I'm always wondering, how come something could be so wrong when it feels so right? Is it my own fault for keep guessing and never have a gut to clear the confusion? Maybe I'm the one who is wrong for making my own conclusion when the fact is I'm in no position to do so. Yeah, in the end of the day it's all my fault. 

I never tell him how much I love him in the real meaning of love, I never let him knows how much I want him to be more than just a friend and I barely show him my true feeling as I'm afraid it would ruin our beautiful friendship. One thing is, I never think of his as a friend of mine. It's just like one-sided friendship when he's the only who keeps treating me like a friend when he doesn't know what he receives all this time is love. And it's literally one-sided love when I'm willingly let myself falling more deep for him but he never think of me as more than a friend. 

The night he told me that there is someone special in his heart, I swallowed all the pain I felt deep down so that my tears won't drop in front of him. When he came to me and said he is ready to confess, I heard something is breaking inside me. 

Krystal. She has everything I never have - caring parents, supportive siblings and perfectly harmony family. It's something which I truly carve since forever. I can't think of girl in ual way but generally she's pretty, undoubtedly. I still remember how Jongin portrayed her; for him she is almost angelic. I can't forget the smile he puts on his face when he spent the whole night by talking about Krystal while gazing at the beautiful night sky. For the very first time, Jongin said he met someone who is more dazzling than the most sparkling star on sky. My heart is aching, terribly and wanting him to stop but I don't want to lead this situation to a more painful way. Eventually, I'm the only one who gets hurt. 

I'm sitting by my window and waiting for Jongin to come home. We're renting the same house right after graduated when we planned to live together since then. This house is our heaven. I imagined so many things to do with him together in the future; waking up earlier to prepare him breakfast while he is busy keeping me warm in his hug, preparing the bed every night before sleep and he will whisper romantic words before both of us falling asleep or dancing to our own humming and treasure new place together. 

I think I'm too much. I feel like I'm destroying myself. The damage is already this huge and one more, it surely can't be fixed any good. I'll be lying if I say I never try to vanish the feeling I put on him, but how to get rid of the untold love when I have to face him everyday? Is it possible to get rid of this feeling so that I don't have to run to the bathroom to hide my tears every time he talks about Krystal? It's been almost 9 months, yet I still feel something in my chest is tightening. I need a cure for this kind of pain. 

It's almost 10PM. I look at my phone to check if there is any call or text from him. But I got none. Jongin promised to try my new recipe for dinner but until now he still hasn't show up yet. Should I call him to find out his location or should I just go to sleep? Should I have a try? Yea, one phone call won't hurt anyone right. If it's me, I don't mind anymore.

After a few seconds he picks up his phone. "Hello. Kyungsoo?" I love his velvet voice. I have lost my count on how may times I told myself how much I love it. 

"Hey Jongin. Where are you?" I ask carefully and relaxly, not wanting to sound desperate or anything. 

"I'm at Krystal place. She's moving in today. Why?" He asks me, I guess he forgot about the promise. 

"Ouh nothing. It's just, it's okay, I will keep the dinner for you. I can heat it back when you come home. Hahaha." I laugh and try to hint him something at the same time. Jongin never forget about his promises. Usually he's the one who will demand from me. He changes a little bit recently and I don't like it. 

"Ouh my God!" He shouts on the line, remembering something. "Omo Kyungsoo, I'm truly sorry! I totally forgot about it. But please keep it, I don't want to miss you new recipe please." He begs and stop talking. Waiting for my reply but I'm frozen in time when I could detect the background music. If I'm not mistaken, Jongin composed it when we're still in the university. 

"Urm, Jongin, isn't it....." I can't finish my question when he interupts. 

"Exactly." He giggles like a kid. "I played it again a few weeks ago and recorded it. You know, Krystal wants to celebrate her new house and we're having, kinda, romantic dinner just now." I imagine he is blushing so hard right now. 

"Aha, I see. So I bet you won't coming home tonight?" I fake a playful teasing voice. I like torturing myself, I guess. It's getting addicting now. 

"Noooo I still will. It's not proper to spend my night here. Hahaha. I will reach our house before midnight." Our house..... 

"Okay Jongin. Drive safely." I end the phone call when he hums 0-K as reply. 

I feel like I want to cry myself again tonight while listening to sad songs. It's like my routine lately but I'm tired enough of this over thinking. I finally decide to take my sleeping pills and ignore the reality for several hours. I want to take extra, but I know it's pointless. No matter how long I sleep, even for 2 weeks straight, when I wake up from my sleep I still need to deal all of this.

p/s: I'm in the mood to cry the whole day lately so yeah. I might enjoy this alone LOL but I need to write something to avoid myself slap everyone who walks in front of my eyes ~