Part 2/2

His fear however comes true one day.

He is late for practice since he has to finish a project but when he arrives at the field, it’s empty. It doesn’t settle well with him because s are not the kind to miss practice – they practically live on soccer. The knot on his stomach tightens as he sees no sign of Sungjong at the bench either.

His heart hammering, he gallops towards the changing room, his stomach sinking lower and lower until it drops completely when he finds Sungjong on the floor of the room, blood gushing out of his nose, one of his eyes blackened and his face bruised.

Blood rushes to his head the moment the sight meets his eyes. The room is empty otherwise, but it’s not the time to wonder where the others are. He quickly opens the first-aid box, taking a wad of cotton to plug the bleeding from his nose. Sungjong tries to smile at him weakly but he is too busy, cleaning the bruises on his face, applying antiseptic, while holding an ice pack to the purple bump on his forehead. All the while, Sungjong sits very still; at one point, he doubles over and he has to help him to the bathroom, where he throws up.

“You should see a doctor,” he says worriedly as he half carries him back to the changing room and helps him onto the bench.

“I’ll be fine,” Sungjong reassures him and smiles again.

His face is barely recognizable under all the bruises, discolorations, ice pack, and bandages. Leo’s heart constricts painfully – is this his fault? He shouldn’t have let Sungjong in the team. Why did he stay back for the project today, knowing the younger would be at the mercy of the rest of his team?

I’m so stupid, he got hurt because of me.

“It’s not your fault, you know. It was bound to happen someday.”

Sungjong surprises him – it’s almost as if he read his mind. This is actually not new, he used to do it before. Leo doesn’t speak much or express emotions freely so it’s difficult to know what’s on his mind; that’s what he thought, until he met Sungjong. Somehow, he’s transparent to the younger, like an open book. It was strange at first, hearing Sungjong speak his thoughts exactly, but he got used to it. He’d grown comfortable with the natural chemistry between them, his ability to communicate almost everything wordlessly to the younger. But he hadn’t expected it to be intact after all this time.

“Did you-”

“I promise I didn’t provoke them this time, I swear,” Sungjong said, pouting. “I’m making an effort after – after what you said,” he murmurs, fixing his gaze on the empty lockers in front of him.

Sighing, Leo closes the lid of the first-aid box. It is true, he’s seen that the younger tries to hold back these days. He thought that the situation had gotten better, that his team members and Sungjong were almost getting along – at least they were ignoring each other. So it doesn’t make sense why they would beat him up at the first opportunity they get.

“Hakyeon doesn’t seem to like me very much,” Sungjong offers, laughing slightly. “Or should I say he hates my guts?”

Of course, Hakyeon…

After his friend’s sudden confession, he had expected everything to go back to normal, but he has probably been oblivious. The reason for attacking Sungjong now became clearer.

So it is my fault.

Sungjong’s holding up the ice pack to his forehead himself now, staring at the floor. It’s oddly quiet – Leo’s used to the bustling of his team in the changing room. Now it’s just the two of them and it’s awkward; which is weird because they spent so many afternoons together before.

They met at an afterschool club. As the only two people to have signed up for the book club last year, they saw each other in the room where their afterschool activity was supposed to take place. The teacher in charge was nowhere to be seen when Sungjong had walked in on Leo, who had his head buried in a book. He was never the social type and the only reason he had lots of friends was because he was the Captain of the soccer team. At first, he ignored Sungjong, turning a page of his book lazily and after some hesitation, the younger had taken a seat beside him.

“Hi, I’m a first year, Lee Sungjong,” he had said, his voice soft as snow.

Something about his voice sent his insides tingling and he had looked up. His face matched his voice, a certain kind of ethereal aura about him. It was like watching a hauntingly beautiful painting or a desperately heart-wrenching film. It took him a few minutes to recover while he pretended to read his book but honestly, he was having trouble putting two characters together.

When he hadn’t responded, Sungjong had started talking about the books he had read recently, not caring about the fact that Leo’s eyes were still glued to the book and there was no indication that he was listening to him.

