Sulli’s note (continue)

I didn’t know since when I hated that house no longer. It may be because I knew there’s still someone waiting for me at that house. No longer had I roamed around the street unconsciously. After class, I just wanted to back home immediately to meet him. I realized the little happiness that I've tried looking for in a long time, was not far away. That is the feeling of waiting for someone, cooking frugal meals for him, seeing him smile happily, and told me that my food was delicious. It seemed people were racing to find their happiness that was according to their own definition. There were people who were happy with their successful career, money, feeling of to be loved. But my happiness is looking at him every day, even though we’re just friends. The desire of to be close to him were growing up day by day, little by little. It made me more nervous, I was afraid that one day I could no longer control my heart. I didn’t know what to do except running away from it. I made all my efforts to avoid seeing him. Then he seemed to notice my weird action. He kept asking why I avoided him. I couldn’t tell him that I avoided him because I was scared of loving him more and more.

One that, he confessed his love to me. I wanted to jump up, scream happily, and hug him tightly in that moment. However, I totally did it in the opposite way. I rejected him. He might not how much I love him. I love him more than everything in this life. But I was just a e. Would he accept the love of disgusting? I would rather be on his side as a friend. I didn’t want to let him know about my terrible past. What if he knew it? He would look at him with the disgusting eyes, just like other men staring at me before. I told him that I just wanted to be friend with him. I was not ready for love. So, he accepted to be friend with me again.

I remembered one time we’re really in the awkward situation. I took us a long time to talk with each other again. We weren’t angry with each other at all. It’s just because we’re so shy to look at each other’s eyes. My flat was pretty small. There’re 2 bedrooms, a small kitchen, an empty small space as the living room, and one bathroom near the kitchen. I went to bathroom and took a bath as usual. When I’d done with my shower, I realized I forgot my clothes in my bedroom. I was so worried, didn’t know what to do. As usual, at that time, Taemin must be at the park to draw portraits for customers. I decided to run back to my room with a small towel around my body. As I ran past the living room, I was so shock for seeing Taemin. He’s eating his instant noodle. I was speechless, and stood like a stone as meeting his eyes staring on my body. A few second later, I screamed at top of my lung, otherwise Taemin kept coughing because of choke, while his eyes were opening wide. I ran to my room as fast as possible, and slammed the door strongly. I felt my cheeks burning, my body felt hot. I looked at me in the mirror. My face was red as a boiled lobster. What’s wrong with those feelings? A little bit nervous, yet happy. I thought it’s ridiculous for a e like me blushing hard when standing in front of man.  I’d been in front of a hundred of men; I didn’t feel shy or nervous at all. Why did I blush and feel embarrassed in front of him? I didn’t dare to see him many days. I wondered what his reactions were. Did he blush and feel nervous like me? A few days later, we didn’t say anything except say hi awkwardly.

Now I’m lying in the bed because of my sickness, I suddenly recall it as a funny and beautiful memory between us.

Everything would be happy forever if that accident hadn’t occurred to Taemin. I remembered that day we was on the way go to the supermarket for buying some food, and daily products. The man drove the car hit Taemin. He was drunk while driving. For me, everything seemed end up at the moment the car hit him hard. He lied quietly on the tough surface of the street. He didn’t move an inch. The blood was streaming from his forehead. I heard some screams of some passengers on the street. Everythingsuddenly blurred before my eyes. I didn’t see things clearly at all. I kept rubbing eyes to wipe away the tears. Everything happened so suddenly. A few minutes, Taemin still talked to me happily about the dinner which we would prepare. We were happy and laughing. But now he said anything to me. I wanted to hear his happy voice again. I approached to him slowly, kneeling down beside him. I took his hand and whispered, "Tae ... Taemin ... Did you hear what you said? Please answer me, please don’t be silence like this… Answer me” I shook his shoulder hard, but there’s no reply.

It'sluck thatTaemin is still alive, but he fell into coma. Doctors said that there’s bruise blood in his brain, so he couldn’t make sure when Taemin could wake up. There may take several days, months, years or even never. He needed surgery soon. But cost of surgery is very expensive, I really do not have enough money. I always wondered why God was too cruel to me. Why did God always separate me with the people I love? The first was my mother, now was the person I love. I had experienced and understand the feeling of helplessness while watching my beloved mom slowly and slowly leaving me. I would not let it happen again. I would try harder. I would win back his life from Angel of Death’s hands. I needed money as soon as possible. I went back to old job.

And this time I had to make more money. I was ready to go with any all types of people. I was willing to meet all their needs, including having with 2-3 guest at the same time – it’s so called three-some. Previously, I always asked customers use condoms during with me. Some people felt annoyed but they still agreed. Now I could not too picky as before. I didn’t care whether they used it or not. They’re willing to pay me a lot of money to find a strange sensation, what they called it nature. I mean having without using protection. I was no longer a shy girl. I served the customer all day and night, because my goal was to make money.

I quitted high-school again. Iwas being caught by some friends while I went to the hotel with customers. Those girls stared at me with their disgusting looks. They even called me as or garbage. I didn't care what everyone said, because they didn't know anything me. If they think of me as a e, they aren't wrong. I'm a professional e, not only a simple e. I'm professional more than they think. Why did I call myself as professional e. Because I knew how to separate my body and my soul. Any man could buy my body as long as they had money. But they never could buy my soul, because I gave all my soul to the only one - whose figure always occupied in my mind forever. "Taemin, please forgive me. One day you'll understand what I'm doing this for"

Recently Ifelt very unwell. I usually had a small fever at afternoon or evening. I just thought it's because I worked too much, not eating well. Until one day, I saw on my body started to appear some red dots. I could not reduce my fever despite taking medicine. I started to worry and went to see a doctor. Results of examination that I was infected with HIV. I didn’t believe in this result. It's probably the end of mine which was predictable in my life. A death’s in the disease and loneliness. But I didn’t feel sad because now I had enough money to help Taemin surgery. My life had nothing to regret. I also was a e. Otherwise Taemin has a very wide-open future. He received an art scholarship. He will become a famous artist. Just think of the happiness of him, I never regret anything.

