The 1^stpage in Sulli’s note:

“Don’t play with that brat. She doesn’t have a father.” – That’s what I used to hear frequently since I was a child. Everyone bullied me, it’s only because I didn’t have father. Was it being a shame when I didn’t have father? No neighbor children wanted to make friends with me. I had no idea why I didn’t have while other children had. I often played alone at the play ground in the park near my house, and envied them as seeing their parents come and pick them up. I saw those children jumped around and swung their hands which connected with their parents’ head. A whole family went for walk in happiness. My mom never picked me up, since she’s too busy with her work. Every time after school, I returned home with those red and swollen eyes. Whenever she saw me like this, she just hugged me in her arms tightly and cried over on my shoulder. And I always asked the stupid questions which I asked her every day “Why do I not have a father? I want father …” while sobbing hard into her chest. She never replied my questions, kept saying “I’m so sorry, Sulli…”

I remembered one time when I was in elementary school, my teacher asked students must submit a journal about their fathers. Everyone could do it easily, and submit their essay, but I didn’t. Even though I went home, looked for every corner, every draw in my house to find the picture of my father, I couldn’t find anything belongs to him. I just submitted her blank paper. My teacher was very angry, and yelled at me. She thought of me as a lazy student. She asked me why, but I didn’t tell her. I hated being pity by anyone. Because of my stubborn, she even requested my mom come to school, and have a private meeting with her and me. My mom was very angry after hearing I didn’t do the homework. She slapped me hard in front of my teacher's eyes. Why did no one ask me why I didn't do it? I started crying, but it's not because the slap hurt me, just because my own mom didn't understand me at all. I yelled back at her "Have you think about the reason why I didn't do that homework? Because I don't have any memory about my father. I never saw him just once in person, or even just through a picture. How does he look like? How can I do it while there's no any memory about him in my mind? Tell me how I can?" My mom and my teacher were staring at me surprisingly. My mom's tears started rolling down on her cheek that was tan by sun-light. She hugged me tightly, and whisper the same words that I've ever heard a thousand times "I'm sorry, Sulli. So sorry!" I didn't need any apology, I only needed my father. I wanted to have a real family. A family where I can have my father and my mom like other children have.

A few years later, when I got older. I knew the reason. I heard it over as my neighbors gossiping about it. My father left us, and ran away with another woman. He left nothing for us, except this house – a small, nasty flat. Now I got why my mom never mentioned about him. I started accepting the truth that I was a fatherless child. Plus, I didn’t need a father who abandoned his family, and followed his lover. I never asked my mom again about it, and completely erased him from my life. The only person I need now is my mom. To me, she’s my everything. I knew how hard a single mom would be. Delivering child alone, raising child alone that were not the things everyone could do. She got many jobs even working at construction site. She worked extra hours. All purpose of those things was paying my school fee. Sometimes, I realized my existence was just her burden. I wanted to find a part-time job for sharing this burden with her. But she didn’t allow me to do that. She wanted me to concentrate all my effort on study. She always told me “Only studying could change our life. You’re my hope, my everything. I don’t want you have the same miserable life like me”. Therefore, I always remembered what she told me, and tried to get high ranked in school. I wanted to make her proud of me. I swore to myself that I would never let my mom suffering like that. We wouldn’t live in this small, nasty flat. I wouldn’t let her work hard like this. I needed to grow up quickly … grow up quickly.

As the result of studying hard, I got scholarship in one of the most famous high-school in city. That’s my happy moment, yet terrible moment when I knew my mom got lung cancer. Her disease was at the 3^rdstage. Doctor told me she needed special treatment. Looking at her who laying down on the small white cold mental bed, suffering the pain alone. I really couldn’t stand with. All her effort, her shame which she bear – all of those things just exchanged her old thin body and disease. Life was so unfair. Every day she coughed hard with blood in her skinny palm, she still smiled at me, and told me “I’m alright. Don’t worry” No, she’s not alright at all. The death angel could steal her away from me any time. I quitted school, got full-time job. Even working until mid-night. However, my income was enough for her treatment. She lied to her that I still went to school every day.

My mom really looked older than her real age. In my childhood memory, my mom was a beautiful woman with her white flawless skin, and long black hair. But now, the one laying on the bed in front of my eyes, was just a old woman with suntanned skin, exhausted body. There’s no beautiful long black hair before. Replacing that, she must wear beanie every day. Her hair was falling so much. I almost couldn’t recognize that was my be-loved mom. Miserableness and  disease totally changed my mom. She didn’t deserve that.

Walking along street from street alone. I had no clue where I was going. After being so tired, I stopped at a quiet street. I looked around and realized there’re many love motel. There’s a special street for the couple. I felt awkward, and was about walk away. Someone pull me back. I looked back and saw an middle-age man in a luxurious suit. I broke his hand which was holding my wrist. He smiled to me a understandable smile. “Hey, cutie, are you a high-schooler?” I was so scared but nodded my head. He stared at me from top to bottom. Finally, he asked me go to love hotel with me. If I agreed, he would give me a lot of money. The amount of money that he told me, was very large. It’s more than my full-time job income many times. But I was not a e. I pushed him away, and ran away as fast as I could before being caught.

That amount of money kept flying around in my mind. If I had it, I could pay for my mom’s treatment. But I was not that kind of people selling body for money. Next day, I went to hospital and visited my mom. Her condition became worst than yesterday. She couldn’t stop coughing with blood. Doctor told me her life wouldn’t last until next week if she got no treatment. His words were as the knife that smashed into my heart. No, mom couldn’t leave me easily like this. I was willing to do anything for rescuing her life.

That night, I backed to that street to find that man. And I met him. I agreed to go to hotel with him as long as he gave me money. I’d already made my choice. I wouldn’t regret. That’s all for my mom. I followed that man into a hotel. In the room hotel, my body was shriving like standing in the refrigerator. Under the dim light, I saw that man was around forties or more. His face looked like a kind man. Nothing looked like a buyer. But we couldn’t adjust people by their looks. He offered me taking off my clothes. That’s the first time I was in front of a gender-opposite person. I was very scared, but the picture that my mom suffering in the bed kept popping up in my mind. It promoted me to do what that man said. I was so embarrassed, used my hands to cover my body.  As I took off my clothes, his face totally changed. He stared at me like a hungry wild animal which hadn’t eaten for a long time. He quickly took off his clothes too, and jumped into me. I was panicked and just screamed out. The more I screamed, the more enjoy he got. My body felt painful, but I bet it’s not as painful as my mom’s pain. Compare to my mom’s pain, it’s nothing. For mom, I would do anything … do anything.  Even though I felt pain and how much I screamed, that man still ignored my feeling. He kept doing what he wanted to satisfy himself. My ity had gone like this. My first time was supposed to be with the one I loved, not with the strangers. That’s what a sixteen years old girl could do for her mom. As he promised, he gave me a lot of money. Holding this moment in my hands, I didn’t felt happy or anything, but the shameful, and tears. The money was soaked off my tears. He left me alone in the room. I soaked myself into the cold water. I wanted to wash all shame off, wanted to clean that man’s disgusting scent off me. But nothing could make me pure again. “I’m so dirty, I disgusted myself” I mumbled while crying and soaking myself in the bath tube.

I returned hospital, and gave the doctor my money for mom’s treatment. After treatment, my mom’s condition got better, but I knew the only treatment could cure my mom’s disease. I needed to earn a lot of money. My life turned out a different page. A life of a e. 

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