“What’s depression like?”

She chuckles lightly, brushes her fringe away from her face. It is about time she gets a haircut and does something about herself, but no. “You won’t understand even if I told you.” She replies, kicking the remains of her half-eaten pizza off of her bed, wanting to go back to sleep, but he stops her. “Joohyun, let me help you.”

She breaks into a grin, shaking her head and she sits up. “It’s like you’re drowning. Except you can see everyone else around you breathing,” she pauses, “and you feel helpless.”

“Do you know that feeling? Feeling unwanted? I wake up wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next day so I wouldn’t be a burden towards you anymore, towards anyone else.”

“But, yo-“

“I know!” Joohyun screams at him, “I know what you’re going to say. You may say that I’m not a burden, but time takes a toll on a person.” She holds her hand up, stopping him from interrupting her anymore. “It’s like should I feel proud for holding out for this long or should I feel pathetic for still having this pain harbouring in my heart after so long?”

Yonghwa stays silent, hands fiddling with his phone – a habit he has whenever he does not know what to say.  

“ off.” She tells him, pulling her covers above her head.

Yonghwa hangs around her apartment for a while. He does not know what to do, he is lost and no one is around to guide him to the correct way. It is like Joohyun is never pleased with anything he says. He is trying to help her, but it is obviously not looking good on Joohyun’s side. His girlfriend explodes at his every attempt to bring her out of her shell.

“It’s nice.” She says, smiling as she scoops up the mint chocolate ice-cream.

Being with Joohyun is like being with a ticking bomb. You will never know when she will explode, but Yonghwa does not mind it one bit. Even though Joohyun dumps the entire bowl of ice-cream on his head two minutes after she got tired of it, Yonghwa follows her in case she does something even more drastic.

Sometimes Joohyun has good days, most of them end up badly, but Yonghwa follows up with aftercare for her.

“Please kill me.” Joohyun begs, tears streaming her pale cheeks. She has not eaten for five days; she confessed when Yonghwa questions her sudden weight loss.

He looks at her with confused eyes. “I- I can’t. I ju-“ He chokes at his own words as Joohyun breaks into another round of sobs.

Joohyun feels dead. She feels empty – nothing interests her anymore. She looks over to her boyfriend who is sleeping on her couch, dead to the world. She timidly steps forward. She forgot how long it has been since he suffered because of her. She cannot help but to feel like she should die to make it up to him, but he begs her to stay.

It is utter chaos in her head.

One minute she is laughing about something Yonghwa said, the next minute she is crying because she accidentally dropped her spoon.

“It’s okay, baby.” Yonghwa would always say, huddling her closer to his chest as she sobs.

However, it is not okay. The sadness is draining her strength, her warmth that Yonghwa loves whenever they cuddle in the past. Everything is so hard.

“Here.” Yonghwa passes her a spoon as she nervously looks around her surroundings. She has not been out for a month, and the anxiety is killing her. “Joohyun, I’m here.” He holds her hand throughout the meal, occasionally feeding Joohyun when she is too exhausted.

“Aren’t you tired?” She whispers, eyes fluttering shut.

“I’m never tired when it comes to you.”

“Hello?” Joohyun’s voice comes through the speaker, Yonghwa tells her to wait a second because he has both hands filled with his lecture notes. He has a lot of catching up to do – from English to Calculus. Not to mention the countless projects. “Hello? Joohyun, are you there?”

He hears her giggle, “Yes, I am.” Yonghwa could hear the sound of wind blaring against the speaker unlike the usual background silence.

“Are you outside?”  He asks, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“Hell yeah, I am!” She shouts when she sees Yonghwa walking out of his academy, waving excitedly at him. “I’m driving.” She tells him, dumping his bag at the backseat. Yonghwa cannot help but to stare at her with a confused gaze. Joohyun is never one to volunteer to drive, especially after that car accident with her sister which caused her to suffer from depression.

Yonghwa straps himself to the passenger’s seat unlike Joohyun who simply started driving without putting on her seatbelt. “Shouldn’t you put on your seatbelt?” He stares at her, shivers spiralling down his spine when Joohyun lifts her hands off the steering wheel.

“Joohyun! What are you doing?” He screams trying to gain control of the steering wheel but Joohyun bites his hands off.

“I’m sorry, I’m really am.” Joohyun tells him, with tears staining her face as their car spins uncontrollably.