Story: Talking eyes

Reviewer: Exotics44

It’s interesting and is related to your story.

Description: 5/5

It had everything a description needed to have. Great job.

Grammar: 4/10

I spotted a lot of mistakes and I’ll be going through some. Take note that a lot of these mistakes were spotted in the first few chapters and you did fix them later.

“...Uncle Doni...”

You don’t have to put uncle.

‘De’ should be ‘ne’.

‘Yumi-ha’ should be ‘Yumi-sshi’.

‘Agnon haseyo’ should be ‘Annyeonghaseyo’     

‘Agnon’ should be ‘annyeong’

I have noticed that this particular mistake happens a lot of times... it’s the ___, _____ & I mistake. Let’s go through it.

I’m pretty sure if you have attended any sort of English class before, 80% they will have taught you this... :).

For example:

 Jinah, Jihyun & I were doing...

INSTEAD OF

Me, Jinah & Jihyun were doing...

‘Cincia’ should be ‘jinja or jeongmal’

‘wue’ should be ‘wae’

‘mol’ should be ’mwoya or mwo’

A few things I would like to highlight to you.

1) Since Yumi is familiar with the people in YG, instead of her calling everyone (okay, not everyone but the people in sweet stones and so on...) by their full names, e.g. Yang Suk Ki, she should call them by their given name, e.g. Suk Ki.

2) Your sentences are not so choppy but you should try to have longer sentences.

3) Use descriptive sentences or phrases to show how the person felt and use the ‘show not tell’ method.

For example, Yumi was embarrassed.

If I add in a descriptive phrase or two, it’ll really show how embarrassed Yumi was.

Yumi wished that the ground would open and swallow her.

Vocabulary: 5/10.

Reading more English books will help you in this area.

Effect on me: 3/10

I have already stated that I’m not a YG fan probably slightly Anti-YG for some reasons. You may wonder why I gave you a 3 instead of 0. I liked the plot.

Flow: 9/10

The story’s progression is good, but the imitate scenes came in a little too fast.

Sentence Structure: 9/10

Use connectors to connect your sentences. The fluidity is there but can be improved more.

Quotes: 10/10

I counted the sneak peek for the prologue as a quote. It really intrigued me into finding out why the president had interrogated (sort of) Yumi and G Dragon.

Poster: 3/5.

It’s nice.

Characters: 16/20

You really brought out the personalities of the characters.

Yumi: I’m glad that she is not innocent. I can see that she has a positive attitude somewhere in her but her negative side overpowers her that’s why she feels that she is not good enough for G Dragon. I also felt sympathy for her as she had a traumatising past.

G Dragon: I can tell that he is really protective over Yumi and even though he doesn’t like his fans because they get in the way of his relationship, he still loves them. He also has a positive-negative issue going on...

OVERALL: 76/100

GREAT JOB! YOU CAN DO EVEN BETTER!

Notes: Get a co-author or beta-reader to beta read the chapter for you.