It's been two weeks since B.A.P has disbanded, he feels bad for the fans, he sees their messages and it breaks his heart when he reads that they miss them, will never forget about them, will support them no matter what. They can't be idols forever, they've grown up and want to settle down. Daehyun's wife, whom he married two years ago, is pregnant and naturally, he wants to be by her side and spoil her. Youngjae's getting engaged, Jongup wants to introduce his girlfriend to his parents, Junhong has a scandal on his hands because photos of him and his recent lover were taken while they were on a date and were published by Dispatch. Their maknae is sick of hiding, he wants freedom, he's twenty-eight and people are still offended to learn that he's getting laid once in a while. He told Yongguk that he wants to tell them to all go themselves and shout that he's a human being and has the right to love. Instead, he holds a press conference and apologizes to the fans, he'll be anouncing his solo debut in a few weeks, he knows he can't affort to act cocky right now.

Yongguk hasn't seen Himchan in a month, ever since their breakup. After disbanding, Yongguk wanted to take him to France or Italy. He wanted to tell their parents and their friends, flaunt their love for once. He knew it could put their future job in danger but there always were rumours about them spreading around, their CEO didn't listen to them anymore as long as they worked hard and brought cash in. They would all continue working under TS, as vocal trainers, choreographer or producer in Yongguk's case. Yongguk wonders what Himchan will be doing. He wonders if Himchan still thinks about him like he does. He's sure he does. He's sure he still loves him. Yongguk misses Himchan. Yet he can't forgive him, he can't forget, he can't stop imagining Himchan with a faceless woman in his arms.

Yongguk is starting his job as a producer in a few weeks. He's going crazy, he wants to write lyrics but he can't get his words on paper, he wants to talk about heartbreak and emptiness but his thoughts aren't organized enough. These days he cries a lot, gets drunk when his ex's absence feels unbearable and feels like he'll go begging at Himchan's door. He can't wait to start working again, he has too much time on his hands, too much time to remember.

Yongguk let's himself get lost in music when his new contract with TS starts. He's doing okay. Until he sees Himchan in a practice room with some trainees, the latter avoids looking at him. Yongguk is a mess again. He works twice as hard.

***

Himchan coughs awkwardly. Yongguk can't look away, can't move.

"Hey, Yongguk-shi. Long time no see."

Yongguk didn't know he had missed this : Himchan calling his name. He doesn't even care that Himchan is being stupid right now. His heart is beating like he's ran a marathon, he's feeling nervous all of a sudden, it's just plain weird. Himchan has this effect on him although he shouldn't because they've both moved on.

Yongguk remembers Junhong's words again : "you're still in love with him". And . , Junhong was right. He's so ing screwed.

His brain is in overdrive but all he does is stare blankly.

"Yeah. It's been too long, Himchan-ah."

***

Yongguk waits for Himchan in front of a small cinema. He's wearing a hat, a scarf that almost covers his chin, a mask and sunglasses. He feels more suspicious than any robber but Himchan just doesn't care about that. He sees him arrive from afar and enters the building as they had agreed to. As idols, they have to be discreet, even if they're thirty years old.

The rapper sits in the corner at the first row. They figured that most people would sit in the back and in the center, they wouldn't be bothered nor noticed here. He sends the vocalist a message to inform him of his position. The lights are turned off, Himchan joins him two minutes later.

They chose to watch some science fiction movie because there's nothing better that's been released. They just wanted to go on a date.

Himchan sighs happily when Yongguk slides his hand in the younger's and brings it up to his lips to kiss it. They concentrate on the film for an hour before Yongguk gets bored and decides to mess with his lover instead. He stares at him for a good minute before continuously poking his cheek with his finger.

"Bang, stop it, let me watch in peaaaaaace !" Himchan whines, making Yongguk giggle.

