The 6 Ways of Fighting Loneliness

“Why does being famous have to get in the way of everything?” Jaejoong groaned, pitching his cell phone across the room so it hit the back of his couch and landed on the cushion with that gross scrunching sound that came along with leather. It had been exactly three weeks and two days since he had last been able to see Yunho, and there was still no end in sight. He'd thought when he called to tell him that his rehearsal schedule had been unexpectedly canceled for the weekend that they'd be able to see each other, particularly since the copy of Yunho's schedule he had pinned to the fridge door was also blank for those days, but Yunho had burst his bubble by saying that some SM corporate event had popped up, and they all needed to be there as a matter of formality.

“They're doing this on purpose,” Jaejoong had snapped into the phone, even though he knew it wasn't Yunho's fault. “I swear to god, they know when I'm free and make up stupid things for you to do just because.”

“You're also always busy when I'm free,” Yunho pointed out.

“Also part of their plan. I warned you that if you stayed-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Look, I'll try to pop over some evening soon. Just don't go out and get drunk or anything if you're bored. And if you do... don't do anything stupid.”

“Getting drunk and doing stupid things go hand in hand.”

“Then don't go. You're getting too old for it, anyways.”

“Too old?” Jaejoong asked, appalled. “I'm not even thirty yet! And, you, I'm barely older than you. What do you do, tuck the kid in by eight and go to bed by ten?”

“No,” Yunho said quietly. “But in another life, I might have at this age.”

That thought had sobered Jaejoong up, and he'd hung up feeling incredibly disgruntled. The last thing he needed to be reminded of was the fact that if one or two choices in Yunho's life had changed, they would have never met each other, and Yunho would have probably ended up a 9-to-5 dad and they would have missed out on a whole new world of happiness, heartbreak, and complicated passion with each other. Another life, my , he thought, biting into his lip. This is the one we ended up with, and even this way, I hardly get to see you...

He got up and crossed the room. He hadn't even been planning to see Yunho that weekend anyways since he'd previously had schedules, so it wasn't like he needed to feel lonely, or anything. He'd just call someone else and go out and do something. He grabbed his phone and started punching in Heechul's number. Wait... the event Yunho was going to was an SM corporate event, so he'd be there, too. Gunhee, then? No, Heechul would probably find a way to drag him, too. The amount of hair emergencies that guy could fake was extraordinary. He tried texting a few of his other friends, but they had other things going on and weren't up for anything last minute.

As a last resort, he called Junsu. “Want to do something?” he asked.

“You're joking. We've had a gazillion rehearsals, and you still want to see me? Have you fallen for me, or something?”

“Ew. No.”

“Good. I'm not in the mood to be chewed out by someone's jealous lover.” He paused. “We've been busy. Can't you just veg out in your apartment? You've earned the break.”

“I'll feel lonely.”

“You have a cat.”

“I wanted to see Yunho.”

Junsu fell silent. “Mmmm. Well, knowing you, it will be hard to find something to do without thinking about that, then. You're single minded when you want something.”

“Compliment or no?”

“It depends. Anyways, just take it easy. And don't do anything stupid. You have to be hitting your limit of acceptable times it's okay to call your lover while drunk and whiny.”

“Whiny?” Jaejoong snorted. “He said the same thing, though.”

“You'll listen one of these days.”

Jaejoong hung up and glanced around the department. It was already clean and decorated. He'd already eaten and didn't feel like cooking. There wasn't a cat in sight, and he was too lazy to look in the usual hiding spaces. What was one supposed to do when they were lonely? Besides write songs and go on social media to complain about it, of course.

“I feel so aaaallll aloneeee,” he hummed under his breath, throwing himself down on the couch and pulling up the web browser on his phone. “What to do when lonely? What do you say, Google?”

Soul searching. “Not happening, I don't need to be lonely and depressed.” Call a doctor if you're feeling depressed. “Nope, nope, not getting depressed again.” Realize that there's nothing wrong with having time to yourself, and you're not a loser. “Of course I'm not a loser. I'm Kim Jaejoong.”

Finally he clicked on an official looking list. The first item on the list made him burst out laughing.

Figure out what's missing in your life.

If you're feeling lonely, something essential may be missing from your life. What is it? Are you purposefully isolating yourself and distancing yourself from people? Have you broken off contact with your loved ones?

“Not anymore,” he hummed. “But let's see, what's missing from my life...Jung Yunho. Copious amounts of ...”

Still, it could be worse (much worse, as in still not talking to each other, crying at night while drunk out of the mind worse). When they did get to get together, it was very good. There was something to be said for a build up of and the borderline destructive release during their breaks in schedule. Occasions where they were both cleared of schedules were few and far between, but when they did have the time, they took full advantage with some bed-to-the-floor action that essentially left Jaejoong in a state of delirious shambles. He had to be careful to leave a recovery period where he didn't have to go out with hickeys in a state where he could barely walk, but sometimes it was kind of fun to do it anyways and see if anyone noticed. Yup, this is just pelvis inflammation from biking too much. Nothing to worry about.

