I. Not Enough

“Dad? Dad! Yes, how are you? Oh, that’s wonderful news! You’ve heard? You’ve heard of my success? Thanks Dad. Can I talk to noona? What? She—”

Taeyeon… diagnosed… cancer… can’t live for long…

He wasn’t sure of the appropriate thing to say at that moment. He was Kim Jonghyun, Asia’s most popular celebrity, soloist singer and variety show host (of his own show, of course). Yet, at that particular moment he found himself dumbfounded, unable to voice out a single word.

“Jonghyun? Are you there?”

“Y-y-yes Dad, I’m here. I’m sorry Dad, I’ll—I’ll call you back. T-t-the line’s not working properly.” He stuttered lamely, dropping the phone on his lap.

He’d just returned to his hometown after a tour, so delighted to meet his family after so long. Over the years, he’d barely spoke to them, because he was so busy all the time, and only called once or twice a month, but that was about it.

And this time, he came home to realize his noona, who he’d adored and showered so much love on, was diagnosed with cancer. Not just an illness, but cancer. Everyone knew the devastating effects of cancer. The patient would suffer in pain for a long time, and some, even with treatment, would die.

Death. They say death is something that will come, but you shouldn’t be afraid of. As long as you live your life to the fullest and whatnots, your death won’t be one full of regret. Then there are people who say that death is a part of life, it’s a natural part of the cycle that goes on forever. And without death, the world wouldn’t be what it is today. Death is nothing you should be worried about. The pain of death that you feel isn’t half as much as the pain felt by the people you leave behind to experience.

She can’t die, he thought, not now, not so early in her life. She was barely twenty-four, and was a vocalist herself—a vocal teacher, that is. Not noona, not Taeyeon, not my sister. But no matter how hard he tried to tell himself, there was that voice in him that had already decided her fate, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Clutching his hand tightly around the steering wheel, he made a sharp left turn into the street of his house. He kept going back to the same question in his head, why can’t I do anything? He blamed himself, for not being able to visit them often enough. He blamed himself, for not being able to contact the family often enough. He blamed himself, for not asking to speak with her often enough. He blamed himself, for not appreciating his sister early enough.

****

II. Unexpected

Jonghyun and Taeyeon had only become a pair of loving siblings when they hit their twenties. Before that, they’d engaged in constant fights, and never did anything nice for each other. Besides the occasional ‘hellos’ as they passed each other down the halls, in school they wouldn't speak to each other at all. That was in their teen years, where Jonghyun was a studious class president, and Taeyeon was an intelligent, popular ‘A-lister’. They were from separate ‘groups’ all together, and even though they were siblings, most people didn’t think that way.

When they were younger, before the teen years, it was never so bad. Sure, they still had fights, but nothing as bad. They teased each other but still got along pretty well. Taeyeon looked out for Jonghyun, but he was a playful, mischievous and disobedient brother. It was kind of ironic, if you looked at it. You could say they almost switched personalities when they grew older.

After he graduated, however, Jonghyun had finally realized he couldn’t maintain a cold shoulder towards his sister anymore. He couldn’t take having a sister who wasn’t really a sister, and decided to be nicer. Nicer didn’t just mean saying more than ‘hellos’, nicer, now, meant treating her to full dinners and giving her surprises, more often than not, hugging and kissing her. Taeyeon found it strange when he suddenly became so warm, but got used to it and liked it.

Then came another hurdle, his career. He’d been training ever since he got into high school (but nobody knew that), and when he graduated from there he began his career. That’s when the complications began. He could not longer talk to his family; he had to go many places and stayed in a dorm. He became popular almost instantaneously because of his wonderful voice, but it took a few more years for him to become the most popular celebrity in Asia.

During those years, what Jonghyun didn’t know, of course, Taeyeon had developed cancer. She didn’t know herself, all she knew was that her body was acting up and she got tired and sick easily, something she wasn’t before. The doctor, when she went to check up, said it was merely fatigue. But then things got worse, and she went to a hospital to get herself fully checked.

She had cancer. Stage III cancer, which, in other words, was very close to the incurable stage. At this point of time, according to the doctor, the main goal was to treat it and prevent it from returning. When it reaches stage IV, in most cases, it cannot be cured.

No one had expected her ‘fatigue’ to actually turn out to be something so serious. Everyone was devastated when the news broke out. Someone so strong and gorgeous, to crumble into a weak and frail body… it seemed impossible. The doctor said that she would either survive the treatment or die in a very, very short time. Of course, he said to have mental preparations, because her body’s immunity was fairly low.