Leo was introverted by choice – he found no enjoyment in company except when he was playing soccer with his team. He’s never felt the need to communicate with anyone or form any kind of bond. People said that he looked intimidating and even though he hadn’t meant it to be that way, he is glad in a way because it means less people would actually approach him.

But for some reason, it never stopped Sungjong. When he asked him about it later, Sungjong looked genuinely confused and assured him that he didn’t look intimidating in the least bit.

“I mean you joined the book club, so I supposed that you wanted to read and not talk. But that doesn’t mean you’re unfriendly.”

When he asked Sungjong why he had joined the book club, the younger had sheepishly replied that he didn’t want do anything during the compulsory afterschool activity so book club sounded like the best idea. Indeed, in the one year that they belonged to the club, he’s never seen him reading anything. In fact, he rarely reads his textbooks.

He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he let Sungjong in, or the exact moment he fell for him, hard and complete. He can barely remember when his disregard turned to absolute admiration or when he actually started replying to the endless monologues the younger used to carry out.

But one day, one morning, he woke up to an explosion of bubbles in his stomach and the flutter of butterfly wings and he knew Sungjong’s the one who made him feel that way.

It was strange how Sungjong never really gave up on him. He would find him during break time at the library, or after school, or whenever he had free time and start a fluent explanation of the silliest things that happened. He would then proceed to ask him deep questions, like how real life is different from high school. When Leo wouldn’t say anything, he would just start replying to himself. Never had he the heart to break it to the younger that his endless tirade was a little less than amusing. As for the smile on his lips and the light in his eyes - he never got tired of those.

And then one day, the younger finally complained, “You never talk. It’s like you’re saving your words for someone.”

Maybe that was true, or maybe he was afraid that if he started to speak, Sungjong would stop, and that silence would be unbearable for him. Or maybe words couldn’t describe his feelings.

Maybe because Sungjong’s words came too easy, he’d taken it for granted and never realized that he would miss them so much one day.

Between the two of them, Sungjong was always the one with words and Leo was the one with emptiness that his words had filled.

“Captain?”

‘Don’t call me that.”

“Leo hyung?”

Leo is the nickname he’d given himself when he started high school. There was no special reason, he liked the name more than his real name – Jung Taekwoon. In a way, Leo made him seem mysterious, unreachable. Sungjong liked Leo too, but for completely different reasons. He thought Leo represented another person, a person Taekwoon wanted to be but wasn’t sure exactly how. The first time he heard this explanation, he was amazed; he’s never thought about it that way. There are some parts of Sungjong he never understood.

Sungjong pokes him softly on the arm, which makes him turn his head towards him. He looks pale, but his eyes are bright.

“I miss you.”

The words, the words – not just the words but the way he says them… every word that falls from his pretty lips lodges somewhere in his airway, making him unable to breathe. There’s a rising tide inside him and his bones feel weak against the torrents. Once again, he has done it. He’s said what Leo wanted to say all this time. Sungjong makes it seem so easy.

His breathing grows erratic for reasons he doesn’t completely understand. To add to that, Sungjong gently rests his head on his shoulder. Without realizing it, his shoulders tense up and his breath feels like a lump in his throat. He feels helpless in the situation, like he’s unfairly trapped against a wall with no escape.

“I liked spending time together, just the two of us. And you helped me with my homework too. Now I don’t have anyone who laughs at my jokes.”

It’s not fair. Sungjong makes it seem like he’s the only one who’s suffered. He’s lost a friend, where Leo lost the only person he’d made space for in his cold, barren heart.

For some reason, the day he confessed to the younger comes to his mind – it’d taken him every bit of will to finally tell him how he really felt about him. He was desperate, and he felt that he was being unfair to Sungjong by hiding his feelings for him. Every moment they spent together was a lot more meaningful for him without Sungjong knowing it.

