“Can you pls talk to me?” said Lee Jong Suk as he reclined listlessly against the passenger seat of his own sedan that was being driven by the man with the sweetest and most serene smile in the world. But the silence that hung inside the car was smothering Lee Jong Suk. The man sitting next to him could well have been an alien or thousands of mile out of reach for him. He wanted so bad to connect with the mind and the heart behind that beautiful face that he found his voice and the desperation drove him to be reckless.

Sebastian glanced to where Lee was but unable to make eye contact for Lee was looking out of the window. “What do you mean?” he asked, unable to read the meaning in his eyes.

“Just talk to me. Tell me what you like or what you dislike. What your life is like. What do you do? What are you thinking? Just…talk to me.”

Sebastian tried to figure out if it was the rambling of a pharma addled mind. But He couldn’t take his eyes off the road for long.

“What do you mean, Lee?” he asked gently, genuinely confused.

“You know, I hear them…………I hear them all. The makeup artist has a teenage daughter, who got into boy trouble at school, the production assistant has a girlfriend who is pressurizing him to pop the question, the set designer’s mom has Alzeimer’s, the photographer is stoked that he might be asked to do an international lay out, the stylist thinks his boyfriend is cheating on him…………..I hear everything. They talk over me, around me but never to me. They treat me like a living mannequin….or may be just a mannequin. They don’t talk to me, confide in me or tell me anything. They think…I am a doll…..they just dress me up, layer pancake on my face and send me out on the parade!”

Sebastian felt the sigh that echoed in Lee’s heart blow right through him. He glanced at Lee but his eyes were still fixed on the passing scenery.

“Don’t you have any friends, Lee? School friends? College friends? Work friends?” Sebastian thought it was the crash from the artificial high that was making Lee talk that way. He did not know too many young people, who were not surrounded by friends, especially if they were famous and good looking like Lee was.

The silence stretched for so long that Sebastian thought that Lee had fallen asleep. But he caught the calm and resigned tone when he finally spoke, “I am not from this city.”

Sebastian wanted to give Lee a chance to shake himself out of the funk that was ruling his mind. Sebastian couldn’t speak empty or lofty words to cheer somebody. He fell back on honesty to reach out to Lee.

“Well, neither am I. Although, I have lived in this city, more or less, for altogether 15 years, I don’t have too many friends either. Mike is a friend. You remember him, right?” Sebastian caught the little distracted nod from Lee.

Sebastian continued, “So don’t you have somebody like that? You know, somebody you talk to regularly? Hang out with? You don’t need a lot of friends. Just a couple of good ones should be enough.”

Lee seemed to be deep in thought. Then he spoke up rather abruptly, “I have an agent but we are not friends. We just…work together.”

Sebastian was approaching the heart of the city, so he needed a destination to drive to. He opened the issue softly.

“Lee, where do you live?”

“I don’t want to go home.” Lee answered, almost protesting.

“Well, it’s too late to go anywhere and you need to sleep, I need to go home….” Sebastian couldn’t finish his sentence.

Suddenly, there was a flicker of interest in those listless eyes that were Lee Jong Suk’s. He sat up and looked at Sebastian like an eager listener. “What will you do when you get home?” he asked.

Sebastian was amused and taken aback at that question, something an inquisitive 5 year old would probably ask, because their world is filled with seemingly inane questions. He decided to play along to humor Lee.

“Hmm…need to shower, probably could do with a glass of wine, read for a while…and put together something to eat, if I feel like it.” And then something occurred to him, “Lee, did you eat? Is there dinner waiting at home?”

Pat came the reply, “Why? If I didn’t and there’s none at home, will you take me home and cook me dinner?”

Sebastian looked over and saw the Boy smirking. He was irritated and uncomfortable, faced with the candid question. He tried to come up with an inoffensive but noncommittal answer.

Lee scoffed at Sebastian’s silence and discomfiture, “Relax. I will not follow you home.” He leaned back in his seat with a twinge in his heart. How could a man sitting right next to him be as far as the stars in the sky are? He wanted to lash out blindly.

