June 2, 2013: Sunday

I don’t understand anything but I know something is wrong. I felt the coldness and the silence that surrounds the area. Those are the reasons I sat up and open my eyes to see that I’m in a dark room.

At first, I thought I was in a black hole, eating me. Well in that case, that was my dream or should I call it a nightmare. It was terrible. I was the only one not saved and then gone. I even saw all of my members were injured but they are alive, but me? I didn’t survive.

It’s just a dream anyway. I look around and I thought we should be having our fansigning. But it turns out to be not. I looked up to the clock that is the only thing that is ticking and echoing around this room. “10:00pm?” It’s evening already but why is it so quiet tonight? I switched through places around the room but I noticed that I am the only one occupying the half-empty bed.

“Where’s Yongguk?”

I stand and walk out of the room, seeing the whole dorm is dark also. “Where is everyone?” I think they went outside and left me… Pft—how rude.

I walk and walk around and wait for them to come home. I didn’t bother to open the lights. After walking for half an hour, I sat down on the couch. I was just thinking, why can’t I remember what happened before I slept... I’m really putting efforts to it but nothing comes in my mind.

I was distracted when I heard the clicking sound of the front door. When it opened, Daehyun is the one I saw first. I was about to greet him but something stopped me. That is his sad face. “Daehyun-ah, why are you sad?” he just ignored my question and head to the kitchen where he could put all the groceries I think he bought outside.

I turned around again and saw Jongup. Why is he using crutches? Did he get involved in an accident? I am really worried now that they’ve all have bruises, bandages and even crutches for Jongup’s case. “Yah Jongup! Do you have a broken leg? What happened? Hey!” Just like Daehyun, he just ignored me. Why can’t they talk about it and tell me the whole thing that is leaving me questions in air?!

Yongguk entered the last. He has bandages and bruises also. Why on earth can’t they spit it out? “Yo—” I noticed, where is Youngjae and Junhong? So many questions that I’d like to bother them and ask but they just keep ignoring me like I’m not here.

Yongguk went to our room and sat on the bed, resting his head and burying his face onto his hands while sighing deeply. If that goes with it, he has a problem. Yongguk has a problem?

I sat down beside him and looked at him for a moment. Based on what I am seeing, he is having a hard time on something I don’t know and seeing him tonight makes me feel broken also.

I want to pat his back but Jongup appeared at the opened door of our room, “Hyung?” he called out but Yongguk didn’t move. Jongup sat down on the other side of Yongguk and instead of me patting his back, Jongup did in my replace. They both look so hurt and heavy like something went wrong. I really have no clue about this.

“Hyung I know it’s hard but we have to keep on believing in him” who? Who are they talking about? Yongguk shakes his head and I already heard quiet sobs coming from him. “Guk, stop crying. Hey Jongup, what did really happen? Believe in who?” Just like a while ago, he ignored me again but Yongguk as well. I went in front of them and squatting down, looking at the two of them up. A tear escape from Jongup’s. He is crying also. I should know what happened and ease their pains. I can’t stand it just by looking at them like that and crying.

“Yonggukie, Jongup, I don’t know what happened so please tell it to me?”

I’m being ignored again.

“Hey, please stop ignoring me! I can’t stand it. Yah! Can’t you hear me?”

Ignored again.

Why are they doing this to me?

“We have to be strong. YOU have to be strong, hyung. Even though Himchan hyung is not here with us, we have to put a faith in him and I know he’ll wake up.” Jongup pulled Yongguk into a tight hug as Yongguk bursted into tears and sobbed really loud. I don’t understand him. Me? Not here? Wake up? Those words that came out from Jongup frightens me a lot. I suddenly felt a strike of pain in my chest. Not once but a few more times.

“Yah Jonggup! I’m here! Don’t just pretend that you’re not seeing me! Yongguk! Please look at me!” They just keep on crying.

“CAN’T YOU SEE------me?”I want to hold them! To hug them also! To pat their heads and rub their backs!

But--------

Why can’t I do it? My hands slipped through them. What happened to me? Why can’t I hold them? Why?!

Daehyun enters the room also, seeing them crying also. He can’t control the tears that are hiding inside his eyes and cries along. He went to them passing me through.

That made me more afraid and fear the most.

I run outside and everything I should bump just pass and went through me. I’m freaking out! I’m mentally breaking down. I can’t understand the situation! I don’t know what to do!

I’m scared…

“News has been spread and we all know that the group ‘B.A.P’ has a serious traumatic experience of car accident last month when going to their fansigning event and still three of them are staying at the Seoul District Hospital.”

I heard the news… I was dumbfounded. WE were caught in an accident? And it’s last month?! But I woke up and it’s fansigning today…. I didn’t finish the news and run to the said hospital.

