FIX YOU

October 11, 2014

“Hyung! You’re here?!?”

Jiyong was shocked at the warm grin that welcomed him. It’s his first time visiting Seungri in the hospital. He was afraid on the reaction of Seungri on his scandal. That’s why he didn’t have the nerve to face the younger, his baby… before.

“Hyung! How are you? How’s Singapore? I’m so sorry if I haven’t been present in our latest performances. It’s all my fault. I screwed up. You must really hate me right now. I’m so sorry, hyung.”

Jiyong’s frowns have been more evident. The older one thought that he should be the one who should feel sorry, he’s the one who screwed up. He made Seungri’s life miserable. It’s his fault, it’s not Seungri’s fault. He did wrong.

“Seungri-ya~”

“Hyung! Share it to me! Tell stories about things that happened when I am still confined here.”

Seungri flutters his eyes lovingly. While Jiyong falls in deep, trying to avoid the pain that he caused to himself. He should be tortured, it’s not right to hurt someone who only knows how to make him happy.

“Seungri-ya~ I love you. You know that, right?”

Jiyong asked for an approval, although he knows how stupid it sounds. As if the younger didn’t show his love well enough. As if Seungri didn’t tell him. He was stupid. Jiyong have been blinded. By what? He didn’t know. Jiyong doesn’t want to know.

But he knows that deep within, he changed. A lot.

And he doesn’t know how to fix himself.

“Of course, I’m your favorite dongsaeng! Your maknae!”

Seungri showed a sly smile, to cover up the confusion that is building up on Jiyong’s face. He was unaware of the pain that the older one is currently feeling. He can’t recall it. Seungri forgot what he felt. He forgot that he was supposed to be hurting right now. The articles are enough to kill him, but it doesn’t because he forgot. And Jiyong was in pain, alone.

Jiyong thought that he always deserved the pain. He only felt happiness before, because someone was there to catch them all. Shield him from the pain. Kiss all the hurt away. But its’ different right now.

The one who catches them before, became the one ridden in bed. The one who shields the pain away became the one who needs to be protected. And the one who kisses them all away, became trapped in a four-walled suffocating room with chapped lips. Everything turned upside down.

Jiyong chose being the ignorant fool. He accepted every blow on him. He tried to do the things that Seungri did. He wanted to feel the things that the younger have felt. It must have been hard on him to bear these alone. And Jiyong can’t stop crying because it slowly creeps on him, inside him. How much the younger did for him… How much pain he have felt…

Maybe it would be better if I shouldn’t let him remember all the pain he had gone through because of me. Maybe it would be better if he will totally forget everything about us.

Maybe he's too selfish. But this time, he wanted Seungri to be selfish for him. He wanted the younger to be selfish of Jiyong. He would like the younger to use him for his personal gain, for his personal happiness. Because Seungri deserves all the happiness in the world.

***

"Seungri-ya~ How do you feel right now? Are you okay?"

Jiyong curled up some strands of hair in his fingers. He was worried of his baby. Even if he screwed up badly, his concern and love for the younger did not decrease at all.

"I'm okay hyung, just hurting. A  bit.”

If only Jiyong would wipe the pain away. He knows that he, himself, deserves the pain. But Seungri doesn’t. Seungri must be happy.

“Oh, Seungri-ya~ I have to tell you something. I—”

Seungri’s face lighted up in excitement. Anticipating for what will Jiyong say, but he cut off the older one and talked.

“Congratulations, hyung! I hope you already found the right one.”

“Wha—“

“I knew it was her all along.”

Jiyong’s face had fallen. He cannot imagine Seungri saying those words. Why did even the younger say those? How can his boyfriend say those?

“Seungri~”

“So you’ll get married with her soon? I mean we’re not growing any younger, you know?”

Seungri asked Jiyong with enthusiasm. Oblivious of their real relationship. He can’t remember. Seungri forgot about the day when he answered yes to Jiyong.

“Seungri-ya~ I—“

“When was it? When did she answered yes? When’s your anniversary?”

Jiyong remembered the day when the younger answered yes. The memory was playing in his mind, non-stop, everyday. He cannot forget the way Seungri’s lips have moved up and down. The way Seungri’s voice sounded like he’s been crying while saying it. The way Seungri’s hands are entangled on his own when he confessed. And the way Seungri smiled when happy tears are falling from his eyes. How can Seungri forget those, when Jiyong didn’t have any time to stop them from repeating again and again in his head.

Maybe Jiyong was easy to forget?

Or maybe the memories involving Jiyong, even the simplest ones, are too painful to remember.

“August 19th.”

He said their anniversary date. It was Jiyong and Seungri’s anniversary, not just Bigbang’s anniversary. It is theirs too. He said that because he was hoping that the memories of the younger will jump out of his unconscious. But maybe its too late to bring it back. Or maybe he just wanted Seungri’s brain cells to work and remember them, yet Jiyong doesn’t want the younger to suffer.

“Oh, that’s Bigbang’s anniversary too. You have the same anniversary?”

“We have the same anniversary.”

“Huh? We? Who’s we, hyung?”

Seungri was shocked at the we, he thought that maybe he had an anniversary with someone on that date too. But the younger is hundred percent sure that he didn’t had one.

“Bigbang and us.”

“Ohhh~ Us, by means of you and her? That’s so sweet, hyung.”

There was never a you and her, Seungri-ya~ It has always been you and me.

Jiyong kept silent. Because if he speak some more, he might say some things that will hurt the younger. And that’s the last thing that he swore he’ll do.

***

“Did you eat already, Seungri-ya?”

Jiyong pleaded to the younger with his earnest heart.

“Not yet, hyung.”

“Want to eat outside?”

“I want to but maybe the doctors won’t allow me.”

“I’ll ask their permission, wait here.”

Jiyong runs out of the room, wanting to seek permission, hoping to be allowed by Seungri’s doctors. He is planning to bring Seungri to their favorite restaurant. The restaurant where they always hold their da