When Jiha returned to her home, it was almost three in the morning. She wasn’t sleepy or tired in the least; in fact, she even felt restless. The rooms were dark inside her home; her parents must have already gone to bed. Unsure of what else to do, Jiha retreated to her room as well. She shut the door behind her as quietly as she could and switched the lights on. Jiha leaned against the door and took a deep breath as she surveyed her bedroom. There wasn’t an inch of space of the wall that didn’t have a picture of Kai on it. It was almost impossible to imagine that there had been a time when these walls were white. She even had a customized pillow with Kai’s face on it. There were EXO albums on her shelves, an EXO picture as her desktop wallpaper on her computer, miniature Kai cardboard standees on her desk, a Kai mousepad, even a Kai lampshade. Jiha furrowed her brows and she felt like she was seeing her room for the first time, and it was, more or less, a shrine to Kai. She didn’t know where to look.

Finally unable to look at the room any longer, Jiha made up her mind. She went into her closet and grabbed a pair of running shoes that were almost all but abandoned. She changed her clothes into something warm and loose, and then she stepped outside. It had stopped raining long ago, but the air was still a bit damp and the sidewalk was wet. Jiha decided to go for a run to clear her mind. At first, she ran aimlessly, not really sure if she was intending to run in one direction and then simply turn and run back or if she planned on taking a circular route to end up back at the house. But she relished in the brilliant clarity that descended upon her the faster she ran. Her legs shook each time her feet met the pavement, jogging reason into her brain. Her calves and throat burned with each step and each sharp inhalation of the frigid air. But Jiha enjoyed it. The sky was still a little dark, stars up in the sky were a little faded, but they still shone. 

She remembered when she used to be on the cross country team in high school. That had been a wonderful time in her life. She suddenly missed the camaraderie of her running mates, the feeling of restlessness before a meet, the triumphant exhaustion she felt each night in bed after finishing a race, her free she felt crossing the finish line after pushing herself to the front. And after each race, her parents would take their whole family out for an early dinner. Usually, to someplace casual where they could eat and be as loud as they wanted; it was a celebration after all. They used to be so close. Jiha remembered how supportive they’d been of her at every cross country meet. Jiha remembered having to work hard to earn her grades in order to remain eligible to run in their school league. She’d never been a genius, but she loved the feeling of earning a grade after working hard. She used to be best friends with her co-workers at the university mailroom. She’d been so good at her job that she was promoted to supervisor in just a year. People didn’t think it was necessarily a good job, but Jiha had an honest work ethic, and she didn’t having to work hard to earn money. At least she had a job and she was making money on her own. 

Where did all of that go, she wondered as she ran.

The encounter at the convenience store was the wake up call that Jiha needed. All the other times she had seen him, at concerts and events, she had never realized that the way she was acting was hurting them. It was just a hobby, she used to tell herself. It was a harmless hobby, like the kinds that other normal girls had, she just happened to be more devoted to it. Didn’t other girls have a favorite band, too? Didn’t other girls have crushes on certain celebrities and wanted to get in touch with them somehow? Was it so bad that she had wanted that a little more intensely than most other girls? Why wasn’t it okay for her to engage in activities that made her happy?

Jiha shook her head to herself, remembering Kai’s words and Kai’s face. Perhaps it was because he looked so normal that night that his words early hit her. The idol she adored was also just a regular kid, like her. The stars she reached for could very well have been just planes. She used to say the she loved Kai, but now she was realizing that words had been a little twisted. How could she claim such a thing yet turn around and hurt him and his friends every time she stalked them? By the time Jiha reached the river, it was dawn and she was out of breath. She stopped at the railing to catch her breath, and there, as the sun rose, she watched it die with new resolve. It was time to make a difference in her life, she thought. Today was a new day. 

Weeks went by. Jiha had finally made it back to her university campus and actually made an effort to attend class on a regular basis. Sure, it was difficult to go against habits that she’d been following for such a long time. When she got home after her jog, the first thing she had done was take down most of the posters in her room; she left just enough that would be considered appropriate. If she was to change the way she looked at Kai, part of the changes that needed to made was probably to look at him less. Jiha buckled down and got herself a job at a coffee shop near the campus. She had never worked in a food service place before and everything was unfamiliar; still, she was determined to thrive in her new environment. Although she still struggled with urges to go back to her old ways, Jiha made conscious efforts to remain on the right path. 

But after so many weeks, of course So Min started to look for her. Jiha was on her way to a brand new registered class when she looked up and saw her friend standing on the path, waiting for her. Jiha held her breath. She had been avoiding So Min for a while now, still unsure of how to tell her about her decision. She had no idea how So Min would take it. She had always known that So Min was a much more intense fan than Jiha was, and it would be difficult to make her see reason. 