He keeps up with his annoying antics until Himchan suddenly turns to him and tries to bite his finger. He glares but Yongguk just smiles stupidly big because Himchan looks damn cute when he's frustrated. Yongguk surprises him by cupping his face in his hands and pecking his lips a few times. He thought his partner would protest but he all but pulls him by his coat and kisses him hard. Yongguk doesn't resist, he hooks his hand behind Himchan's neck and kisses back. Soon they're making out in the dark like teenagers, it's oddly exciting and quite perfect.

***

Yongguk has all the trouble in the world concentrating. He's fascinated by Himchan, he knows he is obvious in his staring but he can't help himself. He had forgotten just how attractive the man was. Every wrinkle, every patch of skin, every strand of hair, his whole entire being seems flawless.

He notices that Himchan watches him from the corner of his eye, it makes him happy. It scares him too. He's falling all over again. These five years of separation haven't changed anything, his feelings are just even more intense. He feels like an idiot. He wants to have Himchan back. He wants to hold him, tell him he's forgotten about everything but not about him. He wants to kiss him and leave him breathless. He just needs Himchan, just needs to look at him to know that he can't deny his love for him anymore.

But if Himchan doesn't want to aknowledge his presence then how can he win him back ?

He feels his phone buzzing and excuses himself to take the call.

"I'm in a meeting, Junhong."

"I know. Guess who's asked the CEO to give you this project ? Himchan hyung was taking care of these girls so I figured it'd be a good opportunity to force you guys to reunite. I had to agree on participating in a variety show for this, so you better move your and win him back."

Yongguk is silent for a moment.

", you little brat, I'll never thank you enough for this."

***

After the recording date had been set for two weeks later, Himchan had practically ran out of the room, giving Yongguk zero chance to even get an inch closer to him. Yongguk doesn't mind, he wants to run away too but they've been doing this for five years, it has to come to an end. Even if Himchan doesn't love him anymore, Yongguk still wants him back as a friend.

However Yongguk has waited for too long now. He doesn't want this to linger on anymore. After everyone has left, he texts Jongup, asking him where Himchan's office is. Surprisingly, his dongsaeng replies with "'4th floor, room 203, good luck". It seems Zelo has already told s, maybe they've all been ploting this. Yongguk doesn't bother replying, he dashes to the fourth floor, he hopes Himchan will be there. But he isn't.

He decides to stay there until Himchan comes back. Half an hour later, Yongguk is about to go back because his coworkers are defenitely staring but Himchan appears magically in the hallway. He's busy talking on the phone, holding a drink and reading a document at the same time, he doesn't see Yongguk. And so the latter cowers away, taking steps backwards and turning his back to the black-haired man.

"No, he's not there, why would he be there ? You did what ?! Are you serious right now ? You ing traitors ! I told you guys not to give him these information. I have my reasons ! Bang's better off without me !" Himchan protests, talking to the person on the phone. He enters his office and shuts the door.

Yongguk is astonished. He can't believe he heard Himchan mention him twice in a day and most importantly, he still uses his nickname. He's sure now. Himchan hasn't forgotten about him. He feels strangely brave, he practically barges in the room.

***

Yongguk walks out of the bathroom after a shower with only a towel around his waist. They're in Singapore for a concert with many other kpop groups, there's only Himchan in their shared hotel room so he doesn't bother getting dressed. It's early morning, the show from yesterday was a success, they're heading back to Korea in the afternoon after making sure to go eat those delicious chili crab for lunch.

Yongguk observes the figure of a sleeping Himchan sprawled on the bed in all his glory. His mouth is open and he's mumbling some gibberish, he turns over on his stomach. Yongguk snickers, he wonders why but Himchan looks y to him right now. His skin is bathed in sunlight, his messy black hair contrast with his pale skin, his lips are a little swollen. Yongguk's gaze strays to his lover's and thighs, he can see some purple lovebites on them, he thinks it's lovely.