“You know, you owe me though.” Lee noticed the confused look from Sebastian and proceeded to elaborate, “You made me leave behind a night that promised a warm body next to mine. I would have preferred talk but would have settled for touch instead. Just not to be alone once in a while. I was all prepped and excited. Till you charged in like a gallant knight.”

Sebastian swallowed hard, frantically trying to find an answer to Lee’s complaints. But before he could help himself, he blurted out, “Excited? Could’ve fooled me, Lee. You were as excited as a rag doll, thanks to the pills and alcohol. And you were ready to go off with a stranger! You thrive on risk or something? Is that a turn on?”

Lee’s eyes were unusually bright as he listened to Sebastian. He decided that it was time to go big or go home. As much as he had come to like the beautiful and kind man sitting next to him, he was far outside his league. Perhaps it was good way to let go. Everything ends badly because it has to end.

“I am sorry to have offended your sensibilities. You must forgive me. Please park at your convenience…wherever…. and you can leave.” Lee used polite speech but his eyes were challenging and a sneer played on the corners of those beautiful scarlet lips.

Sebastian pulled his foot off the gas pedal, the indicator and slowly brought the car to a stop on the shoulder of the road. He put the gear in parking mode and cut the engine. Unhurriedly, he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned in the driver’s seat to face Lee. Using the voice that he usually did to calm down squabbling participants in a meeting, he asked what was on his mind, a straight shooter that he was.

“Alright Lee. You got my attention. Stop behaving like a five year old and tell me, what is your beef with me? What are you so angry at? Yes, I suggested that you leave but I did not twist your arm or nag you to leave. You came willingly. I think, even you know that you are in no condition to be anybody’s fit company tonight.”

Lee only got angrier at what he perceived as a patronizing tone. “I am not picky.”

But in his heart, he knew that he left with Sebastian because he liked him a lot more than that French man, who was trying to take him to bed for the night. He would have gone too. Truth was that he took the pills and downed three glasses of wine, only after he had encountered Sebastian in the men’s room.  Sebastian had been friendly and kind but had made no overtures of friendship. As Lee had watched him leave, it was not lost on him that he was never going to be his friend. They belonged to two entirely different worlds. He wanted to forget the longing that had overtaken him. The first time ever, when Lee Jong Suk longed after a man.

It was Sebastian’s turn to scoff, “So it would seem. Lee, do you not have a boyfriend…or…..girlfriend….a partner…a steady partner?” Sebastian did not want to aggravate the situation by shining a spotlight on his conclusion about Lee’s ual orientation and who knew, the guy could play for both teams. “If you miss companionship so much, it’s an easy fix.”

Lee held his gaze and asked breathlessly, “Do you have one?”

Sebastian was taken aback by the sudden question. Lee’s eyes seemed vibrant and his body posture was tightly coiled, as if he was holding his breath till he got the answer. Unknowingly, Lee had stepped into the details of his life and he bristled irrationally as if Lee was actually privy to his casual dalliances and was judging him for it. Suddenly, his own words of advice to Lee sounded hollow to him. But he had never been this desperate or foolish in pursuit of a casual partner.

Sebastian was prickly and defensive when he replied, “What does that have to do with anything? I have a life that keeps me busy. I don’t miss…..companionship…..that much. I work for the most part, I travel, I read, I have hobbies and I have a few friends. So, I don’t miss a companion’s presence.”

Lee Jong Suk looked at Sebastian probingly, “You never miss anyone special?”

Sebastian’s mind filled with the image of a boy, who had been his first love. His departure from his life had left him scarred and devastated. Over time, his mind had devised a way to suppress his memories from haunting him every day. It was just too painful. Even after almost 20 years, he didn’t want to think about it too much. Sebastian didn’t want to discuss him with Lee. But he knew that Lee reminded him of him, in certain ways. For instance, right now, when he was being unreasonable and emotional.

