April 18, 2014: Friday: 11:40 PM

 

Days had passed and also I and Yongguk’s anniversary is finished. This is the day before my birthday.

I was sitting beside myself with everyone here also.

 

“Himchan.”

 

“Who said that?” I quickly stand up and search the room of who might be calling me. I know it’s not from my group and it’s a male’s voice.

 

“Himchan…” He called me for the second time. I roam around my eyes but still I can’t find the one who is calling me. “Who are you? Please show up!”

 

“You can’t see me, Himchan… I’m the one who was sent here to come and get you.”

Get me? From what?

 

“It’s your time….”

 

 

---- 11:44pm

 

I was startled. Frozen in place also. Why would be this time?! “No… no, no…. NO! I can’t! I can’t leave them be! You can’t make me leave!” I’m shouting at nobody whom I can’t see. And even I shout here for a hundred time, no one would ever hear me except this nobody.

 

“WE can’t do anything about it… I’m fetching you right now…”

 

I started to cry and everything in my heart just sink like a wilted flower drowning in the sea. Even though it’s been almost a year roaming around and watching out them, I won’t lose hope that, one day, I’ll come back to life. But why?! I made their hopes high and with just one moment, I’ll leave them without a word? I hate myself for not doing anything that can make them happy. Why does it have to be the worst pain I have to experience in my whole life?!

 

“NO! I’m staying here. I won’t go anywhere and make them miserable and broken If I leave…”

 

“Haven’t you realized that they’re already broken and their lives are miserable?” he asked me. He’s right. They’re miserable right now. But—if I leave, won’t they feel more miserable? I was silent at a moment, thinking what I should do.

 

“Himchan… even as much as we wanted to give you another chance to live with them; you can’t. I’m sorry.”

 

 

----- 11:50pm

 

“What?! You won’t give a chance? Why?! As much as I can recall, I didn’t do anything that would make you all hate me like this and do something inhumanly! Why are you all so against of having me back in my body?! Can’t you see them? They are waiting for nothing if I leave now! Please… I can’t leave them like this.” Tears fall down nonstop. I’m tearing apart. My world collides every time he said that I should leave.

 

 

I just can’t….

 

“Himchan. Make a decision. I’ll give you choices: you’ll continue to live here but only as a ghost and try to give them more burden and high hopes? Or you’ll leave them but make them happy because for the sake of their health and heart, it’s finish. Choose. I’ll give you a minute.”

 

And then he didn’t speak. He didn’t listen to my plea.

I started to think and think. It’s very hard! Now that I have to accept that I can never go back to what I am before.

I looked at them. Junhong is sitting on the couch with Jongup. Youngjae is sleeping while Daehyun is reading a book. Yongguk is beside me, still watching out for me. How can I leave these people? But--- for the sake of their living and happiness-----

 

 

------ 11:56pm

 

“Have you made your decision, Himchan?”

 

I nodded. And I think, this will be a good decision because I know that they are

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even without me….

 

“I’m going with you. But can you do me a favor?”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Can you give me a chance to speak to them?”

 

He didn’t answer at a moment. I’m nervous and terrified. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

 

“For just a minute? Can you give it to me? Or I’ll just talk to him? Please? I badly needed it!” I pointed at Yongguk and tried to compose myself and make that nobody allow me.

 

“A minute only, but----“

 

----- 11:59pm

 

3

 

 

 

2

 

 

 

 

1

 

 

---

 

April 19, 2014: Saturday: 12:00am

 

“H-Hyung??”

“Hyung?!”

“HIMCHAN HYUNG!!!!”

“No! No! Hyung please don’t do this—”

“Himchan please… You can’t leave… HIMCHAN!”

 

I shook my head at the sight. The picture of me not breathing, my heart stops beating and the only thing that was keeping me alive has come to end.

Everyone is crying.

Everyone is weeping.

Everyone is hurt and in pain.

Everyone is suffering.

Why should it be this time… But once I’ve made the decision, it’s my choice. I want to let them know that it’s better if I leave. I’ll take the risk that they hurt so much but that’s how it supposed to end. I can’t do it anymore.

 

I’m tired.

 

As much as I want, I have to endure this and move on. They also need that.

“I’ve accepted this situation… Can’t you grant my wish?”

I heard a sigh from him and he allowed me to… but only to Yongguk. Well, I was planning it only to him.

He left ne here and made me a chance but he has given me another thing….
Once I started to talk to Yongguk and he sees me, I was given just a 5-minute conversation. Well that , but at least I can get to talk to him.

 

I left the hospital for a moment, wondering what will happen if I am completely out of this world. I haven’t done tumbling in a hallway, I haven’t get an expensive thing, I haven’t steal anything (that was meant a joke), I haven’t gone for an exploration all by myself or I would like to say together with Yongguk. At this early age, I haven’t done anything that much. But because life is short, it became a worst case scenario of my life.

This day, I became 25… but this is the last time I’ll be aging in this world. Could they be used to this situation when I’m already gone and buried in a hole? Just like my dream, it came true. They are all safe but I was the only one eaten by the black hole.

