December 14th

This day last year, at around mid noon, you approached me to order your drink. I can still remember it clearly. You ordered your favourite coffee drink, and a conversation bloomed while one of my colleagues was preparing your drink. Your eyes would twinkle when you laugh, and it instantly got my heart beating. How did you do that? My face even got god knows how red it was when we exchanged numbers. Having you as a regular customer and constantly chatting with you shouldn't make me nervous, but of course I was. When you left the cafe, all I could think of were your eyes and your smile. My goodness Luhan. You are very addicting, you know that?

January 10th 2013

I am so grateful you sent me to school today, although I don't really appreciate the looks you got from the girls. You would be surprised to hear that I made a lot of friends today, or at least that's what they thought. I barely talked to them. All they asked was about you and it annoyed me because you're mine and I don't like the idea of people stealing you away so I just nodded to whatever they were saying. Thank god it was only the first day of school, or I would have missed out on so much lessons - not like it mattered.

April 19th

College is so boring, hyung. How did you survive? The first thing I want to do the moment i step into class is just sleep. Everyday. But I guess it's okay now because I skipp classes sometimes. Don't worry about my studies. Jongin helps me out every week - which I'm so thankful of. But you should be here instead, hyung. You should be helping me out with my studies. You said so yourself. Oh wait, you're too busy with Yi Fan regarding your business in China. Hyung, hurry and come back home. Oh yeah and, happy birthday hyung. Thank you for the cartier bracelet. I think it's time to start to look like your age.

May 4th

Thank you for saying yes. I love you.

July 23rd

I'm glad you like our house. Honestly, I was already looking for it way before we got engaged. I had some help from Chanyeol hyung and got it reserved just in case the plan failed. But hey, here we are. Happily married and living together. I can't wait for us to adopt kids. You would never fail to mention about it and I can't wait for that smile to be plastered on your face when we adopt one, because your smile is my favourite.

October 10th

You're going to be okay, right? I hate how the doctors kept telling me that the chances of you healing is low. Whatever. I know you won't leave me. You promised. You never break your promises and I trust you. You'll get better. You're strong... and manly. Oh my god I'm cringing as I write this. Anyway, school is over, so I'll be visiting you more frequently now. I can't wait to hear your laugh again, hyung.

December 28th

They told me it's getting worse. The chemos are not working and the tumor...

You were fine 3 days ago. You looked fine as we celebrated christmas together. Despite being in a hospital bed, your eyes twinkled. You were elated. You were perfectly fine months ago too. How did this even happen? This is not suppose to happen. We were suppose to live happily. Going on dates every once in a while, having movie nights on fridays with pizza like we always do. Damn, I'd rather you go overseas for business for weeks, months or maybe years than seeing you lying sickly in bed.

But it's okay. You promised me we'll be together forever, and I'll hold on to that promise.

January 26th 2014

I dropped out, hyung. Being married and going to college is weird. Jongin was right. He dropped out the moment he proposed Kyungsoo. Maybe I should listen to him more like how I used to. Maybe I should listen to him when he asks me to stop being so zombie-like, to start living again. But I can't help it, can I? How can I sleep well knowing you're sleeping in an uncomfortable bed there? How can I eat well knowing you eat the same thing everyday? How can I be happy knowing you're suffering? It's all weird. It doesn't feel right. Jongin gets so worried he got Chanyeol and Junmyeon to check up on me. They take turns. But no there's progress, like they said. All I do is either visit you or hide in my room.

Hyung, hurry up and get better. I'm dying here myself.

February 14th

Yesterday was such a happy day. Seeing you smile is the best thing ever. I felt a little bit sorry for Jongin & Kyungsoo, for having to celebrate their birthday at such place... They said it was fine but I still feel bad. I'm glad, though. A lot of people came, in case you didn't notice. Junmyeon, Yi fan, Chanyeol, Baekhyun and the others, as your friends were Jongin and Kyungsoo hyung's mutuals. I wish you were there to see the amount of people that came. Even our parents came, coincidentally. You went to bed too early, not like it was your fault.

