You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories. – Stanisław Jerzy Lec

A month before darkness surrounded me I was standing at a coastline watching the sea meeting the horizon. As I closed my eyes I concentrated on the sound of the waves crashing at the shore down below on the cries of a seagull somewhere in a distance on the swishing of the grass surrounding me and on the tapping of the feet of my friend who was walking back and worth slowly. The air smelled fresh and a bit like seaweed with a hint of pine tree that had to grow somewhere close and I could taste the salt on my lips. The sun had decided to show itself from behind the clouds because I could feel the warmth on my skin as I stood there for a while watching the ocean eyes shut. The old picture that was printed in my memories appeared again and I could almost feel the touch of her soft hand on my shoulder and hear her sweet voice inside my ears but I knew it was just a reminiscence of the past that I did not want to forget.

“I’m sorry Himchan hyung,” I heard Jongup say.

“What for?” I asked him even though I already knew the answer.

“For not finding it,” he said his voice regretful.

“It’s ok,” I said. I wanted to say something more to tell him he was not at fault and it wasn’t even his task in the first place but we had discussed it so many times before and I knew by now that it was no use.

“How much more time do we have to find it?” he asked.

“I don’t know, Jongup, and I don’t want to know,” I told him even though I had the vague idea that it wouldn’t take long anymore.

“I should have asked,” he said.

“No, it’s ok to ask, for you it is ok,” I told him and held my hand out to him. He placed it on his arm and I opened my eyes again as he led me back the same way we came.

“I found this flyer today. There seems to be a concert or a music festival of some sort in town today. I thought maybe we could go, so this trip wouldn’t be a total waste,” he said and stopped walking to put my hand of his arm to hand me the flyer because he knew I could only read when I was not moving. Jongup’s hands were soft and besides having a trained and muscular body this touches were always light and delicate as if he was afraid he could hurt me. The flyer was a small colorful paper with band names that said me nothing printed on it.

“It’s probably going to be crowded,” I told him.

“I guess,” he said.

“I don’t like crowds,” I said to because he did not get what I had tried to tell him.

“Oh,…I haven’t thought of that,” he confessed his tone way more remorseful as it had to be in such a situation. He reminded me of a puppy that just got scolded and I looked at his face and as my eyes finally focused I could see that he had the same sad look on his face that I thought he would.

“But you’re right, we can’t let the day go to waste like this, so let’s go,” I told him because I just couldn’t stand the look.

“I’m going to be right beside you the whole time, I promise,” he said now totally exited. I was using his help enough already so for once we could do something that he enjoyed even if I wasn’t very fond of the idea. Jongup always tried to convince me that it was alright because I had helped him in the past but spending every free hour to help me was more that repaying this debt. I knew I had to end it one day and try to depend more on my own but I somehow was not ready to do so and I appreciated his help.

“What are you doing?” I asked him as we continued our walk and I noticed he was searching something on the phone. I could not read anything on the screen.

“I’m trying to figure out which bus we have to take to get there,” he told me. I knew it wasn’t easy for him because he did not have the greatest sense of orientation and was a catastrophe when it came to organizing something and the only thing I remember from our first trip to the sea was that we had been constantly lost and even though we had started early in the morning we had only reached the coast as the sun was setting. But now he was getting better at it with every trip we took so maybe he was gaining at least this from my search for this one particular place.

We finally reached a road and it became easier for me to walk so I could relax a bit more and stop starring as concentrated in front of me as before because I could already notice how I strained my eyes and a headache was building up again.

“I think I found the right one,” Jongup told me.

“You think?” I asked him still not very convinced of his sense of navigation.

“Can you run?” he asked me and just in the moment I wanted to decline he wrapped his arm around me and increased his speed pushing me foreword.

“What are you doing?” I asked him slightly panicked.

“Catching a bus,” he said happily as if it was the most normal thing in the world and then it occurred to me that it probably was but it had been a long time since I had last done it and suddenly I was laughing because even though it was all blurry in front of my eyes and I was going to trip and fall down any moment I was still running. It reminded me of the feeling one got while on a roller-coaster right it was scary but in the same time full of excitement and adrenaline and for this he thanked Jongup because even though he knew of my growing disability he still stayed a person who did things first and thought about it later or in his case mostly didn’t think about it at all.