“Mmmm, I miss it,” he murmured, pursing his lips. When he was younger, he had always been selfish for kisses, wanting them onstage even when he knew they couldn't, but still trying to tempt them out of him anyways. And now he isn't even here anymore. He'd had it so good and hadn't even appreciated it. No wonder everyone said youth was wasted on the young.

Moving on...

Call someone you love

Feelings of loneliness can be heightened by feeling alone both physically and mentally. Get in touch with someone you care about, and fill yourself with the knowledge that even though they may not be there at that exact moment, you are loved.

“But everyone's busy,” Jaejoong whined. Junsu would hardly be thrilled if he called again, too. He tried Yoochun, but his phone was turned off. His mother's line had a busy signal. He thought about calling one of his sisters, but it was getting close to designated nap time for the kids, and they'd most likely kill him if he interrupted it.

He texted Changmin instead. I LOVE YOU, CUTIE <3 <3

There was a pause before Changmin texted him back. Did you mean to send that to Yunho?

Nope. I LOVE YOU.

Are you drunk?

Nope. LOVE YOUUUUU.

I'm entirely indifferent to you.

Eh????

Yunho hyung is moping right now. You always do this.

I'm moping, too.

Keep your moping away from me, please.

“All the people I love are little s,” Jaejoong informed the list. “Make me do something else.”

Move your body.

Feelings of loneliness often go hand in hand with feelings of stagnation. Get yourself moving and energized, and you may just shake off that empty sensation and start feeling positive about yourself.

“OK. I do this enough in rehearsals, but OK.”

He grabbed his iPod and put it in the docking station, setting it to the old TVXQ songs. It always felt weird to go through the motions that were once so incredibly familiar, but now felt... not forgotten or any less familiar, but certainly more distant. Like someone you talk to out of the blue who you haven't seen in years. You had to sink back into it, and it felt awkward at first, but once you got going, you wondered why you were apart so long in the first place.

It felt even weirder knowing that it wasn't quite like that for Yunho and Changmin. They danced these same songs onstage, without them. There was no ban in place for them, which was good in a way-- better that someone was doing them rather than no one at all-- but still odd that it was a special ritual for him and still second nature for them.

He worked through the kinks in his body, and brought himself into the movements little by little. “ you, SM, I'm dancing to the songs I'm not supposed to~~” He sung out. He thought of all those hours in practice rooms and MV shoots that culminated in being able to perform these very same steps. Was it worth it? He thought of the fans and the feeling of performing for them. Yes. It was worth it. He even missed it to a certain extent, even though he could still perform new songs and new dances. Not the long hours, not the throbbing limbs and borderline emotional breakdowns when he couldn't get it right. But the five of them doing it at once, and the way that looked. He didn't think he'd be involved in anything so unified and perfect again.

And even though it was just him, it still felt good. And sad at the same time. Just like everything, he thought, a bit regretfully. That's the way it is now.

Watch a new television series

Fill the physical space you're in with dialogue and engaging stories, and you probably won't even realize you're alone to begin with. If you're opposed to having quiet time to yourself, nothing's wrong with doing something special to fill it!

He glanced at his watch. He technically had the time to binge watch something, but he didn't think he was in the mood for it. He was antsy, for one. For two, he was still sweaty from dancing, and there was nothing like sweat paired with the leather couch (not that he hadn't made love on it before-- it just happened to be very sticky, scrunchy, and uncomfortable love, but Yunho had started kissing him when they were supposed to be watching Jaejoong's drama together, and it was an awfully long walk to the bed).

He'd watched Yunho's drama recently, though. Yoochun had laughed his head off because Jaejoong had started throwing popcorn at the actress who'd been involved in Yunho's dating rumor half-way through, but Jaejoong reserved the right to act like a brat when he felt like it. It didn't bother him that much. As long as he was the only person who could kiss Yunho without running the risk of hearing “NG!” after it, it didn't matter.

But there were times it still got under his skin. Not the rumors-- they'd been putting up with rumors from day one, nothing new-- but the fact that people like her actually got to spend time with him, enough time that other people could talk and speculate about it. Sure, people could try to do that with the two of them and did, but it wasn't the same. They could be together, but couldn't be seen. That was the lonely thing. Wherever they were, there were always walls closing them in. No freedom. No openness.

All that, and I'm still the one he wants, though, he reminded himself, not without a little bit of amazement. I should have just eaten that popcorn. I have something no one else, not even that girl with all her freedom, can have.

