Under The Rainbow.

(ANGST, ROMANCE, SADNESS, /!\ SELF-HARM)

I’m staring at you as intensely as I could. I tried to keep every detail of your stunning beauty in my memory. You were tenderly caressing these green blades shaking at the pace of the breeze, excited by the yet calm and peaceful evening. Your puny fingers were playing with the small droplet of freshly fallen water from the light rain that just fell. The clouds shed their painful tears, sharing our deep pain, inviting Mother Nature to keep us company in our travel towards loneliness.

Here we were, cut off from everything, lying in the huge natural bed made of grass, just the two of us, guessing funny shapes in the still present cumulus in the darkening sky, listening to the calm melody of trees shaking their arms frantically against each other giving us a beautiful symphony soft to the ear. The rainbow in front of us was slowly fading away and carried with itself, its pretty colors so pleasant to watch. This moment was unfortunately fleeting.

My hand rested on yours, smaller but as soft as an angel's, longing for a source of comfort to cure my bruised heart. The soft touch was so magical, so wonderful that it was at the edge of unreality, utopia. I wanted to enjoy those moments with you. Enjoy as much as possible the welfare you brought me without even realizing it. It was far from being eternal. Your permission would terminate at dawn, a cruel separation awaited us at daybreak. A separation that promised to be heartbreaking.

Gradually your eyes closed on the same pace as the sunlight fading visibly and you flew away to dreamland, leaving me alone in the middle of this harsh reality. I was jealous to see you in the arms of another. Your arms were my property, and seeing you sharing it annoyed me. Damn Morpheus* (N/A: God of Dreams. To be in Morpheus arms = To be asleep). But this vision of you was serene enough to dissolve the rivalry between him and me.

Morpheus has this God-given gift of making you look more attractive when you sleep than you already were. It was a crime to be so beautiful. But you couldn’t help it, it was all God's fault, he spoiled you with attractiveness. He should be punished.

My dark pupils were lost in the extended horizon in front of us; a huge orange line announcing the approach of the majestic Queen the Moon and his valiant princesses, the Stars. I had almost forgotten the splendor of a darkening sky. Then my eyes slowly turned to you. Your pale face reflected the sunlight addressing its latest rays.

Perfection.

I nudged my head on your chest, lifting slightly to the rhythm of your regular and restful breathing. I was staring like a child fascinated by a toy behind the window display of a toyshop. This was what I was, a child named Lu Han, fascinated by his toy, called Oh Sehun. The window that separated us was unbreakable, but for tonight, let us imagine that it didn’t exist. Every second valued, I didn’t want to lose a single drop of this show.

The moon moved in the resplendent blue sky were the stars were shining at their most, illuminating your face on multiple angles and especially marking the arrival of the Solar King. The night sight you had unconscious just showed me was so captivating, exciting, sublime, that the hours seemed like minutes, furtive, which passed accelerated, to my biggest regret.

Time has become rare and valuable commodity.

It must be cherished, more than any jewel, rather than wealth itself. In our case, wealth was useless and superfluous, wasn’t it, Sehun-ah?

You left Dreamland and the first thing you offered me was a perfect smile that melted my heart like ice cream under a hot summer sun. God only knew how much I loved you, you and your perfect features and your facial expressions.

“I love you.”

You already knew it, but I loved to say it, again and again. I could repeat it endlessly without ever getting tired. I loved you to death, and that Sehun-ah, you have understood it very well now...

You suddenly stood up as if to abandon me, to leave me.

“You can’t… Do not leave me...”

This sentence came out of itself, leaving my lips without even asking permission to my mind. I was so afraid of losing you, you know. You smiled at me again, for the second time in the space of a minute, just to reassure my growing concerns. You presented me your hand, inviting me to follow you somewhere. I didn’t hesitate a second and grabbed it as if my life depended on it. As if I clung to a last hope. I refused to let you go. You were too precious for me. Far too well... But the time has come, this crucial time when you had to go back...

“Hyung, accompany me.”

My silence was your answer. No need for real words, your destination would also be mine no matter what. We moved forward, hand in hand with interlaced fingers, breathing this summer atmosphere. Our clothes were wet, but we didn’t give a damn about it. Our mutual presence was enough.

We were not far from your biggest prison, a hundred meters away. Back behind the high walls and narrow windows, the dull yard and all the men and women, dressed in the same way. I could feel you nervous, your anxiety crushing my poor fingers, but please let your anger out. You could hold on there, I had faith in your mental strength. It has been three months since you were cloistered in this building, you could get your out of it. I believed in you.

We entered through the large front doors. Without authorization, you led me to a place you called your room. It was empty. Completely empty. A small bed, a bedside table where an old dusty book you didn’t even bother to scroll was lying on, and a single chair rested in a corner, as if having a social life was not allowed. I had the honor to settle on that only chair. I examined the ‘decoration’ of your home. I managed to decipher a counting system, probably the day you spent here, confined within these four walls and some distress messages. The numerous inscriptions on the wall froze my heart.

Baby... how could you write such things?

Most of it were two simple syllables…My name, ‘루한’ (N/A: Lu Han) engraved with your nail given the shape of the characters, or newly drawn with blood with a still noticeable freshness. I didn’t want to see you suffer that way. Stop it, please...

And ...

Suicide was not a solution, I guarantee it...

You took place on your sheets and the friction between you and the bed caused your pants sleeves to pull up, showing me your bare legs, covered with contusions and bruises, scratches and damage. Again the words were formed, carved into your pale skin.

Still my name

“Please... Hug me again…”

Your words had disrupted my soul so my body obeyed on its own again. Since you were by my side, my actions became uncontrollable. They had become reflexes. My arms warped around yours, much tinier, rubbing my fingertips on that delicious flesh that I desired so much. Sadness and love accompanied my movements that combined softness and tenderness. I hated to see you suffer so much, you who was this so naive and fragile boy.

You dropped your hands on my buttocks, massaging it with envy.