It was no use, I wouldn’t humiliate myself and scream for Jongup in the middle of the sidewalk so I pulled the folded blindman’s stick out of my pocket. The sun had gone down already and since my condition left me completely night blind I couldn’t see anything else then black after dawn. I hated nighttime now even more than before. Jongup had been by my side the whole time but from one moment to another I had just lost him, or better he had lost me since he was the person that could see. The first time that it happened I got really mad at him, to the point I stopped talking to him for two weeks as I was scared of being alone because it had been quite a shock for me to learn that I was little by little losing my eye sight. By now I knew that things like this could happen and I had to learn how to get by on my own anyway so I just stayed calm and waited for Jongup to find me again because the one thing I could be sure of was that the moment Jongup noticed I wasn’t by his side anymore he would do anything to find me again and that was more than reassuring. The loud sound of cars to my right irritated me and made it harder to hear if anyone was coming towards me or not. I tried to at least to navigate myself towards the side of the sidewalk because I didn’t want to stand in the middle of it blocking anyone’s path. Maybe it was time to invest in one of those electronic sticks because it was really hard to guess where I should be going. I carefully made my way forward as I felt something crashing into me and I lost my balance and fell to the ground. The hard filings of the sidewalk grazed the palm of my hands as I landed on my knees and hands. It had happened so often that I wondered why my skin wasn’t thicker on these parts of my body by now.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going,” a male with a rather deep voice said.

“Me neither,” I answered slightly bugged. If people had well-functioning eyes they could at least do others the favor to use them, especially when they were walking around. I wanted to feel for my stick because I instinctively let go of it as I had fallen but I felt a hand on mine turning it around and putting the blindman’s stick inside it and slowly closing my fingers. I stood up slowly feeling for my trousers hoping they didn’t tear but I was lucky this time.

“Are you ok?” the deep voice asked me.

“Yes I’m fine,” I assured him.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized again and just in the moment I wanted to tell him that I really was ok and that I wouldn’t die from somebody bumping into me I left a hand on my shoulder, Jongup’s hand.

“Himchan Hyung, I’m so sorry, you where there and suddenly you weren’t, I’m sorry, really,” he rambled.

“I’m fine,” I said trying to convince both of them hoping we could stop with all the drama.

“I was just trying to look which direction we should go and suddenly…,” he went on and I had to interrupted him.

“Jongup, nothing happened,” I said putting my hand on his.

“Maybe I can help you?” the deep voiced male suggested and I wondered why wasn’t just going wherever he wanted to go.

“We wanted to go to the music festival,” Jongup told him.

“Oh, then you’re going in the wrong direction,” he explained.

“Where do we have to go?” Jongup asked him.

“Down this street and the second one right and when you see a park to your left the stage should be somewhere further down the road I guess,” he explained.

“Thank you,” Jongup said happily.

“But you do know that you are way too early, it won’t start in another three hours,” he said.

“Oh really?” Jongup said confirming to everyone that he had no clue about it.

“Maybe we should grab something to eat first,” I suggested to Jongup.

“I know a good place that isn’t far from here,” the stranger said. By now I just wanted him to go. I still had a big deal with trusting anyone that I couldn’t see, because I didn’t know how to judge someone with his voice as the only point of reference. The other problem was that Jongup was someone who trusted everyone and only saw the good in people and that was probably the reason he agreed happily to follow the man. After a few minutes they took a turn to their right and I had the feeling we were no longer on a main road but on a smaller side street because less cars could be heard and besides someone who passed us talking to the phone or so I thought because otherwise the man would have talk rather loudly to himself no one was passing by. I felt some of the tension leaving my body and walked more relaxed next to Jongup. It didn’t take long for the man to say that we had arrived.

“Would you mind if I invite you, as an apology for earlier?” the man asked.

“Thank you, hyung. Can I call you hyung?” Jongup asked him.

“I’m born 90, so if you are younger then please” he said.