Taeyeon herself, however, was (as she appeared to be) completely unaffected by the news. She put up a strong front, and believed that everything would turn out all right, and if it wouldn’t… well, there wasn’t a ‘wouldn’t’ in her dictionary. She continued smiling, as if nothing had happened.

****

III .I Know

“Jonghyun-ah!”

His mother embraced him tightly, tears springing out of her eyes in joy.

“Mom… How have you been?”

Mrs. Kim smiled softly, letting go of him and leading him to the sofa of the living room. A chandelier was above them, dimly lighting up the area, and other warm yellow lights, making the room seem like it was glowing, supported it.

“You know, the usual. Your father has been doing well in his business, what with… Taeng’s illness… He can’t—oh look at me, I’m going off-topic again, aren’t I?”

She fumbled on her words, it was as if she lost them all of a sudden, and was tuned out from the world, her eyes far and distant. She sat in a very strange position, crossing and uncrossing her legs, unconsciously touching her fringe now and then. She looked flustered. Jonghyun had never seen her in such a state before, in his mind, his mother was always the calm and collected one, and she always knew what she was doing.

“Mom, are you—are you all right?”

“Honestly, Jonghyun-ah? I’m not all right at all. Your father’s never around anymore, Taeyeon, our only source of hope, is lying in the hospital with cancer for God knows what reason, and you… You rarely come home anymore. My family… My family’s falling apart!”

This time the tears that sprung out of her eyes were of complete helplessness, her delicate porcelain-like personality showing again. Before she’d become a successful woman of her age, before she married Jonghyun’s father, she was like a flower, so beautiful, yet so weak. She was constantly tired, and never spoke to anyone. She liked peace and quiet, and often told people to hush. An introvert, that’s what she was, but perhaps that was why he was drawn to her.

“Oh Mom, I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you, I—”

“No, it’s alright,” she whispered, wiping her tears with a tissue, “we’ll go visit your sister now, she’s been expecting you. Please don’t be upset, I don’t want the poor girl to—”

“I understand, Mom.” Jonghyun supported her as she stood slowly, her knees almost giving way if it had not been for his strong arms.

“Jonghyun, I’m so sorry that your visit is so... unpleasant… It is just… things have been happening and the whole household’s gone insane with worry.”

“I know, Mom, I know.”

He tried to comfort her and himself as well. There seemed to be no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel, no angel or saint to help him out of this spiralling pit of darkness that never seemed to end anywhere.

****

IV. Glad to Have You

“You go in first. I’ll speak to her after you’re done.”

He merely gave a small nod and smile before knocking on the door. A faint squeaky voice told him to ‘come on in’. He opened and closed the door slowly, appearing in front of the girl, examining her. She was bony and frail, as what he expected. Smaller than before, definitely, and it seemed as if she’d lost all fat on her arms and legs. Her cheeks were a little sunken in and her eyes had dark circles around them, like she hadn’t slept for days.

“Jonghyun-ah…”

Her voice, that sweet, honey-filled voice hadn’t changed. It was, fortunately, still full of her vibrancy. If you didn’t see what she looked like you wouldn’t have thought she was struck with such a disease. She broke into a smile, and he sat beside her by the bed.

“Noona, I missed you. I missed you a lot.”

His eyes brimmed with crystal-clear drops of salty water, instantly turning his eyes red. She reached over, kissing him lightly on the forehead, and then putting her bony arms around him.

“Aigoo, Jonghyun… Don’t cry. I’m sure your fans wouldn’t want that would they? Nation’s most handsome and charming singer, huh? I’ve heard a great deal about you.”

Always the kidder, Taeyeon was, even on her sickbed. She joked, laughed, and smiled, even in the midst of grieving for herself or others. She saw things the bright side, always. No matter what happened, her mind would direct her to the brighter path, and, as if she was immune to all the sadness, she’d be the one cheering everyone up.

“N-n-n-noona…”

His voice was muffled, reduced to somewhat like a child’s sobbing. He sobbed for a few more moments, with Taeyeon trying (but failing) to soothe him, then it escalated into full-blown cries. His body ceased to obey his mind, shaking violently, uncontrollably. He didn’t care if there were people watching, the sea of dark emotions clouding over his heart, pulling it down, choking him, making him feel like there wasn’t anything else he could do but let his tears out.

Again, a few more moments passed, not a word left Taeyeon’s pale lips. He stopped crying. It reduced to sobs once more. He felt drained and dry, the side of Taeyeon’s gown was wet, but he felt somewhat relieved.

