Shaking Heart

I don’t clearly remember when it started nor when it ended, although I clearly know I won’t be able to escape easily in your labyrinth

Just like any other night, I lay motionless despite the thickened sound of my breathing.

Each little things, either one with pulse or not is damn still, albeit the sound from the stereo that cuts through every silence is getting in my nerve. I shifted to other side of the comforter, not even a tad bit distress with the cold air biting my .

It wasn’t the music nor is the loneliness that ticks me off this time, of course not, this one is way more ed up than the others. I crack an eye whilst reaching the ringing device on the side table.

I regretted opening my phone at that very moment. If only I can just throw the device to the wall, or why make life harder when I could’ve just let the call pass.

Too late, I’ve accepted the call

If someone could see me right now, they would’ve thought I’m an idiot for trembling too much like someone is on for the kill. I can feel wet beads trickling down from my forehead. What’s so hard with talking to people?

 

“Hey Lu, it’s been a while. “

No response

 

“What are you doing these days?”

Still, no response

 

“I suddenly miss you so much”

 

Words that I don’t want to hear. Words that stirs my guts. Damn I should’ve slept with the music on full volume.

 

“…wait for a bit, I’ll get dressed”

 

Was the reply of my quivering lips.

I ended the conversation.

I ran my fingers through my already dishevelled hair as I let out a sigh of regrets and anger. I took the hoodie from the closet and headed out.

It didn’t take long to see you from a far. You’re still beautiful as ever, and also confusing.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Where have I seen this situation? Oh right, not long ago.

You say you’re sorry and that you didn’t left me. Is this our forever routine?

Although I would be lying if meeting you doesn’t make me nervous.

But here I go again

Standing like a fool in front of you while blood is pounding, painfully, in my ear.

Why am I doing this? Were the thoughts that replays in my head whenever I hold your hands like this.

I had myself together but now that I see you, it all crumbles down.

Though I know about you and him,

 I’m still holding onto you.

Still wiping your tears from your rosy cheek.

And I’m hugging you – again tonight, my heart is shaking.

This is a never-ending pain and I can’t handle you. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m going crazy. What do I do? I’m still in love with you

Of course, I don’t want to be like this but my heart is betraying me.

Don’t do this, don’t do this

Why am I so stupid?

I listen to you say things that you don’t even mean. You come into my arms and into my embrace. Silence fills the piercing atmosphere until your phone rings.

“Hello? Min, where are you?”

I should’ve known

You disappeared again…