It took a few tries, but eventually the lighter caught and lit the room in a small pool of orange light. Suho hated having to buy new lighters, some friends joking of a back alley smoking habit. Truth be told, he just really ing loved candles. This one he bought at some small family shop that handmade their soaps and candles and it looked really pretty under the store lights, deep purple and sparkled in a few places. The smell of lavender began to creep throughout the studio apartment as Suho opened his barely there closet and hung his jacket on the hanger. The night had not gone over so well, the familiar sense of insecurity and frustration hovering in the back of his mind. 
Suho lived most of his life thinking he was broken, that something wasn't right and he better fix it fast before he dies alone with no wife or kids so then those kids can give him grand kids so his parents can be great grandparents and so on and so forth, blah blah blah, it was a speech his mother repeated thousands of times that ran itself into the ground. He realized something was off when playing a game of truth or dare in the second grade after he was told to tell the kids his crush.  He went home confused and bothered by the look on the children's faces when he named the boy the sat near the front of the classroom to the left by the classroom duties chart. When he was a teenager he went through a second identity crisis after realizing that, despite certainly feeling arousal and knowing that he certainly had some sort of drive present he had zero ual attraction to anything.

Suho was introduced to auality over beer and soccer on the TV with Minho, his beer untouched while Minho downed the remainder in his bottle. 
"It's just...everything goes great until I try to explain to them that yes, I am attracted to them, but I don't want to sleep with them. As if I was insulting their bedroom skills! Like I'm sure their...decent," Minho let out a humored breath. "I just don't experience that! man, I-I just don't know what's up with me."
"I mean, I'm not expert," Minho leaned forward and placed the empty glass on the table before leaning back, placing an elbow on the top of the couch and turning his torso in Suho's direction. "but I think you may want to do some research. I don't think it's anything wrong with you, it's just ty people. I think I heard Yixing arguing with someone about what your describing. You're probably just aual, no big deal."
"Excuse me? I've never even heard of it outside of, like, biology stuff." Minho shrugged.
"Jonghyun did an interview with a guy who made a community group for student who saw themselves as something other than straight or gay or whatever, he mentioned being aual. Just doesn't feel ual attracted to people. Kinda lucky, you don't have to worry about getting some disease." Suho opted out of telling Minho that lucky was an overstatement,

Suho peeled off his shirt as the bath filled with water, the night's conversation a flurry over his head like a snowstorm. It was the same as every relationship that had potential: the party in question wanted him to put out, he said no, he was called a prude and the other left angry. Somewhere in the back of his mind he felt this fear grow, something telling him he wasn't lovable because he didn't want . Suho walked home at almost 1 AM, thankful for his familiarity of the area. The heat burned his skin as it breached the water's surface, turning his skin red as he sunk a foot in slowly. He slid until his back hit the porcelain and exhaled deeply. His phone was on the floor beside the tub, about to ring in three minutes. It was ritual. At about the same time after every date he was expected to spill every detail on the reasoning that it was way healthier than keeping it in. He wasn't very sure that had anything to do with someone's love life but he didn't really feel up to arguing either. Suho reached down and picked the silver phone up and stared until the screen lit up. He answered and put it on speaker before laying it back on the tiled floor.

"Hello?"
"How'd it go?" Zitao's voice was laced with excitement. Suho was pretty sure he could here Sehun giggling somewhere barely within range.
"Like ." Zitao exhaled in disbelief.
"Seriously? Again? Where's this er live, I will make him sorry I am trained." the voice that was most likely Sehun said something around the lines of "your dog has bigger balls than you" and Zitao swearing, but Suho couldn't be sure.
"It's fine, Zitao. Either he'll call back or I'm back to window shopping. It's no big deal."
"Suho, why'd the guy leave? Did he at least take you home or call you a taxi?" the voice that was now certainly Sehun was loud against the receiver. "Like what happened?"
"I told him I didn't want to sleep with him. And no, I took myself home."
"What a ing wow." there was shuffling on the other end before a sigh into the receiver. "It's late. Why don't you get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow?" Zitao regained control of the phone, concern laced carefully between the words.
"Okay. Goodnight, Taozi." 
"Goodnight ." Sehun was able to shout half a farewell before Zitao hung up.