“I love you,” he’d blurted out to the unsuspecting younger, and at that exact moment, he’d realized how much he actually loved him. It’s not until he said it out loud did he realize how much it meant to him. He was ready to get on his knees and commit his life to the beautiful boy in front of him at that moment, but before he could do anything or say another word or explain himself, Sungjong’s face said it all.

They would never walk hand in hand, or kiss with the sunset leaning on their shoulders, or whisper to each other at the dead of the night, arms around each other. In the fraction of a second, doors slammed shut to all the happy places in his mind. For one moment, he had hoped, dreamed …

It’s okay, it’s alright. I expected too much.

Things turned awkward quickly, or maybe it was just him. He couldn’t look at Sungjong anymore, and the younger took the hint that it was time to find new friends. He’s dealt with disappointment before but he didn’t know how to counteract the double blow of losing Sungjong as a friend and something more.

The soccer team, who’s known about his crush on Sungjong and about it frequently, noticed the change in him. Finally, he had to reveal the truth to them, and it made them furious. They wanted to take revenge on Sungjong for breaking his heart but he gave them strict orders not to go near the boy. Even then, he heard news of fights between Sungjong and some of his team members. When asked, the team members would vehemently deny that the confrontations had anything to do with him. They would insist that the fights and arguments were based on other things Sungjong had done to piss them off.

There was nothing he can do about it because he’s well aware that Sungjong can be cheeky and he almost never backs down from an argument. He wanted to protect Sungjong, but he couldn’t do so without getting closer to him. And that is something he couldn’t afford

Yet, here they are, sitting side by side, all by themselves, in a gradually darkening room as the sun is about to set. Without warning, Sungjong grips his fingers with his warmer ones. Leo’s heart churns with longing. He is good at controlling emotions; there are times when he makes himself so numb that he can’t feel anything. But right now, Sungjong is a bit too close, his breath is hot on his cheek, his touch paralyzing, the last twinkle of daylight through the window is a little too wrong. This situation is a bit out of control.

He’s sitting beside this beautiful boy, and he loves him so much. His fingers are in the hand of this beautiful boy, who says he misses him. But this is as far as they go. He desperately wishes he could go back to when they were just friends, so that when he looks back at this moment years later, he could think of him as just a friend. But he has been to a place from where no one returns – they have been somewhere, and it just won’t do to pretend it was nothing. He cannot just go back to being friends with Sungjong, caring for him like he’s not greedy or selfish at all, like he doesn’t want more from him. 

“Hyung, do you hate me now?”

It takes two seconds for the words to register in his mind.

“How can I?” is all he says, because really, how can he? In what world would that be possible? He can’t even stop thinking about him for one minute, because he is such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

“Then why do like to be away from me? You don’t even look at me properly.” His voice is half accusing, half desperate and it doesn’t make it easier for Leo. Why is he asking such stupid questions – hasn’t he given him the answers already?

Taking a deep breath, he parts his lips. “I hoped we would meet somewhere one day, when we’re older, wiser. One day, when I’ll be right for you, and you’d say you love me.” He’s never been capable of this much eloquence; he wonders where the words are coming from. Is he just desperate? Or is he tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt when it does, so much. Maybe he just wants Sungjong to know that no one, no one, has replaced him in his life.

He doesn’t dare look at the younger – it’s too soon for another rejection. He’ll pretend this never happened, that he didn’t just say the words that make it very clear how desperately in love he is. With a half-hidden sigh, he gets to his feet awkwardly.

To his surprise, Sungjong’s hand grips around his wrist, stopping him from taking a step. His hand is soft around his wrist, soft and warm. His heart quivers like a coward (and he is one, he’s always been so afraid of falling in love). For a moment, his mind is completely fuzzy, in a state of delirium. Time slows down, as if trickling through a tightly closed tap, dripping. Sweat is dribbling down his forehead, even though his skin is as cold as ice.

“I’m sorry for hurting you hyung. But I realized that hurting you hurts me as well.”

What does that mean, what do those words mean?