“I’m sorry noona. I’m just really upset about this… That we didn’t spend enough time together before… you… got diagnosed with this…”

“I know, Jonghyun-ah… It’s horrible too you know? It’s been driving Mom and Dad crazy. They’re so depressed, even purple flowers—and you know how much I adore them—don’t cheer me up anymore!”

“Noona…”

“Oh Jonghyun, don’t start crying again. I can’t stand you crying, you know that.”

Jonghyun hiccupped and wiped his close-to-falling tears, trying to smile. She looked at him affectionately, patting a space on the bed next to her. He got up and sat down, facing the frail girl. Compared to him, she was like an anorexic teenager next to a built middle-aged man.

He breathed in and out slowly, heavily contradicting her quick and fast breaths. He cupped her face in his strong, supportive hands and kissed her cheek. To anyone else’s eyes they would’ve seemed like a sweet, romantic, yet bittersweet (because of the tragedy of Taeyeon) couple, but they simply loved each other very much in a noona-dongsaeng way.

Taeyeon sighed, hugging him and burying her head in his chest. He enveloped her, careful not to hurt her in any way. He wanted to be her bodyguard; he wanted to keep her in a box, away from the harsh reality of what life really was. And that meant illnesses, break-ups, anything you could think of that would hurt a person, he wanted to protect her from it. Yet he couldn’t, and that was the one thing that upset him the most.

“What am I going to do?” Her voice cracked at the last word, as if the realness of it all finally hit her.

“Noona…”

Jonghyun released her, putting his hands on her shoulders and giving her a serious gaze; though they both had to admit it wasn’t really serious because his eyes were red from all the crying and the drama before that.

“Listen, Taeyeon-ah, don’t worry about it okay? You’re going to be fine! You’re going to survive this! People survive cancer! We don’t need a miracle for a strong girl like you Taeyeon! You can do it! You just need to think positive, okay?”

“Perhaps you’re right… But anyway… Since you don’t want me to be negative… How are you? Asia’s most popular celebrity, huh? There must be lots of girls vying for your attention. They’d kill to be with you like this.”

She smirked, the mischievous glint in her eyes returning once more. Jonghyun relaxed from his tense position and smiled.

“As a matter of fact, yes! Yes there are many girls who’d like for me to kiss them on the cheek. You are one lucky girl.”

He tapped her nose, chuckling softly.

“I know… I’m glad to have you as my brother.” She rubbed her eyes, yawning widely.

“Time for this lucky girl to sleep, don’t you think?”

Taeyeon nodded. He tucked her in, pulling the covers over to her shoulders. He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. And for the first time that day, he saw her signature grin. She’ll be fine, he thought, and left the room as she nestled into a comfortable position.

****

V. I Trust You

“Mom! Oh I forgot you wanted to see—”

“It’s alright, Jonghyun. You spoke to her because you needed to. Now run along to rest, I’ll stay with her for the night.”

“No, you go, I’ll stay. I want to watch over her for the night. Plus, Mom, you have eye bags. A lovely woman like you shouldn’t have eye bags.”

“Oh alright. You’ve always the sweet talker, huh, Jonghyun-ah? I’ll go now; your father might come visit later in the night. Do talk to him, because he’s been waiting for you to come for a long time now.”

“Oh? Okay then. I’ll talk to him. And don’t worry, Mom, I’ll take care of Taeyeon. By the look on your face you’d think she was going to be kidnapped! Don’t worry so much, get some sleep and trust me.”

“I trust you.”

She said those three words, and took a step back. She took one last, long look at him before she turned and the click clacking of her two-inch heels echoed of into the silence as she disappeared round the corner.

****

VI. Wouldn’t Ask For

When he woke up, a dim ray of sunlight was shining on the bed. His sister wasn’t awake. He smiled, caressing her cheeks, watching her shift slightly in her sleep. He patted her head gently, hushing her, telling her to calm down. She settled after a while, and went back into her peaceful sleep.

It was not long before he received a call. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and when he took it out, he realized he had five unread texts and two missed calls from his girlfriend, Jessica Jung. She was a model in Seoul, born and raised in San Francisco, but came to Korea for a while, and they got into a relationship. She wasn’t a particularly warm person, but understood when something was wrong. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the room.

“Jonghyun-ah.” Her voice didn’t sound worried or anxious, or angry, like most girlfriends probably would’ve sounded. Rather, she was relieved.

“Baby, I’m so sorry I didn’t answer your texts or phone calls.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart, don’t worry. What’s wrong? You don’t sound well.”

He felt a smile tug at his lips, thanking God for blessing him with such a caring girlfriend who didn’t get mad, and instead worry about him after hearing his voice.

