The quietness was almost tangible, no rustle of clothing, breathing slow and barely audible, even the once creaking of the building settling was stilled as though to order. His gaze remained fixated outside the window, his thoughts running wild and his hand the scar that left a mark from time to time. Jinhwan wondered if ‘Bobby’ was someone sent by Hanbin, to replace the time they’ve lost and for those promises that Hanbin couldn’t keep. He wondered if everything today was just a dream, because he thought he saw Hanbin, and he thought he was close to returning to their childhood days and when things seemed brighter ahead, he was pulled right back into reality. In his world, Hanbin hasn’t returned. Even if the boy that stood right in front of him looked just like a copy of his childhood friend, he wasn’t introduced as Hanbin.

“Jinhwan?”

The door creaked open slightly, revealing his mother. She watched how the room was dimly lit, as though symbolizing nothing but how dark Jinhwan’s days had been ever since Hanbin’s departure. The curtain that was only slightly drawn revealed the beautiful city lights, yet nothing was bright enough to reveal the tears in the corners of his eyes.

“You seemed different today, especially different,” she started, sitting herself on the edge of the bed as she watched her son wheeled himself closer for comfort.

“Eomma, is it wrong? Is it wrong to keep waiting for Hanbin and keep hoping for someone to introduce himself as Hanbin and to place high hopes in anyone who shares a slight similarity in looks?” Jinhwan asked, slightly exasperated. It was as though he was shouting out the thoughts that have been through his entire mind since morning. It was as though he had reached a whole new level of breaking point.

“Son, I don’t know. Right or wrong, it is subjective. But it has been eight years of waiting, are you not tired? I know that Hanbin had always been the most important person in your life, but it is painful to watch you waiting aimlessly. Eight long years, it could have changed so many things. Have you ever thought about it?”

“I just want to see him again, to ask him why he stopped writing to me after two years. I just wanted an answer,” he sniffed, hands trembling as he looked at those letters stained with tears on the table.

“Waiting for someone can be painful, and I thought you would have slowly walked out of this past. Jinhwan ah, Hanbin was someone who really cherished you, I admit. But during this long eight years, have you not seen how someone else have been secretly and selflessly giving you his all?”

Jinhwan’s gaze averted from the tears-stained letters, slowly focusing on the lady next to him. He knew what his mother was directing at. He knew better than anyone else whom she was referring to. But then, it was something that Jinhwan never wanted to face. He had to admit, that probably apart from Hanbin, no one else had treated him this well, to the extent that he felt like he was so significant in somebody’s life once again ever since Hanbin left him. But he was afraid. He was too afraid to acknowledge it and open his heart to Junhoe if he is going to walk away from Jinhwan’s life one day like Hanbin did. And more importantly, Jinhwan knew that despite all that Junhoe had done for him; nothing can replace Hanbin in his heart.

“You understand, don’t you? You felt it too, haven’t you?” she asked again, hands tightly holding on to her son’s as she genuinely wanted his happiness for him.

“I’m tired Eomma, sorry.”

“Rest well. And maybe when you are ready, please return me the Jinhwan who used to smile like nothing in the world could bring him down,” she whispered as she swept his hair behind his ears. Yet before she closed the door behind her, she heard his whispers, that reminded her of nothing but how fragile love could be, how broken Jinhwan was when Hanbin first left that winter.

“Then who is going to return to me the Hanbin I’ve always missed?”

Perhaps, Jinhwan never really wanted to encounter the ‘Bobby’ he met today. If they’ve never met, then he wouldn’t be reminded of so many things that Hanbin had. His nose, his lips and even the look behind the Chanel sunglasses was seemingly saying ‘I’m Hanbin’. Jinhwan wasn’t greedy, because he had only one dream through these long years. And while the petite boy was deep in his thoughts, the phone that lay by the bedside table lit up.

“Junhoe…” he whispered as he looked at the contact name flashing on the screen. Was it guilt or disappointment? He too wasn’t sure, but he thought that if ‘Bobby’ was going to text him, he will.

Junhoe: I’ll take you somewhere tomorrow! Sleep well HYUNG.

He smiled. For the first time tonight, Jinhwan smiled as he pictured Junhoe’s goofy self while typing this message. It was not that Jinhwan is oblivious, but rather, he didn’t know how to find space for someone else if Hanbin greedily took up all the space in his heart.

Jinhwan: That hyung sounded great. See you tomorrow kid.

He carefully placed his phone facing down as he turned to look at those letters lying on the table once again. Nobody knew how messed up his world is, and nobody knew how tiring it was today. Hanbin, ‘Bobby’ and Junhoe; as the three of them raced through his mind, Jinhwan was afraid; afraid of what really lies ahead waiting for him. How much longer can he heart take these years of waiting for someone who could have already left his world for good? How much courage does he need to unravel this new friend he made today? How much longer can he pretend to be unaware of some feelings?

