It's really hard to tell a story. And it's even harder when the story is yours, it all gets too emotional and personal. Or - it gets boring if you want to tell story of life as mine that is absolutely in every possible way ordinate. And that's me. I grew in ordinary familly with two kids. My parents did all they could to ensure us a nice life. Of course it was my older brother - the star with the best schools and the best marks and later the best job and girlfriend that every man wanted and every mother wished for as a daughter-in-law. I was, on the other side, kind of looser. And my parents knew. I was awfully regular boy. Even though I was never on a good terms with my mother, my father loved me. After all these years, I still believe that he was the reason why mother tolerate me. With my good-for-nothing college and only moderate marks it wasn't anything close to my mother's expectations. I just sailed through. But I was dad's favourite one. He would always say that I was goodhearted boy. I think he wasn't particularly fond of Donghwa because - although he's my beloved brother - he's such an arrogant prick. So both my parents picked a side (or a son, if you want) and we lived happily ever after. Well, until my dad died.

I'm not gonna talk about it. It's not the point of the story and it'll never be easy to talk about the lost of the only person you loved.

Nonetheless. Six months later mother kicked me out of the house saying I was too old and too bothersome. I can't blame her. I just finished the college and as a looser I was, no job offers for me. I did the only thing I could think of and moved to Seoul.

I believe I mentioned the good-for-nothing college. Let's specify it. I studied the worst kind of humanities. Korean language and literature. Now you see my mother's point? But I love literature. Although I also love having warm bed and food in fridge. Both of which are mutually exclusive, unfortunately.

24/04/2011

Few weeks after I’d moved to Seoul I started to work in Starbucks.

The job wasn't that bad. I liked the smell of coffee and custumers were nice to me, leaving tips for me all the time.

I realised that Starbucks is a wondeful place. And don't judge me only because I grew in a small town where nothing like that was. I wasn't some kind of yokel that would be amazed by everything in the big city.

Alright, I was this kind of yokel. But what I meant was that Starbucks is place where people meet and enjoy their coffee. I could see young people having date. Students studying all alone or together. Managers on business meetings. Girls cheerfully chatting and gossiping while eating cakes or mean and glowering girls drinking black coffee in a fear not to gain a weight. And all the hairstyles! My whole life I thought people have only black hair but in Seoul you could see every possible colour. Black was apparently out of fashion. So I dyed my hair brown.

05/10/2011

I worked in Starbucks almost for a year. I learnt how to prepare cappuccino, latte (we -in the business - prefer to call it café au lait), macchiato, americano, espresso and others delicious types.

If you'd ask me if I was happy there, then yes, but it wasn't my dream job. Yet, what my dream job was I didn't know.

Somewhere along the way I found myself having a crush on one of the regular custumers. He was tall, nor particularly beautiful, but still handsome, blond-haired. At first we just exchanged common  custumer-saleman phrases. Later though, he would talk to me more, asking me what was my day like, if the other custumers were alright. Even though Starbucks is not this type of café, I always brought his order to his table. Because he asked me to. That's how I learnt he was having business meetings here. It took me some time to found out what he was doing. Obviously, he would go through some papers with the person he was sitting with (and he scolded them a lot).

29/11/2011

At the end of my first year in Seoul I got a phonecall from my mother. It was literally the first time she contacted me. Christmas were coming and she wanted to inform me about her plans. She was going on holidays to Australia. She heard the weather is nice and sunny there and hence I was under no obligation to come and spend Christmas at home. She said it like that. "Under no obligation". As if I actually could go home, right? I wished her merry Christmas and she hung up.

Everyone seemed to be thrilled about upcoming christmas holidays but I was not. The work was long and my apartmant small and cold (because I forgot to pay bills, my fault). Not to add that my boss expressed his mixed feelings about me. For example, he would yell at me in front of everyone and ten minutes later he'd just stand behind me as if checking my work with his hands one on my hip and the other touching my . When it happened few more times, I asked for leave.

05/12/2011

So I got two weeks of holidays. During the year I didn't spend much money, there was no time for that either when you're constantly at work. And since having this little savings, I decided to enjoy Christmas a bit.

I realised how sad is the fact that I've been living in Seoul for year and knew only the way from my flat to work and back. Every morning then I dressed warmly and hit the road. I went to museums, to shopping centres, famous strees and quartes as Gangnam and the one where students live because it's cheap there. The third day I discovered a little old antique bookshop. I hit the jackpot. I bought so many books that day that I was afraid I'd be without electricity again.

When I brought it home, it showed up I had no shelves for the books - but I managed quite well, I used the books as a furniture I didn't have, starting with a nightstand.

11/12/2011

My daily program was the same - every morning I got up and spent the noon walking around the city and then berthed in a nice café or park with a book for the rest of the afternoon.

I was aware of the fact that I need to find myself a new job. Because of my chief's acting towards me I was in a very deplorable situation and would actually expect pity from my coworkers, though they only disliked me. Maybe I would get even promoted if I'd slept with the boss. And I was gay anyway, so the question of the didn't matter. Perhaps if I was like my brother or my coworkers running after success, I'd do it.

But I wasn't.

And for the first time in my life I realised that I was just a boy who gave up. Long time ago I gave up on me, on my life, on the world, the goodness in the people and on all those romantic dreams and feelings I used to have while reading my favourite authors.

And that was why I didn't have to sleep with my boss for promotion nor seek for better-paid job.

It started to snow. I woke up from my thoughts. I was still holding an open book on a page I didn't know I've read and when I looked up to observe the outside world, I noticed a man staring at me from the opposite bench.

I smiled at him and he smiled back and got up to sit beside me, on my bench. It's been two weeks since I last saw him.

"I didn't see you for two weeks, where were you hiding?" he chuckled.

"I needed a break," I said, "my boss is ually harassing me so I ran away," I laughed desperately.

I couldn't believe myself that I said that - to a stranger, to my crush from Starbucks whose name I didn't even know. And when he frowned, I smiled in apological way and said:

"My name is Donghae, by the way."

He smiled a little. "I know."

"What?"

"It's on your name tag. In the work." he explained.

"Right." I sighed, for no reason actually.

He was wearing black jeans and matching dark coat reaching to the waist, a grey long muffler around his neck. It looked expensive. Not like my coat from second-hand shop.

"I’m Hyukjae," he replied.

I couldn't do nothing better than smile. After all, he was my crush and there wasn't any counter which separated us in work nor have I been busy making coffee, so I could hide my embarrassment.

"Listen," he said after a moment, while I indulged sheepish thoughts. "There's available position of assistent in my company. It's nothing big, you'd just make coffee and bring documents here and there, but the sallary is fine and noone will harass you. I could recommend you and you can start after the New Year."

"Alright, thank you, but I don't need any charity. Or a prince on the white horse who'd saved me from a filthy boss." I said, a little bit offended.

It took him back a little, I suppose. But then he spoke again, very seriously: "I'm not offering you the position because of that. I would never employ someone incapable just to show my good will. I'm offering you the job because you have nice and polite manners, your appearance is acceptable for dealing with clients, you're obedient and responsible - and you make excellent coffee, which is very important skill for an assistent. Now, have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," I piped.

"Good. What will be your anwer?"

"I'd like to take the job, sir."

He measured me up with he stern look and then smiled at me warmly again.

"Good, it's the deal then."

I could not stop wondering how things were dabbling in motion.