“It’s Taeyeon noona. She’s got cancer.”

“Cancer? Oh sweetheart, are you all right? Should I come over to visit?”

“No, it’s okay baby, you stay where you are. I don’t want to overwork you. Your schedules are jam-packed for the week and I know that. Stay in Seoul, arasso? I’ll come back, don’t worry.”

“Okay sweetheart, but take care of yourself okay? And send your sister my best regards and wishes. I’m very concerned… And don’t forget to say hello to your parents for me, tell them I promise to visit soon.”

“No problem, Jess. You take care too. Eat well, okay? I miss you baby.”

“I know and I do too. I love you.”

“Love you too. Bye Jess.”

“Bye Jonghyun-ah."

He kept his phone back into his pocket and smiled. Thank you Jessica, he thought. I wouldn’t ask for a better girlfriend.

****

VII. Over and Over

It was pretty much the same routine over and over again for the next few days. Jonghyun would be with Taeyeon for almost the whole day, going back occasionally to take baths, while his father would check in and out. His mother would be there for the day, and go back in the night. Taeyeon would remain smiling. Apart from them, Taeyeon’s ‘angel’, as she called him, would visit.

****

VIII. Questions and Answers

“May I come in?”

“Sure.” Jonghyun smiled warmly and backed out of the room as another man walked in.

His name was Park Jungsu, and he was about five years a senior of Taeyeon. He was proper, and his mannerisms were gentle. He made Taeyeon laugh, and made her smile. Jonghyun grew to like him, and he did anyway, since Taeyeon was already in love with him.

“Taeyeon-ah… How have you been?”

He smiled, sitting beside her on the bed and her hair. She liked to think of him as her guardian, and she liked him, but she wasn’t sure of his feelings yet. He hadn’t confessed, but she was expecting it sooner or later.

“I honestly don’t know… The doctors don’t tell me anything. Jonghyun doesn’t either. I’m still going through the usual after-surgery chemotherapy… It’s cool how I’m not affected by the hair loss problem, many people drop hairs, but I don’t! Isn’t that great?”

Jungsu nodded, suddenly looking at her seriously.

“Can I tell you something, Taeyeon-ah?”

Taeyeon smiled and pushed the fringe out of her hair, gazing into his eyes, nodding slowly. She wondered what he was about to say. By the looks of it, she seemed to be in for something bad. I sure hope it’s not—

“You know, Taeyeon… You and I are pretty close, and during the time we’ve been together I found my feelings for you grow day by day. Every time I see your beautiful smile I think to myself, ‘I want her to be mine someday’. And I don’t want that day to be too late, and I don’t want to regret anything that I’ve waited for. So, Kim Taeyeon, would you do me the honour, the greatest honour I could ever have, of being my girlfriend?”

She gasped, pausing for a second, not knowing what to do.

“Taeyeon? Are you—are you okay?”

She nodded, replying, “Yes, yes, yes!”

Jungsu smiled widely and wrapped her up into his arms, kissing her on the forehead. She blushed, hiding her face in her hands. He shook his head, removing her hands and cupping her face.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that, Taeyeon-ah. I’ve been waiting… So long, and every time I see you I’ve had the urge to do it. And have I ever told you? You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Taeyeon blushed deeply. She couldn’t look into his eyes. It all seemed like she was in a fairytale. One big web of cliché storylines, and it was all just a dream. Yes, a dream, that’s what she felt like she was in. She couldn’t put her finger just on what she felt. Maybe it was pure happiness, or anticipation, nervousness… Perhaps afraid… She felt a little afraid of what was going to happen.

It was like what was going to happen dawned on her. What if she died? What if she couldn’t make it and the therapy didn’t heal her? What if… What if she really died just like that? She’d leave so many people behind. Her mom, her dad, Jonghyun, Jungsu… And all of her friends and relatives—she’d leave them all behind, with no one to bring happiness back into their lives.

What would happen then? Would they just not be able to help themselves out of the depression of it all? So many questions, she thought, yet so little answers…

****

IX. Such a Pretty Face

“No! No! Stop!”

She woke up with a start. She had a nightmare. No one was around. Jonghyun had gone out somewhere, and her mother was at home. She looked around, suddenly scared. She bolted straight up, her eyes tearing. Sitting there, she wondered what she would do next.

In her nightmare, if you called it that, she was walking around in a white room filled with mist. She couldn’t see anything, just cloudy, mysterious mist. Someone took her, and covered , blinding her eyes with his other hand. He pulled her to the other end of the room, and she could only moan and groan.