Sehun was half asleep at the counter in front of the coffee machine, Candy weaving between his legs after a tennis ball that was as big as her head. Suho was still trying to catch his breath from the early morning run along the river as Zitao bent down to pick up the little white furball skidding along the kitchen floor toward him in excitement. Suho settled at the bar and ran his hands over his face as if it were going to refresh him. The chill of the late fall morning mixed with sweat made him shiver in the stool and cross his arms to try and keep in heat. Sehun pushed his head up from the counter, brown hair awkwardly fanned against his forehead and blinked a few times at Suho.
"You want me to turn the heat on? We keep it kind of cold in here, sorry." Suho tried waving the offer away as Sehun was already walking to the thermostat in the living room, planting a kiss on the side of Zitao's nose and Candy's head on the way. Walking back, he gave a pat on Suho's shoulder turning back into the kitchen and opened the cupboard, pulling out brown matte mugs.
"You want some coffee?" the questioned was aimed at no one in particular.
"I'm good, babe. Suho?" Zitao put Candy back on the floor, who trotted to a pile of blankets on the carpeted floor. 
"Yeah, I'd love some."

Their apartment, compared to Suho's little humble one room studio, was equivalent to a house in his eyes. It was large and spacious, minimal in decoration and following some deep chocolate brown and off white color scheme. Large portraits of cities and map covered the walls and frames of each other and family were organized carefully on top of tables. A wall filled with books organized by color was just to the left of a large window framed with brown drapes that flowed all the way to the cream carpeting. It's what Tao does, getting hired by the bored and rich to decorate their homes, and in turn get a huge sum of money for it. Sehun wasn't too bad either, despite his relatively lazy demeanor. He was smart under the surface and handsome on the outside, modeling while putting himself through school for architecture of all things. They were happy and content, and Suho was jealous a bit. A steaming mug was placed in front of Suho was a soft clank, knocking him out of his reverie.
"So are you gonna take a break for awhile?" Sehun kept his eyes steady on Suho, lifting his mug to his lips sipping carefully as the steam caressed over his nose.
"Of course. It's just..." Suho heaved a sigh. "I really want to have someone I can come home to, someone there in my life but I'm growing so afraid of being in a relationship because of this expected intimacy that I don't want or even need." Sehun hummed and wrapped both hands around the mug, placing it on the other side of the bar and pressed his lips together into a firm line. Little playful growling sounds came from behind Suho and quiet pleas asking for Candy to look at the camera filled up the empty space.
"I never really thought about that."Sehun cast his eyes down at the black marble. "I guess that is a concern for some people. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at these type of things, certainly not dating things. I've been in the same relationship for, like, 800 years."
"It's alright. I just need listening ears, that's all." a sigh of defeat was released from Suho's left, Zitao slipping into the kitchen wrapping his arms around Sehun, placing his hands over the younger's and placing his chin on the other's broad shoulders.
"I'm sorry," Zitao blinked and looked up at Suho. "It must be exhausting. I know someone who feels kinda similar-"
"He said he wanted a break, Tao."
"I know what he said, it's an offer to take up when he wants if he wants."
"Would they expect me to sleep with them?" Suho's mouth hovered over the rim of the mug. Zitao made some unsure noises.
"I mean, they do sleep with people, if that's what you mean. They're chill, though. Never forces anyone to do anything they don't wanna. At least befriend them, you need someone like that in your life whether you want to date them or not. You want the number? I can hook you up."

