Ryeowook's POV 

I knew something was wrong when Leeteuk announced that there will be a heart to heart group talk today. But I was too concerned over my pounding headache to care.  Even though the members never, or rather haven't questioned me on my behavior yet, I know they know something was amiss.  I tried covering it up by cooking them a simple breakfast or late night snack twice last week. I managed to avoid questions from others asking about my pale face by blaming on the cold weather. I didn't bother eating after that day. I didn't see a point. My life was pretty much meaningless now and to be honest I have no idea why I was still alive. Probably because I didn't have enough courage to kill myself. The pain in my heart haven't disappear, and I don't think it's going anywhere anytime. It hurts. So bad.    Concerts were usually my favorite thing to do, hearing fans cheer for us, seeing the blue light sticks move in synchronization, it was what made me happy. But now, it was basically hell for me. I had to force smiles, force myself to be happy, I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't sing live anymore because my voice was irritating me. In fact, I felt disgusted by it. No wonder I couldn't have a solo, I thought miserably. Normal days would be spent in my room, door locked, wasting myself away. I didn't even know how much beer I drank already. But it was my only escape. If getting drunk will help me forget the pain, I would do it. The pain was simply too much.    Dance practice as a group was torturous. It was actually the same as what we did for all those years. But those years I had something to keep me motivated. Now, the motivation was gone and it seemed to my soul out along with it. I would just do the dances numbly, following what the others were doing. I kept to myself ever since the announcement which was 2 weeks ago. Of course Kyuhyun would question me even though he probably know what the hell was wrong with me but I guess he didn't want to bring it up because he knew it was still a sore spot for me. It always will be. The members are starting to get suspicious of my lack of enthusiasm for planning the surprise for Yesung. I would normally volunteer to cook, but not this time. Of course I was happy for him, he deserved it. But there will always be a part of me that is envious of it.  -----------------------------------/--------------------------- I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen during the talk. But I didn't what. And that was what scares me. I could only hope that no one ask me what was with my attitude these days.    Finally, at 9pm, all the members gathered around in the living room, siting on the floor in a circle. Donghae and Kyuhyun were beside me. We went around it a circle saying anything we want, life, relationships, anything.  Finally, it was my turn. Only one problem, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't feel anymore so I was just doing my schedules for the sake of doing. I didn't feel tired or stressed because I was numb. My headache didn't make it any better. All the members stared at me, waiting for me to speak.  "I'm living well, I guess. I have nothing to spill. You