She wanted to scream but she was strangled slightly. Then the man spoke. His words were clear and direct.

“Shut up, or I’ll hurt you.”

She suddenly had a stronger urge to scream her heart out. So she did. She couldn’t help it, it seemed like she couldn’t control her own body. The man smirked, pushing her to the wall, trapping her with both his hands.

“I told you to shut up didn’t I?"

He took a knife out and touched it to her face.

“Such a pretty face…”

And the dream ended.

****

X. You’ll be Fine

“G’morning angel.”  She spoke, waking up and noticing him sitting by the corner, reading the news.

“Good morning love, slept well?”

He smiled, putting his newspaper down and sitting next to her. He watched her, amused by her dazed morning face. She looked like she just dropped off the face of the earth and came back not even knowing it. Or perhaps the expression a person has when he slips on a banana peel and land on the floor, those few seconds where no pain is felt.

“Mhm. When did you arrive? I hope you didn’t wait long.”

“I arrived moments ago. And it was nice watching you sleep, angel. You look more heavenly than ever.”

She smiled, trying to shake off the nightmare she had. Was it last night? She thought. It had all felt so surreal. For a few seconds they just held a fond gaze, his eyes turning a misty black, the way she loved it. It was intriguing that way, like you could stare at it for hours.

“You, Sir, have wonderful eyes.”

“And you, milady, perfection. Although we’re going to have to get you out of this hospital, it’s so depressing.”

“Ah yes. The doctor just did a full-scale examination on me yesterday. The reports haven’t come out yet. This is critical. It decides whether I can stay here for a bit more and leave, or go for the next round of treatment… And if I don’t pass that successfully I might…”

Jungsu shook his head, hugging her protectively. “I’m not going to let you. Ever. Don’t worry so much about it. You’ll be fine! I know you will.”

She hugged back, but she didn’t know what to say. Yeah, she could smile and agree, but what if the results came out and she was going to die? Then what could she do?

****

XI. Don’t Cry

The doctor came into the room, and everyone was waiting with a hopeful expression on their faces. Taeyeon bit her lip hard, Jungsu had his hand on Taeyeon, Jonghyun was simply pacing around, chewing his nails, and her parents were standing with each other, holding hands. The doctor spoke.

“Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, and Taeyeon-ssi. So we’ve had the test results done, and it appears to be… that her cancer has progressed to the last stage. And during this stage we usually advise patients to go for surgery. But there are many risks to surgery—”

“We’ll do anything to help her get better.” Mrs. Kim cut in, unable to take the pressure anymore.

“I thought… she was getting better?” Jonghyun’s voice cracked, clearly dismayed.

“... I’m sorry, but it appears after the treatment on the surface she seemed well, but inside, it’s a whole different story.”

Everyone went solemn. A pregnant silence took over the room and nobody spoke. Even Taeyeon who sighed, somehow knowing that it would happen some day. It was her decision, whether she wanted to go for surgery or not. She might get better, but the chances looked slim at such a stage, and she began to wonder why this fate had settled upon her.

“I’ll—I’ll take the surgery. But… may I know the risks?”

“Wound infections following it, but that can be cured with antibiotics, excessive bleeding after the surgery, which is rare, but it still happens, body reactions to anaesthesia, but that is one in 200,000 cases, and finally lymphedema, also known as swelling… That’s pretty much the general risks.”

“Alright, thank you.”

“I will take my leave now. Your surgery is arranged for this Friday. You still have three days, Ms. Kim, to do whatever you what. Use the time wisely Ms. Kim.”

Taeyeon nodded, smiling at the doctor and thanking him for his visit and report. Then she looked at her family, their faces creased with worry. She smiled softly, pulling her legs up to her chest, leaning her head on her knees. Shutting her eyes slowly, she whispered, “Don’t be so sad, guys…”

Her parents left the room silently. She caught a glimpse of her mother crying and her father comforting her. Jungsu told her that he’d go and get a cup of water for Taeyeon and some food. Jonghyun stayed, moving over to her bed and sitting beside her.

“Noona… Are you sure you’re alright with this?”

“You dumbo. Of course I’m sure. Why would I say I’d take the surgery if I weren’t? Don’t worry so much about me. Worry about yourself. Asia’s biggest star worrying over something so trivial? Psh.”

Jonghyun lowered his gaze. His lower lip trembled as he spoke, “My sister’s going for surgery and has the worst possible stage of cancer and I can’t do anything about it and all I can do is worry, don’t I at least deserve that? Noona I can’t—I can’t…”

And he cried again. Taeyeon smiled, and thought of the many-a-time she saw him cry like a water fountain that had broken. At the same time though, her heart shattered to a million pieces. Watching his tears fall just for her made her feel unworthy of it. What had she ever done to deserve all this love?