Why is Sungjong saying things like these, that hurt him, make his heart flutter, and worst of all, give him hope?

“Explain,” is all he says in reply because right now, he’s finding it difficult to form the words. The emotions inside of him are blooming like a flower in his throat; it’s excruciating, waiting for the answer like this, his skin still touching Sungjong’s.

“I think I’m in love with you, hyung. You know how they say you don’t know the value of something until you lose it? I just didn’t know, until you were gone. And now I know.”

He wants to press his hands against his ears so that he doesn’t have to hear this – it’s just too good to be true, so much so, that it just can’t be. Is this a dream? Maybe he fell asleep in the changing room while tending to the younger? This is probably just his overactive imagination, painting the best case scenario for him in his mind.

With a rapidly beating heart, he turns his head slightly, daring to look at Sungjong. At the same moment, the younger lifts his eyes to catch his gaze. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful thing – they stare at each other for what feels like eternity, but it can’t be because it’s the reality, because Sungjong’s hand is still around his wrist and he can hear his frenzied heartbeats. It’s all happening too fast.

When the younger gets to his feet, without breaking eye contact, and approaches him, their eyes level with each other’s now, he panics.

How…what…why…

The knot in his gut tightens as he realizes Sungjong is only inches away from him, their faces so close that he can clearly see the mole on the younger’s nose, the nasty cuts on his cheeks, even count his eyelashes. Most importantly, the look in the junior’s eyes is nothing like any he has ever seen him wear. It’s intense, yes, but not intense like how he sometimes looks, which scares people. It’s intense in a highly attractive way, in a way that tells him that he’s not just playing but he actually understands…he understands more than high school crushes and puppy love now.

Leo thinks he might be getting drunk from the look in his eyes, not that he knows what it feels like to be drunk. And then, catching him completely off guard, Sungjong presses his lips onto his, his arms wrapping around his neck so that any space that remained between them disappeared.

His lips are like fluffy clouds, like caramel, like fresh cream, and a hundred other things that he loves. Surprisingly, it feels nothing like in his dreams.

Because this is real, this is really happening.

Once again he loses count of time and it seems like they kiss forever. It’s honestly not a great kiss, because it’s the first for both of them. But first kisses have a kind of undeniable charm and they are always sloppy. Maybe the sloppiness adds to the charm. It’s the first time your lips communicate with someone else’s and the two pairs reach an understanding…

When Sungjong moves back, he can see the faint red dusting his cheeks. He didn’t realize that during the kiss, he has placed his hands on the younger’s waist. He thinks if he should remove his hands but it feels like they are locked there and wouldn’t move even if he tried to move them. Sungjong doesn’t seem to mind as he smiles at him shyly, blinking a few times to collect his thoughts.

Clearing his throat, he says timidly, “I – I know that was very random and sudden but-”

“I liked it,” Leo finishes the sentence. Right now, his mind is completely blank and he can’t recall for the life of him what he was thinking about when he was sitting beside Sungjong, tending to his injuries. He can’t remember why he was hurt, or why he was sad, ever. It’s like his memories have been wiped clean and he’s starting all over again, like being reborn.

“You must think I’m stupid for not knowing before and jumping this confession on you…” Sungjong sighs, biting his lips helplessly. Leo can see the tears gathering in his eyes and the way his lips quake with uncertainty – he’s probably looking for words to apologise but at the same time he doesn’t want to be insensitive.

It’s okay, Sungjong, it’s alright now.

When he woke up this morning, he was expecting to have another ordinary day. The first thought he always has after waking up is that of Sungjong, but that’s such an everyday thing now that he’s accepted it. There was no indication whatsoever that something so life-altering would happen, no change in the way wind blew, no change in the angle of sunlight streaming in through the windows, nothing. It just goes to show you can never tell…

What he also didn’t know was that happiness could be achieved so easily, with a word, a kiss. Just having the right person beside you is enough to make you feel content.

Right now, he feels like the happiest person on earth.