It’s dark out by the time Kris gets on his bus to get home, as it usually is.  It’s the same every day, bus to work in the morning, work overtime, and then get off just in time to catch the bus.  Every day his shoulders feel just that little bit heavier and the look in his eyes turns just that little bit more wistful, the weight on his finger just that little bit colder.  He takes comfort in leaning on the window and looking out into the streets, the streaks of lights and cars travelling too fast for him to really see.  It’s mind-numbing and comforting, to not have to think – to not have the constant whir of things he’d rather forget playing in his mind.  Pause, rewind, repeat.  

In the fog of his thoughts he picks up the faint murmurings of Korean, a language that is now so foreign to him that it sends him into a deep swirl of nostalgia.  It’s not pleasant, how he feels.  It’s sadness and regret, and pangs in his chest where his heart is.  It’s remembrance of a childhood that he’d abandoned and dreams that he’s lost.  He placed all his hopes and dreams in the language; it was his new start, but even then it was taken away from him.  Now it’s blood-stained and ugly, it’s screaming and pain.  

Kris closes his eyes and breathes out, condensation slightly fogging the glass.  He reaches into his pocket and takes out his set of earbuds, quickly pushing them into his ears and tries not to think, quieting his mind.  ‘If brokenness is a form of art, I must be a poster child prodigy.’  He drifts. 

The bus jerks to a stop as he lifts his head from the glass and opens his eyes.  He glances outside and notes that there’s still one more stop before his, before turning his head to his other side to gather his things.  From the corner of his eyes he glimpses something so familiar that it sends a shiver down his spine.  A smile with too many teeth, eyes that are a bit uneven, ears that are a bit too big.  His heart beats faster as Kris looks up with a bit of dread and a bit of hope, and a bit of everything else in between.

A smile with too many teeth.  Eyes that are a bit uneven.  Ears that are a bit too big.  

Chanyeol lies down and breathes out deeply, laugh intermingling with his visible breath.  Kris can see him shiver a bit, snuggling into his heavy down jacket, face framed by his faux-fur-lined hood.  Kris feels the drop in his stomach and the racing of his heart, he feels the fondness that makes his cheeks stretch and his lips crack.  It happens so often now that he gets dizzy from the overwhelming feelings, laughter threatening to bubble out alongside Chanyeol’s.  Kris keeps his silence.

‘Hey, did you see that one?  That one over there!’  Kris hums a silent approval as he looks back up to the night sky lit up with specks of falling light.  He thinks he can relate with that, falling.

Chanyeol stretches out his arm towards Kris, letting it lie in the snow, slightly curled.  It’s close enough to Chanyeol that it’s not odd, and close enough to Kris that he can easily intertwine his fingers in Chanyeol’s.  Kris sees it for what he knows it is, an invitation for something more and a promise for something better.
 

Kris doesn’t take it.  Kris is quiet.  He is always quiet.  

They walk together in silence.  Kris thinks it’s a funny thing to see him after almost decade.  A someone that was once so close to him that he was everything.  A someone that was once so close to him that he couldn’t imagine a life without him.  There’s so much to say that nothing is said at all.  ‘Where are you going?  Do you still play the guitar?  Do you still eat like you’ll never have another meal again?  Do you still jerk in your sleep?  How are your parents?  Why are you here?’

There are boundaries that didn’t used to exist now.  Kris doesn’t know what’s okay to say and what’s to be avoided.  It’s been a long time since he’s been this careful with Chanyeol, since he’s had to be this careful.  The pangs in his chest grow a little stronger.  

“So…how’ve you been?  Yifan?”  Chanyeol sounds unsure, like he doesn’t know if he’s even allowed to ask that.  He hasn’t heard than name for what seems like a lifetime ago, not since he left Korea four years ago.  Kris had changed his name from Jiaheng to Yifan after he had moved from China to Korea, for a new beginning.  It’s unpleasant, what that name carries for Kris now, but still, Kris feels a fondness that he hasn’t felt in a long time, his lips so dry they almost crack when he ducks his head down and smiles behind his scarf.  Fondness will be the death of him.  

