Kwon Dani

Hey, non-Mino.

"We like each other."

Well, there it is. Plain and simple. She finally told me.

I won't deny there's this pain in my chest that won't allow me to breathe properly and this seriously annoying waterfall of salty liquid falls from my eyes non-stop but, I get it. She doesn't know- in fact, nobody knows but you- that I love him. And because I did IT again and again, I lost him. She has him. He belongs to Ellie now. Don't worry, I told her he and I got in a 'really bad fight', absolutely no mention of my feelings and of whatever he and I shared, and we were mature enough to come to terms (that involved maintaining our friendship despite the obvious awkwardness the situation brings). Moving on-

Promises of staying by my side, of being that one that would finally give me peace are the promises he never really kept. It was a cycle of I love him today-he breaks my heart tomorrow-I hate him for the time being-I can't resist him-we'll make up. In the end, even though I know I could have given him his nth chance to explain, my heart was too battered, too tired. It refused to accept the possibility of John becoming my peace. And that's fine. I am already so used to being heartbroken, it's pitiful. But there's just something in re-opening a wound that never fully healed that makes it so painful.

What I don't regret were the good times (if there were any). Even though they were rare, they made me feel...loved. And feeling something, having emotions, having butterflies, is beautiful. It makes us human. It makes us act on a whim and do memorable things. I've always said that there are three types of emotions: correct, incorrect and true. No false. My feelings towards John were... are... just incorrect, I guess, but they were...are definitely true.

Honestly, this is just me trying not to succumb to tears again. I have made you read such dramatic emails over the past month that's why I feel so grateful and apologetic at the same time. Really, non-Mino. I just don't know how you can read my emails without getting irritated. I mean, at the end of the day, we're both strangers, right? Thanks for always being patient with me. By the way, how are you doing?

Sincerely, non-Rose

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"Turn that damn thing off, Dani," my roommate/friend wriggled in her bed. 

"Are you sure you're okay with me using your name as my digital screen name?" 

"Mh," she muffled through her pillow.

"Should I take that as a yes?" No answer.

Well then, SEND. 

I closed the laptop and stared at the ceiling Rose and I dotted with glow-in-the-dark stars.

Well, you just sent another one, Dani.I thought. I literally scoff at myself for being so bestfriend-less that I have to rely on this anonymous email project we have running in the campus to let my feelings out. You're so pitiful, Dani. Even you ex-best friend wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend than you. The masochistic thoughts just keep coming. I let out my frustration by throwing a small Rilakkuma toy to the biggest star.

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Rose and I made our way to the lecture hall for our morning classes. The first class is History and everybody hates it for quite a few reasons. The professor always comes in late. It doesn't matter what the hand book says ("In the event that the professor does not come to class in the first 15 minutes, the students are free to leave") because she always texts the class representative that she's 'coming soon' so we HAVE to wait, even if it means she'll arrive during the last five minutes of the period. And because she comes in late, she speeds through terms, places and names, not caring to write them on the board at all. My notes would usually look like "sfhfkasdfakmnARMANS, shxquiIANG KAI, svajiekitrij GANDHI, IZA(i give up) and IZA(fck everything) @ Hades". I am especially sympathizing our class rep whom she always bosses around. Not one day passes that I don't hear "Min, dear, please set this up", "Min, dear, can you go to the Dean's Office and check on this" or "Min, dear, how does this contraption work". I did, at one point, count how many times she uttered her name. The results were not surprising.

"Form five groups so start counting off." My professor came in and wasted no time (seeing as she came 39 minutes late). "Alright, the five groups will do a presentation on the five geo-politcal regions of Asia, highlighting the data written on the board. All those in group #1, please stand and choose your leader."

I stood up along with a few others. Scanning their faces, I saw Rose and mentally smiled but the rest were just familiar, not all of which I like, too. We also