2
Somebody that I used to know
Yongguk curses under his breath. It’s been a week since he saw Himchan and he can’t get him out of his head. He hadn’t seen him in five years, that had helped him get over him, but now that he met him again after so long, he doubts ever having forgotten about his past lover. It’s like he had been sitting in a corner of his mind, ready to strike at any given opportunity.
His train of thoughts are broken by the arrival of his favorite dongsaeng. Junhong smiles at him and places the plastic bag he’s holding in front of his hyung.
“Lunch ! I’m sure you forgot to eat again.”
“Thanks Junhongie. How’s work ?”
“We’re starting the preparation for the next album tomorrow, it’s my last day off before a long time.” He huffs. Zelo’s the only one from B.A.P that is still active in the show business. The others are all working in the background now, they’ve had their fill. They have started a new chapter of their life, though it still revolves around music of course.
“And you decided to waste your time here with your old hyung, how nice of you.” Yongguk laughs.
“It’s been long since we could even eat together ! What’re you working on these days ?”
“Some commercial bull for a new girl group. I feel like they’re ing with me, they know I hate these things.”
“You don’t really have a choice now, do you ? Just it up, hyung.”
“Such a great piece of advice, thanks Junhong.” Yongguk rolls his eyes, the latter just grins. “It’s almost done, the staff and idols are coming to hear it tomorrow.” The younger rapper hums.
“How’s life ? Got a girlfriend yet ?”
“You know I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
“It’s been five years, hyung…”
Yongguk glares at the man so intensively that Junghong doesn’t dare speak any further of the matter. The elder sighs heavily, he doesn’t like treating his precious dongsaeng this way. There’s a long, heavy silence.
“I’ve…seen him last week…at the convenience store. He saw me too…he ignored me.” He announces. Junhong’s eyes are awfully apologetic. “It’s okay. I don’t care. It’s been this way since we broke up. Whatever.”
“Stop pretending. Why are you lying to yourself ?!" Zelo finally snaps. "It’s obvious you haven’t moved on, you’re still in love with him and you’re trying to distract yourself by working more than ever before if it’s even possible. We’re all worried for you !”
Yongguk stares at him blankly, taken aback by this sudden outburst. His lack of response isn’t welcomed by the tall blonde, he mutters something incomprehensible and stands up, furious.
“Call me when you get your together, I can’t see you like this anymore.”
And with this he leaves a highly bewildered Yongguk behind.
***
Yongguk decides to continue not caring. He doesn’t need no Himchan. He doesn’t need his love, he doesn’t need anything but his music and rap and art.
He spends the night finishing up a couple of songs.
***
Yongguk loves his job. He wants to write lyrics, compose music, perform powerful raps for the rest of his life. He loves working, loves it too much. He’s so engrossed in his task that he forgets about the world, forgets that someone is waiting for him back at the dorm.
Himchan liked sitting behind Yongguk as he worked on the mixing board. He wanted to spend time with his boyfriend but Yongguk is only focused on his music and completely disregards his presence. After a year, he gets fed up of this treatment and prefers getting some rest at home.
Himchan is incredibly patient with him. He knows how passionate Yongguk is about his work. He knows Yongguk needs independence and freedom so he gives it to him even though Himchan is a bit of the clingy type.
Yongguk isn’t the type to say I love you often, he’s never the one who seeks for the other’s touch even though he enjoys it to bits. He’s satisfied with having Himchan by his side. He’s confident in their relationship whereas the younger is insecure. He trusts Himchan to understand him without words, however, his lover needs them spoken out loud more frequently and Yongguk doesn’t realize that.
After years, Himchan’s patience wears thin, he tells Yongguk to be more considerate of his feelings. Yongguk is too busy composing another song, he mumbles that he’ll be more careful and try to come home to Himchan earlier. Yongguk forgets to go home for three days after that, the producers and him had a genius idea for their album, he needs to help. He’s told to get some rest more than once but he’s so hooked with the new project that he doesn’t.
Yongguk forgets about his own birthday but also Himchan’s, he also fails to remember the date of their sixth anniversary and is welcomed home, the next morning, by the image of his boyfriend sleeping on the couch. There’s a present on the floor, a banner hanging on the wall that reads “Happy Anniversary”. Before Yongguk can even start to feel bad, the four members appear as if on cue, they must have heard the door opening. They all glower at him, especially Jongup. Yongguk never thought he’d live to see Jongup looking at him so lowly.
“You ing .” Youngjae speaks, his words are like venom. And the leader deserves them.
With his head hung low, he heads over to the sleeping figure. He wakes him up with care and apologizes while looking down. Himchan sulks for a few days but eventually forgives him. Yongguk feels unworthy of it, feels unworthy of Himchan.
He tries making up by spending most of his time with the man he loves. But this doesn’t last long and Yongguk is back to his good old habits in a month.
Himchan endures being forgotten about for six more months. Yongguk never understood that he felt lonely and thought that he was just bothering his lover. This doomed evening when Yongguk enters their room, Himchan doesn’t smile back and doesn’t give him a kiss on the cheek or pull him in to make out. He just stands still. Yongguk is scared.
“What’s wrong ?” he asks, apprehensive.
"I…” Himchan hesitates. “I can’t go on like this.”
“What do you mean ? I don’t understand.” Yongguk thinks he does actually.
