part TWO

"What...are you doing?" Sanghyuk asked, his brows knitting together as he looked down to the man kneeling in front of him. Part of him wanted to hold the man close, comfort him and wipe the tears on his cheeks. However, another part of Sanghyuk wished he never even left his house. 

Hongbin had never really believed in coincidence, so maybe this was just his mind tricking him into thinking that this Sanghyuk in front of him was his Sanghyuk. "Please, Hyuk-ah," he begged, putting his hands on the other's legs as he looked up at him through his tears. "I know somewhere in there are the memories of us. I know they are. I'm Lee Hongbin. Hongbin Hyung. Your Binnie."

"Binnie?"

"Hyung! Hongbin Hyung!" He yelled from the water. He hadn't moved at all, splashing around as he tried to swim his way back. The water was rising, and he couldn't get himself to move any closer to safety. "Help me, Binnie Hyung!"

Sanghyuk knew he'd been getting bits and pieces of his memory back recently, but he didn't want to believe what Hongbin was saying. Suyeon was his first and only love. He was straight. He didn't have a boyfriend named Hongbin ten years ago. Surely, he or his parents would have remembered something about the male. 

"I don't believe you," he replied, pushing Hongbin away from him. "If I really am your Sanghyuk, why weren't you there when my family and the lifeguards found me? Why weren't you there when I was trying to get my memory back? Did you not even try to look for your Sanghyuk after he drowned?"

Hongbin took one of Sanghyuk's hands and pulled him out of his chair, onto the floor in front of him. A small smile forced its way onto Hongbin's lips. He wasn't happy that Sanghyuk denied it, but the anger that the younger male was showing made Hongbin hopeful that he was just repressing memories of their time together because of the anger he felt at not being helped. 

"Hyukkie, I did look for you. I was out in the water for hours until my parents had to drag me back to the beach house. I'm the one who told the lifeguards who your parents were. I'm the one who asked about you every hour." Sighing, he shook his head. "My mom gave me something to calm me down, which I'm pretty sure now were some sort of sleeping pills. When I woke up, there were new lifeguards on duty. When I asked about a boy being found, they told me that there hadn't been." Wiping his face with his hands, he averted his eyes from Sanghyuk's. "I sat at that shore every day until my family had to leave. I couldn't focus in school, I had nightmares about you, and I blamed myself every single day."

Sanghyuk's hand was still in Hongbin's, but his eyes were only on the older male's face, trying to understand. 

"I like you, Sanghyuk."

"But...my parents never told me about you. Why wouldn't they tell my boyfriend that I was alive, that I was found?"

"Because they didn't know that we were...like that. We weren't even boyfriends, Hyuk-ah. We just liked each other. We never got to that point yet." Looking back up at the other, Hongbin gave him a smile that was more real than the last. "Small kisses here and there, holding hands, and hugging all the time was the most that we professed our feelings."

The bits and pieces of memories in Sanghyuk's head made sense with what Hongbin was saying, but it only served to frustrate Sanghyuk because he wanted all of the memories back. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to know how Hongbin managed to speed up his heart beat like this, how they met, how they fell for each other. He wanted to know why Hongbin, in only the several minutes of explaining, made Sanghyuk feel more love for him than for Suyeon.

Sanghyuk hadn't even realized that he was crying until Hongbin wiped away some of his tears. Hearing another crack of thunder, the younger male pushed Hongbin away again and stood up. "I-I need to go. I have to go... I'm not your Sanghyuk–"

"Where are your parents?" Hongbin asked from the ground, intent on making Sanghyuk realize who he was, who he was to him.

"Seoul. Why?"

"Because they'll remember me. They didn't know about our feelings, but they knew that we were friends. Let's go find your parents, and they'll tell you, Hyuk-ah! I know you feel it–"

"Shut up!" Sanghyuk shouted, turning back to Hongbin as he stood up from the ground. Shoving him back up against a wall, more tears fell from Sanghyuk's eyes. "Just shut up! I don't want to be your Sanghyuk! You just left me in the ing water! You. Let. Me. Drown." He was almost hyperventilating, his words becoming louder as he tried to calm himself down. "What the do you think is going to happen, Lee Hongbin? I'm just supposed to forgive you and fall for you again? I'm not that Sanghyuk! I'm with Suyeon..."