Sebastian turned in his seat and looked straight ahead, through the windscreen. He was drained, suddenly tired of fighting with his heart and battling the feelings that Lee evoked in him.

“It’s not that easy. Relationships are hard. Sometimes I feel that I am too old to start from scratch. But you are young, much younger than I. It is easier for you.” Sebastian meant every word he said.

Lee was quite as he took in everything that came through in those sincere words. All of a sudden his own angst was forgotten. He wanted to reach out and envelop Sebastian in his arms. He did not want him to hurt because something ached inside him to see him sad. He wanted to reach out to him and tell his that age had nothing to do with it.

“We all have our own demons. But we still try to forget those, if only for a little while because we crave companionship. For once, to know that we can connect with another person, to feel cherished, even if for a few hours. I wish it could be for longer, for months, for years……forever. But I will take a day, a night or even a few hours. Just to feel human, in another human’s presence.”

Sebastian was surprised beyond his expectations to hear such deep, heart wrenching confession from such a young man. He turned to find Lee leaning back with his eyes closed, resignation writ large on his relaxed lithe frame. Perhaps, in spite of his inexperience due to his youth, he had been an astute observer of human frailties. He was seeing this beautiful young man in a sudden new light. Sebastian regarded Lee and felt something in him that was becoming disconcertingly familiar to him.

He spoke very softly “Lee, what do you want to do then?”

Without opening his eyes, Lee answered honestly, “Stay the night with me. It doesn’t matter where. Just stay with me till the sun rises and we can all go back to our own little corners.”

Though it sounded like a proposition of rather dodgy kind, Sebastian knew enough of the background to realize that it was not necessarily so. Had it been so, he would have flatly turned Lee down. He sighed and capitulated to the idea, not entirely displeased with the thought, if not exactly excited.

“Alright. And where do you suppose we spend the night?” Sebastian shifted into his ‘man of plan and action’ mode.

Lee opened his eyes and looked at Sebastian, still a little disbelieving that he was not averse to his rather daring proposal. He wanted to play along and see if he would backtrack. In fact, he wanted to push the envelope and see at what point Sebastian would let his reservations win over his good nature.

“Where ever you want……..in the car, under the stars, in a hotel room, at my place, at your place” Lee didn’t miss the slight tension that showed up on Sebastian’s face when he mentioned private spaces, “Your choice…I am game for anything.” Lee finished with a casual flair and seductive smile, feeling naughty as to how his statement could have a more risqué meaning.

Sebastian stared at the beautiful Boy, who seemed to have regained some of his mojo and looked pleased as punch at his own little wordplay. They both smiled at each other at the same time, sharing the double entendre.

Lee spoke first, “What the hell…I will pay for the poshest hotel room if you want to stick to neutral ground. After all, it won’t be the first time that you would spend the night with me. And I won’t mind if you strip me down again.” He gave a sly wink, which made Sebastian dissolve into laughter. Lee felt light hearted at the sound of Sebastian’s mirth.

“Or we can keep it all ‘straight’ and you can take the bed this time and I will take the chair.” Lee continued in the mock serious tone, keeping up the naughty wordplay, drawing chuckles from Sebastian.

Sebastian was smitten with this witty side of the Boy. He unthinkingly reached out and pinched Lee’s cheek in a strangely sweet and endearing gesture that warmed Lee’s heart.

“Alright Mr. Smarty pants! Speak sense now. Hotels…are out. Should we drive to the coast? A nice drive to see the sunrise over the waters?” Sebastian proposed.

Suddenly the residual smile and the twinkle in Lee’s eyes were wiped off and he tore his gaze away from Sebastian’s face. His voice dropped to barely a whisper and he mumbled an answer that was, in no way, weak in intensity.

“No, no! Not the sea. I hate the sea. Please, somewhere else. Anywhere else.”

Sebastian noted the sudden change and knew that there was something more serious than just plain dislike behind that statement. And he regretted prompting the change in mood, even if unknowingly. He wanted the smiling Boy back. So he changed gears fast.