“So you’re the same age as Himchan hyung,” Jongup said. I was surprised to hear that he was the same age. By the sound of his voice I had thought he was older. I did not want to have him join, but by now it would be awkward to say something against it and furthermore I had promised myself that I would do whatever Jongup wanted this evening to compensate for helping me the whole day. I heard that a door to my right was opened and the scent of grilled meat filled my nose. A part of me had still wanted to tell Jongup to go somewhere else where we would be by ourselves since I hated to eat in public anyway and in front of the eyes of an unknown man the thought seemed even worse but as soon as the delicious smell entered my nostrils my stomach won over my conscience in a rather one-sided battle.  I could hear people talking inside but it was either moderately attended or a rather small place because it wasn’t really loud. Then I entered and the lights that illuminated the room hit my eyes and suddenly everything became bright. I had problems with focusing and contrast so all I was seeing for a moment was white as if someone had used a flashlight from a camera for too long because my eyes couldn’t adjust to the sudden change and I had to halt in my movements. Jongup noticed it and stopped too, but didn’t say anything because I already knew that this could happen.  Sometimes I asked myself if Jongup was my friend or my guide dog because he always seemed to notice if something was wrong almost instinctively. I moved forward after my eyes adjusted a bit and I did not have to blink every second. I could see the back of the man. Through a bit blurry and out of focus I noticed that he was tall, maybe even taller than myself and had a lean figure. He was wearing dark trousers and a dark green shirt or thin jacket. Maybe it wasn’t green I figured after remembering that my doc had told me I was slowly starting to lose the ability to see the color blue what seemed to be a common thing for people with my kind of disorder. He let us to a table at the far corner of the restaurant what was in my consent because I hated when people were watching me. I always had the feeling they were doing it even more shamelessly because they thought I couldn’t see them. I decided I would not tell the man that now sat opposite to me that I could see him because I wasn’t in the mood to discuss the problems of my eyes with him.

“Bang Yongguk, by the way,” he said. I hadn’t even noticed that we hadn’t introduced each other.

“Jongup, Moon Jongup,” I heard Jongup introduce himself and he reached for Yongguk to shake hands.

“Kim Himchan,” I said and saw him looking directly into my eyes my hands staying where they were.

“Himchan,” he repeated my name. It wasn’t a very common one so it was nothing strange but the low and raspy sound of his voice as he said it almost gave a new ring to my name. I studied the stranger for the first time. His eyes were dark and his black hair cut short. At first I had thought he looked kind of fierce but now he was slightly smiling and all of it suddenly disappeared and his eyes were calm and friendly.

“Are you from here, hyung?” Jongup asked and the eye contact got broken because he had now turned towards the other.

“I lived here once but I’m living in Seoul now,” he told him.

“We live there, too,” Jongup told him.

“Are you here for the festival?” he asked.

“No, we were going on a trip to the sea,” I answered before Jongup was telling Yongguk more than I wanted him to know.

“So the festival is a spontaneous thing?” he asked further.

“I saw a flyer and thought it could be fun,” Jongup told him while Yongguk started grilling the meat that they had ordered and Himchan was getting hungrier because it really smelled amazing.

“Local bands and artist are going to perform. It’s always a nice thing if you like music,” Yongguk explained and put some grilled meat on my rice.

“I put some meat on your rise,” he told me considerately.

“What kind of music do you like, hyung?” Jongup asked.

“Mostly hip-hop and soul but I like jazz, too,” he answered.

“I enjoy hip-hop, too. And R&B and stuff,” Jongup explained.

“What hip-hop, all you do is listen to Chris Brown all day,” I said.

“I do like some other artists,” he argued.

“What about you?” Yongguk asked me and I was irritated again as his eyes starred directly into mine. I looked down and starred at my bowl of rise instead.

“Urban, R&B, some Japanese rock. I don’t really have a favorite,” I told him.

“Yes you do,” Jongup said as if he wanted to take revenge for earlier. I had no idea why he was in such playful manner, he normally wasn’t like this.

“So what is it?” Yongguk asked.

“Traditional music,” I confessed and grabbed another piece of meat that he had grilled just perfectly.

“That’s rare,” Yongguk commented but strangely it didn’t sound in any way negative more as if he found it an interesting information.

I had a hard time figuring Yongguk out. He was all friendly and considerate and at the same time there was something withdrawn and lonely about him but now that I had looked into his eyes I somehow knew that he was someone I could trust.

“There are a lot of people going,” I stated as I had more and more trouble making my way.

“If you don’t like crowds, I know a place where we could listen to it from afar,” Yongguk said.