“Jonghyun-ah, don’t cry…”

And yet she knew, his tears wouldn’t run dry anytime soon.

****

XII. Not Now

It was Wednesday night when she arrived.

“May I know which ward Kim Taeyeon is in? I’m her brother’s girlfriend, Jung Sooyeon Jessica, and I’ve come to visit.”

“Ah, this way please.”

She smiled and bowed as the lady went away after escorting her. She knocked on the door twice, before she heard a faint voice, barely recognizing it.

“Come in…” It was Jonghyun, of course, though it sounded weak and tired.

“Jonghyun-ah.”

He looked up, his eyes widening in surprise when he saw that it was his gorgeous yet honey-sweet girlfriend. She’d come all the way from L.A. She’d recently gone for a photo shoot there. He stood up quietly and pulled her out of the room, because Taeyeon was already asleep. He was watching her because Jungsu had gone to eat something. They had taken shifts like that every night.

“Sica! You’re here! Didn’t I tell you to stay in Seoul?”

Jessica smiled, pecking his lips lightly and leaning against the wall. “I know, but I couldn’t stand waiting, plus I heard about her surgery so I had to come over or I’d feel bad.”

Jonghyun slung an arm lazily over her shoulder and leaned against the wall as well, frowning, “I’m so worried it’ll not turn out right. What if…”

“I know you’re worried Jonghyun-ah. But whatever happens to Taeyeon unnie, you must not be too devastated, okay? Even if something bad happens to her, you can’t break down, you can’t fall ill, you have to stay strong, alright Jonghyun? You and Taeyeon both can pull through this, whatever it is. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, isn’t that what they always say? Jonghyun-ah, I don’t want you to be too upset over this, because if you do I’ll worry about you.”

Jonghyun stared into Jessica’s eyes, both of them silent for that moment. He put his arms around her neck and kissed her forehead gently, then her eyes, nose, cheeks and lips.

"Thank you for being here for me during this period of time, baby. I don’t know what I’d do without your words. I’d probably go insane. I love you, so much, and I won’t ever let go of you.”

“I know. Me too. Now come on, don’t we have to watch unnie?”

Jonghyun took her hand and led her in. The moment she laid her eyes on the thin figure she once saw so many months ago, but completely under-sized now, she gasped. She didn’t know it would be this bad. Taeyeon seemed like she was anorexic. Jonghyun just sighed and sat down, pulling her onto his lap.

“Yah put me down.”

“We can stay like this, noona won’t wake up until morning.” He was amused that her cold attitude came back so quickly; just a moment ago she was so sweet. But that was another one of her charms—bipolarity, if you called it that.

“Fine, fine. Whatever you want. How is she…?”

“She’s going for surgery, you know that, but she seemed fine to me. I don’t know… Apparently she’s gotten into the last stage of cancer and she might…”

“Yes I know. But how is she, emotionally?”

“She’s… happy as always. You know how it is. She’s always smiling, telling us to cheer up. I don’t know what she’s feeling anymore. Sometimes, when she sleeps she mutters something about me or Jungsu or my parents, but nothing more, because everything becomes a low mumble that I can’t make out. She might be hiding a whole sea of emotions behind that strong façade.”

“I admire her.”

“Why?”

“She’s so positive all the time. She’s like a beaming ball of sunshine constantly lighting up your life. If only I had such a sister. Even if she was on her sickbed I’d be happy around her. I suppose I wouldn’t be the cold person I am now if she was my sister. You should be happy.”

“I know, baby, I am. But I can’t help but sigh when I watch her like this. It’s so scary how she can hide it so well, don’t you think?”

Jessica couldn’t reply. She had absolutely nothing, nothing to say. She watched Taeyeon slightly shift in her bed, as if she was having some kind of nightmare. It was nice to watch people sleep sometimes, but when that person’s having a nightmare, it’s hard to even glance at it for a few seconds. And you either wake the person up, which is bad because obviously Taeyeon needs her rest, or let her have her nightmare, which is also bad. Jessica got off Jonghyun’s lap and sat by the bed.

“It’s okay unnie, calm down, it’s just a dream, unnie…”

Her soft voice seemed to work wonders. Taeyeon stopped shifting, like the nightmares had been out of her, and smiled in her sleep. Jonghyun was appalled. Even his parents never had that ability. He sat behind Jessica and wrapped his arms around her.

“You’re going to be such a great mother, Sica.”