“Alright. Let’s not do that then.” Sebastian lightly touched Lee’s shoulder, trying to get him back from the dark mood that he had slipped into.

Suddenly, Lee spoke up without thinking, simply because his heart’s desire reached his lips, before his brain could intervene.

“Would you like to come to my home?” As soon as the words left his lips, Lee knew he had just set himself up for the worst rejection of the night and possibly a dead end to the tentative rapport he was building with Sebastian.

Sebastian stiffened at the rather bold offer. He did not want to go into someone’s private space. That was a little too intimate for someone he barely knew. But looking at Lee, he knew that if he turned him down, it would hurt him beyond any measure. He reasoned that so far, Lee had not come onto him in a serious way. Sure, he looked enticing and he was amenable to suggestions but he calculated he could deftly handle any advances or awkward situations, should need be. At least, it would be better than being in public places.

“OK. Tell me the directions.” Sebastian started buckling up, trying not to give in to his misgivings.

Lee was stunned at Sebastian’s answer. He tried to think if he had actually heard the words correctly or his overactive and eager mind had conjured up his heart’s wish to appease his loneliness. Sebastian felt almost pity at how unblinkingly shocked Lee looked. He wanted to gently assure him that he had meant what he had said.

“Come on. Let’s get you home.” Sebastian smiled at how flustered Lee seemed once the truth of the words set in. But Lee recovered enough to fiddle with the GPS attached to the dash to set the course for the most unexpected journey of the night. Sebastian pulled into the desolate traffic lanes with absolute ease. Both of them kept quiet, the silence inside the cab was infrequently punctuated by the metallic voice of the GPS, guiding Sebastian at the wheel. Lee kept glancing at Sebastian as if he was half expecting Sebastian to pull over at any given moment and declare that he had changed his mind. And he didn’t even know that he was holding his breath till Sebastian pulled into his building’s parking basement. He exhaled almost noisily and started guiding Sebastian to his allotted parking space.

Sebastian parked perfectly straight, cut the engine and met Lee’s eyes for the first time since he had started driving again after the long stopover. He could see Lee’s face was still anxious, his eyes filled with nervous energy. Sebastian smiled to put him at ease and assured himself in his mind, “Here we go. In for a penny, in for a pound.” His calm words to Lee gave nothing away as to what was on his mind.

“Shall we?” Lee seemed to be a daze and only nodded in answer.

Both of them got out and Sebastian handed the keys back to Lee. That little gesture seemed to signify something more to Lee than just a simple act. To his mind it seemed like, for the first time in that evening, Sebastian had handed him the power to lead. That galvanized him into action and he straightened up in spite of his nerves and pointed to the nearby elevators.

“This way” he said confidently, leaving Sebastian to follow him. And he did, even if after a moment’s hesitation.

The ride up was devoid of any small talk and both men, due to some unspoken understanding, hogged the two extreme corners of the carriage. Lee stepped out and led Sebastian to his apartment door. He was excited and nervous since this was the first time ever that anybody else besides him, was to set foot over the threshold of his apartment. He could feel Sebastian standing behind him as he punched in the entry code to his apartment. He held the door open and ushered Sebastian in with a shy smile. Sebastian stepped in with a nod of his head.

The very first roadblock to the evening’s impulsive plan materialized just inside the door. Lee realized that since he had never planned on inviting anybody home, let alone on the spur of a moment, so he had never bought guest slippers. He was embarrassed and his cheeks flushed.

“Um..err..I don’t have guest slippers. Would….would you mind wearing mine?” Lee stammered out through his mortification.

Sebastian was amused at Lee’s discomfiture. “Tsk, tsk! You are not much of a host, are you?”

Lee blushed beetroot from the base of his neck to the roots of his hair, which made Sebastian smile impishly. Lee’s eyes darted everywhere but directly at Sebastian as he tried to explain.