Jiha walked toward her calmly, although she could already tell that So Min was perturbed.

“Well?” So Min asked, her arms folded when Jiha was finally close enough. “What have you to say for yourself?”

“What do you mean?” Jiha asked.

“Hello!” So Min said. “You’ve been AWOL for like three or four weeks now! I can’t believe you missed Chanyeol’s birthday fan party!”

“I was busy.”

“Oh, what could possibly be more important to you.”

“I had to study for an exam.”

“Oh, well excuse me,” So Min said. “Well, then why didn’t you answer my calls last night? Or the night before, or before  that, or this morning? Seriously, what’s up with you?”

Jiha turned to her friend and felt sorry for her. “Look, I’m really sorry,” Jiha said. “So Min, I’ve done some thinking… and I love EXO and all, but I wanna stop this.”

So Min was quiet. “Stop what?” she asked.

“You know,” Jiha said, quickly contemplating her word choice. “Harassing them.”

So Min scoffed. “Harassing?” she said incredulously. “Who says we’re harassing them? You haven’t been hanging out with those judgmental holier-than-thou other fans have you? You know they’re just secretly jealous of us.”

“No, I haven’t,” Jiha said. “I came to this decision on my own.”

“Decision?’ So Min said, her smile slowly disappearing. “Decision to what?”

“So Min,” Jiha said. “Look, you’ve been a great friend and I really appreciate you, but… I don’t want to do this anymore. So… can you please… not invite me to anymore night shifts or things like that?’

“Why not?” So Min’s eyes narrowed at Jiha. 

“So Min, what we’ve been doing is wrong - “

“Oh come on!” So Min said, interrupting. “Don’t tell me you’ve turned into one of those people now. What’s gotten into you, Jiha? You love EXO and Kai more than anything, and why should we feel bad about that? People just disdain us because we have strong feelings about something and they’re just mindless peasants who don’t know what they want! They’re not getting hurt, so why should they care?”

“But people do get hurt!” Jiha said. “Remember that night at the convenience store when I met Kai?”

“Yeah, and it was awesome! Don’t you want to see him again?”

“I do, but not like that,” Jiha said. “If you love them, don’t you want them to feel comfortable and safe? Well, they don’t feel safe when we’re stalking them all the time - ”

“We’re not stalking them!”

“Yes, we are!” Jiha said. “I don’t want to anymore. My grades suffer, my family relationships are strained, I have almost no life away from EXO, and ti’s not supposed to be like that.”

So Min’s breath came out like labored tufts of air as she stared at Jiha through narrowed eyes. “You know what? Fine,” she said. “If you can’t be supportive of something I’m passionate about, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends.”

Jiha’s heart broke a little. “So Min, come on,” she said. “Just because I’m not going to events with you anymore doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with you.”

“No, forget it!” So Min said. “I don’t need you anyway. I don’t need to be around someone who’s just going to judge me all day for something that I like. Forget you. I know you think I’m crazy and delusional, but I don’t care what you think. You think quitting is going to make you better than me? It’s not.”

So Min turned around and began walking away. Jiha thought to go after her, but her legs wouldn’t move. She watched So Min retreat with a heavy heart and teary eyes. After a while, Jiha remembered that she still had class. So she turned and forced herself to go to the classroom. It was still early when she went inside. Jiha found a solitary seat near the back where she could be alone for a bit and mourn the dissolution of her friendship with So Min. She honestly did enjoy So Min’s company, her energy, her support. Jiha wasn’t sure what to do now. For a long time, So Min had been her only friend because they both were sasaengs. 

“Hey,” said a voice from in front of her. Jiha looked up and saw a girl sitting in the desk in front of her, turning around to speak to Jiha. 

“Hi,” Jiha said, not really sure what else to say. The girl smiled.

“You got any gum?’ she asked. Jiha smiled sadly in reply.

“No, I don’t,” Jiha said. “Sorry.” The girl pursed her lips and sighed.

“No one in class has any gum,” the girl said. “I keep forgetting to buy some. And I need it today especially since I forgot to brush my teeth this morning. Oh, shoot,” she covered her palm. “I said too much.”

Jiha laughed. “It’s fine,” she replied. “As long as you’re going to be kissing anyone today, you should be good.”

“Bad news for my boyfriend, I guess,” the girl said, laughing along. She stretched her hand out to Jiha. “My name is In Young, by the way.”

Jiha smiled, looking at In Young and then shaking her hand. “Jiha,” she replied, introducing herself. Jiha supposed she wouldn’t have to be completely alone after all.