Summary!

How my loneliness and heartbreak became my refuge, and how I let it consume me. I should have sought help sooner, but that’s difficult when you’re in such a deep pit of despair where nothing makes rational sense anymore – where nothing can break the robotic merry-go-round your life’s routine has become. 

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Yoochun got married. It was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life. The nervous smile on his lips, the excited glimmer in his eyes and the bright aura radiating off of him. I was over the moon. My happiness for my friend crushed the little voice in the back of my conscience – the little voice that was whimpering…afraid of losing his friend to a new life. A new wonderful life. A life without me. I didn’t let my fear win. This was one of the best things that had happened to Chunnie and how could I even imagine being anything less than drunk with joy? I was so happy that Junsu had to drag me away from the dance floor, and Yoochun had to nudge me to stop hugging the bride and groom like a cushion.

Then father died. It was one of the worst things that had happened to me. I was lost. Afraid. Broken. I couldn’t be the pillar of support for my family because I was breaking apart myself. They had to forget their own grief and keep me from going insane. I had failed him. Father had always wanted to see my children before he passed away. I had failed to make his dream come true. I guess I was so occupied with my work that father’s state didn’t register in my mind. I’d failed. Maybe if they’d adopted someone else…maybe they would have had grandchildren already. I fell into depression. The drinking got worse. My focus at work became hazy. I believed things couldn’t get worst.

I was wrong.

As selfish as it was, losing father was still not as core shattering as hearing about the country’s golden boy, South Korea’s pride, the Industry’s leader and my…my Yunnie getting married.

I couldn’t believe it. He’d moved on. He’d really moved on. And here I was, always believing that there was some hope. That he would at least talk to me before committing to a relationship. Even though Junsu and Yoochun tried to tell me that he’d sent invitations to the three of us – it was a lie. Yunho had chosen to invite only them…I was excluded from the supposed best day of his life. They didn’t attend, feeling betrayed on my behalf. And anyways, it’s not like Chunnie had invited them to his wedding. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. Maybe if I was there, at the event, watching him smile at someone so adoringly…then maybe there was a chance of closure. Was it not the case for him? Did Yunho not need or want to see me face to face one last time? Did he think I would rampage his perfect day? Did his opinion really sink that low of me? Then again, who didn’t? It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for believing in Cassiopeia’s dream of reunion between us.

The cutting began by accident. I didn’t mean to slit my thigh – it just grazed the counter where the screw driver was precariously balancing. I hadn’t given thought to how intense the pain in my heart was before my attention was on the blood and stinging on my leg and away from the sadness. I hadn’t realised my heart was constantly hurting. The sting of the cut…it was a relief in the most horrible form. I wanted a break from the overwhelming emotions and the razor offered that. A momentary distraction from the bloodbath taking place in my heart. I couldn’t refuse.

I was a definition for broken.

Yoochun had a healthy, beautiful baby boy. In all the darkness, the infant’s existence somehow lifted some unknown weight off my shoulders. But the little angel’s smiles and grabby hands couldn’t stop the cutting. I think it’d become an addiction. A new sanctuary from life.

Then Junsu, precious Junsu met his other half. As happy as I was for him – I became lonely. My members had families now, new responsibilities and lives. JYJ was no longer their top priority. But that was ok. We were still friends and there for each other. I knew that. Maybe I should have opened up to one of them about my problem…but I couldn’t. Not when they had so much amazing things happening. How could I dampen their lives with such ghastly information? I didn’t want to disappoint them. They thought I was doing ok. Everyone thought I was doing ok. ‘A man out to get the world’ they called me. Little did they know? I guess Yoochun was right, I’m a better actor than I give myself credit for.

Yunho had a baby girl. I’d tell you how I felt, but I don’t kn