Finding Solace
Finding SolaceYonghwa has always been unsettled with the people he crosses paths with - be it good or bad.
He has always preferred to stay in the background, far from whatever they call the group in the center of the group dancing to the overplayed ost from that disney movie. No, he would rather stray by the sidelines, thank you very much. He likes being safe, and his view of the sidelines is very safe. If it involves him talking to another human being like himself, he instantly shuts himself down. His heart rate increases by the second, breathing quickening as he rushes off somewhere quiet to calm himself down. He places his hand on the wall, forcing himself to take deep breathes to slow down his breathing, he concentrates hard.
"Calm down, everything is fine." He feels a hand on his back, rubbing it up and down. It works faster than how he usually does it and it makes him feel weird inside.
"Thank you." He chokes out, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, turning to bow at his savior. She brushes her hair out of her face, manicured fingernails with shimmering gems on each finger. "You're welcome. I used to have them all the time." She passes him a bottle of water.
He does not say anything, clutching the bottle tightly.
He thinks it is disgusting, no, it is, how television shows depicts someone with a certain disorder to be helpless, always needing attention from a partner. No, everything regarding it is absolutely wrong. If having a disorder means having your family loving you every second of the day then Yonghwa's family might have view having a son with depression wrong all this while. It does not work that way, he thinks, switching the show off. He gets off his bed, taking a seat on the floor with his clay sculpture he is supposed to be completed a week ago, instead of it lying there with its arm dangling whenever the wind blows at it. He hears hushed whispers from beyond his room, knowing exactly what day it is - appointment day.
Yonghwa always wonders if this man in the white coat really cares about him as he busily writes down whatever Yonghwa is saying, occasionally nodding as he rubs his stubble trying to look as attentive as possible. He stills get paid at the end of every month even if he s up at his job, so why the would he care in treating Yonghwa properly? Yonghwa sighs as he reads the new prescription of medication for him to try for the next three weeks only to come back without any improvements.
He considers shoving all the medication down his throat, endure the pain of his organs failing on him as his heart stops beating to, but he feels guilty for causing his family to spend hundreds on his hospital bills trying to save him time and time again. They told him before, he is a waste of money, then why did they even bother sending him for monthly hospital visits? Oh, yeah, he ended up in the ER too many times before.
"Are you feeling better?" Joohyun asks, a girl he met at the stupid party a few weeks ago.
"Depends on how you define better." He replies, fingers tugging at the stalk of rose he stole from the school's rooftop garden. He does not feel any pain, watching his blood spill from his nimble fingers.
Joohyun removes the rose from his hands, putting a napkin on his fingers, pressing softly to stop the bleeding. "Better as in you don't feel suicidal for now."
"Yeah, sure." He replies, disinterested. "Have you ever wondered when you'll die?"
Joohyun shrugs, brushing her hair off her shoulder. "I'll probably die of sudden death, according to my doctor. He says my blood refuses to absorb the iron tablets I have been taking." She leans in, resting her head on his shoulders. "I'm so tired."
Yonghwa did not find it surprising when Joohyun told him she suffers from iron deficiency. The girl has always been excused from physical education, always sitting in the shade under a nearby tree. There was once he touched her wrist to drag her to the trophy section of the school and she had a bruise minutes later.
"Please live, for me." Joohyun whispers, touching Yonghwa lightly, running her fingers on his face as doctors shove her aside, rushing to tend to Yonghwa. She watches silently with tears streaming down her face when the doctor calls for another emergency surgery. She stays seated outside the surgery room, anxiously waiting for Yonghwa to be wheeled back to his ward, safely sleeping without any sly pills left in his stomach from yesterday night. Joohyun wishes she could switch lives with him, it would be better if she were to be the one suffering from his disorder since she is bound to die anytime, however, illnesses do not work that way.
The doctor says it is a miracle for him to recover in just a week. Joohyun thinks it is thanks to Yonghwa's working organs. He has always recover fast, be it from his bleeding tendencies or the pumping. He is lucky, they say. Joohyun thinks he should succeed in his next try because she cannot see him hurting this way anymore. His face is blank, putting a precut piece of a chicken in his mouth with the wooden spoon.
"Do you think I'm ungrateful for wanting to die so badly?" He places his hand on top of Joohyun's shivering ones. She pulls her cardigan tighter around her body.
"No, you're not ungrateful. It is just God's cruel way of toying with you. You're nowhere ungrateful, Yonghwa." She takes a deep breath before continuing. "Don't ever think you're selfish, because-" Joohyun blacks out.
Joohyun does not come by his ward for the next three days.
Yonghwa is found the next five days with a noose holding him up from the ceiling, his body slowly swaying back and forth.
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