“Hanbinnie… That ‘Bobby’ guy is too much like you. This drives me crazy,” Jinhwan chuckled as he slowly keeps those letters away. Nobody really knew if it was tears that stained the pillows, but those soft murmurings in his sleep spoke everything about his helplessness.

Thinking can only serve to measure out the helplessness of thought.

----------

The height difference between the two was amazingly cute. Even by ignoring the length of Junhoe’s long legs, when the two sat next to each other, it has got to be an adorable sight. The morning sun shone brightly into the car as the smaller sized boy naturally squint his eyes from the hurting rays, unaware of the charm his was displaying that formed a smile on someone else’s face. Of course the car ride started off really peaceful, since it is too early in the morning but that doesn’t mean the duo won’t start bickering any time soon.

“Hyung, your cheeks are getting puffier,” Junhoe laughed as he noticed the puffed up cheeks from his peripheral vision. Knowing well enough that the younger boy was going to with the hidden meaning implied, Jinhwan retorted.

“Yah, I told you I could get onto the car on my own just now! I didn’t ask you to carry me… Stop trying to find excuses to intimate with me!” Jinhwan attempted to reply slyly, yet the innocence on that face can’t get him anywhere near Goo Junhoe’s standard.

“More like you’re afraid that I’ll tell the world someone had put on weight?” Junhoe laughed as he watched Jinhwan sigh in defeat, head turning against him. Junhoe smiled, knowing that Jinhwan seemed a little better than yesterday. He supposed that he did make the right choice to spare the older boy some time alone yesterday to clear up anything that was bothering him. For all that Junhoe had done, he was never hoping for Jinhwan to return him any favour. But sometimes, while he watches the boy’s mind wandering into someone else’s heart, he wondered if Jinhwan ever realized his heart.

“I’m kidding, you’ve grown lighter again. Stop making people around you worry…” The younger boy mumbled his words towards the end, wondering if Jinhwan caught them or if Jinhwan could even understand what he really meant.

“What? Are you sure you’re worried for me or are you just not done teasing me?” Jinhwan replied cutely after a long silence. He pouted slightly to show some discontentment while Junhoe just gave a sassy shrugged, not intending to give the older boy an answer at all.

“Gomawo Junhoe ah…” Jinhwan whispered, turning over to look at the boy next to him as he flashed the sweetest smile ever. That moment, Junhoe was wondering what really goes behind that word of gratefulness. Was it acknowledgement? Thankfulness? Or was it a hint to tell him that it was all that Jinhwan could really return for everything he had done these years? Ironically, humans are still selfish, and while they say that the greatest love is selflessness, it was just too fairytale-like.

The car ride wasn’t short. At least from where Jinhwan stayed, it was a long journey to the place Junhoe was heading towards. The taller boy ended the car engine as he turned to look at the sleeping boy next to him. Right beneath those eyes were thick and dark eye bags that can’t even be hidden. He knew well enough that yesterday must have been tiring for the older boy. As much as he really wishes to know what was the knot in Jinhwan’s heart all these years, he didn’t dare to ask. It was such a strong gut feeling that was telling him the truth behind everything was going to disappoint him. And so, Junhoe took what he perceived as the easier way out, as he chose to stay by Jinhwan’s side silently, not probing into his past, not finding out what exactly happened before they met despite all his curiosity.

“I wish I could resolve the problems behind your frowns…” he sighed, carefully opened the door to retrieve Jinhwan’s wheelchair before waking the older boy up.

However, the noise and jerks of the door closing was enough to bring the boy out of his dreamland. Jinhwan carefully opened his eyes as he watched Junhoe helping him onto the wheelchair. He smiled, and what really goes behind those smiles were unintentional heartaches that Jinhwan was unaware of as well.

“Don’t look at me with those eyes… I prefer the Jinhwan that argues with me. At least I’m the only person you’ll argue with!” Junhoe snort playfully as he gently ruffled Jinhwan’s hair. But that instant, Jinhwan thought he saw hope in Junhoe’s eyes, which he had tried so hard to avoid for the long eight years. If he was to give a list of people in his life, then maybe Junhoe will be the last person he will ever hurt.

“Ferris wheel?” the older boy asked as his eyes remained on the huge circle in front of him. He had never been on a Ferris wheel, and if one knows him well enough, then maybe going onto the wheel was the biggest wish after Hanbin’s return. Jinhwan never really thought of going onto one ever since Hanbin left.

Flashback:

“Wahhhhh…” Jinhwan wowed in awe as he stared at the huge Ferris wheel moving. It looked so small from where he was; yet his eyes sparkled upon the magnificent attraction. A smile was carved on his face as he marveled at the Ferris wheel, not even listening to Hanbin and his Mi