“It’s Kris now actually.  I’ve been okay.  How about you?  Why are you in Chicago?”  The language is foreign on his tongue, and he trips over some of the enunciation, mouth moving in unfamiliar shapes.  He sees Chanyeol tremble a little beside him, from nerves or the cold, Kris doesn’t know.  Chanyeol is dressed in a black peacoat with a tie visible underneath, puffy down jacket nowhere in sight.  Kris is overwhelmed with the look of this Chanyeol, gut twisting in an emotion he can’t identify.  He’s met with the sudden urge to bring Chanyeol closer to his side and wrap his scarf around Chanyeol’s uncovered face.  Instead Kris clenches his hand in a fist and places it into his jacket pocket.  

“I moved out here a couple days ago, got promoted at the company.  How’s…How’s Yeseul?  I heard you guys got married, congratulations man.”  Kris wonders if Chanyeol can feel that his smile is a little stiff around the edges.

“She’s…”  Kris is conflicted, the truth is hard to swallow but somehow he feels he owes it to Chanyeol.  After so many years, it’s still so hard to lie to him.  “She’s not great actually.  We’re-she’s…”  Kris sighs.  He can’t seem to relieve the tension in his shoulders, so stiff it hurts.  “She got in an accident two years after we married.  It paralyzed her from the waist down, and she was okay for a little bit, but eventually it just got too much for her heart and her body to handle.”  Kris takes a deep breath in before whispering his next words, eyes bright with unshed tears.  “She’s gone now.”  

The breath that Chanyeol takes is sharp, a slice through the chill that’s settled in Kris’ body.  “Jesus…I’m so sorry, Kris.  I’m so sorry, I should’ve been there.”

Kris forces a smile onto his face, a little bitter and a little regretful, “Chanyeol, it’s okay.  We hadn’t talked to each other in what, two or three years before that?”  ‘Four, actually,’ Kris thinks.

“You couldn’t have known.  It was after we moved to Chicago, so it was pretty much just us on our own.”  

For the first time Kris can remember, Chanyeol is silent.  He’s still silent as he stops walking and tugs at Kris’ arm, pulling him into a hug, pressing silent tears into his jacket.  

The thing about Chanyeol is that he is the hardest person in the world to avoid.  He’s always there, even when you don’t want him there.  It’s one of Chanyeol’s qualities that Kris has always been fond of, because Kris hides away from the world at every chance, yet he’s always wanted to be found.  They walk back to Kris’ apartment before Chanyeol slips away with a careful smile and a gentle ‘goodbye’.   It’s not too surprising then, that Kris wakes up to the ring of his doorbell, the sound reverberating in the space that is now a bit too big, and a bit too cold. 

Chanyeol settles in on the couch with bagels for breakfast and a laugh that is a little less guarded and eyes that are just as bright as Kris remembers, and the apartment that’s been empty for so long is a little fuller and brighter.  

Warmth seeps through the cracks and settles in for the winter.

Chanyeol stops by every morning to pick Kris up, since he’d realized that Kris was one of the managers of the company that Chanyeol works at.  It feels just like high school back in Korea, when they were both much younger and they spent their days together.  Kris can’t find it in himself to mind as Chanyeol laughs and his cracks grow a little smaller.  He doesn’t mind when Chanyeol shows up unexpectedly at night to drag Kris out to some restaurant that he wants to try, or when he shows up with popcorn and a movie in hand, and settles his head in the crook of Kris’ neck, Kris’ arm rested over Chanyeol’s shoulders.  He doesn’t mind when Chanyeol slips and calls him Yifan and when he has to gently admonish him because it’s not a name that he really wants to remember anymore.

“Krissyyy” Kris can’t hide the annoyance on his face as the door to his office opens to reveal his secretary, Luhan, with a lilt in his voice.  As Kris glances at his desk and sees the stacks of files and looks back up at the nuisance that’s appeared, Kris is almost sure that Luhan is the devil.  “I heard that you adopted a stray!  How could you keep this information from your bestest friend in the whole wide world??”  The door opens wider as Luhan drags Chanyeol in, arm hooked around his neck.  Chanyeol is crouched down, mouth in a pained grimace.

Dread fills Kris’ body as he watches the smirk on Luhan’s face only grow bigger as Kris stumbles on his words.  “I-you-…what?”  His face settles into its default setting of I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-please-explain-what-the-?? that he always seems to be wearing when Luhan is involved.  

