everything until it all blended together into white nothingness and her head swum with dizziness. The tangy copper taste against her tongue reminded her of teeth biting tightly against her inner cheek, reminded her of exactly why she was standing there and she tried to focus back on the only other person in the room.

Yixing remained silent and unmoving seated at her side, head bowed down and eyes closed. The silence that hung between them pressed against Jia-li’s heart in a dull, aching pressure as the seconds slipped by and ticked into long minutes. The words ran through her mind, a myriad of conflicted emotions which twisted and contorted around her vocal cords, seizing her breath as the words died against the tip of her tongue. She feared of breathing too loud, lest she disturb the other, and unleashes the torrent she knew he carefully harbored in his heart.

Time was forgotten as she caught a flicker of movement in him, her brown eyes following the rise of Yixing's head as he lifted it, his beautiful eyes opening to rest upon her figure.

Jia-li looked away. She didn't want to see the pain reflecting in those eyes, and so she didn't see the hand sliding against hers until long, graceful pianist fingers were twining and wrapping with her own, a gentle reminder of the man's warmth and strength against her skin. Her breathing slowed as her eyes ghosted across their joined hands, and she swallowed against the rise of pain in .

Her ears caught the rattle of an exhaling breath not her own, and she reluctantly turned to face him, taking in the man's handsome profile as Yixing's gaze drifted towards the opposing wall, eyes wide and unfocused as he faded into his thoughts. Yixing's fingers were a solid heat against her pale, cold fingers, and she felt him flex against her hand once or twice before finally breaking the silence looming heavily between the two.

“Jia-li...” Yixing whispered the name, causing her to flinch slightly as the words drifted across the silence of the air. Yixing's jaw was set and taut, the inner muscles knotting tightly, a sign that the man was fighting an inner battle within himself. She watched silently as his eyes narrowed, a small crease marring the skin between his brows.

“Jia... Jia-li... I shouldn't have to be saying these words to you now.”

Yixing's breath hitched, and he paused, squeezing his eyes shut, his other hand rising to pinch his nose bridge tightly between the pads of his fingertips. After several deep, controlled breaths, Yixing's hand fell away, fingers curling into a tensed fist across his lap.

“All you ever had to do was look at me, Jia-li, and the world would fall away to nothing next to you. All you had to do was smile at me, and I would feel like the luckiest man in the world.”

Yixing's voice dropped in pitch as he shifted his weight forward, and Jia-li strained her hearing to catch his every word.

“We're both stubborn and headstrong as hell, and yet we're exactly what we need for each other. Or maybe the only ones that can tolerate each other for so long.”

Yixing's light chuckle made her skin tingle, and pulled the corners of her lips into a small, sad smile.

“Everything about you drives me wild, Jia-li. For better or for worse. Nothing sets me off as much as you do, and no one makes me step back and re-evaluate myself the way you do. Because of you, I want to be a better person: a better son, a better brother, a better friend, a better boyfriend, a better man.”

Yixing paused, taking a shuddering breath and Jia-li could feel his tremble through their still entwined hands.

“I look inside myself, and I see nothing but happiness. You've opened your heart to mine and shown me how to truly love someone. You've given me so much of yourself, and I'll never find the words to tell you how much I love you.”

Yixing leaned forward, his other hand brushing Jia-li's dark bangs out of her eyes. She felt a stinging sensation behind her eyes, her vision blurring as her eyes misted over, blinking away the unwanted liquid. The dull ache in her chest was intensifying and spreading outward, rippling chills down her body.

Yixing's thumb began to the skin on the back of her hand, a languid, idle caress that belies the darkness shadowing his soul. She can almost see the dread clawing at him, slicing deep into his core and slowly tearing his being apart.

“Jia-li... how have we come to this?”

Yixing's fingers tightened around hers in a silent plea. Jia-li remained rooted where she stood, hand lax against her boyfriend's palm.

‘I'm sorry, Yixing,’ she whispered, a lone tear sliding free from her eye, trailing down the hollow ridge of her cheek in a single, glimmering pathway.

His gaze never left her, and she felt the darkness of his eyes were that much more pronounced. A haunting pain surrounded him, his eyes bruised and so very desolate.

“Please Jia-li, please, stay…”

Jia-li lowered her head, her face concealed behind the ebony veil of her bangs. ‘I'm sorry.’ The words rose and dissipated into the empty air.

Yixing's eyes took on an unnatural luster, filling with emotion at her inaction. Tension flooded through his jaw as his eyes narrowing and rapidly blinking away the salty liquid that threatens to bring down his crumbling composure.

“Jia-li, please, please, stay..... Squeeze my hand, Jia-li. Do something to give me a sign that you’re not leaving. Please...”

Yixing pulled himself closer to her, an almost desperate manic in his actions. His fingers were warm around her own and he squeezed it again and again, hoping that she will reciprocate the act.  .

Jia-li didn't squeeze back.

“Jia-li...” Yixing's tears trailed down his cheeks in twin, crystal paths. “Please, I'm begging you, with everything that I am... If you love me as much as you say you do, then why are you doing this? Why are you not squeezing back? Why are you not coming back to me? Jia-li...

Yixing’s voice dropped lower, breaking at the end and seized with sobs. “You promised me we will be together forever. So why are you leaving? Please Jia-li, please stay...

“Please...”

Her eyes closed against the terrible agony present in his cracking voice, Jia-li no longer wishing to inflict the burden of Yixing's words against her battered heart. It was too much to bear, and she blocked away the world, praying to whatever higher power there was to end the suffering she has inflicted upon her beloved. The pain was in the air she breathed, pressing in on her from all sides until it was too difficult to inhale, and she felt like she was suffocating, drowning in the pain filling her lungs, her heart, her soul.

Jia-li finally opened her eyes, fingers brushing away the wetness clinging to her lashes. She turned her head to the left, taking note of the other presence in the room. Her eyes cautiously raked over the other's form, pale and drawn and so unnatural that it shocked her. Yixing was openly crying, calling out to her, but Jia-li could only focus on the other figure in the room, lying prone in the bed. The steady, monotonous beep of the heart monitor grated on her ears, the person attached to a ventilator, IV, and various other contraptions, and Jia-li’s heart sank as realization sinks in, eyes darkening with an unknown emotion as she stared at...

Herself.

It was indisputable, the proof lying right before her eyes, and yet, it was unreal. Jia-li can see her own body, frail and disappearing into the whiteness of the room, and yet, it was still unreal. Staring at herself, she can hardly recognize who she saw. Yixing was crying beside her body, clenching her unresponsive hand tightly in his own, the occasional murmur of her name slipping through his pained moans.

Jia-li stepped closer to them, raising her own hands to her line of sight, observing their corporeal, translucent form. And the harsh truth slapped her in the face, and her heart ached with the pain she was causing her boyfriend.

'I'm so sorry Yixing... I never meant to do this to you...'

“Jia-li...”

‘Yixing...’

“Jia-li, please, don't go, I'm begging you, don't go! I'm not ready, I'll n-never be ready... I love you Jia-li, so much, please don't leave me... Jia-li...”

Jia-li watched as the man she loved with all her heart finally breaks, sobs wracking painfully from his body as he leaned his head against their intertwined hands, his hot tears damp against their skin. She felt the ghost of a sensation across the back of her own hand, and she moved towards the broken man, wrapping intangible arms around Yixing's trembling shoulders, pressing her head into the crook of the man's neck, tears falling against his skin that he will never feel.

‘Oh, Yixing... how can I stay when I'm already gone?’