He thought it would be enough. The texts, the calls, the hidden kisses. He thought that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay. But it turns out that fate isn't a quiet breeze on a warm summer day, nor is it a violent storm that comes out of the blue. Fate is a path of thorns, giving you no choice but to run through life blind, crying until you reach the end. Fate makes you believe that you’re strong, and tears you down, piece by piece until all that’s left is a beating heart, just enough to live through the terrors of the world.

Sehun remembers when he would lie in bed with Luhan, his heart thumping erratically, talking about what it would be like if they weren't where they were now, if they weren't idols. He remembers the little smile and the sparkling eyes as Luhan spoke of a small boba tea shop he would eventually own downtown, words floating carelessly into the air. But all the same, he remembers the small tear that would drop and disappear just as it had come. And he thought to himself that he could be a pillar of hope for this fragile boy, the one to kiss all the tears from his face, hug his nightmares away. “Ah,” Sehun thought. “So I’m in love.” And so he poured his feelings into the small dates, the tiny squeezes that he thought no one saw, smiling and chattering excitedly whenever Luhan was seen or heard. Yet what hurt so much was that when Luhan kissed him back, he could feel the hesitation, the worry behind his shy smile. Even when they split apart, promoting miles away, Sehun could hear the weariness in the voice through the phone, and he knew far too well that it wasn’t because it was 3 in the morning. But love is blind, so Sehun tucked away his insecurities, calling each night as soon as he could.

It wasn’t the distance that made Sehun stop. It was the gaze in Luhan’s eyes that he saw, longing not for him, but for Minseok, his eyes screaming for attention. Sehun would look at the small figure asleep, chest moving slowly up and down, wanting to hold him tightly in his arms. But it was late at night that he realized, gazing lightly at Luhan’s silhouette that he had seen that stare before, not in Luhan’s eyes, but in his own. And so he chose to give up, slowly building up walls of defense around his heart, blocking everything else out. He stopped the hugs and kisses, choosing to stare blankly into the elder’s eyes, heart crying when he saw that Luhan made no effort to return any of the love he had so painfully given before.

Sehun now sat in the coffee shops alone, sipping his drink quietly as fans would come up to shyly leave him a gift. His heart threatened to burst in his chest as one fan in particular left him a card with Hunhan so carefully written on the inside. But no tears fell as he read, only a smile creeping onto his face, whispering quietly, “Luhan Hyung likes Xiumin Hyung, not me.” The girl stood there, still and unwavering as she slowly managed to mouth, “but you love him, don’t you?” At this, he stopped drinking for a moment, his head screaming at him to say yes, forever and always, but only allowed himself a small smile before returning to this business.

Hours later he returned to the dorms, quickly slipping into his room, shoving his hands into his pockets to grasp for the delicate card he had attained earlier. Sitting against the door, he whispered to himself the word inscribed on the paper, wondering why this one word threatened to let sobs escape from his throat, allowed tears to sit along his eyes. So he did what he had become an expert at, taking his heart and locking it in chests of chests, hidden inside the puzzle and mazes of his emotions. Hands trembling, he took the card and ripped the name in half, a trail of tears appearing each time the paper split further. “Ah,” he thought to himself as he threw half of the card away. “I’m still in love.”

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a/n: stay strong everyone! keep your heads up high and let's hope for the best