Taemin’s surgery was very successful, and he will wake up soon. The doctor said that maybe in a few weeks for him to wake up after coma. Now all my wishes have been fulfilled. I want to see him even for a time. I tried to confront the disease alone. Lying on the tattered bed in a dark room, I dream of the dreams where I no longer have to live in shame. A place where I can meet my mother and having Taemin next to my side.

Nobody’s POV

He recovery fully after the coma, he stayed in the hospital one more week to check up all his health. He always wondered why he didn’t see Sulli visit him. Some feeling told him there’s really something happened to her. And he wondered who gave him money for surgery. He asked the doctor and nurse about that mysterious person. They told him that was a beautiful girl with depressed eyes. He knew right away it’s Sulli. After discharging form the hospital, he went back to their flat immediately.  He didn’t believe the one lying quiet on the bed in the dark room was his Sulli. She lost weight a lot, her body is as thin as a lath, her eyes have dark circles, and her skin is pale with some red marks. It’s been just a few months they haven’t see each other. Why did she change too much? He kneed down next to her bed, held her cold skinny hand tightly. He mumbled “Sulli… I’m back” She didn’t reply, just stared at him with her watery eyes.

-          Sulli, what’s happen to you? – Taemin said while crying

-          My time has come, I see the angel … many angels -  Sulli said while looking around the room

Taemin has no clued what she talking about. Hedid not know what happened to her. She squeezed tightly his hands that she has waited this for very long time. Eventually she met him again, though it is a bitter situation. Her eyes felt heavy slowly, she whispered to him "Live for me". He was completely surprised, didn’t understand why she said so. He shook his head seemed not to understand. With all her strength left, she smiled in happiness and satisfaction. The smile showed true happiness in her eyes.

-          What do you mean, Sully? Don’t scared me, please – his tears started falling down

She wanted to mumble something, but she’s too weak to speak it out. He placed his ear near , tried to listen what she said. However, he only heard “Tae … Teaming … I …lo…” She slowly closed her eyes tightly, and gone in peace. That was the words which she wanted to tell him very long time ago, but she never had chance to let him know. Finally, she had gone with her secrets – a shame and painful past, a incomplete sneaking love.

He couldn’t believe the one he loved, just left him like that. A mysterious death. Hewondered why things turn out like this? He was always fighting the hand of death, with the only wish that he could meet her again. But now she was gone. The boy recognized the most beautiful face she has, is when the death clock rings, her face is shriveled, and gaunt, but her eyes is sparkling with the tears and happiness. That is the first time and the last time he can see her beautiful face that always exist and haunt in his mind forever.  

Back to the reality

He closes the note-book which is soaked of his tears. Now he knows why she told him “Live for her” and can guess what her incomplete word before she died. All of sudden herealizes that she had sacrificed so much for him. His life was exchanged with the live of person he loves most. His heart has died with her death. With all her desire, he is determined to become an accomplished artist for not let her sacrifice becomes meaningless. He will live with all her love for him. He always believes that she never dies, she’sjust in a very far far away place and follows and watches every his step.

Next year, he wins the international art painting for young student. He gets the 1^st prize with the painting named “Beautiful”. Everyone can’t understand what his definition of “beautiful”, because he paints the picture about a girl whose face is shriveled, and gaunt, her body is as thin as a lath. She sits on the small bed next to window lifelessly. But her eyes are sparkling with the tears and happiness. To everyone after seeing it, they can’t find any beautiful on her faces. She'sjust like a living corpse who is slowly decaying. How could a sick person have an angelic smile, and happy mood like that. Everything in the picture is completely contradictory. A body is slowly dying, but the soul is at peace, and happiness.The girl shows no fear, still smiling calmly although the death is approaching her very close.

He gets a full scholarship at the most famous art university. Very soon, he becomes a famous artist around the world. He is famous for the unique and deep-emotional painting. Many of his works are bid very high. and are loved by everyone. But he never sold the painting "Beautiful", because it was treasure for him. With large amounts from the sale of paintings, he founded a charity, helping patients overcome the disease.

Many many many years later, the boys had become an old man. Human cannotavoid sickness and old age. Everyone is afraid of them. But he sees it as the final liberation. As soon, he will be able to meet someone he would expect very long time. Finally, he went away. Everyone celebrates the funeral for him. They bury him with the painting "Beautiful" as his wishes.

At a very peaceful and beautiful place, someone wakes him up by shaking his shoulder slightly. He opens his eyes, and realizes that he is the most beautiful place in the world. A girl with the white angel swings smiles with him gently, and calls his name sweetly “Taemin”. He is speechless and stares at her a few seconds. He can’t believe he can see her again. She still smiles at her with the beautiful smile as the last one she did before leaving him. He hugs her tightly, places her head on his shoulder, and whispers “Finally, we met again” The girls doesn’t reply, just nods her head on his shoulder. They squeeze their hand tightly, walk together on the beautiful white path. They meet again in heaven where is no pain and no shame.

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Wow, i made it complete. It takes me many many hours to complete. Hope you could understand well, sorry for some mistakes. I'm not goot at description. Hope you like it. Please, give me comments if you like it