Kim Hana. That’s the name.

 

All my life, I’ve felt different, wrong.  I’m not different in a sense that I dress differently, I’m not different in a sense that I talk differently. I’m different inside.

 

My older sister gets at least ten calls every day. I don’t.

 

My younger one gets at least fifty likes a picture on her facebook. I don’t.

 

When we’re all together. People surround them. I’m all alone.

 

This is how it has been the last nineteen years.

 

It’s not that I don’t try to fit in, I do. I try to sympathize with girls who’s boyfriends left them but it’s not natural sympathy and it doesn’t come off as one. I might force myself to tell them, “It’s okay” but inside, all I’m thinking, “Stop being a drama queen.”

 

Is that called being fake?

 

Maybe I am fake.

 

There’s also this problem I have with small talk. I can’t small talk. It’s just not my thing. Every time it happens, I start zoning out and forget to laugh at the right time, thus causing the other person to feel offended.

 

There’s this guy that I have (had?) a crush on. Kai is very handsome. But also very friendly, polite and cool. We went to the same high school and we were placed every year in the same class. I had originally expected him to fall in love with the nerdy and not feminine me…you know, like in these famous dramas they have on TV. I just waited and waited for him to be intrigued by my “uniqueness” but it never happened.

 

This is real life, remember?

 

Anyways, when he asked the popular Jung Krystal out, I felt betrayed for the first ten seconds but then got over it quickly. Because, hey! I didn’t make any effort to interact with him. I just waited. I guess the saying “Good things come to those who wait,” doesn’t apply in this occasion, eh?

 

Wait, this isn't everything that's wrong about me.

 

Did I also mention that I’m kind of, sort of insensitive? Yes, Insensitive. if I go to a funeral for example, I do not cry. In fact, if I remember a quirky joke, I laugh. Yes,That is very rude and insensitive, I’m fully aware of that.

 

But, that is me, you know?

 

I think I’m evil.

 

Nope, I am evil. 

 

How can you be like this, Kim Hana?

 

But I never wanted to be evil, every time I’m in my room by myself. I promise myself to become more outgoing and sociable, but it never happens.

 

Things will be different tomorrow, I promise myself every night before I go to bed, only to end up breaking that promise the very next morning.

 

Things will be different tomorrow, I pray.