“It’s just that I don’t have visitors much….I mean….I never had visitors before. I never thought….you…are my first visitor…in this apartment.” Lee looked briefly at Sebastian and said sincerely, “I am sorry. I should had thought about this before. I am really sorry.”

Sebastian didn’t want to torment the already miserable Boy anymore and he took off his shoes and entered the hall sans the customary slippers. Lee almost jumped in front him to bar his way. Before he knew what was happening, Lee was crouching on the ground, lining up a pair of well-worn house slippers in front of his feet.

Sebastian assured Lee that it was entirely unnecessary. But it seemed like Lee was not going to stand up till Sebastian reluctantly accepted the slippers. What he didn’t realize that Lee was now acutely aware of how short sighted his invitation to Sebastian been. For the first time, he could see how badly set up his apartment was to entertain anybody, let alone a man of refined taste like Sebastian. As he hesitantly led Sebastian into the big room, the glaring emptiness of the room needled him for the first time.

His visitor was perplexed at the stark look of the place. There was minimal and there was empty. This room screamed empty. Empty of furniture, empty of personalization and empty of warmth. The walls were bare and stark white. The windows were covered by industrial strength off white blinds. The huge floor space only dotted with two pieces of furniture, a sofa and a coffee table. There was wall mounted TV but it looked like it had never been used since the soft bubble wrap was still on.

Sebastian didn’t want to pry but he was curious. He pointed a careless thumb at the TV and asked jokingly, “Not a fan of the idiot box, I take it?”

Lee smiled and shrugged, “Came with the apartment. I don’t have the time.” He moved into the kitchen area and opened the fridge. Digging into his little stash, he took out two cans of beer. Nothing fancy, just a popular and department store brand. He hesitated to offer one to Sebastian. But he reasoned that it was better than nothing for that was exactly the choice. He had no tea, coffee or soda. He half turned to see that Sebastian had come closer to the fridge and was leaning against the kitchen island. Lee shamefacedly held out one can and muttered in an apologetic tone.

“I don’t know, if it will suit your taste or not. But unfortunately, I don’t have anything else. As I said I don’t entertain….ever. I am sorry.”

Sebastian took in the bare kitchen counters and the like-new granite slab atop the island and surmised intelligently.

“And I take it that you don’t like cooking either. Don’t tell me you survive on fast food or is it the regulation ‘model diet’? Lettuce and tomatoes? That stuff can kill you as well.” Sebastian opened the can even though he didn’t care for beer in particular and definitely not the popular canned stuff.

Lee smiled and wordlessly turned to open the freezer door for Sebastian’s inspection. Sebastian could spy what seemed to be vacuum packed lumps of indeterminate colors in plastic packets, stacked one upon another. He looked at Lee questioningly.

“What’s that?”

Lee smiled like he was answering an ignorant child and explained patiently, making sure that he used particular words to make it seem impressive.

“Precooked, premeasured for calorific content, nutritious blend of select protein and vegetables. Each serving makes a perfect dinner portion for a man of my size. Cooked in ultra-hygienic, state of the art kitchen. Recommended by dieticians and doctors for maintaining perfect body weight and nutritional levels.”

Sebastian smiled at his carefully phrased description for what was basically TV dinners. He grimaced.

“Awful! Even sounds tasteless. TV dinners but at least TV dinners are tasty if not healthy. And you don’t even watch TV!”

Lee shrugged for he knew that his dinners were basically just to fill his stomach and make sure that he was maintaining his weight and physique rather than to please his taste buds. He took a swig from his beer and knew that the next morning he had work out extra to make up for it. It was all about the looks. His looks was his meal ticket, even though his meals were the most unappetizing kind. The irony of his success as a model!

Sebastian was truly intrigued now. It was unusual to find a young person, who was not surrounded with the latest electronics. He had to ask.

“So, if you don’t watch TV, how do you entertain yourself?”