They made love after an argument yesterday, he didn't know make up could be so great. He's taken Himchan pretty much everywhere in their room : on the bed, bent over the table, on the table, against the window (that one was particularly hot), even on the floor. They even tried one of their where Himchan gets to call him daddy. Yongguk blushes at the thought. He got lost in lust and was rougher than usual but Himchan had loved it. Yongguk knows Himchan will be a little sore when he wakes up. He feels apologetic but his sure doesn't.

Himchan shifts again and lies on his side. Yongguk smirks and joins Himchan in the bed, spooning with him. He runs a hand over the younger's thigh and kisses his neck. He wonders if Himchan is still losened up from their latenight activities.

"Bang, I'm too tired, don't even think about it." Himchan announces with a sleepy, hoarse voice. Sometimes Yongguk thinks his boyfriend can read his mind.

"Bang ? I thought it was Daddy now ?" he teases.

Himchan elbows him as hard as he can in his half-awake state, takes his time facing him, hugs Yongguk like a koala and closes his eyes. Yongguk smiles, kisses Himchan's hair and they fall back asleep.

***

Himchan is looking at him as if he's seeing a supernatural creature. Yongguk's courage disappears in a second, his whole body now jittery. Himchan hangs up on the person who's still talking, the voice sounds like Jongup's. He stands up, never adverting his gaze from the intruder. Yongguk feels like he can see right through him, like he can see his soul. He's missed these eyes, this look.

"...Yongguk-shi, do you maybe have a question concerning the new album ?" Himchan asks.

Yongguk is outraged, infuriated. How can Himchan treat him this way without batting an eye ?! Fine. If Himchan doesn't want to break the ice, Yongguk will do it for once.

"Stop it." he says.

"Wh- "

"You know what ! Stop treating me like a stranger ! I can't ing take it anymore !" he let out a sigh, feeling the emotions rushing in. "What happened to us ?"

Himchan isn't replying, he's just staring into space but Yongguk notices his fingers clenching and the way his adam apple moved when he gulps. The elder realizes Himchan hasn't changed. He's still the same, still his Himchan. He understands that the latter is as anxious as he is. He walks to him, sees his body stiffen. Yongguk cups Himchan's face, gently forcing him to look at him. He knows he's being a little too bold but he can't resist, he wants to make sure Himchan's really there, he needs it.

The younger breathes shakily, trembles a little, doesn't advert his gaze. Yongguk smiles gently as they observe each other, he wants to stay this way for hours on. But this doesn't happen. Himchan removes his hand from his cheek.

"You were the one who said you didn't want me to appear in front of you ever again." he whispers.

Yongguk frowns, he doesn't know if he wants to punch himself or Himchan in the face.

"Himchan, god dammit ! I was pissed ! I didn't mean it ! How c-"

"It's not only that. I cheated on you. You were the person I loved the most on this bloody planet and I deceived you. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to breath the same air as you, I don't ing deserve you. This is my punishment. You're better off without me, Bang, believe me."

Yongguk only has time to open his mouth before Himchan flees.

***

Kim Himchan is the dumbest idiot he's ever met. Yongguk wants to slap some sense into him. He'd be lecturing him right now if he wasn't so speechless even after two weeks. Himchan, that , cut all contact with him because of guilt. He's been punishing himself but it's Yongguk who has suffered the most in the end. 

Neverthless, he wants to wipe everything off and start everything over again. He just wants Himchan back. Because he's the love of his life and he cannot live without him anymore.

Today he won't let him escape. 

X.CAT and their staff arrive around 10AM accompanied by Himchan. He bows to Yongguk but doesn't talk to him. The producer starts recording, already in a bad mood, after having a chat with the soon-to-be idols. He doesn't go easy on them but he has to aknowledge that their vocals are pretty amazing. He glances at Himchan from time to time, he's acting too professional, only speaks to him when he doesn't like how the member who's singing is hitting a note. Yongguk remembers how Himchan used to be their mood-maker back in the day, how his stupid jokes would make them laugh after a long day spent recording.