Suho spent at least an hour staring at the number Zitao had entered into his phone a few weeks ago. He and this guy had been texting a bit back and forth before the guy asked if they wanted to meet up. So here he was, sitting in the gardens of some university with a science museum behind him. The flowers were wilting away as the first snow began to fall earlier in the day. The most he knew about this guy was he was taking a double major in history and music, he tended to visit his family most weekends, and his name Chen. He had no idea what this guy looked like or sounded like, he could be that old woman sitting on the bench near the dying pink roses for all he knew. Suho wrapped his jacket around himself tighter, refusing to wear a parka until at least 10 cm of snow was present (something else his mother yelled at him for). Suho leaned against the bench, watching the little pond stay perfectly still as footsteps crunched louder toward him. 
"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. Are you Suho by chance?" Suho looked up and inhaled slowly. The boy standing beside him was beautiful and Suho cursed his ability to fall in love so quickly. His smile was sunshine and lemonade in the summer. Warmth and tangy sweetness. His eyed were softer than down and brighter than the strongest flashlight used in the middle of the dark. He could cut himself on the cheekbones and trace perfect lines along the square jaw. Suho's heart beat was as fast as a marathon runner's, bursting and creeping along adrenaline his bloodstream and filling his stomach with knots of nervous excitement.
"Uh, yeah. Yeah that's me." the boy let out a loud, relieved sigh and plopped down beside him.
"Thank ing christ, I asked like three complete strangers and a dog. Not to say I thought you were a dog, you just could never be too sure these days." he laughed at his own joke, also loud and overjoyed. He was the embodiment of a child on Christmas or a birthday. He brushed brown hair out of his face and looked back at Suho. Suho swallowed.
"I'm Chen," he stuck his hand out to be shaken. "It's probably polite to properly introduce myself." Suho blinked the stars out of his eyes and took hold of the hand before him, cold and firm. He could feel the confidence radiate off Chen's skin. Withdrawing his hand, Chen looked back at the science building, eyes searching along the walls behind circular glasses before shifting back to the smaller man beside him.
"You wanna go in for a drink? Something warm? I walked here, I'm freezing my off." before Suho could even answer Chen was on his feet, pulling him along to the glass doors. There was something natural to the way he was being treated, as if it were ridiculous for someone he barely met to treat him any differently. There was immediate comfort in his touch, encircling him like a large thermal blanket.
His skin was struck with the warmth of the building, quickly shedding his jacket as it grew too hot inside to wear, whether it was from being indoors itself or from the affection growing at a scarily fast rate he could not tell.
"Grab a seat, I'll order some hot chocolate for us." Chen flashed him another smile as he turned away and walked over to the growing line in front of the mini coffee shop built within the food court. Suho found an empty silver table separate from the other  hordes of people near the floor length windows, snow beginning to fall again. The flakes hit the window and either stuck like glue or melted and ran down the glass. He pulled out his phone upon sitting and quickly started shooting texts to Zitao.
Why did u not tell me he's attractive :(
I said I wanted a break! Why r u doing this to me ;~;
how dare u use my hopeless romantic nature against me come fight me
he laid his phone beside him as Chen was walking up to the table, both hands full with hot chocolate and a pastry in a little paper bag. The blue gray light from outside fell gently over his face and made his eyes shine and twinkle like glitter. He settled across from him, shedding his parka and running hands up and down his sweater-covered biceps. Laying his forearms on the table, he pinched the opening of the paper bag with his thumb and forefinger, waving it in Suho's direction.
"Scone? It's blueberry."
"Oh no," Suho let out a shaky breath to calm his nerves, hoping to whatever god may listen Chen didn't notice. "I'm not really hungry." Chen nodded, lifting his near perfectly straight eyebrows.
"I see. You didn't skip lunch. I get so busy I always forget." he took a sip from the hot chocolate, wincing as he placed the cup down. Suho couldn't stop the smile creeping along his face.
"Too hot?" Chen coughed and began to laugh at himself.
"Way to hot. So. let's get to know each other, huh?" Chen's smile was brighter than city lights on the clearest nights. He was like dark chocolate on peppermint. Fresh oranges and heat waves. The burn of snow on hot skin and cinnamon candles in dim lit rooms. And Suho was falling blindly head first into him.

