I found it hard to part with Wendy even though it was basically our first day together. It is stronger than I thought. The attraction, my feelings, the comfort. 

I have been an obedient girl in my life –  for the sake of my parents, my family, my life. But as I grew up, I started to come to an epiphany that I am not happy with what I have and who I am. While people around me say I couldn’t ask for more, every single one of them. 

True, but they’d never know I am just another porcelain doll for display. I have been trying to make some changes for myself and just when I thought I could finally be free, they set up me with a guy. A son of my father’s friend or something. Sounds familiar, ain’t it?

All the things in my life are pretty much expected, scripted even. That’s what my parent want exactly. Just be a good girl, a good wife, a good mother. I know they are upset that I quitted the job they arranged for me. I know they are upset that the dates they arranged never turn out well. But I am upset too. I am upset that they’d never ask me –  what do I want? 

 

That night he asked me to spend the night at his place. We had a couple dates before and I can see that he is a decent guy. He even bought me an expensive ring as a gift at the second date right away.

But I don’t like how our conversations are mostly about his job, his hobbies, his cars; how our dates are all about being fancy and high-class; how he looks at me like I am one of his many trophies. 

It sickened me, repelled me with such thoughts. I excused myself and got onto a cab to the nearest bar.

 

Clubbing is not totally something unfamiliar to me. I had some fun memories clubbing with my friend when I was studying overseas, which was again my parents’ decision to send me there.

I am always fascinated by the carefree people there, just throwing everything away and indulging in their own sensations. I wonder they would ever care about something, anything when it is daytime? But wouldn’t they be lonely?

Would they long for someone to understand them, to hold them tightly, to care for them? Like I do?

 

Then I saw Wendy. It was not hard to notice an attractive girl sitting alone at the counter, surrounding herself with white fumes. As if she isolated herself from the crowd with clouds of smoke. I could tell her mind was somewhere else.

I was intrigued to know what made her so melancholic, what brought her there, what story she has. I wanted to know, if we are the same kind of people.

She must have felt my stares and I finally got to see her eyes. They were so limpid, even amid the smoke and the lights, that I could almost see her soul from her eyes.

 

She turned away very quickly. If she were really one of them, she wouldn't do so. I knew then, she was afraid that I would really see through her. She knew I could read her. At least I believed so.

 

I had found this person and I was not going to let her slip away. I tried my best to brainstorm some cool pick-up lines but it turned out as unnecessary. She could read me like an open book. I felt so in front of her. Though this was exactly what I was looking for.

She wanted me as much I wanted her. She called me rebellious and that’s what I liked to hear. Everything she did was so right.

When I asked for her name after the night, she gave her answer right away. When I said I might fall in love with her, she smiled. When I hugged and kissed her, she responded with the same intensity.

Everything was natural. No reason, no explanation needed.

If it isn’t faith, if there isn't love, why would she let me stay the whole morning after, why would I find it so hard to leave?

 

“Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand.

But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man.

 

These nights never seem to go to plan,

I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?”

 

- “Stay With Me”, Sam Smith

 

I want to be with her. This sounds crazy since we have only known for days.

I don’t know what does it take to be with her. I have been cheating on my alleged boyfriend but I would forget how guilty I should be feeling whenever I am with her. 

 

I just know I have been getting away at nights to meet her. I would willfully text her out of nowhere. But she would still come and pick me up where he drops me, or where I manage to flee to, every time.We would drive through the city and hit random places, we would sit by the bay and tell each other things which happened to us lately. 

I would follow her back to her place and sometimes nothing happens. She would settle me down and go back to her work. And I would find her dozing off in front of her notebook, and grab a cover for her. I would sit by her side and watch her sleep.

At times, I would weep out of the blue.  And she would lend me her shoulders, she would stay by my side until I smile again.

These little things are already enough to let me know that her heart flutters too. 

Yet it hurts me when I saw you attending the theatre show, but when we are both with someone else. It was his idea to take me here for an opera. It hurts me when you saw me too but looked away.

There you are, sitting at the other side and occasionally chatting with your company. I wonder what your relationship is but I guess I have no right to ask. After all, who am I to you while I am still with him?

I am absolutely no mood to hear him blabbering about how good the opera is and its boring history. I just steal glances of you, hoping you would look back at me too.

Come and tell me I am not the only one. Why won’t you look back at me ?

 

“Yes I do, I believe.

That one day I will be, where I was,

Right there, right next to you.

 

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark,

The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you.” 

 

- “Lay Me Down”, Sam Smith

The beautifully dressed actors, the love songs, the cliched romance on the stage, only remind myself that I am in love but not knowing if she would want me in the same way.

I just want this opera to end and leave this place. As for Wendy, she is still having her eyes glued on that damn stage. But then, my ears perk up as the female lead sings.

 

“Think of me, think of me fondly,

When we've said goodbye.

 

Remember me, once in a while,

Please, promise me you'll try.”

 

- “Think Of Me”, Phantom of the Opera 

 

She is now looking at me with the smile I have been longing to see. 

Here she is, inviting and so familiar. Almost feels like the home I never have but dreamt of a thousand times.