Chanyeol’s smile is a bit sheepish and his cheeks a little red as he raises his hand and slightly waves, a bit out of breath, before grimacing as Luhan jerks down.  “Hey…sorry for bothering you?”  

Kris can feel his mouth relax into a smile and almost misses the sparkle in Luhan’s eyes.  Kris has known Luhan for a year now and if Kris is sure of anything, it’s that the crazed look on Luhan’s face is never a good sign.  He groans before dropping his forehead down onto his desk with a loud thunk.  He doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this.  “Luhan, let him go, please.” His voice is a little muffled with his face still on his desk.  

“Kris, did you just whine?”  Chanyeol’s smile is incredulous, laughter threatening to spill out.  

“What are you talking about?”  Kris’ face adopts its what-the--are-you-saying setting.  Kris does not whine.  He does not.  Kris is too worldly and sophisticated and awesome for that.  Whining.  Whining!  “I’m not even going to respond to that.”

Luhan laughs as he lets Chanyeol go, crazed look still on his face.  “Let’s go out to the bar tonight!  We can celebrate Kris finally having another friend besides me!”  Luhan turns his head towards Chanyeol, “And Amber, but I don’t think you met her yet.”

Chanyeol’s eyebrow quirks at Amber’s name, “Amber?  Are you dating?”  

Kris splutters in his haste to reply, “Amber??  She’s like my sister!  She pretty much is my sister!”  He watches the ends of Chanyeol’s mouth curl upwards as he laughs, and Kris’ stomach twists uncomfortably.  

Kris drops his weight onto Chanyeol next to him, head nuzzled into his shoulder.  He inhales and nuzzles closer.  “What are you doing?”  Chanyeol shakes a little as he laughs, Kris’ head bobbing along.  It sounds far away, the sound of Chanyeol’s voice, muddled in the fuzz of his brain.  He turns his head so his mouth is resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder. 

“Mmm drunk.  You smell good.”  Kris smiles into his shoulder, laughter bubbling from his lips.  It feels like he’s surrounded by Chanyeol and his scent.  It’s a nice feeling, he thinks.  Luhan sits across from the spectacle, sipping on his beer.  

“Kris is a clingy drunk, Chanyeol.  You better run while you can.”  He laughs and takes another swig of his beer before weaving through the crowds to the dance floor.  Kris hums in pleasure as he takes another whiff of Chanyeol and grabs the beer that Luhan abandoned, downing it as the bar seems to spin around him.  

He gets up and tugs Chanyeol alongside him, who is possibly even more drunk than Kris is, and points towards the dance floor.  “Dance!  Let’s go!”  Chanyeol doesn’t seem like he can stop laughing as Kris pulls him along and settles his weight against Chanyeol, swaying to the bass that shakes the floor.  They’re moving slower than the beat, but Kris is too drunk to care; too comfortable gently swaying with Chanyeol.  

Chanyeol leans his head onto Kris’, laughing, “This is usually the point when I bring someone home with me.”  Kris can’t think of any reason why that would be a bad idea.  (He can think of a million reasons.  He just can’t bring himself to care right now).  They laugh and laugh as they stumble out of the bar and hail a cab.  They keep laughing as they fall into bed and Chanyeol slips his hand under Kris’ shirt.  

Kris can’t remember why this is a bad idea.

Kris wakes up , one arm under Chanyeol’s head and half covered by the duvet.  His head pulses as he takes in his surroundings and blanches as he remembers everything that happened yesterday.  He softly groans as he sinks back into the pillow and wonders how he could’ve messed this up so horribly again.

Kris quietly gets up and pulls on his clothes.  He makes breakfast and sets a note against it, as if using food as a peace-offering would make everything okay.  

‘Nothing’s changed from back then, my answer is still the same.  This was a mistake.  I’m so sorry.’

Chanyeol fidgets under Kris’ gaze, uncharacteristically silent, biting his lips and muttering under his breath.  Kris had panicked when Chanyeol had pulled him out of the classroom and to the back alley between the buildings of the university buildings without a word.  He panics now because he thinks he knows what Chanyeol’s going to say, and he had hoped that Chanyeol would never gather the courage to admit it.  