Chen became a regular occurrence, not necessarily by choice but of nature. Suho almost never heard him arrive, it was more like he just appeared and they started interacting like he was around the whole time. It grew strange not to see Chen's large head stuck inside the small kitchenette fridge pulling out a beer on Friday nights ("I am a living, breathing bobble head. What did I do in my past life to be cursed in such a way.") or to have that extra weight beside him in bed after late night discussions on anything from serious political debates to preferred ways to eat an Oreo cookie (Chen insisted you eat it all together. Suho thought that was blasphemy). Chen always fell asleep before Suho did, leaving him to watch the careful rise and fall of his chest and the moonlight slip out from between the curtains and fall across his body. Suho could feel the energy in his fingertips, the desire to touch and hold and keep, but dared not touch. He didn't know if his feelings were reciprocated or, if he got too close, he would run chen away with his lack of desire for any intimacy of any ual nature. So he lied and watched until his eyes burned in defiance and demand for sleep. He had grown used to Chen's loud laughter and never-ending talks about his classes two friends that apparently he was legend with for just how loud they were together. Every morning was provided with either a text or note of encouragement telling Suho just how brilliant and wonderful he thought he was, on the rare occasion Suho was able to return the favor on days he woke up before Chen. He soon started to accompany Suho and Zitao on their morning runs, establishing himself as a stable beacon in Suho's life.
Suho tried his hardest not to get to close, afraid of just how fast he could lose the company Chen provided until one night, sitting up in bed with some show Chen insisted on watching playing on his laptop. He had climbed in bed with Suho, handing over a brown bottle  before settling beside him. They were about twenty minutes into the show, much too bland for Suho's taste, before he noticed the creeping sensation of eyes on him. Suho turned to meet Chen's steady stare, something in his nearly flowing over the brim. They stayed this way for a beat, Suho certain he could hear his blood flowing at lightening speed in his ears. Chen rubbed a hand over his mouth  before twisting his body in Suho's direction.
"Can I ask you something?" Suho nodded. "You need to be honest with me, though. Don't agree because you think it's what I want to hear, alright?"
Suho swallowed thickly. "Yeah, of course."
"Can I kiss you?" Suho felt his heart stop, freeze spread over his muscles. His brain was slow to process the request, process the command to say yes while at the same time curl up in fear of the carefully built barrier he had made for himself. Chen must have seen it, carefully reaching across and cupping Suho's face with a hand before turning and placing the glass bottle in his other hand on the bedside table, then readjusting both hands so his thumbs lightly rubbed against Suho's cheekbones like feather. Suho's breath hitched as Chen leaned in, breath ghosting over lips before the soft press. He inhaled deeply and leaned in for another, hands gripping to Chen's sides desperately as if he were an anchor in reality. Suho felt his right hand slip away from his face and fingertips rest at his chest, then slide down and-
He held a firm grip on Chen's wrist, stiffened and leaned away from the confused look on the other's face.
"I'm sorry I-"
"Is something wrong? Is this too fast?" genuine concern dripped from Chen's voice, deepening the impending guilt building in Suho's stomach.
"No, I- can I have a moment? I'm gonna just go to the bathroom for a bit." he got up and dashed for the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and sliding down to the floor. He placed his head between his knees, hands laced behind his neck. It wasn't meant to get that far, he kept thinking. It wasn't meant to get that far and now everything is ruined. Right back to square one. From the other side he could here footsteps stop in front of the door and an eternity passes before there was a knock.
"Suho?" he didn't answer. "I'm sorry. I should've made sure you were okay with it before I tried to touch you like that. That was my fault." Suho straightened his back against the door and stretched his legs out before him, studying socked feet.
"You don't need to answer," Chen continued, barely audible. "I'm gonna go. I'll text you in the morning, alright?" the pit in his stomach grew, getting angry at himself for staying quiet. With a huff, Shuo scrambled off the floor and opened the door, calling out just as Chen was opening the front door and pulling an arm into his parka.
"Wait! Wait." Suho swallowed, standing straight and folding his arms to his chest. "You  deserve an explanation."
"Explanation?"
"It's just...I mean I'm pretty obvious so at this point I think you noticed that I really liked you, yeah?" Chen nodded, leaning his weight on his hand holding the door knob. "But I never tried to pursue it. I was worried that - other than the fact that maybe you didn't feel the same - that if you did like me you would expect things from me that I cannot offer." the younger knit his brow.
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is," Suho began fidgeting his fingers. "that you would expect at some point and I...I don't really know how that would work. Personally, that's not something I particularly have any desire to have or had any desire to have."
"So...you don't have ."
"I don't have , yes. It's okay if you decide to not make this, what ever it is, a thing. It wouldn't be the first time." the door closed and the sound of the parka being shed off replaced the otherwise deafening silence in the room. Chen walked over to Suho tentatively, careful to take Suho's hands in his own.
"Hey. That's fine." the older stared in disbelief, trying to process what he was hearing.
"Are-are you serious?"
"Of course I'm serious. I really like you and I want to be with you. It's late, why don't we go to bed and discuss this in the morning, yeah?"
"Yeah."

Suho spent the night curled to Chen's side, becoming familiar to the sound of a second heartbeat and being lulled to sleep with the extra warmth of another body cuddling to his.