They decide to call it a day late in the evening. Yongguk knows Himchan will try to leave as soon as he can so he makes sure to talk loudly when he turns to the latter.

"I'd like to have a word if you don't mind. I need your opinion on the chorus of the last song." Yongguk doesn't wait for the answer and looks at the others. "You guys can leave, we'll continue next week. Thank you for the hard work !"

They watch as the group make their way out. There's an awkward silence.

"Yongguk, if this isn't about work, I don't want to have this conversation."

"Why ? I want to. You don't have to say anything, I'll do the talking for once." Yongguk sighs. "Listen, about what you said last time, I don't care. I don't care, okay ? I've forgiven you years ago. You're punishing yourself but it's so ing stupid because this would have never happened if I had treated you better ! We both did wrong and we both went through hell after our breakup... What I'm trying to say is that I...I need you."

"I c-can't." Himchan utters. Yongguk's heart clenches.

"Because you think you don't deserve me ? Himchan, that's bull ! I've been a terrible boyfriend for six years but you still stuck with me ! This isn't about whether we deserve each other or not. And don't even try to say you don't have feelings for me anymore. I know you do. I do. I ing love you and I want you back. I feel like I haven't truly lived for five years, I feel like I'm going crazy !" Yongguk ruffles his hair in frustration.

"I-I'm sorry." Himchan wails and attempts to run for the door but Yongguk is quicker and has him trapped in his arms in a second.

Himchan is crying and Yongguk could never bear the sight of his tears. He pulls him to his chest, encircling his waist, let's Himchan hide in his neck. He smiles, Himchan still has this habit. When Himchan regains consistance, he pulls back but Yongguk has no plan on letting go so he glares at him and the lyricist smirks.

He doesn't give any warning and kisses Himchan hard. Yongguk feels like he just came back to life after sleeping for centuries. His heart is pratically jumping out of his chest as he senses Himchan's hands on his chest and in his hair. He pushes him against the closed door while their tongues meet, chest to chest. Yongguk wants to kiss those bow-shaped, delicate lips forever. He moans unkowingly and on Himchan's bottom lip before nibbling on it gently. They break the kiss when they need some oxygen, Yongguk places his forehead against Himchan's. The man looks confused more than anything, as if he's fighting against his thoughts. 

Yongguk understands he's going too fast, he needs to back off and give Himchan some more time.

"If you want to give me another chance and when you're ready, come see me. You know where to find me." he murmurs.

He hurridly kisses him again and leaves.

***

Yongguk feels like he made a fool of himself more than anything. He just ranted on about how he was miserable and wanted Himchan back, said more cheesy things than he gave real arguments, didn't even let Himchan talk. He didn't doubt Himchan still having romantic feelings for him but now after a month without any signs from his lost love, he's starting to think that maybe he was alone in this. Daehyun and Jongup keep telling him not to lose hope. He hates not knowing. He can't forget Himchan's flushed face, his body against his. He's been imagining a breathless Himchan under him so many times that he doesn't even feel guilty about to this image anymore.

He just craves for him in every possible way.

To think that only two months ago he thought he could continue living without him by his side, just with the knowledge that he was somewhere around. Himchan is omnipresent in his mind. He has written three songs about wanting someone back already and it's becoming ridiculous.

He sighs, he's been sitting here for an hour thinking about these embarassing things. He needs to go grocery shopping. He gets up, puts his jacket on and opens the door. 

There's already someone at the door. The person hugs him, Yongguk almost falls over.

"Himchan ?"

"I'm ready."

Yongguk hugs back and laughs happily. This time, he's going to spoil Himchan rotten.

Mmmh, I feel like my endings always :| It was the ending I wanted since the start, I tried writing a little more but the sudden fluff felt forced and awkward so I just stuck to this. I haven't proofread this, I'll do it later, sorry if there are any typos ! Anyway, this was still a pleasure to write. Thank you for reading ! Please leave me pretty comments ! :3