“I...like you.  In a more-than-friend way.  In an ‘I’d like to get a dog with you’ kind of way??”  Chanyeol says it like a question, like he doesn’t know if this is wrong or right.  Kris’ heart drops to the pit of his stomach. 
 

“Chanyeol…I’m not gay.”  Kris wonders if Chanyeol can tell that his heart is breaking.  He wonders if Chanyeol has learnt to read past his poker face yet.  He’s always had trouble with that.

Chanyeol’s face sinks pitifully at Kris’ words before forcing himself to smile.  “It’s…That’s okay.  That’s fine.  I just wanted you to know.  It doesn’t have to change anything.  It won’t, right?”  The smile looks pained, and it’s not Chanyeol.  It’s not right.
 

“Yeah.  It doesn’t have to change anything.”  Kris bites his lip as dread curls in his stomach, eyes getting damp as Chanyeol’s nose turns red.  It’s a telltale sign that Chanyeol is on the verge of tears.
 

Kris leaves without pulling Chanyeol into a hug like he usually would have done if Chanyeol were to cry.  He leaves and doesn’t look back.
 

They stop talking two weeks after that.
 

It’s déjà vu, as Kris takes great lengths to avoid Chanyeol; he makes Luhan tell him that Kris is too busy, leaves at irregular times, doesn’t even answer the doorbell.  His sleep is fitful, in a way that it hasn’t been since before Chanyeol came back into his life.  

He goes out to the café with Amber in tow, settling in a booth at the back of the room.  

“I ed up.”  Kris groans as he throws his head back onto the seat.  “I ed up and now I don’t know what to do.”  Kris tells Amber everything that’s happened, Amber judging, but still sympathetic in the way that keeps Kris talking as he usually does.  

“Do you like him?”  Kris’ eyes dart down to his lap as he fidgets.  

“But Yeseul-“ 

“Kris.  Do you like him?”  

Kris’ voice is quiet as he answers, eyes downcast.  “It’s not that simple.  Amber, it’s not that simple anymore.”  His voice cracks.

“Where’d you go tonight, Kris?  Who did you go with?”  Yeseul screams until her voice cracks with a sob.  

“Nowhere, Yeseul.  I’m married to you, why would I go to dinner with someone without telling you?   I just had to work late at the office tonight.”  Yeseul shakes in her wheelchair, body trembling with the force of her sobs.  Kris kneels down in front of her and cups one of her hands to his chest as Yeseul weakly beats her other fist against his shoulder.  Kris takes it in stride as he always does.  He deserves it, anyways.  

“I hate you.  I hate you so much.  I hate you.”  Yeseul repeats her words like a mantra, like if she says it enough it will be true.  Or maybe it is true and Kris is just in denial.  Yeseul’s sobs dissolve into quiet, choked whispers.  “Don’t leave me.  Please.  Don’t leave me.”  

Kris feels as if he’s choking, the air cut off from his lungs.  “I won’t.  I won’t.”  He repeats it until she settles down, falling asleep in exhaustion.  

The next time that Kris sees Chanyeol is a week and a half later, with Luhan refusing to be his go-between anymore.  

Chanyeol fidgets, biting his lips, quiet in a way that Kris has only seen one other time.  Chanyeol’s nose still turns red when he’s about to cry, and Kris forces himself to keep his distance.

His lips tremble a little, and Kris can tell that Chanyeol is trying as hard as he can to suppress his sobs.  “It’s not fair.  It’s not fair that you can come back in my life and make me love you even more than I did back then.  I thought that this time I’d be okay, because it’s been so long.  It’s been so long, I should be okay and I don’t know why I’m not.”  

Chanyeol shudders a bit now, as the chill settles back down in Kris’ bones.  “I can’t do this right now Kris.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.  I let you leave last time because I thought my feelings made you uncomfortable.  You don’t get to do that this time, Kris.  This time I’m gonna be the one that leaves you.” Chanyeol steps back out of his office, hesitating as if waiting for Kris to stop him, before closing the door behind him.

He leaves before Kris can attempt to say anything, and he’s glad for it.  Kris won’t let himself fix this.  He can’t.

“I never wanted to hurt you Yeseul, and I’m so, so sorry I did.  I do love you, please Yeseul, don’t hate me.”

Her smile is a little shaky now, worn out and thin, but Kris still thinks she’s beautiful.  “But not like the way you love him right?”
 