“I think I’ve been enduring long enough now. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the only one giving any significance to our relationship. I wanted to give you space but it's just never enough. I feel like an overly possessive wife when really I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. I've told you I felt lonely, that I'd like you to give me a little more attention but you never listen. You're too busy thinking of lyrics for a next release, right ? I love that you enjoy doing your job but it seems there's no place for me. All I want is for you to be with me to watch TV sometimes or eat dinner together, I just want you to tell me you love me once in a while. I'm tired of being the only one saying it, I know you're shy, but can't you say it back when I say it at least ? I've made so many concessions and efforts for you because our couple has nothing common and because you're too reasonable to even try some things. But you haven't made any for me. I love you so much, but this just can't go on." Himchan explained, a little breathless after his tirade, his eyes glistening.
Yongguk is terrified. It felt like this time Himchan wouldn't accept any of his pleas for forgiveness, it felt like it was the end.
"H-Himchannie... I-I swear I'll try harder, I'm really sorry you feel this way. But I really, really, really love you, please, I-"
His partner suddenly breaks down in big sobs, tears glinding down his fair cheeks. Yongguk almost instantly moves to comfort him but the latter stops him by extending his arm in front of him. He takes big inpirations to compose himself.
"Don't. Please don't. I... I think we should stop. Let's- Let's break up, Yongguk-ah"
It feels like the ground was melting under his feet and he would be swallowed whole, like the world was crumbling down into pieces. His eyesight becomes blurred by the upcoming teardrops.
"No. Wait, Channie, I know I haven't been the ideal boyfriend these past years, b-but it doesn't change the fact that I can make you happy and that I love you, and you love me too. So why would we be doing this to ourselves ? Please, please, don't do this." he wails.
"It's too late, Yongguk. I ed up.... I ed up !" Himchan repeats before taking deep breaths again, but he cannot stop crying. "I slept with someone. I have no excuse. I've cheated on you. And it's not your fault. Only mine. I'm so sorry."
Yongguk's eyes widen and he staggers backwards. Would Himchan have hit him at the head with a baseball bat, it would have been the same. The rapper's head hurts, everything seems to be shifting around him, he wants to vomit. He doesn't understand. He cannot understand why his Himchan would do this to him.
Yongguk admits he has been neglecful but how could Himchan do this ? Being lonely was no reason to deceive him. Himchan is right, he has no excuse. Without noticing, Yongguk is getting angrier and angrier. He needs to get away from Himchan, he cannot bear his sight anymore. He looks at the man straight in the eye.
"Don't ing appear in front of me ever again. I don't want to see your ing face anymore." he announces cruelly.
He leaves their room, hears Himchan falling on his knees, pleading for pardon, calling his name while he bawls his eyes out. He runs away before he can let himself go back to his now ex-boyfriend.
***
Yongguk has regretted this decision for the last five years. Maybe if he had stayed they wouldn’t be such a mess now ? Maybe Yongguk would have been able to give Himchan another chance. Himchan had let him get away with so many things but Yongguk had called him off all the few times he had made mistakes. Nevertheless, he couldn’t just forget that his lover had had with someone else. Yet, maybe they would have been able to still be friends and to keep in touch even after their contract with TS had come to an end...? Ah, who is he kidding ? Yongguk and Himchan have never been friends, they were always more, they had always wanted more. Does he want Himchan back in his life ? Does he still want Himchan the way he did years ago ?
He recalls his conversation with Zelo. He exhales heavily. This is making him go crazy. Why won’t he just think about something else ?! He lets go of his pen and opens a tab on his laptop. He wanted to go on Youtube and watch some stupid videos, maybe listen to some jazz, yet he finds himself googling Himchan’s name. The results show him when he was an idol, he’s young, handsome, he’s smiling and his bunny teeth can be seen. Yongguk tries not to imitate the man in the picture. He scrolls down, feels suprisingly relaxed, it feels good to see his face. He’s been forbidding himself from checking out anything Himchan-related. A photo catches his attention, it’s a band in their practice room, on the far right, Himchan is grinning at the camera. The photo is recent, Himchan is fatter, looks more mature, is still as beautiful as ever. Yongguk wants to click on the link that leads to the poster’s profile but is interrupted by the door opening. He had been awaiting the arrival of the new girl group. He bows politely when the idols and the staff make their way in the studio.
“Ladies, may I introduce you to Bang Yongguk.” Their manager turned to the composer. “Yongguk-shi, this is our new rookie group, they’re called X.CAT.” He turned back to the girls. “He’s been charged to compose and write lyrics for your debut song, he’ll also be in charge of the recording.”
“Am I ? Nobody told me.” Yongguk spoke, annoyed. “It’s okay though, I haven’t recorded in a while, it’ll be nice. You haven’t even heard the song though, are you sure you guys want to work with me ?”
“Oh we already heard it. You sent it to the officials during the night so we could listen to it this morning. They were pleased with it, good job.”
“Ah thank you. Then can you guys tell me more about the album and all ? When do you want to start recording ?”
“We don’t know yet, our team’s general manager is on his way, he’ll tell us about all the details. We're just having a meeting today it seems.”
Yongguk nodded meekly although he was boiling inside. He’ll have to have a serious discussion with the higher ups, they couldn’t just throw an entire project in his face this way, especially for a group with such a stupid name.
“You should sit down then.” He suggested.
He turned his back to his guests, trying to concentrate, it’d be a long day. The door opened again and more people stepped in. Yongguk looked over, ready to welcome them but his words stayed stuck in his throat.
Himchan was standing a few meters away.
“Yongguk-shi, Himchan-shi is our general manager, no need to introduce you guys !”
Yes, it was going to be a very long day.
Hey everyone ! Thank you for subscribing and reading ! I wanted to update for Christmas ^^ So yeah, Merry Christmas ! :D Please do comment ! :3 I'll see you in a few days for the last update then.
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