I began a job as professional e. Several times my mom asked where I got money for her treatment. I couldn’t tell her that I sold my body to the men to get money. If she knew the truth, she wouldn’t accept any treatment anymore. I made a lie that I got money from some charity organization.  And she believed me. Every morning I went to hospital for taking care of her, and then I went to my “part-time job” location. Thanks to my youth, and my beautiful face, I had numerous customers. They’re willing to pay a lot of money to have me in one night. The terrible scent of those disgusting men made me want to vomit. Every time I was with them, I felt like I was in the hell. That’s a hell of the shame and the disdain. If I had a choice, I would die right now. But I couldn’t. How’s about my mom? I couldn’t leave my mom like this. She needed treatment. She’s the one who gave me this body. Now I used this body to repay for her. “Mom, please wait for me” I thought to myself while holding this dirty money. I didn’t care if my body felt hurt or anything. I let them do whatever they want to satisfy themselves. I’d already sold my body for this sinful money.  I had no choice to return. I didn’t blame it on anyone because that’s my choice.  

A half of year later, my mom’s condition went worse again. The treatments seemed not be effective with her diseased. Until one day, doctor told me that I should prepare my mental because my mom could leave me at any moment. I couldn’t believe what he said to me. No, I never accepted her leaving me.

-          Tell me how much do you need, doctor? I’ll bring to you. Please, don’t let my mom die – I knee down and begged him

-          Please, don’t do this, Ms. Choi. We tried all my best, but her diseased is at final stage. There is no cure. – he said to me with his pity eyes.

-          No, no … tell me … that’s a lie – I cried at lot

At that night, she’d gone. I exchanged my most important thing, but at last I got nothing. “Tell me that … you just sleep … not die yet” I kept shaking her shoulder to awake her. However, she never replied me anymore. My mom’s funeral was simple, and saddest. We didn’t have any relative or friends. So no one attended her funeral.

Mom was the reason why I tried to earn money. Now she’s not here more. There’s no need to be with those disgusting men. I could escape from that nightmare. But what would my life be without her? All of a sudden, I felt why my flat became so big, and silence. I missed that small flat which was full of the laughter of my mom, and me. I live in a silence and lonely life. No feeling like a machine. Slowly I forgot the reason why I must to live. I back to school in the following year. I only focused on study. I didn’t dare to love anyone else, because I had no faith in love.

One day, I met one person who changed my life. He taught me what the love was. He gave me the reason to be continued in this life. But I never told him that I loved him so much. A e like me couldn’t the right to love anyone. No one could accept dirty person like me. What if he knew I used to be a e? He would turn his back to me, and left me like my mom did to me. But I couldn’t stop developing my feeling towards him. I just stayed by his side as a best friend. Watching him every day was my happiness. I didn’t ask anything more than it. Sometimes, I wished I could rest my head on his shoulder, hold his hand tightly and say his name sweetly “Taemin…"

Taemin’s POV

My tears couldn’t stop falling down; I never expected Sulli had such a traumatic past like this. She never told me about her parents except her mom’s death. I wished I could know it sooner, and then I wouldn’t let her suffer alone. Now everything was too late, she’d gone forever with the secrets that she buried. I was so shock while seeing my name on her note. I never knew the one she loved, is me, because I confessed to her many times. But she always rejected me. She said she only wanted our relationship stop at friendship. She didn’t want to move one. She’s not ready for loving someone.  I also didn’t want to break our relationship, so I remained by her as a friend. Why didn’t you tell me? If you did, I would understand. I wouldn’t care how you once were. I just knew you are always a pure and beautiful girl in my eyes.

Back to Sulli’s Note

I still remembered that day we first met. That was a coldish day last year winter. My class dismissed earlier than usual. So I bought something and went to the park to have lunch. I hated to be home alone. I hated the quiet that creepy me. Therefore I often had lunch and even dinner at the park nearby my house. I was sitting on the white wooden bench, and was about take a hug bite on my hamburger. Suddenly I felt a little bit uncomfortable, I felt like someone watching me. I looked around and saw a boy who was sitting opposite of me, staring at me. His clothes were soiled with oil-paint. His figure was thin, and quiet tall. He was wearing a worn-out back-pack. He looked like a homeless kid. He kept staring at the hamburger that I was holding. Sometimes, he his lips, and had his lips watering. I thought he’s really hungry. I didn’t have enough money left to buy another hamburger, but he looked so pity. I broke my hamburger into 2 half, and gave him another half.

-          Hey, do you want another half? – I asked him

He nodded non-stop like a kid, and slowly approached to me, took it. He gobbled up like an animal that hadn’t eaten many days. He was greedy for food too much to chock over something while eating. He kept couching, and patted his own chest. Immediately, I said “Hey” and threw a bottle of water to him. He caught it and drank it up just in one-shot, then sighed with relief. He finished it and mumbled “Thank you”. I just smiled back, stood up, and walked back home.

