Each one living in this world has overcome or already overcame a trial. As a person, I believe my hamartia is dealing with time. I want to go back where we started but sadly, time doesn’t move backwards. That’s probably the flaw of time. I’m hoping for impossible things which are absolutely possible back then to happen again. Today, the same day as last year but the feeling is completely different. I don’t like this dull emotion; I want how I felt three hundred sixty five days ago. Spending my days and nights desperately wishing for time to go backwards is making my life difficult to move forward.

I’ve waited every day for you to come back. Those days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. One month, two months, three months, four months, five months, six months have passed. I didn’t realize after a long time has taken me away from reality waiting for you to welcome me into your arms once more. I focused on waiting and didn’t feel months already gone by. Then, reality hit me like a bullet; the bullet slapped me hard enough to realize he will not come back anymore. Thinking tomorrow without him is like asking me to ride a roller coaster without any harness. I became too dependent on him. I want him by my side, I want him here.

Unexpectedly, while being emotional, the phone rings. “Hello! This is Minseok’s Steamed Coffee Café. The weather is cold. What’s the matter? What’s your order?” That is so lame but there’s nothing I can do because my mom came up with that and she said it’s amazing. I think the customer is grossed out because there’s no response from the other line. “Hello! This is Minseok’s Steamed Coffee Ca-”

“My friend.” This familiar voice said loudly with a giggle holding him back from saying it properly.

My brain recognizes the voice but not quiet. “Who are you?” I’m pretty sure it’s a voice I often hear from back then but, who’s this exactly?

“ZITAO HUANG! HOW CAN YOU FORGET?” He shouted on me. My ears almost burst into flames.

“Tao?” I stuttered. Yes, it’s Tao’s voice indeed. I hate being in the walls of presque vu because it makes me dumb for a moment not knowing the answer. “I haven’t talked with you for a very long time. Why did you call me? Is there something you need?” I think I said too much words to start with.

“Hold up! Doesn’t mean I called, I need something.”

“Well, that’s what everybody does. They don’t communicate for a long period of time and just call each other if someone needs something from someone. Isn’t it? Am I not right?” That’s deep, I drowned on my words.

“Don’t include me in your definition of ‘everybody’.” I can hear him laugh on the other line.

Tao is still funny. The last time I saw him was… when was it? It’s so long ago, my brain can’t even remember. Well, probably a year ago?

“I just called because…” He paused. I waited for him to construct his sentence. My thumb is way longer than my patience but it’s a first call from him since last year so let me put the word patience on the other planet. He definitely wants to say something. “Actually… I’m just curious if you changed your number without me knowing. So I tried to call.” He laughed like he’s mocking me.

“It’s a good thing I didn’t. Is that what you want to know?” I paused and waited for his reaction. But, all I can hear is the whisper from the buzz in the line. “I’m just kidding.”

The last time Tao and I met together was when Yixing and I still loved each other. I met Yixing about year ago and my first impression of him was meh. Because who would wear a tree green long sleeves with a dark red bow and green suspender, with tight pants matching with gray rubber shoes in the midst of October? I was talking inside my head like, “Excuse me sir, are you celebrating Christmas or are you an embodiment of an early Christmas present?” But I didn’t know that he’s indeed a present for my life. As time goes by, I kept thinking of him without myself noticing and every day his presence in my mind is getting absolute vivid and failed to realize my affection is growing from a seed to an abundant tree. I kept refusing I don’t have a crush on him but my feelings are not just a simple crush but it is a burning love. My actions are inevitable to be obvious. Call me a fool but my awareness is absent in this world. My friends told me if I can hide it a little or to stop denying. I’m doomed, they knew. That’s supposed to be my secret from them but this secret is also a secret from me. What the heck? What? I mean because I don’t want to explore what this secret is what to offer, I’m keeping myself away from the true feelings towards Yixing. In other words, I don’t want to accept the reality that I have. I love Yixing with a great passion. That’s a secret I don’t want to believe.

Yixing, he’s the one I tried to forget but I can’t. Is it because I can’t? Or don’t want? That time. Here we go again, talking about time. I want to have a deep conversation with this uncontrollable phenomenon. I felt anguished everytime the thoughts of him waft into my head. It’s not an easy task. I want my brain to discard all of our memories. A rewind button is necessary in my life needs. Where do I buy?

“Sorry but I think I need to hang up now. Customers are piling up. Bye!” The costumers are chattering here and there, making me unable to hear Tao clearly. I can’t talk anymore longer; my other ear is filled with undesirable and unwanted voices.

“Hold on!” There is something in his voice that makes me feel bad because it seems like he has lots to say. 

“Nice talking to you.” I ended up saying remorsefully. I don’t want to say goodbye but I had to.

The café is packed, no time for any break. It feels like I’m being smothered with all the works I’m responsible for. Multiple occasions are happening in just one night. My café felt honoured. On this side, a birthday celebration. In that corner, a couple commemorating their wedding anniversary. In my front, with the judgement of eyes, probably they just started dating. I love seeing these in my café. I want people to build happy memories here and leave with a smile. But why can’t I smile when I step out after my shift is over? Is it because I know that I’ll be here again tomorrow and I can set aside to make happy memories tomorrow instead of today? I’m hoping one day to see him enjoying a cup of coffee writing a song beside the untainted glass window. Yixing… all I can do is sigh.

***

A week from now, I’ll be starting another year in the university. My vacation is not productive as it used to be. But, goodbye freedom once I step in between of needles and death. I mean, school and assignments. Only a week left and my mom will take over this café and that’s what I’ve been waiting for since the last day of school.

Soft mellow music is well suited in the ambiance of the café. That’s what I asked.

“I’ll do this.” I said because mom is doing the work, wiping the tables I’m supposed to do.

“No, I’ll do this. It’s my job. Get prepared; applicants will be here any time soon.” Mom is hiring new employees because I’ll be away for the next months. She needs help.

“Minseok, can you do the interview for me?” Why is she doing it with puppy eyes? Please.

“No.” My lips turned from flat to pouty. I hate talking to strangers.

“Yes. That’s final.”

Well, I guess I have no choice to begin with.

The clock is loudly ticking inside the office. The silence is deafening. I’m left alone, waiting for the potential employees. The only thing that excites me doing this interview is that I have the power to judge a person and decline them whatever my judgment will be. Circling around on this rolling chair of dizziness. I stopped and I saw my face facing the wall behind the table instead facing the door. I feel woozy after turning millions of times. I stayed looking at the blank wall until I hear the door slowly opened. It felt like seconds became hours.

“Minseok?” A faint whisper behind my ears. A familiar wave of sound triggered my ear. I turned around and left motionless and emotionless. What sorcery is this? Did time finally hear me? Is this real?

CHAPTER 2 IS PUBLISHED