Kris sees the unspoken words in her eyes, a silent accusation against him.  “But you were enough,” Kris chokes out his words, sobs wracking his frame as he slumps and rests his head in her upturned palm, resting on her bed.  “You were always enough.  I do love you, even if it’s hard for you to believe.  I will always love you, Yeseul, don’t ever forget that.”
 

Yeseul’s eyes soften as Kris looks back up, eyes soaked with tears.  The look in her eyes almost makes him turn away, but he remembers that he owes it to her to be brave.  The guilt is enough to swallow him whole, he doesn’t deserve Yeseul’s love.  He doesn’t deserve the way that she looks at him.
 

Slowly, Yeseul brings her hand up and Kris’ head, fingers threading through his locks of hair.  Yeseul has always been comfortable, and even now in her deathbed, she is still that same comfort that Kris fell in love with.  She is warmth and sunlight and everything beautiful.  Her lips tilt upwards a bit, eyes dancing with a light that Kris hasn’t seen in a very long time.  “It’s okay, Kris.  Thank you.”  
 

Yeseul slips away that day, as people the people in Kris’ life are prone to do.  
 

Kris is a mess.  He sips from the beer can in his hands and, finding it empty, lets it drop to the floor before getting up to grab another one, hand rubbing his face to get rid of the grogginess.  His floor is littered with beer cans, and briefly wonders how much he’s spent on alcohol since the incident with Chanyeol.  It’s been a month since Kris has talked to him, but he’s happy to see that Chanyeol still looks fine when Kris spots him at the company.  

“, you need to get yourself together, Kris.  You can’t just drink your life away.”  Luhan barges into the apartment with the spare key that he’s never gotten around to returning.  “I get that things went badly with Chanyeol, but that was your fault.  You can fix it, you know.”  Luhan picks up some of the cans around Kris, gathering it into a plastic recycling bag.   

“Luhan, shut up.”  Kris has been listening to the same speech from both Luhan and Amber for the past few weeks, but they just don’t understand.  They don’t get it.  

“ing fine, Kris.  Drink your life away. See if I care.”  Kris jolts from his sharp tone, and watches Luhan walk out the door and slam it behind him.  Kris contemplates apologizing, but he’s so tired.  He’s so tired of people walking away, even if he understands.  

Kris lies down on his couch, too drunk to move.  He thinks he feels a hand run through his hair and a soft ‘Jesus Christ, Kris.’  Blearily, he blinks open his eyes and sees the blurred image of Chanyeol kneeled down at his side.  Kris smiles.  Even if this is a drunk hallucination, he’s happy to see Chanyeol again.  “Hi ‘Yeol.  Missed you.”  Kris’ eyes close again as he drifts, but he thinks he hears a whispered “I missed you too.”

Kris’ head pounds as he wakes up, stomach rolling in nausea.  He pauses for a beat before pushing himself up, and following the smell of eggs coming from his kitchen.  “Luhan, I’m so sorry for yesterday.  I know you-“  Kris stops as he enters the kitchen and sees someone that is definitely not Luhan.  “…Chanyeol.  What are you doing here?”  

Chanyeol takes the eggs from the stove and sets them on a plate on the table before turning to Kris and answering, “Luhan called me.  Gave me the key to your house and told me you were trying to kill yourself.  I have to say, he wasn’t that far off.”  Chanyeol takes a seat before sighing as Kris takes the seat in front of him.  His eyes are downcast and upset, nose just the slightest bit red.  “What are you doing, Kris?  Why are you doing this?”  

Kris props his head up on his arm resting on the table, watching Chanyeol speak.  “I realized I don’t want to live without you.”  Kris pauses to see his reaction, but Chanyeol is resolute in keeping his gaze fixed downwards.  “I thought I’d be okay this time again, without you, but it’s so much harder than it was the first time.  I couldn’t go explain myself to you because you don’t want that anymore, right?  So just let me be, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol looks up, anger in his eyes.  His tone is sharp as he speaks.  “You don’t get to decide what I want, Kris.  You’ve made me suffer so much, I think I deserve an explanation.  I’ll decide what I want to do after that.”  