Lee smiled like he had a secret ace up his sleeve and was carefully considering sharing it with him. Lee pointed through the blind covered slider doors on one side of the great room and through those, led Sebastian to his open space. Sebastian was shocked that it was rather huge for a verandah. Lee Jong Suk seemed to have very unusual taste in choice of his abode. And there in the middle of that huge expanse of space which afforded a nice view of the pretty well to do neighborhood, were two nondescript chairs and an equally run of the mill side table, all made of molded plastic, the kind that they put in front of neighborhood shops. Sebastian was glad that that it was dark outside otherwise, he couldn’t have schooled his expression not to betray his perplexity at Lee’s choice of décor. Aren’t all models the epitome of fancy and refined taste all around?

Nonetheless Sebastian accepted Lee’s offer of a chair and soon he developed an appreciation of the peace and serenity that he felt surround them. Sebastian’s plush pad afforded the same but because it was almost hermitically sealed from the outside world and well insulated with layers of fabric, wood and stone. This was distinctly different, being outside, in the open, feeling the breeze on one’s skin and being able to take in the view of the heavens above. They sipped their drinks in silence, enjoying each other’s quiet company.

After about half an hour, Sebastian felt compelled to speak, given the very late hour and that Lee seemed absolutely happy to stay the way they were, for the rest of the night.

“Shall we get some sleep? I would have to log in some hours tomorrow and I will be useless if half asleep.” Sebastian smiled ruefully.

Lee nodded and after a moment’s hesitation, got up and so did Sebastian. Lee led the way to the only bedroom in the apartment and pointed to the attached bathroom.

“You can wash up if you want. I don’t know whether you would like to change into some sweats. I can lend you some of mine. They are clean.”

Sebastian chuckled at Lee’s offer, “Don’t worry about it. You are looking at a man, who has crashed many a nights on the office sofa, dressed in his best suits.”

But he did step towards the bathroom and was surprised again. The bathroom was most luxuriously built in stark contrast to the rest of the house. Sebastian was curious beyond words by now. But he decided not to add further awkwardness to an already unusual and awkward night. He stepped out, after finishing his business, to find Lee waiting with a wooden hanger in hand.

“I am sure you don’t want to crumple that fine jacket of yours.” Lee held out his hand, clearly expecting Sebastian to hand over his jacket.

Sebastian proceeded to shrug off his jacket and noticed a make shift bed on the floor next to the king size bed. He caught Lee’s eyes as he finished hanging up Sebastian’s jacket on the closet door pull and nodded to it.

“What’s that for?’

Lee stuck his hands in the pockets of his sweats and answered defensively. “Well, I don’t want either of us to take the sofa. That’s just too far from……each other. This will suit just fine, close enough but not too close.” Lee smirked as Sebastian felt a little embarrassed that Lee had read his unease about the prospective sleeping arrangement.

Lee continued in a brooking-no-argument voice, “You will find the bed comfortable enough, I think.”

Sebastian felt ashamed that he was behaving like a blushing . He had shared a bed with perfect strangers for an evening, for a few hours, many a times. At least, he had spent more time with Lee in comparison and as Lee had pointed out, they had already, technically, spent a night together. He wanted to try his bit to put himself and Lee at ease.

“But…..” only he couldn’t finish as Lee looked him right in the eye and interrupted him.

“Have you ever slept on the floor?”

“What? Um…no…but that’s not…” Sebastian was interrupted again.

“Well, that’s what I thought. I have, many, many times. So, don’t worry about it.” Lee said in a matter of fact tone.

Sebastian rolled his eyes at Lee’s presumption and was determined to finish his say. “I was not offering to swap. I think we can share this big bed comfortably.”

It was Lee’s turn to look at him flabbergasted. He did not expect Sebastian to come up with such a bold offer. Sebastian was pleased to knock the know-it-all attitude off Lee and added impishly.

“I promise not to take advantage of you.”

Lee was still a little dazed so he answered honestly to Sebastian’s jesting.

“I am sure you won’t. It’s just that I can’t promise the same.”