Meet new people

For some people, only human connection can dispel feelings of loneliness, so if you can't be around the people you want to see, why not go out and discover new people? If you're lonely due to a less than satisfying love life, take that step and put yourself out there.

This suggestion linked to dating and meet up sites, which Jaejoong clicked merely out of curiosity. He scrolled through the pages of guys critically. God, but he was so lucky he found Yunho, even through their several breakups and heartbreaking moments. What was with the dating scene these days? Did it really get people in bed faster if you went on and on about just your physical charms-- which was definitely a stretch, in some of these guys' cases-- without even touching upon anything you interested in or who you were?

He thought back to his early days with Yunho. Sure, it had been a lot of dream chasing at the beginning, but they had easily reached a point where they could talk to each other about anything and have it feel completely comfortable. Falling in love had been somewhat gradual on his side, and practically glacial on Yunho's, but by time they'd gotten together, they'd known each other almost disturbingly well. They hadn't even had until they'd completely done away with all the we're bandmates and were friends, this is such a big step feelings. It had been a long process, on a whole. Years long, if you started it from the moment they first met. Just thinking about doing it again was exhausting. Even before they'd forgiven each other, he hadn't planned on finding another love; all of his songs from then were very firm in the idea that it could only be just the one person, and he was glad now that he had stood by that.

He didn't think meeting new people had anything to do with solving this kind of loneliness. He'd met plenty of people, and had plenty of friends. But they were just that. There were some places in his life they just couldn't fill.

This is getting pointless, Jaejoong decided. I still want to see him. Regardless, he looked at the last item on the list.

Distract yourself with something you enjoy doing

Some people are extroverted, and lose energy spending extended time by themselves. If this describes you, you should start realizing your worth as a companion by working on something that you find fun-- and can do by yourself.

Jaejoong glanced around the apartment and spotted a basket with a half-made scarf resting inside, remnants of his mother's visit from a few days ago. She'd started knitting it while they were talking, pointing out that he never seemed to wear enough in the winter, but she'd left before she had the chance to finish. Jaejoong took up the knitting needles and picked up where she left out, sinking into the mindless pattern of repetitive movements. He wasn't sure if this was something he particularly enjoyed doing or not, but it was relaxing. Plus it was something Yunho had always liked about him, how good he was at crafty things. That had gone to his head when he was younger, and he'd tried his best to perfect everything as if to tell Yunho See, this is why you don't necessarily need to date girls when you have me. He wasn't sure if that in particular had helped, but he had enjoyed whenever Yunho went off and bragged about him on camera. Now he was mentioned usually only once a year, and very vaguely at that. It was more if you counted the times Yunho obliquely referenced old 'girlfriends', which Jaejoong didn't because Yunho liberally edited those instances from what had actually happened.

He spent the next few hours absorbed in his knitting, even switching out colors to create a cute little bear design at the bottom, which he was impressed he even remembered how to do. It was getting close to dinner time, and he was just about to wrap up when the phone began ringing. Oh good, someone finally has some free time for me. But when he locked down, the name on the screen was Yunho's. “Done already?” he murmured. There was no way. He knew SM events, and they didn't just get out early. Maybe Yunho had gone to the bathroom to sneak in a phone call. Jaejoong grabbed his cell and practically slammed it against his ear.

“Yunho-ah?”

“Hey babe, are you busy? Or drunk?”

“I just knit you a scarf, actually.”

“Did you? What kind of scarf?”

“Red with a bear on it. You should wear it next time you go the airport. Which is in...” he glanced towards the fridge- “three days.”

“But I'm not seeing you before then, am I?”

“No,” Jaejoong grumbled. “I'll just give it to Yoochunnie, then.”

“Hey, hey, hey, calm down. I was just teasing. Guess what?”

“What?”

“I snuck out.”

“You what?”

“I got out. Of the event. They already took photos of everyone, and then they put us at the same table as Super Junior, so I just kind of slipped out thinking no one would notice.”

Jaejoong stared at the wall blankly. “That doesn't sound like responsible, duty-first Jung Yunho.”

“You only have yourself to blame. You sounded lonely on the phone, and I got lonely thinking about you.”

“I've just spent the past few hours getting over it, and you're calling now?”

“You're getting mad at me for that, when you do the exact same thing yourself on a regular basis?” He paused. “I'm taking a taxi over. Are you going to wrap up that scarf for me, or not?”

Jaejoong shot to his feet. “You already know what it is, though.”

“Fine, then. I'll just unwrap you.”

“You're staying for the night?”

“Do I have any good reason not to?”

Jaejoong grinned widely. “All right, then. I'll put dinner on. Get your y over here, Romeo.”

He hung up the phone, not feeling the least bit lonely anymore. Stupid list, he thought to himself, bounding to the kitchen. There aren't six things you need to do to fight loneliness. There's only one.