Kris is quiet.  He understands what Chanyeol wants from him, and he thinks that maybe he’s ready to tell him now.  It’s been so long, and it hurts so much without Chanyeol now.  He thinks that even if he’s betraying Yeseul, he has to take any chance he can to make things right with Chanyeol.

Kris starts off in a whisper, the sound too loud for the silence.  “When I was younger, I lost my dad.  Do you remember asking me about him and how I didn’t answer?”  Chanyeol nods mutely, eyes still ablaze with anger.  “He walked out on me and mom when I was fourteen because he found out I was gay.”  Chanyeol’s eyes widen a bit in realization, anger disappearing.  

“Is that…Is that why you rejected me back then?”  Kris purses his lips, eyes downcast.  It’s so hard to remember that life, as Jiaheng. 

“My mom was angry.  I was angry.  My mom didn’t like him or me, because I ruined her life.  She shipped me off to Korea and I became Wu Yifan, under my mom’s maiden name.  I never really heard from her after that.”  Chanyeol is upset now, angry on Kris’ behalf.  It makes his eyes soften in adoration to see that the hurt that Kris had gotten back then that he couldn’t be angry over, Chanyeol is now angry about on his behalf.  “I met you when I was fifteen, remember?  And you were my best friend.  I had no one else, and I never wanted to lose you.  But then you confessed when we were in first year of university, and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be with you.  Me being gay ruined everything, Chanyeol.  It ruined my life.  I was so, so scared.”  Chanyeol starts crying then, letting sobs shake from his lanky frame. 

“Then I met Yeseul and I became Kris.  I lost you, but she was comfortable, and I loved her.  She made it the easiest thing, to love her, because every part of her was beautiful.  She made me feel better about myself and about how I left you, and she soothed the parts of my soul that made me feel like I was dying.  I loved her.  It was impossible not to.  But then she found some old pictures of us from back in the day, and she just knew.  The guilt was so heavy.  I couldn’t lie to her about that, so I told her.”  Kris can’t look at Chanyeol anymore, the shame so heavy on his shoulders.  He’s disgusted with himself, he truly is.  He’s a despicable human being.  

“She kicked me out of the car on our way home, and then I got a call that she’d been in an accident.  She got in that accident because of me, Chanyeol.  She died because of me.”  It’s hard to breathe, the sobs making Kris’ body shake violently.  “I thought that I was right.  Being gay ruined my life again.”

“She changed after I told her what happened, and after the accident, but I couldn’t hold it against her because I loved her and I betrayed her.  She would cry and scream about how I was cheating on her, and how I must be sleeping with some guy because she’s handicapped now, and then she would beg me not to leave her.  It was the same argument every time, but I understood because I broke her heart, and I never wanted that for her.  She deserved everything in the world.  When she died, she said she forgave me.  I’ve never been able to accept that because I hurt her so much, but I want to.  For you.”  Kris’ tears flow easier now, thinking about Yeseul.  She deserved so much better than he got.  She certainly deserved more than Kris.   

“And now we’re back here.  Full circle.  I can’t stop myself from loving you, I’ve never been able to.  And now I’m tired.  I want to be with you so badly, Chanyeol.  Even if it feels like I’m betraying Yeseul.  I don’t want to force myself to live without you.  I’m sorry.”  Kris forces himself to look up at Chanyeol, but Chanyeol’s face is buried in his hands, crying muffled.   

They sit like that for a long time; Chanyeol crying into his hands and Kris watching him.  Kris doesn’t know how he feels, but all he knows is that the weight on his shoulders is a lot lighter than it’s ever been. 

When Chanyeol finally moves, he reaches across the table to where Kris’ hand lays, and hooks his pinky around Kris’.  “Full circle.”  Chanyeol’s cheeks are dusted pink, tear track marks still visible, and Kris is sure that his are too, as warmth sooths the chill in his body.  Kris doesn’t know if he’s ever made Yeseul as happy as she ever deserved, but he hopes that she’s at peace now where she is, because Kris thinks he may finally be at peace with himself.

Kris wakes up with Chanyeol curled around him, legs tangled and Chanyeol’s head rested next to his own.  Chanyeol’s nose is still pink from all the crying, but he smiles a bit in his sleep before turning onto his back.  Kris watches him as the sunlight filters in through the blinds, strips of light shining on him, before bringing Chanyeol closer to him and sinking back into the bed.