During the way back home, I felt like someone stalker me, I got panicked and fasten my speed walking. I turned right in the next concern and found a wooden stick laying on the ground. I picked it up, used it for protecting myself. As I saw the shadow of that person, I smashed it right at his back. He fell down on the ground. I came closer, and took a look. I realized that was the boy just now who I met in the park.

-          Why are you following me? Are you a bad person? – I shouted at him while holding the stick tightly

-          No, No, please … listen to me – he shook his head and his hands

-          But you’re following me. What do you want? I continue shouting

-          I went to Seoul to attend to my university, but my wallet was stolen. I don’t have any relative in here. I have no place to stay. I know you are a good person. I just want to ask you if I stay at your house several days. Once I contact to my parents at hometown. I will not bother you anymore. – he begged me

-          What? Staying at my house. No way – I still weren’t sure if he’s a good or bad person

-          I’ll pay house rent until I get money. I swear – he said

I was also in difficult situation, part-time work could not afford my living cost. But I didn’t want to get back with that dirty job.  So I agreed to let him rent an empty room in my house for additional income. Since then, we lived together in a small, nasty apartment. As his promise, he gave me money for renting room. He is a student of a famous art university in Seoul. He went to school at the morning, at the afternoon and evening, he did a part-time job as a freelance painter in the park. He painted everyone’s portrait to earn money.

Actually I didn’t know since when the love bloomed in my heart. Maybe it started from my birthday day. I returned home with a dispirited mood. I recalled my previous birthdays with my mom when she’s alive. Although, we weren’t a rich family, my mom always celebrates a small party for me. Just 2 persons, my mom and me. I blew the birthday candles and sang the birthday song with her. We didn’t have money for buying something luxury. But the most valuable gift was the birthday cake that she made for me. It’s worth than everything in this life. But this year, there wouldn’t be any birthday party. Because I knew she wasn’t here any longer. No one waited for me at home. So I walked around all the streets, and back home almost mid-night. As I turned the door knob, I saw the dim light from the many candles, and someone holding the birthday cake. He sang the birthday song. I couldn’t help, but crying hard like a kid. It looked like exactly the last year birthday. I felt my heart got warmer. I realized there’s still someone waiting for me at this empty house.

-          OMG, why … why are you crying? Did I do something wrong? – he got panicked and asked me with worry tone

-          No,… I was just too happy – I told him

-          There’s not really something. I don’t have much money to buy something good for you. So I made it by myself. Sorry if it’s not beautiful shape. – he smiled and scratched his neck

-          No ,… it’s very beautiful – I giggled

I lied to him, I would say it’s the first time I saw a birthday cake ugly like this in my life. I bet it’s the first time he made a cake. But I didn’t why I loved that cake so much. While he’s singing the birthday song, he asked me make a wish, and blow the candles away. We had dinner, and ate the cake together. Not only its shape wasn’t pretty, but also it tasted weird. Not sweet at all, pretty bitter, and something burned. But I didn’t want to let him down. I tried to eat it up, and kept raising his talent cooking.

I back to my bed-room, and was shocked when I saw a painting on my bed. That’s my portrait. I called him out, and asked him about it

-          This is … - I said while holding it

-          Um… That is the surprising gift for you. I hope you like it – he said

-          It’s very beautiful, but why did you draw me with angel swings – I asked him

-          That is the moment I feel about you as the first time I saw you. You’re like an angel with invisible swings. You helped me, shared your meal with a stranger like me. Your smile was shine like a beautiful light shining. – he claimed

-          Angel? Am I an angel? – I felt something wrong in my heart

-          But I’m not satisfied with that painting much. I want to draw you with happy eyes. But I never saw you with happy eyes. You always looked depressed and blue all time. I wish I could see those happy eyes. The angel would be more beautiful with happy eyes. So please smile everyday. I wish you will be happy forever – he said everything so sweetly

What’s wrong with those damn fast heart beat? Please, stop making me confused with these feeling. I never felt happy like this in my life. I never met a man said something beautifully about me. But I wasn’t as beautiful as he thought. I wasn’t an angel. I was just a devil who sold my everything for money. I didn’t deserve with that beautiful word.

Since that day, my heart kept beating hard and fast as seeing his smile. No, I can’t fall in love with anyone any more. I wasn’t worthy with the love.  Love only come with good people. I was just a bad person. The past was the past. Nothing could erase the shame in my past.

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Sorry for late update. I'm very busy with my presentations and mid-term exams. Hope you like it.

There will be one chapter left. I'll update soon