I came back to our dorm first, looking all the angles even spots around the area so I wouldn’t forget all the hardships and laughs, pains and joy inside of this place we call our home. I went inside Junhong and Jongup’s shared room. They really are messy but the thing here is, they’ve grown up so much that they can be responsible enough. I came next to Daehyun and Youngjae’s room. We always go in here because it’s the biggest room. I remembered their arguments between on whose person will be in here but turns out that Dae-Jae group wins. I went everywhere. Inside the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room, mini dance practice room, and lastly, our room. I know I’ll miss everything in here. All the fun and excitement, all the joyous stories we shared and all the love we gave for each other. I hope they’ll not forget me when I bid goodbye.

 

 

----- 7:00pm

 

It’s evening again. They came back in our dorm and they even brought a cake and all my favorite things. Yongguk even bought a ring for our anniversary that we didn’t celebrated. They were crying while lighting the candles on the cake, saying all of their wishes and they even sang my favorite song after singing a happy birthday. Why do they have to do this? This makes me harder to leave them behind… After crying and greeting me a happy birthday, they went to their own business and I know they are crying again. Meanwhile, Yongguk went outside to catch up some air. Well this could be a great chance to say goodbye but I don’t want…. But if I didn’t talk to him now, my wish won’t be granted and I’ll be leaving here without a word.

I followed him wherever he go. I noticed that he is holding a letter in his hand. He just keeps on walking but I know where he will go. He stopped at a tree near the park where we actually first met before our trainee days. This is also the place where we confessed to each other and we wrote our names at the tree…. I stood back a bit far from him, watching him on what he’ll do.

 

“Himchan, 5 minutes….”

 

Well that surprises me. I thought he’s gone but he spoke up again. I think he’s still watching me also… *sigh*. Yongguk places the letter under the tree. He looked at it for a while before looking up at the tree and then on our names that is written on it.

“I hope you’ll be in a safe place Himchan… I… I’ll miss you…” he broke his voice when saying all those words. I know he is holding back his tears and sobs… “I love you.”

 

“Go now…” the nobody said with a calmer tone this time… I looked at my hands and I can sense that…. I can touch him right now. I move forward until I was behind him. I took all the courage to slowly reach for his shoulder. I’m afraid that I’ll go pass through him. But that didn’t happen.

“Yongguk?” he wasn’t turning around and I though he doesn’t heard me.

“Daehyun, please leave me alone first,” he said while wiping all the tears that are still falling down. I don’t know if I should laugh or make me cry upon hearing that he mistook me as Daehyun. I went to him closer then backhug him. This will help him know that I am here. “IT’s me….” He stopped for a moment and I heard him gulped. He slowly turned around and saw me… “H-Hi-Himchan?” his eyes are wide open. I just smile unto him and to my surprise, he hugged me tighter like I have gone for several years. I was right. I badly needed this. I hugged him back and rocked us slowly, he is starting to cry again. I shush him and pat his back. “I thought I’d never hold you like this…” I felt something weird, I pulled back and this made me notice that-----

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m fading….

 

“Yongguk, I’m a ghost now..”

“I don’t care,” he hugged me again and he never let go of me, but I have to say this to him.

“You have to listen to me…” he slowly pulled back and looked at me in the eyes… “Yongguk, I know after this moment, you’ll never see me again. I was only given a chance to say goodbye.”

“But I don’t want you to---“

“Shhh… this is my fate, Guk… We can’t do anything about it.” He started to cry again and dropped his head down while his hands are resting on my shoulders, straight and firm. He doesn’t really want me to let go. I reach out to him and cupped his cheeks, slowly raising his head until we looked at each other again.

“Yongguk, no matter what, I’ll always be here, okay? Don’t forget to clean the dorm, manager-nim doesn’t like it.” He chuckled and finally I put a smile on his face again. I wiped his tears that fell and rest my forehead on his.

 

“Himchan, 3 minutes.”

 

Aish… I wish he forget to count so I would have much time for Yongguk… “You know what?” “hmmm?” “I read all the letters you are writing for me.” “Really?” I nodded, he was surprised that he thought I won’t read them. “I was always beside all of you when you’re all busy for the past 11 months. Watching and looking out, I was always absent physically but not spiritually.”

“I really miss you, Chan…” “I know.” “And I’ll miss you again…” he kissed my forehead. When he opened his eyes, he was startled and his grip on me becomes tighter. “Wae?” “Y-You’re…. You’re fading.” I’m getting invisible… “Sorry…”

 

“1 minute.”

 

He kisses my nose, then looked at me again. “No matter what happens, I will never forget you chan.” I smiled and the tears I kept holding back falls down easily and I’d like to say this for the last minute that I’ll be in here…

 

“I love you, Yongguk.”

“I love you too… Himchan.”

 

And then we kissed each other, just as much as we wanted… I want to have a reason to live, and that is Yongguk. To give life and light to the world and to him. But this is my fate. I have to look forward and I’ll wish the heavens to still guide them. As we are kissing, I know I’m about to leave. That’s why, while he’s still holding me in his arms, I vanished and took the effort to realize that…

 

 

 

It all ends here…

 

I love you my King, Yongguk.