Jessica just smiled. Inside her heart, she prayed for Taeyeon to get well. Taeyeon needed to get well because everyone was counting on her. She prayed for Taeyeon to pull through the surgery and come out strong as before, not like the weakling she was now.

The door opened, and it was Jungsu. Jonghyun let go of Jessica and gently pulled her off the bed. Jessica turned, noticed him, and bowed fully.

“Hi, I’m Jessica. Nice to meet you.”

“No need for formalities. I’m Jungsu.

Jessica nodded and made way for him to sit by Taeyeon. The pair decided to go out and leave Jungsu alone to watch her.

He heard the door close behind him, and cleared his throat. He knew what were the words he wanted to say, but he felt nervous. If somebody saw him at that moment, they’d probably think he was mental, but he wasn’t. He just wanted to get some words off his chest. Bottling them up for so long really wasn’t the way to go, he figured, but he couldn’t say it to Taeyeon straight, because he was afraid.

He looked up, hand over his mouth, trying to stop himself from tearing up just by watching her. She was even thinner than before, if that was humanly possible. Perhaps he didn’t realize it before; perhaps that was why he was so shocked when the doctor said that her cancer had progressed to the last stage.

“Taeyeon-ah,” he began, taking one of her hands into his.

“I know we haven’t been together for a particularly long time… And I’m sorry I took so long to confess to you. I liked you, way before I told you that I did. But that’s not the main point of what I want to say today. I’ve watched over you day and night since I came here, and to be honest I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m so afraid that I’ll lose you, so afraid that if I turn my back and leave the room; your heart will stop beating. I have no control over your decision, I know, but I hope you pull through this, for me. But then I can’t help but think, what if you don’t? Then what will happen to me? I’ll probably never be able to find another love again. And you know what’s the worst part? Do you know? No I don’t think so. The worst part is that I can’t do anything about it. I can only watch, hope and pray. I can’t even…

“This might all sound very point less to you, Taeyeon-ah, but I can’t afford to lose you. I just can’t. Seeing you paining like this, I know you are, even though you don’t show it, hurts me to the very core of my being. I know Jonghyun feels worse, probably a hundred times worse, but… I love you, all right? I love you a lot, more than you can imagine.”

He then gently put down her hand on the bed again, and shut his eyes, letting the tears flow freely. He decided not to do anything about it. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a moth. The moth, dark brown with white spots lining its wings, was lingering by the corner.

They say moths represented a spirit hovering between life and death, in other words a spirit that doesn’t want to leave, a soul that doesn’t want to go into heaven or hell. Jungsu wondered if it was her spirit that was signified by the moth. Did she not want to go just yet? But, more importantly, was she going to go soon?

She couldn’t. Not now, not when so many people needed her the most.

****

XIII. Remembering

“Ms. Kim? Are you ready?”

The doctor came in on Friday morning. Everyone was in the room. Her parents had taken a day off to be with their daughter. Jungsu and Jonghyun had panda eyes from taking care of her daily. Jessica was there too, she’d spoken to Taeyeon earlier in the morning, for moral support.

“Yes.”

That was the first time she replied so monotonously. After all, what more could she say to the situation she was in?

The doctor nodded and wheeled her into the surgery room. Everyone followed and lingered outside of the room as the light came on. Just before Taeyeon went in, she kissed every one of them and said a few words.

To Jungsu, she kissed him on the lips and whispered, “Thank you for confessing and being with me. I love you.”

To her parents, she kissed both of them on the cheeks and said, “Thank you for giving birth to me, and bringing me to this world. I love you both very much.”

To Jessica, she kissed her on the cheek and gave her a short, warm hug, and smiled, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for my brother, and do continue even if I don’t make it. And thank you for the special trip you’ve made to see me.”

To Jonghyun, she kissed him on the forehead, nose and cheeks. He wrapped her in his strong arms, and before she could even say anything, he whispered in her ear, “Don’t leave us behind, stay strong, Taeyeon-ah. I love you.” To which, she replied softly, “I’ll try my best, if I can. I love you too.”

And she went in, remembering what everyone said to her before the surgery. I love you, Taeyeon-ah, forever and more… You’re our daughter, so you can do this… I’ll take care of him, don’t you worry… I love you, sister.

****

XIV. She Was Gone

Hours later, everyone saw the surgery light switch off. Two surgeons came out; one of them was the doctor from before. They gathered around the two men, their nerves bundled up. Even Jessica looked flustered for some reason, and she never was.

“We are very sorry to inform you that Ms. Kim didn’t pull through the surgery. Her blood pressure went too high, and it was because of the body reactions to anaesthesia, like I said before, a very rare reason of death, but it happened.”