I miss you, Luhan. You're right here beside me, but I just miss you. We barely converse and if we do, you're only able to write it out. I miss hearing your voice, your laughter. Although your handwriting is scribbled, I'm able to read it, and I hate how my eyes get watery when I read it.

I love you too, Luhan. I really do.

February 20th

I thought you promised me you would never leave me. Why did your break that promise? I trusted you, Luhan. I hate you for that.

February 25th

I hate funerals, you know? They're so depressing. Especially when the memories all come back. I hated it when I had to say my speech. What was I suppose to say? "Oh Luhan hyung was a great husband, I'm glad I met him blablabla" ? Nah, none of that. I decided to pass. Jongin told me that I looked so pale, and my eyes were bloodshot. Who cares how I look like. You're not here. There's no point.

Jongin also asked me why do I still call you hyung when we're married. All I could think about how my name sounded when you said it. Sehunnie.. Sehun-ah.. I miss it, you know?

Jun 18th

I don't want to live anymore, hyung. I miss you. I need you. I love you...

4 months after, Sehun finally had the courage again to visit their old home back in the city. He wrote a quick message on a post-it informing Jongin that he will be back soon, and left the house. He let out a huge sigh as he slowly walked to the carpark and approached his car. Seeing it already brought pain, as it was Luhan's, but he brushed it off and drove back home. To his home.

He unlocked the door and turned the knob around, revealing a very deserted living room. Dust collected in every corner and every furniture, it made Sehun's nose itch. The usual smell of Luhan's cologne was long gone, Sehun noticed. Stepping inside as he breathed in and out, trying to calm himself, he walked up to their bedroom. He never really had a reason why he went back, but he didn't exactly have a reason to not go. Telling himself that he has had enough time to mourn, he took a deep breath and enetered the room, and his vision got blurry.

He went through everything inside the room and stopped at the night stand. He spotted a pink book - somewhat looked like a diary - and picked it up. He smiled a little while thinking, how typical. Of course Luhan's diary was pink. He scanned the cover page, expecting so see something that might catch his eye, but it's just a plain pastel pink book. He flipped through the pages and read them as he sat on the bed, smiling to himself as he read the diary entry. It was all from when he was in college up to this year, when he was already working. He continued reading as he was curious about Luhan's thoughts about himself, and Sehun chuckled when Luhan wrote that Sehun was "too attractive to be real".

Turning page after page, he reached the last entry, and Sehun read it carefully, as the handwriting was hard to read. As he was reaching the last few sentences, hot tears were already streaming down his face. He thought he wouldn't cry ever again, but he couldn't bottle them up anymore.

February 2nd

I see you've found my diary. How long did it took for you to find it? I hope it wasn't that long. I like reading your letters, and I'm sorry I never reply them. Anyway, how are you? You should be living happily right now. I hope you're doing fine and you're healthy and happy. That is all I ask for. 

Where do I start? Thank you, for always conversing with me back when we first met. I was always scared you would get bored of me but I guess not. Thank you for wanting to be my boyfriend. I was so worried you would reject me. That would be very awkward. Thank you for proposing. I could never ask for anyone else to marry. Thank you for marrying me. I always love the thought of spending my entire life with you. Thank you for buying such a beautiful house. You were always such a gentleman. How can I not fall for you? Thank you for staying with me. I was terrified you would leave once you knew about my tumor. Thank you for making me happy. You were always by my side. Your eye smile is really cute, did you know that? I always thought I would be miserable, but having you made me forget about my tumor. Your laughter is like music to my ears. Your pout would always make me feel all protective of you. Your touch would always send shivers down my spine.

My hand hurts a lot, Sehun-ah. But I'll continue writing. Because you, are worth sacrificing for. You are worth it. Man, you deserve the entire world. I wish I could give you more but I'm just laying here pathetically. 

Sehun, thank you for everything. You made me feel alive. I want to run my hands through your hair and kiss your forehead but I'm already having a hard time writing.

Sehun, I won't ever leave you, I promise. I'm still here. I'm watching over you

Sehun, don't miss me too much, alright?

Sehun, I love you.