As I was inside now, every room I inspect and find the other member,----

----and my body.

I went to every room but I didn’t feel any tiredness. As I enter the next door I am about to enter, I saw Youngjae with his mom. I had a hard time to believe that he is the one laying down on that bed. He’s awake but the tears fall automatically on my cheeks. I walk towards but I remembered that I can’t touch him, so I took step backwards and smiled to him weakly that thank God he is okay and alright now.

I went to the other room and saw Junhong that has a cast on his neck and arm. His mom and dad are here also. Good thing that he is sleeping with a good condition. Tears kept rolling down but not because of them. But because I fear that I won’t see them. The real me. Not just a ghost roaming around.

I went to the other room where I, myself, saw my own, laying down on the hospital bed, no conscious and just a life supporter holding me, making my life go long. My manager is inside along with my family. I missed them. This is the first time again to see them but with a sad expression. They all looked worried but there’s no hope to hold them. I gaze at myself, no life but breathing. How come did that happen? I know I’m a ghost now. But how can I come back to my own body? I have no idea. No one sees me and how can I do it if all of my close friends and people doesn’t know that I am a ghost roaming around.

My head drops down and I pass through the wall and goes outside of the hospital. My life is in misery right now. It’s messed up. I sat down on a near playground and stayed there, staring at the night sky.

“Why? Why is the world so against me? I didn’t do anything wrong? I know I don’t deserve this kind of situation. But why are these coming to me? I’m not ready to leave everyone. I’m not ready to go and make them sad the whole time. I’m not ready to abandon Yongguk. I want to live with him for the whole lifetime.” I released a sigh before crying out all the sobs that I want to set free, all the tears I want to fall down. I’m just a simple person who wants to be happy in his life. But the world isn’t fair enough to give you all the things that you want. There’s always this challenge that we have to face.

August 12, 2013: Monday

It’s been 2 months of being a ghost and eventually, I have no idea on how to get back to my body. I always check upon them and see if they are doing fine and if they are in good terms. Well they are keeping themselves up and ----- and, ummm…. Well, sometimes they really can’t remove my condition in their minds. Or mostly they don’t forget my condition. I’m very glad that they are really concern. That’s why I love all of them. Most especially, Yongguk.

He’s the one who always goes inside my room and check on me, guarding, and watching out for me. He always lent his time to me. He thought I can’t see the letters he wrote every day. Every time I see him doing it, it made me really cry for a hundred times. He never gets tired writing them every day and I knew that he loves me also. I want to hug him very much, kiss him passionately but I can’t.

I hope I can go back in time and warn everyone to take another route and be safe.

October 16, 2013: Wednesday

They are all so busy. In the morning they practiced, in the afternoon they keep on promoting and doing TV shows and performing on stages in MNET Countdown or in Inkigayo. But the really hard thing is that they still find time and visited me in the evening, even though I won’t answer all of their callings to me…

They are the strongest and persevered people I have ever met. I know all of it because I was there…. I was always there…..

It’s Junhong’s birthday yesterday. It was always sad. Whenever I see them, they are waiting for me…

I have to do something…

December 24, 2013: Tuesday

It’s almost Christmas and STILL can’t go back. I tried many things to go but it failed. This is the first Christmas that I can’t spend time with them with laughter and eating delicious foods, where Daehyun would always eat those most of all. Youngjae would always sing jingle bells until we get annoyed. Junhong and Jongup would go wild and crazy about their dance. And I and Yongguk always go lovely birds in the area.

I missed it all of the moments. I miss all of them…

February 08, 2014: Saturday

Last two days ago, it was Jongup’s birthday. This is the fourth time of not attending another birthday. It surprises me a lot that he forgot about it. He always wakes us up and bothers us that it’s his birthday, but on that day, it was very unusual and it changes my thought that they are really are getting unhealthy and affected.

April 01, 2014: Tuesday

It’s Yongguk’s birthday yesterday. I’m happy for him but I don’t think he is. Without me, he’s broken. I knew that when his writing letters again. And this time and every time, it breaks my heart also. God, how can I overcome this? Christmas, New Year’s, and even all of their birthdays, I didn’t attend to them. Not only a single shadow of me. I’m present physically but absent minded. I’m present but as a ghost only.

Junhong is the one who write letters today because Yongguk is sleeping. I know he is very stressed and worried. I don’t want him to suffer this. He lost weight and lack of sleep. I don’t pity him but I’m more worried because not that they are tired, but because of me. What if I didn’t come back to my own body? What will happen to them? I don’t care about myself.

But I’m so tired now. Tired of being stuck in this world as a ghost, tired of seeing them sad and almost half dead. I have to decide. A while ago there’s a light surrounding beside ma dn it talked. But I have to choose, whether to live like this or leave now and end this.