"Hyuk," Hongbin whispered. "Suyeon is dead."

Another crack of thunder.

Sanghyuk sunk to his knees, crying into his hands as memories of both Hongbin and Suyeon flooded his head. When he tried to stand up, a dizziness took over, and he heard something crashing before everything went dark. 

►►►►►

Hongbin had moved Sanghyuk to his bed after the male passed out on his floor, constantly getting warm towels to place on his forehead. He'd slept through the night, lasting longer than the storm. A wave of guilt hadn't left Hongbin since he'd seen Sanghyuk hit the floor, and he hadn't gotten even a second of sleep. 

Looking off into space, Hongbin wondered what he was supposed to do with himself. He always thought that if Sanghyuk was alive, the guilt that Hongbin felt would lessen. However, it's only grown. Maybe it was because he knew that Sanghyuk could now verbally blame him for what happened.

"Binnie..."

Hongbin turned a pair of wide eyes to Sanghyuk, who was staring up at him. "Are you okay?"

Sanghyuk nodded, glancing away for a moment before looking at Hongbin once more. "I forgive you."

Brows furrowing, Hongbin stared at the one he'd been grieving over for ten years. "What-What do you mean? You don't have to forgive me, Sanghyuk. It's alright to be mad. I mean, I'm the one, like an idiot, who left you in that water. You could have died. And now, you don't even have those memories. I just–"

"Shut up, Hyung," Sanghyuk said in a quiet voice, chuckling lightly. There was no humour in his eyes, so Hongbin guessed he'd chosen to laugh for the mere sake of covering the uncomfortable silence that would have sat between them. "I forgive you." Without hesitation, Sanghyuk told Hongbin how Suyeon died, letting him know that he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. "Except, I know that she's actually dead. I was there."

"You were drunk."

"And you were scared. The point is that we made mistakes, ones that didn't turn out well. And we have to deal with them." His eyes moved away from Hongbin's and shifted to the ceiling. "I am punishing myself to a life of nothingness, and you... Well, you can't have me."

Hongbin stared at Sanghyuk for a long moment, realizing the underlying words in what the younger had said: 'I won't allow you to have me.' He deserved that, he knew. However, Hongbin couldn't help but hope that the words weren't true. "I understand, Hyuk-ah."

"Do you?"

"I do. You're free to go whenever you wish. I can't keep you here, and I know that I could never be a part of your life like I used to be."

Without replying, Sanghyuk took Hongbin's hand and pulled the man down beside him. Sanghyuk curled himself up into Hongbin, noticing how the man smelled just as he did when they were younger. This was the safety zone, the place Sanghyuk didn't want to leave. Hongbin didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the younger tight, keeping him close.

Neither of them moved until around noon, getting up to eat and use the bathroom. Then they found themselves in the same position as before, not speaking. Just laying there in each other's presence. When the sun finally went down, Sanghyuk removed himself from Hongbin's hold. "I have to go."

"Okay," was all that Hongbin replied, holding in the tears he felt forming in his eyes.

Sanghyuk was holding his back as well, and before he could fall into the man's arms again, he quickly escaped the beach house. What had only been two days felt like an eternity to both men, and as they lay in their own beds that night, they thought of each other. 

Each morning, they walked to their windows to catch a glimpse of each other. One of them would gain enough courage to walk to the other's beach house, and they'd hold each other all day, except to eat and use the bathroom. When the sun fell from the sky, one of them said goodbye, reminding the other that they didn't belong to each other, knowing inside that they did.

Both were too full of regrets to ask for a second chance, to even attempt a redo. But they knew: he was his Hongbin, and he was his Sanghyuk.