The title sounded more like a vampire story, not really like how your story goes.

Description: 5/5.

I like it, simple and short yet can tell us a lot of things. You did not give out too much information. I would have given you a 4 but the part where the questions were had an effect!

Grammar: 7/10.

An 8 would have been given but a lot of mistakes were made, I’ll clarify them now, they are not related but I just want to clarify.

These are just some of the examples.

Original:“...and dissolved into... of my belly...”

Correction:“...and dissolve into... of my stomach...”

Stick to one tense, you seem to be leaning towards the present, so stick with it.

Original: “A ticklish crisp of cold...”

Correction: “A ticklish crisp of cold air...”

Without air, the sentence will be incomplete.

There is a few more.

Original: “ ...bows at me...”

Correction: “...bows to me...”

Original: “... she get a catch to look at him?”

Correction: “...she get a chance to look at me?”

This is from Sehun’s POV, so ‘me’ would be a better fit.

Original: “She made sure that she revealed her recently shaven legs. Sehun wasn’t lured though.”

Correction: “She made sure that she revealed her recently shaven legs, despite all of this, Sehun was not lured.”

Too many sentences. Use connectors. See, it looks choppy when I do that. For better flow, you should use connectors.

Vocabulary: 10/10.

I am extremely pleased with your vocab. You use a lot of phrases to describe a person’s thoughts or feelings and have successfully captivated me by using the ‘show not tell’ method (ever heard of this?). Overall, keep up the good work!

Effect on me: 9/10.

Sehun’s my 2^nd bias in exo lol, D.O wins... :)

Flow: 10/10.

The story’s progression is not too fast and not too slow, which is very rare. I like how you have a mini flashback thingy... no idea how to describe...  

Sentence structure: 8.5/10.

In one paragraph, you have a lot of sentences, which makes it choppy and the fluidity is not there. Try using connectors instead.

Quotes: 5/5.

I counted the questions as a quote.

Poster: 5/5

It’s so beautiful... –cries- I don’t have one for my stories...yet 

Characters: 14/20

You lack in this department... but did a great job into making everyone into a sinful bastard...

Ahri/Juliette: Yay! Finally, she is not innocent; too many stories have an innocent OC as the main. –celebrates- But, I don’t see her personality... 

Sehun: slightly developed, still can’t find his personality... 

Baekhyun: To me, Baekhyun’s a lust-filled person especially in the beginning, the prologue... hehehe... and a very very selfish bastard.

OVERALL: 87/100

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Notes: Get a co-author or beta-reader to beta read the chapter for you.