“That would be great,” Jongup told him. The way Jongup was following Yongguk around reminded him of the time Jongup had tailed along after me and I was almost a bit jealous because I couldn’t be the one to guide him and got replaced but I still accepted the offer of a quieter place. Yongguk lead us on some small streets that went slightly upward but I could still hear the sound from the festival so we weren’t that far away from the stage. They time in the restaurant was still bugging me. We had talked about various things, went from one topic to another and yet Yongguk had not asked me once about his sight. He must have noticed that I could actually see something because of the way I ate my food but he hadn’t made any comment about it. It felt as he was someone who didn’t really care. It was as if it was not making any difference for him if I was seeing or not. I did not know what I should make out of that, how I should react because something like this had happened to me for the first time since my eyesight deteriorated. Now I could hear his steps next to me and I noticed how he adjusted his speed to the pace I was walking. I wanted to ask him why but I knew it would be a strange thing to ask and so I just concentrated on the path in front of me listening to the music and the sound of our feet. The air was getting a bit colder but it was still warm enough outside not to freeze. Since I didn’t like the summer heat to much I liked the freshness of the air. The walk wasn’t long and soon Yongguk stopped his track what I reckoned because I was already feeling warm from walking and wanted to cool down a bit.

“Here we are. Do you think it will work?” he asked and I had no idea what should work so it appeared to me that the question was asked to Jongup.

“It’s perfect hyung. You can see the entire stage from here,” Jongup exclaimed excitingly. Even if Jongup was normally a rather shy person he loved to get to know new persons so I tried to understand his mood.

“Hyung, there is a mural we could sit on and watch but it’s a bit higher, do you thing you can sit on it?” Jongup asked and put my hand on top of the cold concrete. It was indeed reaching my torso. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to put both hands on the wall and push yourself up a bit to sit on it but the idea to do so without seeing how high I had to push myself up to get on was making me uneasy. If I would be alone with Jongup then maybe I would just have tried and even if I failed a few times I know Jongup wouldn’t mind but the idea of Yongguk watching me fail embarrassed me too much.

“Turn around,” Yongguk said and even though I didn’t know why I just followed his orders.

“Mind some help?” he asked politely as if he had noticed that I wasn’t confident enough to do it on my own and I shook me had. I felt two hands on my hips that lifted me up a bit so that I could sit down. Jongup and Yongguk heaved themselves up and sat next to me. It seemed that Yongguk was a person that didn’t make a big deal out of helping somebody and I began to appreciate it. I started to listen to the music as I let my feet dangle in the air. It seemed that some song was played that was something between hip-hop and pop. It was something upbeat and rhythmic. I couldn’t quite sort it but I had never heard it before. What irritated me was that it wasn’t live but a recorded song that was played.

“They are pretty good,” Jongup commented after a while.

“But it’s not live?” I asked him and wondered why he hadn’t noticed.

“I mean their dancing, I’m sorry,” he said his voice toned down and sounding regretful. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t think of anything to say. I hated that he always felt sorry for me. It was enough that I felt sorry so he really didn’t need to. He was doing so much already by traveling from one place to another every time we both had some time to spare just because I wanted to see the place again I remembered my mother taking me to when I was small before I lost the sight of my eyes forever due to an illness called ritinitis pigmentosa that made my retina dye slowly. I made a note in my head to watch Jongup dance one last time, too. It was a few that was worth being remembered. I bet he would do way better than whoever was performing right now.

The song ended and I could hear the clapping of the people near the stage. I started to clap too. I somehow could notice that the other two where irritated.

“They had the courage to perform in front of an audience. Even if they were bad it I can at least show them my support for that,” I explained and I heard Yongguk clapping next to me as a sound of slow piano started. As listened closer I noticed that it was rather keyboard playing something polyrhythmic what seemed to be a kind of jazz of some sort. It wasn’t really a style I wasn’t really acquainted with. A saxophone mixed itself to the sound. It was a slow and soothing melody and I half expected another instrument playing along but it stayed with just the two of them complimenting each other. A bit into the song Yongguk started humming to it with his deep voice and I felt as if I could get lost in the sound. My body started to relax as I listened to this calming melody and it felt as I could forget everything for this moment as I closed my eyes and let myself drown in the music.

Author’s note: I decided to end it here and write another part because otherwise you would have to wait forever for an update because as always the story is longer then I originally expected it to be. I hope you like it. The second part is following soon. Thank you for reading.

J.J.