The parts in italic take place in the past, you would have guessed that yourself but we never know ! 

Yongguk has never been a cheerful person. He is introverted, asocial, always thinking. He has so much to say, this world is filled with revolting things. Why are people looking away ? Do they know ? He wants to convey his feelings to the whole world, he isn't skilled enough to speak comfortably so he transforms them into words on paper, writes them down in his note book, hunched over it in his studio, away from the world, for most of the day. When he isn't writing, he's twiddling with the equipment TS is letting him use, he's a composer and works for them after all. He tries to create the perfect rhythm to accompany his lyrics, tries to find that one beat that will make his song unique.

When he gets home after pulling an all-nighter, he still doesn't sleep, it's a waste of time. He still wants to finish another song he's been working on for a week now. The company asked for a light-hearted, cute song for their upcoming girl group. Yongguk doesn't do cutesy. He likes talking about unjustice, cowardice, hypocrisy, flaws that are too present in their society. He's been struggling with this concept. He doesn't understand why they demanded him of all people. There are plenty of lyricists ready to pull out this commercial nonsense. Yongguk doesn't do commercial, he makes art.

He sighs, hearing his stomach rumble, he guesses he needs to feed himself. He hasn't eaten since yesterday morning when Daehyun visited him and pretty much forced some dukbokki down his throat. He sighs again seeing there's nothing in his fridge nor in his cupboards. Fine, he'll just go get some ramyun at the convenience store right next to his apartment complex.

Yongguk is nearly fourty, leaves alone, hasn’t gotten laid since god knows when. Whatever, he'll just after eating, he's too busy working to take care of a girlfriend. He'll hear about it from Natasha next time he sees her, he's certain. She and Charu have been married for quite some time, Yongnam's wife recently had her first born, he's the only one left to marry. But it isn't something he worries about, there are more crucial things in his life right now, like getting this damn song over with.

He should be used to commercial songs, he's been compelled to perform more than he wants to think of. B.A.P has disbanded since more than five years now. He hangs out with the members sometimes, when they have some time away from their girlfriends or children and get the absolute urge to drag their workaholic of a friend out to see the sun and get drunk possibly. Ah, but he recalls that one particular individual... He shouldn't. He's just somebody that he used to know.

Yongguk enters the store, heads straight to the aisle where he can find his precious ramyun. He quickly pays for it and then goes and pours boiled water over the stiff noodles. He's already eating when a man with jet black hair comes in.

And Yongguk chokes. Himchan ? Kim Himchan ?

So maybe he hasn't been in touch with all the members. Himchan is the only one he doesn't meet with or talk to anymore. He hears about him from his four friends, Jongup crashes at Himchan's place quite often when his girl makes him go crazy which is happening more and more often (Yongguk senses a breakup is to come).

Himchan scans his surroundings for a few seconds, looking for whatever he came in to buy. Eventually, his gaze stumbles upon Yongguk. He can see his eyes widen the slightest, for just a fraction of a second. The next, he's already looked away and is asking the vendor for pears.

It's been long since Yongguk has had the chance to listen to his voice. It's still as deep as ever, it feels familiar and comforting. The younger turns his back to him so now, the composer can stare at his heart's content. Himchan might be feeling it, Yongguk doesn't care. He notices he's gotten chubbier. He's not fat, just healthy, normal. But the last time Yongguk has seen him, they had disbanded since only six months and Himchan still had his scarily thin idol figure, so did he.

Imitating Yongguk, Himchan purchases the fruits, but he doesn't linger in the shop. Without sparing Yongguk a glance, he steps out and leaves. They're only strangers now, aren't they ?

***

He is in love. This is the conclusion he’s come to after weeks of questioning. He sees it in his songs, they are much too sweet. He can’t stop writing. Is it because of him ? Did he become his muse ? Yongguk shakes his head. This is stupid.

They have been having for more than a year now. That’s it. They are attracted to each other, undeniably so. They couldn’t resist the anymore. Yongguk always thought Himchan was incredibly y. His dazzling eyes, his delicate lips, his fair, smooth skin. He’s always wanted to taste it. Himchan is the first and only man who made feel him this way. He fought against this attraction for almost a decade.

The first time they kissed was the day they won their first music show. They had all agreed to celebrate by offering themselves a feast in their favourite restaurant. That, and a lot of soju, even for their underage maknae. He had earned it.

They had come back in the evening euphoric and pleasantly drunk. The four younger members had jumped in their respective beds, not bothering with a change of clothing. Yongguk and Himchan though had been too busy staring into each other’s soul.

“I-I should get to sleep, I’m drunk and tired out of my mind.” Yongguk had said, getting embarrassed.

“Yeah. Same here.” Himchan had laughed.