“So… she’s dead?” Mrs. Kim couldn’t believe it.

“I’m afraid she is, Mrs. Kim. We tried our best to revive her, but we couldn’t. I’m very sorry.”

She was gone, just like that.

****

XV. Five Years Later: Epilogue

It’d been five years since Taeyeon died. Everyone tried their best to go back to the way they were before. It was hard, but they did, eventually, in their own ways. It was hard for each member of the family, including Jungsu and Jessica; they were part of the family too.

Her parents moved out from their hometown and into Seoul, and bought a house and started up their own jewellery company. It got famous immediately, and the family became richer than they were before. They were the quickest to get used to life without Taeyeon, unexpectedly, and realized that she’d taught them an important lesson.

Always be happy, she always said, and she herself was always so. No matter what happens.

It wasn’t the same for Jungsu. He never seemed to get over the fact that Taeyeon passed away barely two weeks after he confessed. At first, he regretted confessing so late, he regretted not finding her early enough, he regretted not spending enough time with her whenever he could. His thoughts revolved around her all day long, and then he went to the ‘I should haves’.

He knew Taeyeon wouldn’t like it if he became like that. He tried to change, but he couldn’t. Every day at night he would look up at the sky with the stars and feel his heart getting broken again and again, as if the stars could do anything about it. He pained to see anything that would make him remember Taeyeon again.

During that period of time, he kept away all her letters, pictures, singing recordings, and even locked the room they used to always go in his house before she was hospitalized. He couldn’t bring himself to sing, because it just reminded him of Taeyeon.

As the years passed he slowly got used to the fact that Taeyeon wasn’t around anymore, and stopped his mourning, but occasionally, just occasionally, he’d sit in the room they used to be in and just cry, letting his feelings out.

You’d think his story ended with a happily ever after, but it didn’t. Many women, of high standards, tried to date him, but he just couldn’t forget Taeyeon. Perhaps he’d remain a single for the rest of his life, until someone came along, someone even more amazing than Kim Taeyeon. Maybe that would happen, maybe it wouldn’t.

Jungsu then decided, three years exactly after Taeyeon died, that he’d wait for someone else who could accept him the way he was, broken, and fix him up again.

For Jonghyun, he got married two years after Taeyeon passed away, to Jessica, of course. He quit his singing career when he got married, reason being his marriage, which would cause much hype in the industry and fan-hate, and also because the only reason why he began singing was Taeyeon, so when she was gone, he wouldn’t continue that career anymore.

He still sang, however, just not with albums. He did performances, for cancer foundations especially, and gave all of the proceeds to the charity, to help cure those with that deadly disease, knowing that what he did would help many more to come.

On the day after Taeyeon’s death he’d found a letter addressed to him in her bag. It seemed like she had just written it. With a heavy heart, he had opened it, reading the contents slowly.

Dear Jonghyun,

When you find this I’d probably be gone, away from this world. I want you to know something, Jonghyun, before you do anything rash. I don’t want you to stop doing what you’re doing now, and that’s singing. I don’t care in what way; I want you to continue singing, for me. In heaven, I hope, I want to hear your voice, your beautiful, inspiring voice.

That’s my first wish. My second wish… Take care of our parents. I know they’re going to be fine, but do look out for them and help them when they need it. Even if you can’t live with them, make sure they’re doing all right now and then, okay? I don’t need you to be like me, no, just be filial.

I sound like I’m nagging right now, don’t I? Anyway, my third wish is that I want you to marry Jessica. Whenever you’re ready, give your whole heart to her, and thank her daily, tell her you love her whenever you can. She really does care for you, I can tell, and you know it too. She’s someone special, that Jessica. Treasure her. Cherish her. Love her. Don’t ever let her go from your grasp.

And lastly… Jonghyun, I’m sorry for any of the conflicts we’ve ever had, and any differences that caused me to be a terrible person in any way, and I’m sorry for not patching things up early enough. You’re a wonderful brother, Kim Jonghyun, and I love you. I love you for everything you are. Don’t change when I’m gone. If you do, make sure it’s for the better.

Now I don’t wish to go on rambling like I usually do, because you’ll probably get bored. So I’m just going to say it one last time, forever.

I love you, Brother.

Love always,

Kim Taeyeon.

“I love you, Sister.” He choked out, the moment he finished reading it, tears springing into his eyes.

And with those words, he promised himself that he’d fulfil all her three wishes, no matter what it took, simply because he was her brother. And she was his sister, forever and always, even if she’d gone.