It was so quiet. Only the sound of constant beeping could be heard, the only reminder for me that what I had been seeing was real. My feet had been paralyzed for as long as I remembered, but that moment, I felt like the most important part of me also experienced the same. My heart was numb. I couldn’t decide what to feel. Just... it was too much... that suddenly I felt so empty.

“Ojousama,” a voice called out to me, pulling me from the daze.

I turned to the source and saw Fuji Takahashi-ojiisan holding Sora who was sleeping because of exhaustion.

“If it’s alright, I will bring Sora-chan home. I will ask my wife to accompany you here,” he said.

I nodded, “Thank you, Ojiisan. But you don’t need to ask Obaasan to come here. I hope she can take care of Sora while I’m here instead.”

“Then I’ll return later after I bring Sora-chan home,” he replied, then immediately added when I was about to refuse, “Please, I can’t let you be alone, Ojousama.”

I knew it was futile to refuse, so I just nodded and watched him brought Sora away.

I inhaled a deep breath when the door was closed and immediately the particular smell invaded my senses. The sterile smell of a hospital.

I turned back to where I initially looked at before Fuji-ojiisan called me. I looked at the bed in the room; the one on which a man lied unconscious, with so many wires attached to his body, and the beeping of the heart monitor became the only sound I could hear beside the violent beating of my own heart.

I made my wheelchair moved forward, closer to the bed. I saw his face and conflicting feeling soon arose. I didn’t know what I should feel, but seemed my heart had decided before my mind could. Tears simply rolled down my cheeks, and I let it be.

My hand strecthed out to touch the pale skin before me. My smaller hand enclosed his bigger one. It was warm, and knowing that only made my tears continuously flowing, harder. I felt so tired. I leaned forward and rested my forehead over our enclosed hands.

“Why...?” I uttered helplessly to no one, though I wished I would get an answer. I sniffled weakly, tightening my jaw to finish my question. “Why should you... always break your promises?”

“I have submitted the paper, and next week we’ll be attending the court to finalize the register.”

He had told me that, but...

Today was supposed to be the day we officially got divorced. Today was supposed to be the day I would be free from the burden, but... he never came to the court. I should be really angry at him for ditching the court he had agreed to attend, but...

 “Yamada-san got into accident, and currently is still unconscious in the hospital.”

Police officers came to inform me about him. I froze, not knowing how I should react.

They said the brake of his car did not function properly. His car crashed onto the wall block of a tollgate when he was trying to stop the vehicle from crashing onto the tollgate post.

I lifted my head and brought my eyes to catch the view of his face which covered by oxigen mask.

“In the future, though we’ve got divorced, please let me know if you or Sora need anything.”

His voice continued ringing in my ears.

“If not as a family, then at least let me take care of you and Sora-chan as a friend.”

I squeezed his hand a little stronger. “Too many,” I said, my eyes staring at his face. “Too many promises you’ve broken... are you going to leave just like this?”

I got no answer.

Doctor said he got internal damages. They had tended the wound the best they could, but they couldn’t give assurance that he would survive.

“If he stays stable through the night, the chance will be bigger. But if he can’t...”

He had been able to stay stable that night, but even in this third day since he got admitted in the hospital, he hadn’t regained consciousness yet. He was not in coma, that much was what doctor could guarantee, but they didn’t know when he would wake up. His body needed time to recover. At least, he was not dying.

I inhaled another deep breath. I wanted to stop crying.

I pulled my hand away, and soon the warmth of his hand left me. I shoved aside the tingling feeling before directing my gaze back to his face.

Even with his head covered in bandage and most of his face was hidden under the oxigen mask, he still could make anyone jealous by seeing him. Sometimes, I thought it was unfair that a guy could be prettier than a girl. He was exceptionally manly yet pretty at the same time.

I smiled bitterly to myself. I remembered a fragment of the past.

“What do you think of Ryosuke, honey?” my father asked me the day I met him.

Back then I was thinking hard, trying to find a word that suited him the most. In the end, I offered a smile while answering sincerely.

“Yamada-kun... He is perfect.”

Now that I thought about it, I asked myself. What was perfection anyway? What was beauty?

Well, Mom used to tell me that I was as beautiful as a princess then Dad would rebut that no, I was not a princess, but an angel sent by heaven. I was born with flawless features: round brown eyes, fair skin, smooth hair, squishy cheeks, plum small lips, and even added with smart brain and cheerful personality. Mom and Dad loved me. Fuji-ojiisan and his wife always took care of me fondly. I grew up showered with love, and that made me believe that this world was so beautiful, that nothing would be too bad to make it looked worse. I had believed that indeed I was beautiful and perfect with all the blessing. Then the accident took Mom away, also took away my ability to walk.

Even after that, I still believed that with the handicap, though I was not phisically perfect, I was beautiful and perfect in my own way, not any less than before. Dad always reminded me that everything was a blessing, therefore I must not regret anything that had already happened, because Kamisama definitely had something in store for me, some wonderful fate he said. And I chose to believe it.

Yet, no matter hard I resisted the pressure of depression, I still felt lonely. Dad did not allow me to go to public school, choosing to homeschool me instead. I loved Dad, and I didn’t want to defy him nor make him sad. I would do what will make Dad happy, anything. Even if I had to live within the cage of Shida mansion.

But then, he came. Dad brought him home, telling that he would be my friend. Yamada Ryosuke, a son of Dad’s late friend. He charmed me with his bubbly personality. He smiled a lot, and his smile was beautiful. He liked to tell me stories, and I liked listening to him. But there was something about him beyond that cheerful appearance. There were something he kept hidden. That warm yet mysterious feeling he emitted had drawn me to him.

It was not exaggerating when I said that he was most of my firsts: my first guy friend; my first fan outside Dad, Fuji-san, and his wife—he declared that he was my fan after I played a composition for him; my first confidant—I never knew why I always went to him whenever I felt down; my link to the world—because he told me how the outside world looked like... but... I just did not expect that he would also be my first love and heart-break.

I remembered the day I sat beside him, anxiously opening the letter from the university he applied to. I remembered the feeling when he spontaneously hugged me because of overjoyness for finding out that it was the letter of acceptance. I congratulated him sincerely. I was happy for him, though deep inside I was afraid that I would be alone again. It seemed that he knew me so well, because he then consoled me by giving his promise that we would always be friends, and that he would see the world for me. And so, I did my best to always smile whenever he left for orientation program in his college.

At first, he would return home once a week. That lasted until a week before the second semester of his college came. Something happened. He suddenly requested to be let staying in his university dormitory. Dad was insisting to not let him. But, I saw that staying away was something he needed desperately, at least for that time. I noticed how Dad had treated him coldly. I also noticed how he had been stiff around me and Dad. He was no longer comfortable to stay with us. So, with the hope that time would mend the relationship between him and Dad, I persuaded Dad to let him be.

I never thought that the day I sent him off to his dormitory would be the last time I met him in person. He did call me a few times, trying to sound cheerful as he used to be, but there was something convinced me that he was only telling me half truth. He did not enjoy talking to me as much as he did in the past. I just felt it. One time, I heard crowd behind his voice when he answered my call; his friends were calling him to hurry up. By then, I realized, he already had his own world; a world tha