He had brushed past Yongguk to join Jongup in their shared room but hadn’t made it far given that the elder had grabbed him by the waist to push him against the wall and kiss the life out of him. Himchan had replied with as much passion, desperately pulling Yongguk closer. When they had pulled back, out of breath, they had awkwardly made their way to their rooms and had never talked about it.

These kind of situations happened many times, when they just couldn’t take it anymore and had to feel the other against their body. They had kissed sometimes even when they both had girlfriends, but they were not in love, it was merely ual, there was nothing more. However, Yongguk realized that it never really soothed him, he found himself wanting more, always more.

Yongguk doesn’t remember how they started sleeping together. It had just happened. Was it when Himchan broke up with his girlfriend of two years ? Or was it when they saw each other after a two months break they had both spent in their families and traveling ? He doesn’t know. But engaging into a hot make out session right after they noticed each other in the empty dorm just seemed so right. Twenty minutes later, Yongguk had Himchan shaking and arching on his bed, letting out delicious moans that made him want to take him harder.

This time they talk about it. They acknowledge their interest in one another. There still is no love. They just like having together and they continue doing so.

They were already very good friends but now they are even closer. They go out and eat together, they go shopping, they kiss when no one is looking, they go to hotels and . After some time their kisses are more than lustful, they kiss to say hello, to cheer each other up, to communicate their appreciation for the other’s presence. They cuddle after , they talk and caress the other’s skin.

They don’t anymore, they make love.

He’s in love. Yongguk feels it in every cell of his body. So he tells Himchan, he confesses in an almost inaudible whisper. But Himchan still hears and smiles, takes his hand and pulls him in for a hug, kisses his neck and buries his head in it.

“I love you too.” He murmurs.

***

They had been dating for six years. It was his longest relationship, the happiest, the most painful too.

But Yongguk doesn’t want to think about that. He throws the rest of his meal in the garbage can and proceeds to go home. Once there, he works out and takes a quick shower before sitting on the couch and drowning himself in work again. When he looks at the clock, it’s already late in the evening. He grabs an apple, this will have to suffice for dinner, he’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow.

Himchan used to force him to eat proper food. He’d even go out of his way and cook him something. He’d make him sit at the table and would put chopstick in his hand, he’d take a seat by his side and would stay there until he was finished.

But this is the past. He’s moved on, Himchan did the same. Youngjae told him, in an umpteenth attempt to get them to be friends again, that he hadn’t had a lover ever since they broke up. Like Yongguk, he lived alone and was a bachelor. The only difference was that he had a social life. He has tons of friends, has made plenty of connection with famous people. That helps when you’re preparing trainees for their debut. Yongguk has tried calling him, long ago, to congratulate him on his new job. Himchan changed his number so it was impossible for him to do so. He’s asked his ex-members to not give it away. Yongguk snorts, Himchan really didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, it’s ridiculous.

Yes, he had ed up. He was the reason their relationship didn’t work. But did Himchan have to alienate him completely ? Not coming to a party he knew Yongguk would attend, changing his number, ignoring him, treating him like a stranger, isn’t this too big of a punishment ? It’s been five years, can’t he let it go ? Would he hold a grudge forever ?

Yongguk laughs bitterly. Why would he care ? It’s not like he misses Himchan.

For once Yongguk gives in to sleep, he hasn’t closed his eyes in thirty-six hours, his body is begging him to rest. He’ll do that, he’s exhausted, maybe that’s why he’s letting himself remember so much. Tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

***

Himchan liked cuddling and being lovey-dovey. Yongguk, on the other hand, didn’t. He complied to his lover’s demands though, at least in private. They were idols, therefore they couldn’t blatantly hold hands or appear in public as a couple, not to forget that they were involved in a gay relationship, so he let him have that at least.

Today was a blessed day off after their tour. The others were already gone to catch up with friends and family. They were left alone to be “as disgustingly mushy as you want” as Youngjae had said. They were quietly lying on their bed, Himchan had his head on Yongguk’s chest and his limbs all over him as the latter read.

“We finally have a little time to ourself…Can’t you put it down ?” Himchan whined. The rapper knew the silence wouldn’t last, his boyfriend just couldn’t shut up for more than five minute (which was still a lot compared to Daehyun though). He groaned.

“But I’m at the best part…”

Himchan didn’t give his answer any importance. He took the book away from Yongguk’s hands, let it fall to the floor before straddling his lap.

“Why would you read the best part of this book when you can touch my best parts ?”

This made Yongguk laugh, that was so Himchan-like. The visual smiled and leaned in for a kiss. He straightened up and got rid of his shirt. He sent Yongguk a look that screamed and rolled his hips, making his grind against the leader’s member. He gasped, squeezing a handful of Himchan buttocks.

“God, I love you.”

“I’m a beautiful celestial entity, of course you would.”

Half smiling, Yongguk flipped them over, pushing the man in the mattress, and sealed their lips to shut him up.

The next part is almost done, I'll update in one or two days ! I'd love some comments ! :D