 

I heard that there are two possible types of people who can’t look at you in the eyes - someone who is trying to hide a lie, and someone who is trying to hide a love.

I would like to believe she is the latter. But back to reality, how does she really think of me? 

I would like to believe she isn’t one of the players in those wicked games.

 

“Think of me, think of me waking,

Silent and resigned.

 

Imagine me trying too hard,

To put you from my mind.”

No, I wouldn't even try to put her from my mind. 

I would never be resigned ever again, resigned to that “perfect and ideal” life people have created for me. I would rather sail all the ferocious seas with her, than being a wife of a unloving husband in a grand mansion.

But would she feel the same, would she take me and run away with me?

 

“Are you feeling alright, Joohyun-ah ? You look uneasy.” He turns to me as his hand feels the fabric of my skirt.

“I’m just tired.” I fidget on my seat and he retrieves his hand by fixing his collar.

“It’s going to end but we can leave now if you want to.”

“It’s okay.”

 

I know they have all noticed how I have been acting strange. But as I am still going out with him, my parents would keep their mouths shut.

Wendy is still watching the show. And I am not leaving with him. I don’t want her to get the wrong message.

 

Instead, I should leave him.

But I need to know if she is there to catch me when I fall. She'd never say she likes or loves me, and it scares me.

 

Out of the blue, there is a buzz from my pocket. 

“It’s my patron.” 

I want to reply but there is another. 

“By the way, he looks handsomer than I thought.” 

I look her way but all I see is a pair of sullen eyes and a smile that I hate, a fake one.

So I type my reply, “I don’t like him at all.”

“I couldn’t get you sometimes, Irene.”

“Just take me away from here. And call me Joohyun.”

 

“I need my time to figure things out too, Joohyun.” 

“When?” 

“Just not now.”

“Can I stay with you for tonight ?”

 

“Can I lay by your side, next to you, 

And make sure you're alright.

 

I'll take care of you,

And I don't wanna be here if I can't be with you tonight.”

 

The show is finally over without me knowing.

“Joohyun-ah, how’s it ?”

“It’s good, but I’m just not that into operas.” 

 

“I’m sorry, how about movies next time?” He smiles timidly as he follows me outside.

I stop once we are outside, away from other people. “There won’t be next time.”

“What’re you saying?” His tone stiffens, not as gentle as before.

“I need to sort things out between us.” So do mine, I am not backing down.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” He gets slightly embarrassed since passerbys cast us curious looks.

“It’s me. And can’t you see how our dates are always about you? Have you ever thought of me?” I sigh as I walk away.

“But your parents wouldn't like it.” His words make me turn on my heels, almost too fast that I almost trip.

“Is it a threat?” I straighten my posture, trying not to be intimdated. “They are not me. I didn't ask to keep seeing you. I’m sorry, and, goodnight.”

Not waiting for his reply, I make my way. I don’t want to hurt him actually. He isn't that bad of a person. Perhaps it is why he just leaves me be.

I head to the farthest exit and immediately spot a slim figure in a black coat leaning on a black car, shining in the dark. “Son Seungwan.”

She shakes her hend and opens the car door for me, “What's up with your kink with Korean names?”

“So it feels closer to you calling you so." I gladly hop on.

 

“I’d never know you like operas. Shall we take off before your boyfriend sees us, Joohyun?” She starts the engine and chuckles.

I really like her voice, it brightens my mood just by hearing her speak, “It’s his idea.”

“I see.”

“I don’t like him, Seungwan.”

“I see.”

“It’s not what you think.” 

It is chilly at night, and Wendy isn't helping at all by driving a convertible.

“You don’t feel close to me? Sometimes?” She asks rather nonchalantly while making a swift turn at a fork.

I want to explain myself but words just feel flat. Her side-profile pains me to see as she grows thinner these days. And I want her to look back at me, and tell me she loves me too.

 

“I’m sorry.” She just apologizes so suddenly as she slowly pulls up by an empty avenue. “I’m sorry, Joohyun-ah.”

“Why are you...... What are you apologizing?” And that sends me to hell just to think of the possibilities. 

“Because,” Heaving a long deep sigh, she then gently places her hand on my trembling one. “I think I am falling in love with you too.”

“Then you don’t need to be sorry.” I intwine them right away.

 

“Would you ever blame me?” She is still looking at the steering wheel, not sure what to say next.

I reach out for her cheek, “Why would I?”

My prayers have been heard as she holds me with that look in her eyes, “You have a great life waiting you...... And I’ve never felt something like this before. It scares me.”

“It's not great without you. And I just miss you so much tonight.” I know her habit of overthinking is dangerous so I am stopping it with a peck on her lips.

 

“I just feel like I am ruining everybody’s happy life. Yours, his, your parents. Just for the sake of my happiness.” She sighs as she presses her palm against the compartment door, fighting the urge for tobacco.

“I am happy when I am with you. There’re a lot more daughters from wealthy families he can pursue. And, my parents shall be happy for my happiness.” I reach out to hold her hand, which make her smile a little.

I’m fine with everything as long as she’s here with me.