For the longest time, it was always Jinki singing him to bed. It had started one of those nights when just about everything was bringing him down. He can’t even remember what exactly had gotten him so upset – enough for him to even shed tears as he curled up in the manager’s room unwilling to show his other team members how weak he was. They already treated him specially because of his young age. It would be unfair towards them if only he had the privilege to act the kid that he knew even his hyungs were.

It so happened that Jinki entered the room to collect some documents in the midst of it all, catching the maknae of the group crying silently to himself. Without even a word, his eyes softened at the sight. Being the leader of the group has led him to such a sight many times with all the members; yet seeing this young passionate boy getting slowly getting brought down by the media, made the leader’s heart clench. There was also this sense of familiarity whenever he sees the members crying because they went through the hardships together.

“Taem,” Jinki got on his knees to crawl up to the youngest.

“Oh-” Taemin quickly wiped away his tears roughly in his small delicate wrists before looking up and squeezing a tiny smile. “Hyung- Hyung, you’re here,” he greets timidly. Jinki smiles back. There was a moment of silence between the two just staring at each other before Jinki wordlessly takes Taemin’s petite figure into his arms so that his chest was pressed against the younger’s back. Taemin tensed up sharply and slowly melted into the elder’s arms, the blanket of silence wrapping around them without any awkwardness.

“You saw, huh?” Taemin finally asked with his head bowed down. Jinki tightly nodded against Taemin’s shoulder. If Jinki’s purpose of hugging him was to comfort him, it was not working because he just felt like crying even more than before now. The physical presence of the leader of SHINee holding him even when they both knew that Jinki had it tougher than he did, made the guilt bite down in his chest. Having a fellow member here who is staying strong while he cried, made him feel weak and useless. Knowing that he is once again showing his incompetence in terms of age or of strength, made him feel even worse.

“You’re not going to ask?” Taemin whispers to keep his voice from shaking. Jinki was just silent while his own thoughts raced through the clouds.

“Do… do you want me to ask?” Jinki asked just as quietly. Taemin jumped at Jinki’s voice nonetheless, bright quivering eyes staring back at Jinki’s as his head twisted around sharply.

“Why are you-” Taemin blurted before Jinki put a finger up to Taemin’s lips.

“I don’t want you to ask though,” Jinki squeezes an eye smile for the younger and a tear rolls down his chubby cheek at the action. Taemin gaps speechlessly at the leader who is suddenly not comforting him, but crying along with him. “But,” Jinki whispers, staring right back in Taemin’s shocked eyes. “It’s not because of you, don’t you worry about that.” When Taemin just continues staring, Jinki slowly laid his head down on Taemin’s shoulder, eyes slipping shut tiredly. It took a while, but Taemin gradually relaxed in Jinki’s arms once again, leaning his head over the leaders as they each pondered over their own troubles together.

“Do you ever think it’s unfair, hyung?” Taemin makes the first move into the sensitive topic. “That you are the leader and I am the maknae? That everyone treats me like royalty because I’m younger when really you are the one who gets handed all the work and needs the help more than I do?” Taemin can feel the steady rhythm of Jinki breathing against his neck. He counted 8 breaths before Jinki hums softly in affirmation.

“Came to mind more than once,” was Jinki’s honest answer.

“If you could choose, you’d rather be the maknae, wouldn’t you?” Taemin asked again. Unconsciously, his tears have dried up against his cheeks, the discussion becoming the only thing on his mind. “Anything apart from being the leader?” It takes Jinki a shorter time to reply this time – just 2 short breaths before he hummed a two-toned of disagreement. He doesn’t explain further. Curiosity got the better of the younger, and despite the obvious signs that Jinki would rather not talk about it, Taemin asked. “Why wouldn’t you?”

“It wouldn’t be the same.” It took 12 breaths this time and another 4 before he continued in mutters. “It wouldn’t be SHINee. If I was the maknae, you wouldn’t be here right now; and you deserved to debut… I think like this, and it gets me through the harder times.” That rendered Taemin speechless once again, but it seemed like Jinki had all the patience in the world, just waiting silently as all sorts of expressions splashed across the younger’s face.

“Do you still think I deserved to debut after seeing me today, hyung? Do you think I’m too young, too immature to handle everything?” Taemin asked softly, guiltily after a long minute of just staring at the room.

“Not at all.” Just one breath – Taemin doesn’t even know why he is keeping count. “Everyone has to let it out eventually. Not just you, but Minho, Kibum, Jonghyun, and even I. We all have our moments; you don’t have to be embarrassed about it. It’s part of this industry, a part of life for us. Instead of saying you’re too immature, I’d say you grew up way too quickly – that’s why the hyungs want to help retain what little childhood you have.”

They sat there in silence, leaning against each other until Taemin finally let out a sigh and cracked a small but genuine smile. “Thanks, hyung. You may not realize it but just talking to you like this made me feel much better.”

Taemin counted 23 breaths and he might have lost count somewhere in between it all. It was almost as if Jinki wasn’t intending to respond at all, but he eventually did.

“Since I answered your questions, would you listen to me just for a couple of minutes?” Jinki asked in a near monotonous tone. It was scary to hear Jinki speak so emotionlessly when the leader was such an actively emotional and caring person on normal circumstances.

“Of course, hyung,” Taemin answered maybe way too quickly. Jinki asked no questions, spoke no complains. Instead, the vocalist did what he could do best – he sang. His voice filled with strong, deep emotions. The feeling seemed to shudder into Taemin’s bones, the persistence and yet the stress, the strength and the weaknesses, the pain and the carefreeness, every emotion poured into the notes belted out of Jinki’s powerful vocals. It was around the fourth song that Taemin stopped keeping track of what Jinki was singing or what the lyrics had meant because it didn’t seem like the elder was considering all that. Jinki was just using singing as a way to vent, just like how he asked questions and seek for answers to clear his mind. At the end of the day, he didn’t know if Jinki was singing to comfort him, or to comfort himself. Maybe it was both.

It was the first of many nights, and Taemin found himself waking up in his own bed where Jinki must have brought him back to. Neither of them spoke a word of the emotional night they had the following day; but when the time came that Taemin found too many questions clouding up his mind, somehow he would find himself asking the leader and eventually getting sung back to a sweet slumber to that gentle but steady voice against his ear.

This was how I envisioned them backhugging, except they're seated on the ground :3 Adorable little creatures. 

Anyway, to all those who read my previous stories, I'm sorry I disappeared for so long without any warning whatsoever. I tend to do that a lot, nothing to be alarmed about. I haven't been writing for a long time so this is my attempt at getting back into the flow of writing but I feel like my style has changed a lot since even though I have not written much during my gap period. I have written tons of uncomplete fics that I just lost my plot line half way through or gave up on sooner than I thought and that is why I wrote out this entire fic before I started to post it. 

And to all new readers (since this shipdom is vastly growing), look out for more angst next chapter. I haven't written something this emotional in a long time but the next chapter might make some of you cry (I think, and evilly hope xD) so keep some tissues with you ^^. 

Till then, Ciaos