Minhee's diary:

Which is more painful? To love or to be loved?

I have no idea. I experienced both. But I have come to a decision. The most painful thing in life is to lose someone who was worth so much, just so much, in the most unexpected way possible. Only to be faced with more regrets in life after that. But what could I do? He was gone. The chance was gone. I could only accept it.

It's been three long years since his death. Three years is definitely a long period of time. Work was my escape. Why is emotion such a confusing phenomenon? Why must a person be left with scars of love, unable to recover even at the brink of death? Love is poison, it's never sweet. It is plain deadly. To my utter dismay, emotion was something I could never run away from. His death has left my life in a wreck. I needed to see a psychiatrist for the past few years. 

Was it petty to take someone's age into consideration when deciding one's chances at love? I guess it was. I'm so sorry. Did you hear it? I guess not. 

I visited his grave again today. It was raining heavily. The raindrops felt comforting at least. Friends, that was what I thought we were. Lovers, was what he thought we were. These two terms were what left me in this state today. And I really hate these two things with vengeance. Never did I ever try to look for someone to rely on for these few years. Reliance screamed danger to me. 

I still can't get myself to love you, I tried to, but was that out of guilt? I'm sorry, but so what if I'm sorry? You can't even hear it six feet under. Right? Why am I even writing this? This deserves to be burnt and rot in hell.

---

I spent my days working in the office. Sleep was something I detested. It had never been peaceful since the day I read that damned diary. I guess I was cursed to feel guilt all my life. I was not born to love. Making wrong decisions was probably my talent. I would begin my day by drinking a cup of coffee before heading off to work. Work carries on till 12pm, and I will have toast for lunch. Then I would head to the clinic for therapy at four. Alcohol would be my dinner. Literally. 

My best friend Chanyeol had advised me to see a psychologist after seeing my worsening state. I had nightmares every night, and I went to work with dark eye circles, which was probably the reason why my previous boss fired me. My current  boss was probably tolerating me because of my productivity. Chanyeol thought my condition improved after seeing the psychologist since my nightmares stopped since then. Little did he know that the nightmares stopped because I passed out from the alcohol every night. 

Seeing a psychologist over the matter only acted as a painful reminder of Luhan. Because of therapy sessions, I thought of him every night. The thought of him alone was enough to kill me inside. The guilt from hurting someone so deep was something I never thought I would do. I was a murderer. 

People in the office often spoke behind my back about how much of a zombie I was, how I was antisocial and all. I wasn't born like that. I just didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. I was tired of hurting others, I was tired of being hurt myself. But who was there to save me from this misery? No one. I was screaming for help but no one could help me. 

It's 4pm again. It's time to see the psychologist again. I enter the room and sit myself down on the stool opposite the bespectacled psychologist. He looks up and meets my eyes momentarily. He flinched at the sight of my bloodshot eyes before letting out a sigh and took out some relevant documents. 

"How was your day, Minhee?"

"...fine."

"Were you crying?"

"...Maybe"

"So how was it when you visited his grave?" 

I could only stare at him blankly. What did this man in front of me know about him? That's right, nothing. He knew nothing yet he's here trying to act like he's a hero of some sort, as if he could save me. Who's the mental one here? It was this darned man of course. Did he know why Luhan died? Did he know the regrets he left behind? Did he know the pain of dying with unhealed scars? Did he even know the pain of sacrifice?

I remained mum as the seconds ticked by. The psychologist never tried to prompt me to answer. It has always been like this. Him doing his paperwork, me refusing to answer his questions. As the small alarm clock at the front of the desk rang, I just picked up my bags and left. 

Luhan, he was my one and only treasured companion. Someone I could trust entirely. He left. No one can ever replace him. But who caused him to leave with so much regret in mind? It was none other than me. Who could I blame? I could only put the blame on myself. It's so painful to think about him. I want to escape. But where to? 

Kicking off my heels and dropping my bags on the floor as I entered my house, I headed straight for the kitchen cabinet and grabbed a bottle of vodka. Taking a swig, I awaited the burning sensation to go down my throat and provide me with a moment of calmness. But it seemed like the pain was immense today. Regardless the amount I drank, I was still sober. 

Why? Why did he have to send me the diary to leave me in such misery? Maybe he never truly loved me in the first place. He wanted me to know how much he was hurt. Hurt by my irrationality. Hurt by my immature and petty decisions. Even in death, the scars would never leave him. I was sinned. And I could never remove it. No matter how hard I tried. I could feel moisture running down my cheeks as I desperately tried to drown myself in oblivion. But it wasn't working today. 

Nothing ever worked well for me. Why did I ever exist when I only brought hurt to this world. I deserved the worst pain ever. I hated how I was brought into this world to be put into suffering. I hated how I tried to fight against fate but never won. I hated how things always turned out. And most of all, I hated my existence. I have finished the entire bottle of vodka. But why could I still feel pain? Letting out a grunt of frustration, I threw the empty bottle aside.

There was a loud smash. What was it? I didn't care. I didn't want to. I want to sleep, I want to escape from this horrendous world where I have no one to care about me anymore. I'm left alone to deal with everything and it was taking a toll on me. I want to leave this place. 

Picking up a glass shard, I slashed it across my arm. Red fluid oozed out of the cut. I let out a bitter chuckle as the pain attacked me once again. What was this pain compared to the ache in my heart which has been there for so long?

What was this compared to the pain of losing someone?

What was this compared to the tears that could no longer flow from my eyes?

What was this compared to the suffering I have been living in all this while?

All my life I've been living in misery. Trusting the wrong people, choosing not to trust the right ones. I was an idiot and I don't deserve to pull more people into this ocean of misery and drown with me. I have given up. 

Lying down on the cold ground, I waited as my vision began to lose its focus and fade into darkness. The faint ringing of my phone could be heard. It must be Chanyeol asking if I took my medication again. 

Thank you Chanyeol for not giving up on me all this while. But I can't hurt anyone further. Neither can I bear this pain any further. I wouldn't leave you with regrets by leaving a damned letter for you to read and encage you in misery all your life. Go out and take a good look at the world. You deserve a better life rather than being stuck to me just because of a promise made to Luhan. 

It's time to go and apologise to Luhan for being the worst thing that could ever happen to him. No matter how much that diary of his hurt me, he deserved the apology.

My vision clouded and hearing blurred out. A final tear rolled down my cheek as it slowly faded to black.

Five full bottles of anti-depressants remain untouched on the medicine shelf, with a phone lying haphazardly on the ground, ringing incessantly, but just like the anti-depressants, it was left untouched.

-------------------

Hi guys! Just wanted to give this story some closure and I'm starting on a new fic! Thank you all for the subscribes though I know a lot of you unsubscribed after that because I didn't update a sequel or something but this is a one shot for a reason hahah! So here's an extra angsty chapter with a mentally unstable woman who ended her life. So this marks the end to this fic and I'm moving on! Do check out my new fic http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/939527 There's no chapters posted yet but it would be updated soon! Thank you all for all the support yall are amazing :)) Comments are welcomeee